…The raging river, pulled them down.
Now they’ll always, be together,
In that Happy Hunting Ground…
- Running Bear by Sonny James
“Snakeyes! New roller, please, next up.” The game runner raked in the dice and chips and ignored the despair in the countenance of the most recent “high roller”. Ted shook his head and other people crowded him away from the dice pit. He was almost out of funds and it was still early. He’d budgeted his, “loss level” carefully to maximize his time at the reservation casino. It was an older one, filled with stereotypical paintings and statues intended to honor the local First Nations Tribes while fulfilling the expectations of rude tourists. He looked around forlornly for a new game to play. He didn’t care for the slots or the drawn-out and ever-shifting card games… ah, Blackjack! There was an opening at the table.
He rushed over before anyone else could snag it and bustled onto the chair. “Okay to deal me in on the next hand?” He interrupted the dealer, who ignored him until he was done dealing out the rest of the players and raking in the chips. He still did not speak but once Ted placed the minimum bet, he flipped a card down in front of him and the game began. Ted immediately started winning the straightforward game. He picked up most of his losses from his unfortunate run at craps and was finally enjoying himself. The couple at the far end of the table had apparently had enough and didn’t care for the new player. Ted liked to talk to new people and thought he was good at it. Before long, the other players had left and it was down to him, the dealer, and an older man, who wore a black cowboy style hat and chain-smoked thin cigarillos.
Ted, grinning heartily at his latest win, glanced over at the man, who had just fired up his next cancer-stick, “You know casinos, and a few bars are the last public places where anyone smokes. I remember when there were smoking sections at most places and my parents told me that there used to be no restrictions. I’ll bet you get plenty of pressure to stop from your family and friends. It’s a pretty bad habit for your long-term health…” Ted usually rambled on past any non-verbal cues that people might give him to stop talking, yet his diatribe came to a screeching halt at the look with which the stern-faced elder favored him.
The older man drew in a long pull on the firestick and then exhaled the stinking cloud into Ted’s face. He coughed a little and gagged at the odor of the raw blend of tobacco and chemicals. The old one removed the cigarillo from his mouth and tapped ashes onto the edge of the table and down onto the floor at his toes, “Sonny, nobody cares. Nobody wants your opinion, and you are not special, no matter what your mommy told you. I’ll do as I please and if you don’t like it, go bother people at another table.”
Ted gaped in shock. In his mind, the man’s words verged on an “assault”. He looked helplessly at the dealer, who just ducked his head and tried not to laugh. Indignant, he rose, took his pile of chips and fled into the depths of the gaming house in search of a friendlier table. He didn’t find one that he liked, so he finally gave up and sat at the bar. The bartender seemed to ignore him in favor of tidying up her workspace. He cleared his throat and received only a glance. He mumbled as much to himself as to her, “I just want a drink while I wait for a table to open.” He wondered at her stony silence, maybe she resents me for being…
His vocal ruminations were interrupted by a feminine voice, “What do you want?”
Ted looked up to see the bartender, mocking smile in place below shining, mesmerizing eyes. Ted simply gaped and eventually worked his jaw uselessly. The bartender shrugged and walked back to the other end of the bar. She spoke with a large man who was clearly part of the security team. He glared at Ted while she spoke. Ted wanted to avoid a confrontation. He’d been conditioned that he should seek authorities if such a situation loomed. Yet casino security was the only available authority here locally. There were Tribal Police on the Reservation, but he wasn’t sure they would want to listen to him. He finally shrugged and decided to go back over to the hotel for the rest of the night. This trip had been very unsatisfying… like all those he’d taken since he moved away from his parents’ home a few years previously.
There was an indoor walkway to the hotel, but Ted decided to go by the outdoor route to get some fresh air and enjoy the natural beauty that the builders had incorporated into the facility. As he walked dejectedly down the sidewalk, local flora pressing in from each side, he heard, from the nearby forest, a screeching wail. It startled him and he had to stop a moment to catch his breath and wait for his heart rate to slow to something more manageable. He realized that it must have been an owl or some other night bird. His father had told him that there were always weird noises “out in the sticks”.
As he plunged his hands into his pockets and determined to go to his room for rest, he caught the faint smell of burning tobacco on the breeze. It wafted over his shoulder from behind and caused him to emit a feeble cough. He looked back in annoyance. In the shadows behind him, he saw a figure. It was dark and stood still in a way that made him uncomfortable. An orange glowing circle of embers hovered around the face and rendered just enough light to illuminate the blue-grey curls of smoke as they exited the tiny conflagration and rose above the brim of a black hat. The ember flared for a moment and then flashed to the ground and was snuffed by a shadowed… foot? It wasn’t exactly clear to Ted; the figure’s lower extremities were... blurred. An even brighter flare, from a lighter or match stabbed into Ted’s eyes as the Smoker lit his next cigarillo.
Ted glared irritation but felt uncomfortable at the unnatural stillness to which the figure returned once the new fire was lit. He coughed once more, this time deliberately in a passive-aggressive attempt to communicate his displeasure and resumed his walk. He strained to listen behind him to determine whether the figure followed. He truly wished to get away from the stink and the threat of cancer or other respiratory illnesses. He slowed to listen, then gave up and looked over his shoulder again. There was no figure in the dark back near the exit to the casino. He turned to resume his walk, but a smoky black form now loomed before him! Its eyes glowed and smoked like large twin cigars as it gaped a maw that emitted pure black smoke and glowed with blue flames within the deep tunnel of the throat. Ted’s consciousness fled his body and found itself in a burning nightmare landscape that extended for as far as he could perceive in all directions.
**** * ****
Darnell, known to his public as “Murder Bush” a deliberate mistranslation of “merde bouche” a.k.a. “Deadly Rapper” for having been a suspect in a shooting back in his youth, stepped up to the dice pit as the geeky dude left. He had plenty of chips and cash to back them. His entourage was there to support him and kiss his backside as often as he wished. He rolled through six passes before he crapped out. He hadn’t over-bet, so he’d won a small amount. He picked up his latest winning chips and handed them to the hostess who had kept him well plied with drinks and snacks. He was sure that for the right price, she would take care of his other needs. He played a few card tables and finished with Roulette.
Each time he won a few chips, he passed them on to the young woman or to one of his flunkies. In the end, they had all received at least some reward for the praises they’d heaped upon him; not for any real accomplishments, but rather to curry favor with the man whom they considered to be wealthy and important: a celebrity. The girl stayed at his side and except for when he asked her questions, she said nothing. He liked that: bitch know her place, he reveled in internal satisfaction. He liked her looks too. She was medium height and a little, “thick”. She was clearly interested but hadn’t gotten in his way when he flirted with other women. He truly liked this one. The more he considered her, the more he wanted to get down to business.
Eventually, he posed the question to her, “How much for the next few hours?” His brazen suggestion that she would take money for sexual favors was the final test. If she grew angry, then she didn’t appreciate his genius…
“Whatever you think is fair. How about we see if I can satisfy you? If I can, then you may want to be generous… as you have been so far.” She hefted the chips so that the pieces clinked in her palm. “If not, I don’t deserve a reward.”
She had passed with flying colors. Might even take this one back to civilization with me, he purred in his mind. He’d always thought of himself as a Big Cat… maybe a leopard or jaguar, definitely something dangerous and sleek. His need grew more intense by the moment. He desperately wanted this woman. “Come on, let’s go to my room.” He husked in a voice grown thick with desire.
They reached his suite, his groupies having been dismissed to their own nefarious pursuits, even his bodyguard. The big man had shrugged, “Your call boss-man.” and then stumped across the hallway to his own room. Now he was finally alone with… her. He stripped off his shirt and flipped his shoes into a corner. She stood by the window and watched. The drinks he’d consumed finally caught up with him before he’d shucked his pants and drawers, “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” He was excited, which made urinating a challenge, but it had to be done, so that he could maximize his pleasure. When he stepped from the restroom, au natural, he saw that his latest conquest had done the same and now stood, bare to the world and staring out the window, all the curtains on it pushed to one side, so that the night loomed and the light of a single small desk lamp lit the room. He stalked over to her, ready to take her right there at the window in full view of anyone who looked up from the outside. He secretly hoped for an audience. He enjoyed having others watch him take what he wanted.
She turned to face him, her head lowered… no, it had sunken into her body, only her hair remained above her shoulders! A… mouth, gaping and slavering opened on her stomach, a mouth too large for her body and rimmed with rows of teeth like sharpened spikes. She stepped forward to embrace him and the screaming began… sounds that he was accustomed to eliciting from others rather than emitting from his own person.
**** * ****
“Rhino” was unhappy. He didn’t like to leave Darnell unattended. Perhaps now that his boss was in the room, he could go stand guard outside the door. He took care of some personal ablutions as he wolfed down a couple of energy bars and then walked out into the hallway. He started to settle in front of Darnell’s door, when he heard a muffled scream and faint… slobbering-gobbling noises come from the other side. He quickly tried the door, initially too panicked to think of the extra key card with which Darnell had entrusted him. He fumbled for it and soon had the door open. The interior was completely dark. The light from the hallway spilled inward but didn’t seem to reach as far into the room as it should.
He drew his pistol from the holster on his waistband and began to stalk forward, “Boss, you okay? You hurt?” The room was as silent as a tomb, he shivered a little as that thought crossed his mind. Over by the closed drapes, he smelled something awful: fresh blood and spilled entrails… recent death. His feet squelched on wet carpet. He turned around quickly. There had been no noise, but he’d felt a… presence. There she stood, arms spread wide, mouth on her gut spread wider. Rhino wasn’t one to scream or yell, even in extremis, so no others would come to this room to investigate.
**** * ****
Shelly was glad when the rowdy group left the roulette wheel that sat behind her favorite row of slots. The former “one-armed bandits”, that were now, “multiple button digital bandits” lined every available wall space, and in some spaces stood in rows that drew regulars like a dung-heap draws flies. She’d grabbed her favorite machine early in the evening and sat sliding in dollar bills and working up her points. It was called “Buffalo Dance” and featured images of American Bison and feather-bedecked hunters. The theme on the screen matched and she hoped to one day see the “White Buffalo” image adorn the entire set of images… the grand prize view. Despite the fun graphics, it was her favorite because it was near a restroom and a free soda and snack bar. She found herself ahead and on a roll. She absently lipped her dangling cigarette back into her mouth for a long draw. The smoke obscured the screen for a moment, and then she noted a shadow that lengthened across the reflective surface. Someone stood close behind her. Someone who exuded a chilly air. She paused and looked around, “Can I help you?”
There was no answer, though the shadow shifted slightly as if its caster had heard her.
Now she grew annoyed, this is just the sort of thing to break my winning streak! she raged internally. She braced her hands against the machine and worked her buttocks to make the stool on which she perched spin, so she could confront her harasser. She gaped, and nearly lost her cigarette, there was no one standing near enough to cast the shadow. No one even faced her. She chalked it up to excitement, maybe someone stepped too close when passing to go to the restroom, she thought, still a little annoyed and... chilled.
She turned back to her game and continued working the buttons, pumping in bills, and winning, a little at a time, the points now built well above her investment. This weekend is gonna pay for the last two months of losing and breaking even, she thought triumphantly. The shadow loomed across the screen once more, this time even larger, as though the figure that cast it stood closer. The shape was amorphous but hinted at anthropomorphic. She shivered as an icy breeze flowed around her, as though the air conditioning had sent out a short, cold burst, a minor malfunction…
She turned around with more alacrity and determination than the last time, mouth agape, cigarette once more dangling… precipitously and endangering the cleavage she displayed, already baked and wrinkled from years of sunbathing. The frigid air passed, and no one stood anywhere near her, though a customer approached, headed for either snacks or relief. “Excuse me sir, did you just see someone, maybe a large man, standing behind me?”
The man paused and looked at her in confusion. He had clearly been absorbed in his own thoughts, “Er, what? Uh, No. I wasn’t really paying attention, but… no.” He bustled on toward the free fountain drinks machine.
Shelly shrugged, can’t give up now, the pot is even bigger. She checked her points; she was nearing her all-time high. The winnings would pay her space rental fee at the RV park for the entire month. She pressed and played the buttons more fervently than ever, determined to break the bank on straight points or to reach that magical spin that would offer an instant reward of $10,000.00. She set her new points record and reveled for a moment. She reached for the now small stack of dollar bills the rest having been devoured by the machine. She fed in the entire remaining amount, then once more gazed at the screen. It was entirely blackened by a looming shadow.
The temperature of the air around her plummeted and she shuddered with the sudden biting cold. The cigarette was long extinguished, and she’d let the cold fag fall into the ash tray built onto the side of the machine opposite the drink holder. She was so cold, and she wanted to cry out for help, but the darkness closed in around her as the shadow enveloped her and cut off her breathing. Her fingers, paused above the “spin” button, struck and as her consciousness faded, she saw the flashing blue light and heard the blare of the winner’s siren. White Buffalo images filled all nine spaces. I won! The grand prize!
**** * ****
Terry filled his large cup and stood sipping and daydreaming. He’d lost everything he’d budgeted to lose. Yet he knew that one more try would put him back in black for this trip. He mused about what he would do with the prize money. He’d set his limit at $300.00 and had quickly lost it all on slots. Maybe he could risk just a few more dollars… skip a lunch or two until his next paycheck if it didn’t work. He was startled by the jackpot winner’s flashing light and siren that went off just behind him. That bitch! He yelled internally. Figures some old used up skank would win the big prize. He looked over at the nearby machine with anger and envy vying for control of his senses. She was gone!
He stepped over to the machine and looked around in confusion. Maybe she’d gone to the restroom? No, she’d have passed right by me. He shook his head and stepped up to look at the screen. He could still feel the recent presence of a player, the trace of warmth from a human body that might linger in a space for just a moment after the human had vacated the space. He looked around the casino floor, she was nowhere in sight. She’d been wearing a low-cut silver-spangled top that was cut way too low for her sagging, sun-ravaged bosom. She should be easy to spy, she looked like a deflated disco ball that had fallen from the ceiling to play slots. The only thing that came his way was a train of employees, led by a waitress in a skimpy outfit with purple sparkles and carrying a tray with a glass and a dark bottle. She was followed by other employees, who’d formed a sort of conga line: they sang a congratulatory chorus as they approached.
Terry gaped for a moment when he realized that they thought he was the big winner. He’d have to deny it of course. Surely the woman would be back at any moment to claim her prize. The floor cameras would have recorded who had sat at the machine, but it was too late. The group of enthused employees encircled him, and the attractive young waitress poured him a glass of champagne and snuggled up to him. The manager approached and seized his hand for a vigorous shake, “Well done sir! I see that not only have you hit the jackpot, but you’ve raised an additional $3,000.00 in points. A fabulous prize and well played I’m sure.”
Terry was flabbergasted. He’d never won anything like this… I still haven’t, not really, he reminded himself. He rarely broke even on his gambling forays, whether to the casino, or the corner store for lottery tickets and video slots. He allowed himself to be swept into the reverie and led from the machine to the bar. The employees peeled away as they approached, and he soon found himself with only the bottle and a receipt that he could cash out before he left the premises. A sullen-looking woman stood behind the bar, wiping glasses and a large, mean-looking security staffer menaced the far end. He already had his bottle, so he wasn’t sure why the staff members had deposited him with these two killjoys. He shrugged, picked up the champagne and started to walk away from the bar.
“You can’t take that with you. Either drink it here or give it to me and I’ll put it in the trash.” The bartender stated in monotone.
The security officer stood up straight from where he’d been leaning against the far wall, apparently propping up the building. He folded his massive arms in a threatening manner. Silly, thought Terry, folded arms should be a hindrance, but I get the feeling he’s dangerous regardless. He figured that he’d had enough anyway and set the nearly empty bottle on the bar, “You can keep it ma’am. I can afford another at the hotel.” Terry started to walk away from the bar, but a huge ham-like hand seized his shoulder.
Sausage-sized fingers applied painful pressure, “You apologize to the lady.” The wet heat from a mouth placed uncomfortably close to his ear and beath smelling of river bottom, sent a shiver of disgust through his body. The voice was low and deep as the river that ran past the back side of the property.
Terry decided on the better part of valor and head facing forward to avoid the obscene orifice, “Sorry ma’am, I meant no offense.”
The fingers let go and a harsh laugh sounded from behind the bar. “He don’t even know why he’s apologizing, fool. He ain’t worth the trouble, let him go.”
Terry felt a slight shove and he was sent on his way to the cash-out window. There he met with the lead cashier, an older woman in drab clothing, “I’m sorry sir, we give out only these pre-paid cards, we cannot provide cash over $1,000.00. However, you can treat them like a debit or credit card.” the cashier informed him. It seemed he had no choice, so he accepted. Thirteen grand is thirteen grand, he assured himself. He was elated, though he continued to glance around nervously, waiting for the woman in the sparkly fish-scale top to accost him and name him thief. Yet she was nowhere to be seen. The floor was full of players, some laughing, some intense, some dejected or mesmerized by the games of chance in which they’d lost themselves.
He thought about what to do with the rest of his evening. He didn’t have a hotel room; he’d planned to sleep in his station wagon as he always did before the long haul home. Perhaps he should get a room? Maybe they would take him without a reservation… he giggled a little at the unintended pun: a reservation at the Reservation… he shook his head to clear his overreaction to the silly internal joke. He decided that maybe someone on staff could help him. He approached the major domo at the front entrance that led to the interior walkway and the hotel beyond, “Excuse me sir, do you know whether the hotel will accept a resident without a prior reservation?”
The man, single dark braid wrapped in a leather holder and draped over one shoulder, looked at him gravely, “Yes, I know.” He said nothing more and did not smile as though he’d intended to be humorous.
Terry tried again, “Will you tell me please?”
The man flicked his chin in the direction of the hotel, “See the clerk at the desk.”
“Jerk, you’d think I hadn’t pissed away enough cash in this place over the past few years,” Terry muttered as he stumped toward the hotel, ensuring that he was well beyond earshot before he spoke. His head had begun to buzz a little from the champagne. Took a while for it to affect me, he mused. The hallway appeared to narrow, and his peripheral vision grew grey. He felt dizzy and as he entered the main lobby, the large room began to spin. His last view was of the sky-blue ceiling decorated with a few puffy clouds as it faded into darkness like the sun had set.
He awakened to the sounds of voices chattering happily. He looked around, his vision blurred slightly and his head feeling heavy and sore. He soon found that he could not move his arms or legs… they were bound… he was strapped to a table. He saw numerous bodies moving about in the mostly dark space in which he found himself. “Please.” He croaked, throat dry and feeling scraped. “Please, help me, let me loose. Loose me…” his perceptions cleared slowly, and he saw that the bodies that moved around him, now chanting rhythmically rather than babble-chattering, were emaciated. The owners showed as much bone through their skin as would a dead thing, long decayed. He noted spikes above a few heads… no, antlers… The rest wore… masks? Of various beasts… no, the skulls of those creatures, still filled with glistening fangs. Their dance grew ever more frantic, more energetic than they should be capable of performing. Then one of them reached out with a stick, on the end of which was a small claw, taken and preserved from some dead animal. It used the claw to gouge out a scoop of flesh from Terry’s side. He screamed in torment and horror. His screams soon matched the rhythm of the chanting and they went on for a long time before they at last faded when he’d lost too much blood to remain conscious.
**** * **** END PAGE 1 of 2

…The raging river, pulled them down.
Now they’ll always, be together,
In that Happy Hunting Ground…
- Running Bear by Sonny James
“Snakeyes! New roller, please, next up.” The game runner raked in the dice and chips and ignored the despair in the countenance of the most recent “high roller”. Ted shook his head and other people crowded him away from the dice pit. He was almost out of funds and it was still early. He’d budgeted his, “loss level” carefully to maximize his time at the reservation casino. It was an older one, filled with stereotypical paintings and statues intended to honor the local First Nations Tribes while fulfilling the expectations of rude tourists. He looked around forlornly for a new game to play. He didn’t care for the slots or the drawn-out and ever-shifting card games… ah, Blackjack! There was an opening at the table.
He rushed over before anyone else could snag it and bustled onto the chair. “Okay to deal me in on the next hand?” He interrupted the dealer, who ignored him until he was done dealing out the rest of the players and raking in the chips. He still did not speak but once Ted placed the minimum bet, he flipped a card down in front of him and the game began. Ted immediately started winning the straightforward game. He picked up most of his losses from his unfortunate run at craps and was finally enjoying himself. The couple at the far end of the table had apparently had enough and didn’t care for the new player. Ted liked to talk to new people and thought he was good at it. Before long, the other players had left and it was down to him, the dealer, and an older man, who wore a black cowboy style hat and chain-smoked thin cigarillos.
Ted, grinning heartily at his latest win, glanced over at the man, who had just fired up his next cancer-stick, “You know casinos, and a few bars are the last public places where anyone smokes. I remember when there were smoking sections at most places and my parents told me that there used to be no restrictions. I’ll bet you get plenty of pressure to stop from your family and friends. It’s a pretty bad habit for your long-term health…” Ted usually rambled on past any non-verbal cues that people might give him to stop talking, yet his diatribe came to a screeching halt at the look with which the stern-faced elder favored him.
The older man drew in a long pull on the firestick and then exhaled the stinking cloud into Ted’s face. He coughed a little and gagged at the odor of the raw blend of tobacco and chemicals. The old one removed the cigarillo from his mouth and tapped ashes onto the edge of the table and down onto the floor at his toes, “Sonny, nobody cares. Nobody wants your opinion, and you are not special, no matter what your mommy told you. I’ll do as I please and if you don’t like it, go bother people at another table.”
Ted gaped in shock. In his mind, the man’s words verged on an “assault”. He looked helplessly at the dealer, who just ducked his head and tried not to laugh. Indignant, he rose, took his pile of chips and fled into the depths of the gaming house in search of a friendlier table. He didn’t find one that he liked, so he finally gave up and sat at the bar. The bartender seemed to ignore him in favor of tidying up her workspace. He cleared his throat and received only a glance. He mumbled as much to himself as to her, “I just want a drink while I wait for a table to open.” He wondered at her stony silence, maybe she resents me for being…
His vocal ruminations were interrupted by a feminine voice, “What do you want?”
Ted looked up to see the bartender, mocking smile in place below shining, mesmerizing eyes. Ted simply gaped and eventually worked his jaw uselessly. The bartender shrugged and walked back to the other end of the bar. She spoke with a large man who was clearly part of the security team. He glared at Ted while she spoke. Ted wanted to avoid a confrontation. He’d been conditioned that he should seek authorities if such a situation loomed. Yet casino security was the only available authority here locally. There were Tribal Police on the Reservation, but he wasn’t sure they would want to listen to him. He finally shrugged and decided to go back over to the hotel for the rest of the night. This trip had been very unsatisfying… like all those he’d taken since he moved away from his parents’ home a few years previously.
There was an indoor walkway to the hotel, but Ted decided to go by the outdoor route to get some fresh air and enjoy the natural beauty that the builders had incorporated into the facility. As he walked dejectedly down the sidewalk, local flora pressing in from each side, he heard, from the nearby forest, a screeching wail. It startled him and he had to stop a moment to catch his breath and wait for his heart rate to slow to something more manageable. He realized that it must have been an owl or some other night bird. His father had told him that there were always weird noises “out in the sticks”.
As he plunged his hands into his pockets and determined to go to his room for rest, he caught the faint smell of burning tobacco on the breeze. It wafted over his shoulder from behind and caused him to emit a feeble cough. He looked back in annoyance. In the shadows behind him, he saw a figure. It was dark and stood still in a way that made him uncomfortable. An orange glowing circle of embers hovered around the face and rendered just enough light to illuminate the blue-grey curls of smoke as they exited the tiny conflagration and rose above the brim of a black hat. The ember flared for a moment and then flashed to the ground and was snuffed by a shadowed… foot? It wasn’t exactly clear to Ted; the figure’s lower extremities were... blurred. An even brighter flare, from a lighter or match stabbed into Ted’s eyes as the Smoker lit his next cigarillo.
Ted glared irritation but felt uncomfortable at the unnatural stillness to which the figure returned once the new fire was lit. He coughed once more, this time deliberately in a passive-aggressive attempt to communicate his displeasure and resumed his walk. He strained to listen behind him to determine whether the figure followed. He truly wished to get away from the stink and the threat of cancer or other respiratory illnesses. He slowed to listen, then gave up and looked over his shoulder again. There was no figure in the dark back near the exit to the casino. He turned to resume his walk, but a smoky black form now loomed before him! Its eyes glowed and smoked like large twin cigars as it gaped a maw that emitted pure black smoke and glowed with blue flames within the deep tunnel of the throat. Ted’s consciousness fled his body and found itself in a burning nightmare landscape that extended for as far as he could perceive in all directions.
**** * ****
Darnell, known to his public as “Murder Bush” a deliberate mistranslation of “merde bouche” a.k.a. “Deadly Rapper” for having been a suspect in a shooting back in his youth, stepped up to the dice pit as the geeky dude left. He had plenty of chips and cash to back them. His entourage was there to support him and kiss his backside as often as he wished. He rolled through six passes before he crapped out. He hadn’t over-bet, so he’d won a small amount. He picked up his latest winning chips and handed them to the hostess who had kept him well plied with drinks and snacks. He was sure that for the right price, she would take care of his other needs. He played a few card tables and finished with Roulette.
Each time he won a few chips, he passed them on to the young woman or to one of his flunkies. In the end, they had all received at least some reward for the praises they’d heaped upon him; not for any real accomplishments, but rather to curry favor with the man whom they considered to be wealthy and important: a celebrity. The girl stayed at his side and except for when he asked her questions, she said nothing. He liked that: bitch know her place, he reveled in internal satisfaction. He liked her looks too. She was medium height and a little, “thick”. She was clearly interested but hadn’t gotten in his way when he flirted with other women. He truly liked this one. The more he considered her, the more he wanted to get down to business.
Eventually, he posed the question to her, “How much for the next few hours?” His brazen suggestion that she would take money for sexual favors was the final test. If she grew angry, then she didn’t appreciate his genius…
“Whatever you think is fair. How about we see if I can satisfy you? If I can, then you may want to be generous… as you have been so far.” She hefted the chips so that the pieces clinked in her palm. “If not, I don’t deserve a reward.”
She had passed with flying colors. Might even take this one back to civilization with me, he purred in his mind. He’d always thought of himself as a Big Cat… maybe a leopard or jaguar, definitely something dangerous and sleek. His need grew more intense by the moment. He desperately wanted this woman. “Come on, let’s go to my room.” He husked in a voice grown thick with desire.
They reached his suite, his groupies having been dismissed to their own nefarious pursuits, even his bodyguard. The big man had shrugged, “Your call boss-man.” and then stumped across the hallway to his own room. Now he was finally alone with… her. He stripped off his shirt and flipped his shoes into a corner. She stood by the window and watched. The drinks he’d consumed finally caught up with him before he’d shucked his pants and drawers, “Hold on, I’ll be right back.” He was excited, which made urinating a challenge, but it had to be done, so that he could maximize his pleasure. When he stepped from the restroom, au natural, he saw that his latest conquest had done the same and now stood, bare to the world and staring out the window, all the curtains on it pushed to one side, so that the night loomed and the light of a single small desk lamp lit the room. He stalked over to her, ready to take her right there at the window in full view of anyone who looked up from the outside. He secretly hoped for an audience. He enjoyed having others watch him take what he wanted.
She turned to face him, her head lowered… no, it had sunken into her body, only her hair remained above her shoulders! A… mouth, gaping and slavering opened on her stomach, a mouth too large for her body and rimmed with rows of teeth like sharpened spikes. She stepped forward to embrace him and the screaming began… sounds that he was accustomed to eliciting from others rather than emitting from his own person.
**** * ****
“Rhino” was unhappy. He didn’t like to leave Darnell unattended. Perhaps now that his boss was in the room, he could go stand guard outside the door. He took care of some personal ablutions as he wolfed down a couple of energy bars and then walked out into the hallway. He started to settle in front of Darnell’s door, when he heard a muffled scream and faint… slobbering-gobbling noises come from the other side. He quickly tried the door, initially too panicked to think of the extra key card with which Darnell had entrusted him. He fumbled for it and soon had the door open. The interior was completely dark. The light from the hallway spilled inward but didn’t seem to reach as far into the room as it should.
He drew his pistol from the holster on his waistband and began to stalk forward, “Boss, you okay? You hurt?” The room was as silent as a tomb, he shivered a little as that thought crossed his mind. Over by the closed drapes, he smelled something awful: fresh blood and spilled entrails… recent death. His feet squelched on wet carpet. He turned around quickly. There had been no noise, but he’d felt a… presence. There she stood, arms spread wide, mouth on her gut spread wider. Rhino wasn’t one to scream or yell, even in extremis, so no others would come to this room to investigate.
**** * ****
Shelly was glad when the rowdy group left the roulette wheel that sat behind her favorite row of slots. The former “one-armed bandits”, that were now, “multiple button digital bandits” lined every available wall space, and in some spaces stood in rows that drew regulars like a dung-heap draws flies. She’d grabbed her favorite machine early in the evening and sat sliding in dollar bills and working up her points. It was called “Buffalo Dance” and featured images of American Bison and feather-bedecked hunters. The theme on the screen matched and she hoped to one day see the “White Buffalo” image adorn the entire set of images… the grand prize view. Despite the fun graphics, it was her favorite because it was near a restroom and a free soda and snack bar. She found herself ahead and on a roll. She absently lipped her dangling cigarette back into her mouth for a long draw. The smoke obscured the screen for a moment, and then she noted a shadow that lengthened across the reflective surface. Someone stood close behind her. Someone who exuded a chilly air. She paused and looked around, “Can I help you?”
There was no answer, though the shadow shifted slightly as if its caster had heard her.
Now she grew annoyed, this is just the sort of thing to break my winning streak! she raged internally. She braced her hands against the machine and worked her buttocks to make the stool on which she perched spin, so she could confront her harasser. She gaped, and nearly lost her cigarette, there was no one standing near enough to cast the shadow. No one even faced her. She chalked it up to excitement, maybe someone stepped too close when passing to go to the restroom, she thought, still a little annoyed and... chilled.
She turned back to her game and continued working the buttons, pumping in bills, and winning, a little at a time, the points now built well above her investment. This weekend is gonna pay for the last two months of losing and breaking even, she thought triumphantly. The shadow loomed across the screen once more, this time even larger, as though the figure that cast it stood closer. The shape was amorphous but hinted at anthropomorphic. She shivered as an icy breeze flowed around her, as though the air conditioning had sent out a short, cold burst, a minor malfunction…
She turned around with more alacrity and determination than the last time, mouth agape, cigarette once more dangling… precipitously and endangering the cleavage she displayed, already baked and wrinkled from years of sunbathing. The frigid air passed, and no one stood anywhere near her, though a customer approached, headed for either snacks or relief. “Excuse me sir, did you just see someone, maybe a large man, standing behind me?”
The man paused and looked at her in confusion. He had clearly been absorbed in his own thoughts, “Er, what? Uh, No. I wasn’t really paying attention, but… no.” He bustled on toward the free fountain drinks machine.
Shelly shrugged, can’t give up now, the pot is even bigger. She checked her points; she was nearing her all-time high. The winnings would pay her space rental fee at the RV park for the entire month. She pressed and played the buttons more fervently than ever, determined to break the bank on straight points or to reach that magical spin that would offer an instant reward of $10,000.00. She set her new points record and reveled for a moment. She reached for the now small stack of dollar bills the rest having been devoured by the machine. She fed in the entire remaining amount, then once more gazed at the screen. It was entirely blackened by a looming shadow.
The temperature of the air around her plummeted and she shuddered with the sudden biting cold. The cigarette was long extinguished, and she’d let the cold fag fall into the ash tray built onto the side of the machine opposite the drink holder. She was so cold, and she wanted to cry out for help, but the darkness closed in around her as the shadow enveloped her and cut off her breathing. Her fingers, paused above the “spin” button, struck and as her consciousness faded, she saw the flashing blue light and heard the blare of the winner’s siren. White Buffalo images filled all nine spaces. I won! The grand prize!
**** * ****
Terry filled his large cup and stood sipping and daydreaming. He’d lost everything he’d budgeted to lose. Yet he knew that one more try would put him back in black for this trip. He mused about what he would do with the prize money. He’d set his limit at $300.00 and had quickly lost it all on slots. Maybe he could risk just a few more dollars… skip a lunch or two until his next paycheck if it didn’t work. He was startled by the jackpot winner’s flashing light and siren that went off just behind him. That bitch! He yelled internally. Figures some old used up skank would win the big prize. He looked over at the nearby machine with anger and envy vying for control of his senses. She was gone!
He stepped over to the machine and looked around in confusion. Maybe she’d gone to the restroom? No, she’d have passed right by me. He shook his head and stepped up to look at the screen. He could still feel the recent presence of a player, the trace of warmth from a human body that might linger in a space for just a moment after the human had vacated the space. He looked around the casino floor, she was nowhere in sight. She’d been wearing a low-cut silver-spangled top that was cut way too low for her sagging, sun-ravaged bosom. She should be easy to spy, she looked like a deflated disco ball that had fallen from the ceiling to play slots. The only thing that came his way was a train of employees, led by a waitress in a skimpy outfit with purple sparkles and carrying a tray with a glass and a dark bottle. She was followed by other employees, who’d formed a sort of conga line: they sang a congratulatory chorus as they approached.
Terry gaped for a moment when he realized that they thought he was the big winner. He’d have to deny it of course. Surely the woman would be back at any moment to claim her prize. The floor cameras would have recorded who had sat at the machine, but it was too late. The group of enthused employees encircled him, and the attractive young waitress poured him a glass of champagne and snuggled up to him. The manager approached and seized his hand for a vigorous shake, “Well done sir! I see that not only have you hit the jackpot, but you’ve raised an additional $3,000.00 in points. A fabulous prize and well played I’m sure.”
Terry was flabbergasted. He’d never won anything like this… I still haven’t, not really, he reminded himself. He rarely broke even on his gambling forays, whether to the casino, or the corner store for lottery tickets and video slots. He allowed himself to be swept into the reverie and led from the machine to the bar. The employees peeled away as they approached, and he soon found himself with only the bottle and a receipt that he could cash out before he left the premises. A sullen-looking woman stood behind the bar, wiping glasses and a large, mean-looking security staffer menaced the far end. He already had his bottle, so he wasn’t sure why the staff members had deposited him with these two killjoys. He shrugged, picked up the champagne and started to walk away from the bar.
“You can’t take that with you. Either drink it here or give it to me and I’ll put it in the trash.” The bartender stated in monotone.
The security officer stood up straight from where he’d been leaning against the far wall, apparently propping up the building. He folded his massive arms in a threatening manner. Silly, thought Terry, folded arms should be a hindrance, but I get the feeling he’s dangerous regardless. He figured that he’d had enough anyway and set the nearly empty bottle on the bar, “You can keep it ma’am. I can afford another at the hotel.” Terry started to walk away from the bar, but a huge ham-like hand seized his shoulder.
Sausage-sized fingers applied painful pressure, “You apologize to the lady.” The wet heat from a mouth placed uncomfortably close to his ear and beath smelling of river bottom, sent a shiver of disgust through his body. The voice was low and deep as the river that ran past the back side of the property.
Terry decided on the better part of valor and head facing forward to avoid the obscene orifice, “Sorry ma’am, I meant no offense.”
The fingers let go and a harsh laugh sounded from behind the bar. “He don’t even know why he’s apologizing, fool. He ain’t worth the trouble, let him go.”
Terry felt a slight shove and he was sent on his way to the cash-out window. There he met with the lead cashier, an older woman in drab clothing, “I’m sorry sir, we give out only these pre-paid cards, we cannot provide cash over $1,000.00. However, you can treat them like a debit or credit card.” the cashier informed him. It seemed he had no choice, so he accepted. Thirteen grand is thirteen grand, he assured himself. He was elated, though he continued to glance around nervously, waiting for the woman in the sparkly fish-scale top to accost him and name him thief. Yet she was nowhere to be seen. The floor was full of players, some laughing, some intense, some dejected or mesmerized by the games of chance in which they’d lost themselves.
He thought about what to do with the rest of his evening. He didn’t have a hotel room; he’d planned to sleep in his station wagon as he always did before the long haul home. Perhaps he should get a room? Maybe they would take him without a reservation… he giggled a little at the unintended pun: a reservation at the Reservation… he shook his head to clear his overreaction to the silly internal joke. He decided that maybe someone on staff could help him. He approached the major domo at the front entrance that led to the interior walkway and the hotel beyond, “Excuse me sir, do you know whether the hotel will accept a resident without a prior reservation?”
The man, single dark braid wrapped in a leather holder and draped over one shoulder, looked at him gravely, “Yes, I know.” He said nothing more and did not smile as though he’d intended to be humorous.
Terry tried again, “Will you tell me please?”
The man flicked his chin in the direction of the hotel, “See the clerk at the desk.”
“Jerk, you’d think I hadn’t pissed away enough cash in this place over the past few years,” Terry muttered as he stumped toward the hotel, ensuring that he was well beyond earshot before he spoke. His head had begun to buzz a little from the champagne. Took a while for it to affect me, he mused. The hallway appeared to narrow, and his peripheral vision grew grey. He felt dizzy and as he entered the main lobby, the large room began to spin. His last view was of the sky-blue ceiling decorated with a few puffy clouds as it faded into darkness like the sun had set.
He awakened to the sounds of voices chattering happily. He looked around, his vision blurred slightly and his head feeling heavy and sore. He soon found that he could not move his arms or legs… they were bound… he was strapped to a table. He saw numerous bodies moving about in the mostly dark space in which he found himself. “Please.” He croaked, throat dry and feeling scraped. “Please, help me, let me loose. Loose me…” his perceptions cleared slowly, and he saw that the bodies that moved around him, now chanting rhythmically rather than babble-chattering, were emaciated. The owners showed as much bone through their skin as would a dead thing, long decayed. He noted spikes above a few heads… no, antlers… The rest wore… masks? Of various beasts… no, the skulls of those creatures, still filled with glistening fangs. Their dance grew ever more frantic, more energetic than they should be capable of performing. Then one of them reached out with a stick, on the end of which was a small claw, taken and preserved from some dead animal. It used the claw to gouge out a scoop of flesh from Terry’s side. He screamed in torment and horror. His screams soon matched the rhythm of the chanting and they went on for a long time before they at last faded when he’d lost too much blood to remain conscious.
**** * ****

So I took a trip to Kansas City from Minneapolis on a business matter. Just the week before I'd driven in my 97 Honda Civic from Minneapolis to Chicago (no pics). I found the Chicago trip to be fun and interest. The drive was filled with a lot of interesting views, people, and things to do. By contrast, the drive to Kansas City pretty much grated on my nerves.
The drive down thru southern Minnesota wasn't so bad. But once I got into Iowa, I started to get sleepy. The landscape is so boring. So I stopped at this gas station, got a hot dog, chips, and a drink, and relaxed for the evening. The gas station parking lot was full of trucks. Dozens of them. But I found a quiet spot in the back and began to fall asleep around midnight. Unfortunately, some dipshits decided to park right next to me and start some bullshit argument. Screaming, "You motherfucker, you left my cell phone, my clothes, and all my shit back at the park cuz you got scared of the cops! Go back to the park and get my shit!"
I understand I don't own the parking lot. But why do idiots have to park next to me. This is the reason why I completely black out my windows and have earbuds. Because it's easy to tune out others that way. But I had neither that evening so I had to endure those idiots for 30 minutes til they finally left.
I woke up after 7:30am the next day and started driving. And driving. And driving. I stopped off at Des Moines and ate at a local McDs. Des Moines was virtually a ghost town. I could count the number of people I saw on the street on my fingers. But it was raining...so....
In any case, I got back on the road and did more driving and the drive just grated on my nerves. Iowa is the size of England yet the population is only 1 million. And the landscape is nothing but boring praire. Take a look at this pic. This is just a small road. But on the right is what you see on either side of you while driving down the Iowa highway. Nothing but flat prairie dotted by the occasional farmhouse. It's mind numbingly boring beyond belief. Especially when you're in a hurry. When you're in a hurry, not so boring.
And Iowa is low on exits of any kind. You can go 5+ miles without seeing any exit. Not an exit for a town, a rest stop, or anything. So if you have to go to the bathroom real bad, you could be holding it in for around 10 miles. And the drive is even more dreary in the rain.
But I did find an exit for the Lakeside Casino. I had to stop or I'd have fallen asleep. Their video arcade was smaller than my old bedroom. And the restaurant was dead. I played a few slots but wasn't feeling it. The place was pretty dead. The place was pretty much like any other Native American casino: mostly filled with chain smoking old folks gambling away their retirement money. Plus, this being rural America, I got a few, "Are you serious?" looks from the locals because I was wearing a mask. Although all employees were wearing masks, less than half the patrons were wearing masks and the employees weren't enforcing masks.
After a few dollar lost, I went to sleep in the parking lot. I wish I had money for an RV space on the other side of the lot. The casino also has an RV park for people who wanna gamble regularly. Looks like that's how they spend their retirement: living on the lot while gambling. Nice way to retire.
After a long drive, I made it into Missouri and finally Kansas City. But it was night by then and I stopped at the local Walmart for relaxation and some zees. Unfortunately, a couple of idiots, one in a white truck and the other in black, had to park right across from me, so they could have a contest to see whose car could rev up the loudest. I was severely tempted to go into the Walmart and buy a weapon but they went inside. I parked as far from them as I could and got some sleep.
I woke up around midnight to the sound of the Walmart parking lot sweeper making a huge racket. At the far end, he wasn't annoying. But he kept on driving past my car and it was too loud. After a while, he seemed to go away. I needed to pee so I whipped out my pee bottle. I covered it up under my blanket. Right when I was dabbing the last remains, the sweeper comes right next to the car and looks dead at me. Even though I couldn't see his expression, I am 100% positive he thought I was beating my meat. Because he never came by my car again. I resolved right then and there to get black cardboard to cover my windows.
The next day, I finished my business in Kansas City, used the library to charge my devices, and ht the road for Minneapolis. And I kept driving and driving and driving until I thought, "I must be close to Des Moines by now." But then I saw a sign that said, "Welcome to Iowa!" and I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was gonna be a long drive.
But I drove faster this time. Kept my foot on the accelerator and stopped only a few times. There are three rest stops in Iowa and the all have stall doors that are only five feet high. So if you were taking a piss, you could turn your head and see a guy dropping a deuce. Nice interior design.
I kept driving until I finally needed gas. The gas station had a dystopian feel. The shelves were half empty, the cashier looked like Willie Nelson, and the owners could probably count the number of customers they got per year on their hands. The local Dairy Queen had seen better days. So had the abandoned trailer behind it. The Super 8 appeared to be the liveliest spot in town.
After I got on the highway, I drove the remaining 1 and a half to 2 hours at 70 miles without stopping. When I made it back to Minneapolis, I parked at my regular pizza shop. That's when I noticed white smoke was coming from my car. I looked at the temperature gauge to see the needle was way up there in the red. Crap.
I got some pasta. Then parked at a nearby Taco Bell, near the Valvoline Oil where I was gonna get an oil change. The Taco Bell kept on having dipshits who would blast their loud crap music even while waiting in line at the drive thru. But I was far away enough to fall asleep.
When I got to Valvoline, they told me I had an oil leak and it would take more money to fix than what I'd paid for it. Shit. Time to get a new car. The end.

When my wife and I slept in our car for nearly three months, as a husband, I looked at this woman, my partner, my best friend, my Beloved, the one to whom I am mated, and as shitty as it was, I cherished the fact that she was with me. This was all last year, from Oct until nearly Christmas.
I didn’t understand the complexity and simplicity of my own truth but, if I had to have nothing to call our own, she is the only with whom I would celebrate our emergence from that shit. I had romanticized the building of our life together by thinking that deprivation and squalor was a way to define our worth and value to one another. In some way, I had imagined that if we fought through the shit, we could, as a team, show the whole fucking world what it could like to really and truly know Love.
And guess what?
While we parked and slept at night in the parking lot of Hollywood Casino, trying to dodge the random security patrols at night, gathering our duvets and sleeping bags from the trunk, she never pointed a finger. Never accused me of failing to provide. Didn’t once click her tongue against her teeth, or call me a loser, or even utter a single syllable that hurt my feelings.
When we were wandering around in “charity shops” as she called them, and I called them “thrift stores”, she reached out and took my hand. She took my hand with a pride that I had never, in my entire fucking life, had ever experienced. There was no shame, or “I hope that no one sees us”. She took my hand and interlaced our fingers and she went through these piles of used clothes…
She held up shirts to my chest and asked me what I thought. She made sure I was always close by. She found a fucking duvet, which was a whole new experience for me, and she asked me to hold one end. She explained what the fuck it was, since I thought it was damn comforter. But she patiently explained the buttons, the bottom, the filling, the whole essence of a quality duvet. We were in a fucking “thrift store” with coins in my pocket, and no way of knowing when or if any more money was ever coming in, and here she was, eyes all alight to make sure that her husband was going to be warm if we had to sleep in the car again.
A fucking duvet.
That night, we pulled the car into the lower level where most of the RV’s parked, and we did our little routine. We got the comforter, pillows, sleep-clothes and new duvets out of the trunk. We changed clothes in the car while it was running with heat on full blast.
In all of my shame and “wtf” as a husband, she would get dressed and ask me how I was doing with my “changing process”. She would ask if I needed anything at all.
And then she did it.
After we made sure that the car was warm, and that we’d gotten into our jammies and I was feeling like the most inept piece of shit on the planet, across the console of this 2001 BMW 740iL, right next to the gear shift, beneath the layers of clothes, comforters, duvets and my personal shame, she somehow found my hand and in the sweetest, most heart-embracing voice, with accent of hers, in the entirety of my life, she said, as if this was an everyday occurrence, “I love you, husband.” and squeezed my hand.
I cried real, deep tears in my seventeen dollar Walmart sleeping bag that night.
For me, my every wish had been clearly and honestly expressed in this woman that never held my past against me, that never groaned, complained or pointed out my errors.
Instead, she said, blindly, in a fucking car, with no home or place to call our home…
“I love you, husband.”
When we woke up in the morning and tried to find a fast-food joint that was open, she held my hand and perused the value-menu with me. She would get her coffee, biscuit with pats of butter, two napkins and a straw. I later found out that she took the extra napkins in case we had to use them late at night with access to a public restroom.
There is nothing uplifting about any of us, or this life of ours, I thought, unless you step back and begin to understand from a wholly new perspective, that for me, by being who she is, was, and doing what she did, she, for me, is the living truth of Love.
How does someone sleep in a car, in random parking lots for nearly three months and yet, every night, they reach across and find your hand? When we went to the library to get warm, she found a way to sneak a note into my cheap-ass briefcase to tell me that she loved me.
With my Beloved, I was living and experiencing the grace and truth of every deep and organic desire for expression and acknowledgement, living example and wedded truth that confirmed that Love is, real.
And that I deserved to know it. To see it. To experience it. To call it my own.
In June 2020, with COVID-19 a very real aspect of life now, this Beloved of mine is sleeping not too far away. Her shikibuton mattress, the frilly-scenty-misty-3-hour-thingy that she loves, and I learning more about each day, is just another layer of experiencing just how liberating the truth of love really is. And while she is asleep, and I am out here in our office, I am guessing that she is thinking about this amazing family of hers that has welcomed me and loved me unconditionally from day one. Because she, my Beloved, loves they, those who cherish her and Love her, have welcomed me into their lives.
In the end, I do what I do because I know that dreams do come true. They may not happen how or when we think we want but, if we can embrace Truth, it is real.
So what do I have that this person, this woman, the living and breathing treasure of hope and dreams-made-real want of me?
Love intangible. Love approachable. Love unfathomable.
Love.
Real. Love.
And each breath that I have, and with every moment of this life, I give it freely and wholly that she might never, ever wonder.

When: 2014 or 15, probably April
We roll into Vegas after dark, my friend Jerry driving, I riding shotgun, my then wife rolling around in the back of the ruby red '94 Ford Aerostar on the mattress that replaced the seats.
We are dressed in what can only be described as Trailer Park Hippies. Jerry wears sweat pants (he wore a lot of sweat pants back then), a striped shirt, beanie, and square-frame glasses, as he's blind as a bat. My wife is dressed like a bag lady, a tye dye "Workaholics" shirt, ripped jeans, America Hat beanie hat worn ironically over dirty dreadlocks, and I'm wearing a a lot of flannel and sporting a fiery red Leprechaun beard and hair down to my shoulders.
We have a stash that would make Hunter S. Thompson shed tears of joy. We're cruising in with a few ounces of weed, a tinfoil wrapper full of hash, a 10-strip of LSD, an eightball of coke, case of lite beer, and a laundry basket full of oranges and grapefruits acquired in Arizona.
We had been living off of coke, grapefruits, acid, beer and cigarettes laced with hash.
We were young and ready for what Vegas had to offer.
Jerry drives past The Flamingo and we keep going on to Fremont Street. That is our destination, and we plan on milking it for all the free drinks we can.
We drive around for a minute before noticing a $5-all-night parking lot. Perfect. We figure after we get too wasted and broke, we'll just come back and crash in the back of the van.
Jerry, it's always Jerry, cuts up one hit of acid into three little pieces and passes them out.
Jerry then keys up bumps of coke for everyone.
My wife, DD, rolls a nasty hash cigarette and we roll out of the van and smoke it on our way down to Fremont Street.
The thing about taking a little bit of acid is, is you can drink all night. A half hit of acid and you're ready to drink an Irishman under the table. I can't explain how or why it works, but it does. 1/3 of a hit should do the same thing, and we're feeling good.
Vegas is your typical Vegas that I had expected. There's a Danny DeVito impersonator here, a Boss Hogg there, big-titted Showgirls lined up ready to take your money for a photo. Street performers, some of them fantastic, some of them sad. There is a nearly naked man waving a sign that reads, "Money Activates Me". I put a dollar in his hat, and he starts jiggling and shaking and making weird beeping noises. I am a little sad.
As soon as we arrive on Fremont Street I look up to a giant television prompter on the ceiling with Blue Angels flying across while "America the Beautiful" plays over the loudspeakers. I walk past a large Mexican woman wearing all purple.
Jerry tells us that they'll give you free drinks if you play the slot machines. We decide to investigate and pop into the first casino we see. We each slip a dollar into a machine and a waitress comes over and tells us, "make it at least $3, guys". A little saddened, but compliant, we do as we're told.
We spend the next few hours like this. Hopping from casino to casino, putting in as little money as possible, getting as many free drinks as possible. After awhile, it gets tiresome and we spot a crowd heading towards the far side of the street and decide to investigate.
All night we see this horrible Wook-like creature and he has come up to us and asked us for different drugs at least three times. DD must've taken the biggest 1/3 because her pupils are the size of nickels. The first few times he asked for acid, then he asked for DMT. I had never done DMT at that point, but from what I had heard, it would do him no good here. We think he's a cop. We ignore him.
Drinks in hand, we see what the commotion is about, Cheap Trick! is playing a free show. Hell Yes, we think. We push our way to the entrance and are told we cannot bring the drinks in. We each chug our beers and make our way in.
The crowd at Cheap Trick! is rude as far as rock concerts go. It's a bunch of people way more sober than us and they won't let us pass. We're standing shoulder-to-shoulder-to-shoulder with a group of angry looking bikers and decide that Cheap Trick! can go fuck themselves.
We exit the concert and walk to the other end of Fremont Street.
There is another free concert going on, an 80's cover band with the singer dressed like Devo and the bassist wearing stuffed animal pants – that is, Pants covered in stuffed animals. There are only about 20 people in attendance. We're so there.
We walk to the front without any problem and begin our own dance circle.
They have two vocalists, a hot French-looking chick and a man dressed as dollar store Devo.
Jerry thinks French chick is looking at him.
The bandplays a rousing rendition of "Blister in the Sun" and during one of "When I go walkin I strut my stuff and I'm so strung out/I'm high as a kite and I just might stop to check you out" parts, Devo guy holds the microphone out to us and we gargle through it.
He shouts for the band to stop, wait, hold on. Stop stop stop.
"You people are the drunkest people I have ever seen!"
Too drunk to be embarrassed, we continue to dance. We dance until they stop playing.
The acid at this point has all but run its course and the booze is catching up with us.
DD is starting to lose steam.
We decide to drink more.
Walking into a casino, the overhead television plays "America the Beautiful" again as Blue Angels fly and Purple Pants Mexican lady is walking by us again, singing, "Uh-MARE-i-KUH" and crying profusely. She is having a good time.
Unsure of what time it is, we're too fucked to gamble anymore and head to the bar. We attempt to order the cheapest drinks and the bartenders all ignore us.
We get our $2 teas, (“Hold on, I have to make three shitty drinks” quoth the bartender) and walk back outside to get some air. Vegas is starting to spook me out.
People walk down the street and flick a butt, unnamed janitors come from nowhere and sweep it up like it might never have happened. Vegas is like a physics problem. The cigarette butt is like Schrodinger’s Cat. Without the janitor, it may or not be there.
As the night drags on, we see human decency deteriorating.
Having made our way somehow to The Flamingo, we scope out a group of guys who we believe are going to date rape some girl who’s had too much to drink. Maybe it’s the acid enhancing our perceptions, or any of the drugs making us ever more paranoid. Maybe those guys really were out to hurt that woman. We followed them all for some time before realizing we were fucked up and it wasn’t our fight. We needed to get back to the van to sleep.
We make our way back to the van and roll the door open. DD plops down on the mattress, but Jerry and I are determined to gamble and drink more. I promise her I’ll be good.
Just right then two SECURITY dudes on bikes roll by and see the mattress and see the hippie lady sitting upon it. “Y’all can’t sleep here.”
I inform them, but sirs, we paid the $5, and we are way, way, WAY too drunk to drive at this point.
“That’s fine, sirs” he tells me, “but you can’t sleep here. You’re welcome to gamble in our casinos all night, or get a hotel room.”
DD raises her voice to the security dudes and I have to tell her to cool it. We’re out of our element. This is Vegas. We can’t win this one.
I tell them, ok, and they ride off.
I’m too fucked to drive so I tell Jerry he’s going to have to rally and get us out of here. We all begin chugging water, our eyes rolling around in our heads, brains still slightly dripping from the acid.
We’re all yelling at each other that this was a stupid idea. Jerry chugs an adequate amount of water and he climbs into the cockpit. I ride shotgun. We got this.
We drive around aimlessly til we find an indoor parking garage that doesn’t charge us a fee on the way in. We drive to a heavily populated area and kill the engine. Jerry and I fly into the backseat and we keep our heads down, trying to find sleep in what’s left of the night.
We get two hours of sleep when I decide we have to go. Right now.
I think I’m cool to drive, so I start out our journey. The sun is right in my face as I’m leaving and I’m way too hungovestill drunk/fucked up to be doing this. I stop at a gas station for a fill up and on my way in I see a man just grinning at me. I’m in no mood. Who is this asshole just smiling at me at 6 o clock in the morning?
Turns out it was a cardboard cutout of Jeff Gordon. Jesus. Christ.
I pay for my gas and get back to the car. I tell Jerry he’s driving, and I need to sleep.
We drive a few minutes and pull up to an Airstream Diner and decide to fuel up our bellies. The whole night in Vegas we didn’t consume any food, just drugs and booze, and we were in need of nourishment.
We sit at the counter and the man with the plan is an older Hispanic man who appears to be running everything by himself. I order an omelette, toast and hashbrowns, and coffee, sweet, merciful coffee. Biscuits and gravy for Jerry, with “grandma coffee” (that is coffee with too much cream and sugar). DD got a stack of pancakes.
When our food came, the proprietor asks DD if she would like any syrup? She holds her plate above her head like an offering to the man and says nothing. He laughs and asks again what kind of syrup would she like? Blueberry it was.
A little food in us, we begin to feel better.
We hit the road, California Bound! I resign to the mattress in back and pass out, Jerry driving, DD his copilot.
I awake some time later to the sound of metal grinding on metal. The van is moving against its own will.
“What the fuck is going on?!”
Jerry is throwing it in reverse and trying to back up but the damage is already done.
We are in line waiting to cross into the great state of California. I see a sign for “Fruit Inspection”. I look around the back and there’s grapefruits and oranges and peelings and all kinds of citrus just rolling around. We’re fucked. If not for the coke and hash, then for all the fruit contraband.
I try to gather up all the citrus, but when it gets to be our turn to cross, the guards at the window tell us simply to pull through to deal with our accident.
What luck. A wagonload of drugs and illegal fruit and we get a pass because some Rent An RV guy decided to rearrange my van’s front end. Sweet.
We pull through and pile out of the van. I inspect the damage. It’s mostly cosmetic. The plastic bumper is gone, both headlights are smashed and dangling by wires. The blinkers are fucked. I will be using my arm signals for the rest of my van’s life.
I walk up to the RV and pound on the door. An older, Eastern European man, noticeably drunk and shoeless steps out. I ask does he have insurance (I miraculously do). He says yes yes yes, sure sure sure. Why don’t you come into my RV?
No, I tell him. Good out here.
He disappears inside and comes back a few minutes later with a stack of papers, none of which are insurance. After a few minutes of going nowhere, I decide to call it even. I don’t want to attract any attention to us with the cops and would rather just get down the road, blow and all.
The four of us get into our collective vehicles, the Chechen's relatively untouched; ours, a sex crime victim, and we set sail for the promised land - Californ-I-A!
I'm trying to assemble a selection of stories. Heart on Sleeve. Don't be too rough. With love, and honesty

My wife and I just returned from our honeymoon to Japan and Korea. We booked all travel accommodations using points to book a luxury vacation to Japan and Korea! Overall, we used a total of 875,000 points. I would have loved to make it a "million point vacation", but I couldn't find a way to spend our AA or MR points to add extra value :). Since this is the AwardTravel subreddit, most of this trip report will focus on the travel accommodations booked with points, but I'll still include a short description of other activities we enjoyed since I know there's a lot of other travelers looking for an opportunity to visit Japan and Korea.

The Flight - Korean Air First Class

Our travel began with a first-class flight on Korean Air leaving from IAD. Normally, KAL first-class passengers would be allowed access to the AirFrance/KLM lounge. Unfortunately, this lounge is currently closed for renovation so we were instead directed to the Virgin Atlantic lounge (although it looks like AirFrance and KLM passengers get to use the Etihad lounge). This lounge was nothing exciting. We were there for breakfast, and although they did have some hot options, the food was pretty bad. I tried a small bite of everything, but the only food there that I enjoyed was an apple. On the bright side, they did have cold beer, wine, and a small selection of hard liquor as well as a nice view of the tarmac and plenty of comfortable seating.
This was our first time travelling anything other than coach/economy, so both of us were very excited to see if first class was everything it's chocked up to be. Compared to every other flight I've had, this flight was unbelievably enjoyable. I was worried that 14 hours of flight time would be uncomfortable regardless of which class we were flying, but by the end of the flight I was disappointed we had to deplane. Korean Air uses the Boeing 777-300ER for the IAD-ICN flight, which features the new-ish Kosmo Suites 2.0. These first-class suites are huge. They have plenty of storage compartments, a USB charging port in the in-flight entertainment console, and an international-compatible AC outlet on the floor. As most reviews of Korean Air flights say, the in-flight entertainment is pretty lacking. Luckily I had the first 7 seasons of Game of Thrones downloaded to my laptop which I happily watched with the noise-cancelling Bose headphones they provide. I think what I was most surprised with was how many flight attendants they seemed to have devoted completely to first-class guests. It seemed like they had 1 flight attendant for every two passengers, but maybe some of them sneaked away to serve business/coach when I wasn't looking. Regardless, I was very impressed with how briskly I was tended to each time I pressed the call button.
The food service was great considering we were eating 40,000 ft in the sky. As soon as we left the ground, our flight attendant showed us the drink menu and took both meal orders ("dinner" as the first meal, and "lunch" as the second). Nether my wife nor I drink, but my uncultured palette thought the champagne tasted great. The meal service started with an amuse bouche of cream-cheese stuffed tomato and mushroom, followed by a serving of caviar with traditional accompaniments. For my first meal I chose Korean Air's famous Bibimbap served with soup, banchan, and a side of bulgogi. For how simple this meal looks, it was excellent - especially the bulgogi. For dessert, they served very good fresh fruit, cheese, and crackers followed by an unremarkable chocolate pound cake. After watching a few more episodes of Game of Thrones, my flight attendant asked if I would like my bed made. She grabbed a mattress topper and a nice comfy blanket, fully reclined my seat, and made my bed into what felt like a normal twin-size bed. I changed into the pajamas they provided and slept very well for a few hours. As a midnight snack I decided to try a bowl of spicy ramen, which lived up to its namsake of "spicy" by being a little too hot for my enjoyment. Luckily they also had cookies and milk on the menu, which I was very delighted to hear from the flight attendant when she said "I'm sorry, it will take about 8 minutes for me to bake them fresh for you". No worries - I have never been disappointed to wait for freshly baked cookies, and they certainly did not disappoint this time. After sleeping for a few more hours, my wife woke me up to let me know I only had a couple more hours until we landed. For lunch, they offered a nice "build your own salad" station with a blend of greens, veggies, and anchovy. It was nice to have something crisp and refreshing since I was feeling groggy after waking up. For my second meal I chose the Chilean Sea Bass with veggies. I really enjoyed it, but my wife wasn't too impressed. For dessert they served fruit and cheese again.
Upon landing, we weren't able to enjoy any of the lounges at the ICN airport since we only had 45 minutes to catch our connecting flight. After spending about 10 minutes looking for a lounge with a shower, we decided that we didn't have time and proceeded to our gate. The ~2.5 hour flight from ICN to NRT was on an Airbus A300-330. The first-class seating on this flight actually looked identical to the business class. The seats were still lie-flat, but it was about two-thirds the size. Again, I got the Bibimbap for my meal, even though it didn't come with the side of bulgogi this time. The flight was over before I knew it, and again the customer service we received was excellent.

Tokyo - Ritz Carlton

After getting our bags and going through customs and immigration, I had to figure out how to get to our first destination: The Ritz Carlton Tokyo. There's normally a "limousine bus" that leaves from the Narita airport that stops at our hotel, but because we weren't ready to depart from the airport until about 9:30pm there were no more buses for the day that stopped at The Ritz. There's also a train that goes directly to Tokyo Station, the "Narita Express (NEX)", but we also missed the last train for that. A quick Google search showed that it would cost about $300 to take a cab from the airport, we instead took a bus from the airport to a hotel about 2 miles from our hotel and took a cab from there. This was especially daunting considering my cellular data only worked for about 10 seconds every 10 minutes, it was getting late, and there was an obvious language barrier that made me wonder if we were headed in the right direction. But luckily, we made it to our hotel without too much effort. As expected, the customer service at The Ritz was great. Our bags were immediately taken for us when we stepped out of the cab and we were escorted to the main lobby on the 45th floor. When we stepped out of the elevator we were met by the live music of smooth jazz saxophone and a vocalist that made me think "god damn this is a swanky hotel". It got even better when we got to our room and were met with this view. They must clean the windows every day, because when you walk into the room you can't even tell there's a pane of glass there. It almost looks like an optical illusion. Having this great view was one of the highlights of the trip, and one of the biggest reasons to choose the Ritz Carlton when staying in Tokyo.
Again, I cannot believe how excellent the service was at this hotel. The concierge was great (for the most part - more on that later), turn-down service twice daily, spotlessly clean room and bathroom, etc. What really made them surpass my expectations were the little things. On Day 1 we used up all the complementary espresso pods, so during turn-down service the housekeeper left an extra box of espresso with a note (picture taken after we used some). Similarly, after a day when we used both complimentary bottles of water, after turn-down service we found two extra bottles of water with another endearing note. And one day when we mentioned to the concierge that we were celebrating my birthday and our honeymoon, we found this nice gift of chocolates in our room when we returned for the night (the heart and sphere were filled with chocolate covered almonds). Somehow I forgot to take pictures of our room. It was standard size as far as hotel rooms go, but the bathroom was exceptionally large. There was a bathtub, shower, two sinks, and a separate small room with the toilet. Speaking of the toilet, it seems like many toilets in Japan have built-in bidet systems with warm water and heated seats. This one was especially nice and had a "power deodorizer" that seemed to vacuum up the fumes directly from the bowl. Wouldn't be a deal-breaker if they didn't have it, but we enjoyed having a high-tech toilet for the first time in our lives :).
Like I said, the concierges were great with most of their recommendations. All of them were fluent in English and we enjoyed every activity/restaurant that was recommended, with one exception. For my birthday dinner we wanted to try some Japanese fine dining. We told the concierge our price limit of ~250/pp, and were recommended to try a traditional Japanese kaiseki at the Ritz Carlton's restaurant Hinokizaka. As expected, the view from our seats was excellent, and we were very happy to have some origami to take home with us as souvenirs. Unfortunately, those were the only things that we were impressed with. We've had the pleasure of dining at a handful of fine-dining restaurants and have never regretted splurging a few hundred dollars on a meal - until now. We were presented with two menu choices - one for $180 and the other $240. Without really looking too closely at the difference between the two menus we decided to get one of each. I still don't understand why the $240 menu was more expensive. Most dishes were nearly identical, but the $240 menu had one less course and there were no "ultra-luxury" items that would normally expect an upcharge like truffles, caviar, foie gras, etc. Without diving into detail on why each dish was disappointing, I'll just say that most dishes seemed poorly balanced - either too salty or too bitter. There was an herbal lemon jelly that several of the dishes used that completely overpowered the dish with a sour, bitter flavor that was, bluntly, disgusting. Maybe it's just that I don't like Japanese fine dining, because the restaurant seems to be well-reviewed elsewhere, but I will certainly not be going back for a ~$500 dinner. At least the presentation of the food was pretty.

Tokyo - Sightseeing Highlights

Tokyo was our favorite destination. Everything was surprisingly easy to navigate once we figured out that there are actually several distinct rail companies that share some of the same stations. At each of the rail stations we used, there was always staff that spoke English well enough to help us, and we were always made to feel welcome to the country. Every time we asked for help we were politely greeted and treated respectfully. Overall, it seems like Japan strongly encourages foreigners by having multi-language maps, easy to decipher pictures, and multi-lingual customer service to answer questions. The one really annoying thing that surprised me was the lack of trash cans. There were several times where we wanted to throw something away but instead just tossed it in our backpack because we walked for blocks without seeing a garbage can. The same thing goes for buying snacks in marketplaces - eat it and give your trash to the vendor you bought it from, otherwise be prepared to carry the trash with you all day. Somehow, the city seems pretty clean regardless.
While we were in Tokyo, we saw beautiful gardens and temples, and ate amazing food. Most of our time here was spent browsing for souvenirs around the various shopping districts (such as the famous Shibuya crossing area), falling in love with dogs at "puppy cafes", and playing wacky Japanese arcade games. We also spent half a day at DisneySea because my Wife is a Disney fanatic and she originally wanted to do DisneyWorld for our honeymoon.

Kyoto - Hyatt Regency

Compared to the Ritz Carlton, there's not really much to say about this hotel. Compared to most hotels, this was a very nice hotel. Compared to the Ritz Carlton, it was exceptionally normal. The service was pleasant and the concierge was able to recommend how to make the most of our time in Kyoto. From our second story window, we had absolutely no view - we could only see the wall of the building next door. Instead of a 65" top-of-the-line Sony Bravia, we instead had to watch Game of Thrones on a plebeian 42" display. We did not get gourmet chocolates left for us in our room, nor were any thoughtful handwritten notes left by the housekeeper. I know it's not fair to compare this Hyatt to the Ritz Carlton, so to be fair, this hotel was very nice. It was clean, comfortable, and conveniently located. Although I wouldn't recommend it at its cash price of ~$564/nt, I was happy to pay 20k Hyatt points to stay there.

Kyoto/Osaka - Sightseeing Highlights

We purchased the 7-day JR RailPass since I knew we'd use it for a round-trip to Tokyo-Kyoto-Osaka and a trip from Tokyo Station to Narita Airport. At ~$260 each, it more than paid for itself. You need to purchase the JR RailPass voucher while you're still in the United States, then bring the voucher with you to Japan. Exchanging the voucher at Tokyo Station was straightforward, and we were able to reserve a seat on the Shinkansen "Hikari" to Kyoto. After just under 3 hours, we arrived at Kyoto Station and took a complimentary taxi to our hotel.
Again, we saw some beautiful temples and ate lots of food. We took a day trip to Osaka using our JR RailPass. We decided not to get reserved seats and just hopped on the next available train, but unfortunately had to stand for the entire 45 minute journey. Osaka was an awesome city and probably deserved more than just a day trip. My wife loved the shopping areas there, and we also took a trip to Osaka Temple at night. While we were there they had an event going on called "Sakuya Lumina" where you stroll along the path to the temple and follow along with a short story of a girl from the future who's trying to get home. Along the way there are beautiful light shows and short movies, and a great photo spot where one of the employees offers to take photos with your phone. At the top, you get a great view of Osaka Temple close-up, where we also found some adorable and friendly stray cats.
Back in Kyoto, we had our most enjoyable day of the vacation. We took the subway to Arashiyama - most well known for its beautiful bamboo forest, temples, and most of all - the Iwatayama monkey park. It's a small hike and about $10 to get to the monkey park, but it's well worth it. When you reach the summit, there are dozens of Macaque monkeys just running around. There are a lot of employees around to stop tourists from touching the monkeys, but you can get pretty much as close as you want. The monkeys here are completely desensitized to humans are will walk right past you, even with their babies. There is a small hut with a fence for a wall where you can feed the monkeys potatoes and peanuts for $1/bag. We happened to be there during "feeding time" where one of the employees walks around and throws chestnuts and seeds on the ground which the monkeys go crazy for. I don't think there's anywhere else in the world where you can experience this, and it's a must-do during a visit to Kyoto.
While we were in Kyoto, we decided we had to try "real" Kobe Wagyu beef. I've had A5 wagyu once before at Cut in Beverly Hills, but I was excited to compare it to what Japan has to offer. And since my steak-loving wife has never tried it, I was especially excited to see her reaction to biting into the best steak shes ever had. The restaurant we chose, Premium Pound Gion, absolutely killed it. Each course was excellent, the ambiance was great (the whole restaurant is just a "chef's table" style seating), and steak was just as good as I remembered. If you've never had Kobe beef (note: the term "Kobe beef" has no significance in the USA, but "A5 wagyu" does; if you want to experience this type of steak in the USA, look for that designator) and aren't a vegetarian, you need to try it. It's worth it. Here are some pictures of the dinner.

Flight - Tokyo to Seoul

After taking the Shinkansen back to Tokyo and going back to the Ritz Carlton to pick some luggage we left there while we were in Kyoto, we spent the remainder of the day at DisneySea Tokyo then headed to our hotel airport to prepare for a 10:30am flight. The Hilton hotel we stayed at did have a very good breakfast buffet that included both Japanese and Western cuisine. For us it was complimentary thanks to the automatic HHonors Gold status provided by the Amex Hilton Ascend. The Korean Air lounge at NRT was pretty unremarkable - similar to the Virgin Atlantic lounge we used at IAD. They did have an area sectioned off for first-class only, which was pretty unnecessary since there was plenty of seating elsewhere. However, it was nice to be able to walk past the "first-class only" sign to let all the other lounge members know just how baller we are.
Just like the ICN-NRT flight, we were served a nice lunch followed be cheese and fruit. The same aircraft, A330-300, was used as well.

Seoul - Hilton Millennium

Unfortunately, with the exception of the Marriott Courtyard we stayed at in Dulles, this was the most disappointing stay of the trip. There wasn't anything awful about it, but this hotel just didn't have the same level of service as the others. When we arrived to the hotel, the doorman unloaded our bags for us but did not take them to our room. The concierge spoke English, but not very well. There was a doorman who assisted with taxis, but several times there were communication problems due to translation. Overall, the hotel staff seemed a little indifferent. In comparison to all the hotels I've ever stayed at, this probably still ranks in the top 50%, but is in a completely different category than the other hotels we stayed at for this trip. On the plus side, they give out free $10 vouchers per person per day to the casino attached to the hotel, which we were always sure to cash out before we left for the day. We also got free breakfast and "cocktail hour" snacks which were always mediocre. We had breakfast most days because it was provided for free, but I would not suggest paying for it if you're not an HHonors Gold member.

Seoul - Sightseeing Highlights

While we were in Seoul, we took a cab pretty much everywhere that wasn't within walking distance. The prices were cabs in Seoul are cheaper than any other city I've taken cabs (DC, NYC, Tokyo, Kyoto), and are barely more expensive than taking the metro. Most fares were less than $10, the most expensive being a ~22 minute cab to Gangnam costing about $13.
Again, we love to try exotic food, so we made sure to experience as much of the local cuisine and street food that we could try. The highlights were the freshly fried sweet "Korean pancake" filled with honey and walnuts and the muskmelon bingsu with ice cream that was surprisingly delicious considering how pretty it looked. We also had Korean BBQ from a restaurant called "The Marbling" that we went to twice because we enjoyed it so much. We really enjoyed walking through the markets and buying junky souvenirs. We also took a guided tour that I would not recommend since it ended with a trip to a "ginseng museum" where they locked us in a sales room for 30 minutes where we were relentlessly pitched to by salespeople to get us to buy hundreds of dollars worth of "cancer-preventing, life-lengthening, energizing ginseng".

Flight - Seoul to Dulles

The check-in for KAL first class flyers is pretty unique at ICN. There's a "first class check-in lounge" prior to security where you're served beverages while your bags are checked. I thought this was a nice touch compared to the normal check-in experience, even though we only stayed for a few minutes before going through security. From what I understand, there's several different Korean Air lounges at ICN. There's the "normal" KAL lounge that anyone can access, the miler lounge that can only be accessed by million milers, and then there's the first-class only lounge. We spent all of our time in the first class lounge, which was the nicest lounge of the trip. We had an early flight home so they were serving breakfast - an assortment of Korean and Western options as well as ice cream, beer, wine, and a small assortment of hard liquor. They also had table service where you could order eggs or a couple other traditional Korean breakfast options. They also had a massage chair, but I couldn't figure out how to work it because all of the controls were in Korean.
The flight was the same as the original IAD-ICN leg with some slightly different but equally delicious food options. After 14 hours of eating, sleeping, watching Game of Thrones, eating, and sleeping, we were back to real life in Dulles where we had a 3 hour drive home.

Award Redemption and Cost Analysis

Night #	Hotel	Avg Pts/nt	Avg cash rate	cpp
1	Marriott Courtyard (Dulles)	16,000	$270	1.69
2	In-flight	N/A	N/A	N/A
3	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
4	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
5	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
6	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
7	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
8	Hyatt Regency (Kyoto)	25,000	$564	2.26
9	Hyatt Regency (Kyoto)	25,000	$564	2.26
10	Hyatt Regency (Kyoto)	25,000	$564	2.26
11	Hilton (Narita)	20,000	$130	.65
12	Hilton Millennium (Seoul)	55,000	$221	.40
13	Hilton Millennium (Seoul)	55,000	$221	.40
14	Hilton Millennium (Seoul)	55,000	$221	.40
15	Hilton Millennium (Seoul)	55,000	$221	.40
		Total:	$8751

First class on Korean Air: 320,000 + $800 in taxes/fees (total for two passengers). Cash "value" is $39,541 (~12cpp).
Total points used:

Brand	Points
Marriott	240,000
Hilton	240,000
Hyatt (UR transfer)	75,000
Skypass (UR transfer)	320,000

Annual fees paid to accumulate these points:

Card	Annual fee
Chase Sapphire Reserve	$450
Chase Sapphire Reserve	$450
Chase Sapphire Preferred	$95
Chase Sapphire Preferred	$95
Hilton Ascend	$95
Hilton Ascend	$95
Chase Marriott	$95
Chase Marriott	$95
Total:	$1470

Approximate spending during travel (note: these are rough approximations that I made by taking our total amount spent, $3336.39, and estimating the proportion spent toward each category other than food, then assuming that the rest was on food):

Category	Amount
Food	$2386.39
Transportation (taxi, subway, bus)	$250
Transportation (JRPass)	$560
Activities	$400
Souvenirs	$300
Total:	$3896.39

 
Cash spend (travel accommodations, including fees paid to accrue points): $2,270
Cash spend (expenses during travel): ~$3,900

Total cost of vacation: $6170

Conclusion

The many hours of accumulating points, learning from /churning and /awardtravel, and planning our itinerary were well worth it. I can't wait to build up our points bank in preparation for our next big redemption. Even though I'm glad we flew first class once, I don't think we'll splurge on it again. Business class seems adequate, even though the seats are a fair bit smaller. At least first class seats had plenty of availability so planning around our schedules and only flying non-peak season was not an issue. The Ritz Carlton Tokyo was amazing and well worth the points, but unfortunately due to Marriott award redemption change this hotel will now cost 85k points instead of 60k. It may still be worth it if you have the points to get the 5th night free. The Hyatt Regency was nice, but definitely not worth the cash rate. The Hilton Millennium was probably not worth the amount of points we blew on it, but Hilton points are pretty worthless anyway. The Conrad in Seoul may have been a better option - it's hard to say, they have similar reviews. If you go to Japan, go to Arashiyama and the Iwatayama Monkey Park! Also, early May turned out to be a great time of the year to travel to Japan/Korea. Every day was in the low 70s and mostly sunny - perfect weather!

This entire guide (with updates) is available here:
https://musicfestivalguy.com/
Questions, Comments & Feedback are welcome!
EDIT: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST BRING A BANDANNA Totally forgot to mention this, bandannas and/or painters masks are REQUIRED if you don't want to cough up black crap for a week. At the very least, put it over your face while you walk out, all the dust kicked up by the herd of people leaving wrecks havoc on your respiratory system. I used one, coughed a little on Monday, back to normal by Tuesday.
EDIT 2: As tayyylooor pointed out, the Northern/Stage Right side of GA is MUCH less dense with people. Everyone stays on the Southern/Stage Left side because it's closer to the exits. Apparently bathrooms are less crowded there too. Take a look at the arial photo posted today: http://imgur.com/a/gs7bV PROOF: You can visibly see the far side of GA (right side looking at the photo, left side if you're facing the stage) is less crowded.
I wanted to go into more detail on my experience, provide some tips and tricks, as well as compile some of the information I’ve read on this subreddit. I’ll add/amend anything I’ve said with your comments, if any of you have additional insight.
I am a 10-year Coachella festival veteran. If you’ve been to Coachella multiple years, you probably don’t need to read all of this - the security is really similar only far more relaxed because of the older crowd. The layout/footprint of the entrance, terrace, and craft beer barn area is the exact same. The map they posted is somewhat accurate for the rest of the footprint.
Here’s a festival map, updated with some unlisted info and tips: http://i.imgur.com/RPQ94uV.png
For those interested, Here’s an album of photos http://imgur.com/a/WmURO
Here’s some GIFs http://imgur.com/a/Taq12
INBOUND SHUTTLES – Always hit or miss depending on the location’s popularity. I would recommend the Park and Ride locations, especially if they’re within a reasonable distance. We used the #10, Agua Caliente Casino line. There were so many busses lined up, we parked at 2, 4:45, and 3:30pm (Fri/Sat/Sun respectively) and arrived at the festival with plenty of time to grab food/beer and a spot before the music started (45min average shuttle travel time, Agua Caliente was only 5min from where we stayed).
SHUTTLES HOME - Each day, we walked quickly towards the shuttles after the 1st or 2nd post-encore song (pro tip – check set lists online for W1, it’ll likely be the same sets). We literally walked onto shuttles and left immediately. There was lots of traffic getting out on Friday (maybe 1hr total travel time back to agua caliente) but as the weekend progressed, the transportation in and out was much more smooth. I’d like to assume they’ll be more on point Weekend 2, but who knows if it’s all the same staff or not.
SECURITY – By all accounts security was super relaxed Friday & Saturday. Metal Detectors and bag inspections, no pat downs. If you stick to the lines moving fast, keep any non-metal goods/party favors in your pocket or shoe, you’re fine. We ran into a little trouble on Sunday, more of the guards on the outskirt lanes were thoroughly searching bags & confiscating any paraphernalia (I didn't see any arrests/ticketing, just confiscation). Just be smart, you can always switch security lanes before getting up there if they’re checking bags. But never give them a reason to check further. I brought in a flask of Jamison, a small camera with extra zoom lens, and plenty of goodies each day. I put my stuff in a Ziplock baggie and safety pin it to the inside of my shorts/zipper area. But I’m also paranoid and it was completely unnecessary because of no pat-downs. Anything else I didn’t want them to see, I put at the bottom of my camelpak, and piled stuff on top. Open all the zippers and hang the empty camelpak bladder out of the pocket.
Pro tip – if they give you problems with something you're trying to bring in, just agree with them and say you’ll take it back to your campsite. Then just try going through a different line, out of sight from where you first tried.
I never got more than a quick glance, even on Sunday. They’re probably trying to make a quota, and step up their game by the last day. Weekend 2 could be more intense, depending on how much money the local PD is hoping to squeeze out of ticketing people. But overall, security was more interested in confiscating stuff, rather than kicking anyone out. I saw plenty of dead heads and hippies tripping on much harder stuff with nobody harassing them…it seems like in GA, anything goes. Read my “grandstands” section for more on the G2 reserved area I had access to.
CAMERAS – I saw several people with GA passes and DSLR’s with zoom lenses. I was able to get some excellent shots from my grandstands seat, using the empty seats next to me for stability. Put your equipment in the bottom of a bag and cover it with a shirt or something. I used the water bladder pocket of my Camelpak, hung the empty bladder out of the pocket, they never looked past it. There will be security lines with extreme guards that look through everything. Look for lines moving fast with people that have bags, have all your pockets open and you’ll likely pass right through with a quick “just-for-show” search. There are metal detectors, but they weren’t doing pat-downs, so as long as your goodies aren’t hidden in something metal, just keep it in your pants.
WRISTBANDS/SCALPING/SNEAKING – I unfortunately had an extra grandstands ($1000) pass I was unable to sell, due to the ticket fiasco. My girlfriend couldn’t go due to a family medical situation, and the friends I shared an AirBnB with had GA passes. So instead of selling my extra pass to a scalper for ~$200 (one person in my reserved row paid $149, 2 days before the event for the same ticket I paid $1000 for during regular sale) I used it as a place to rest my backpack.
Pro tip - if you’re in a similar situation – don’t tighten the wristband too much. You could easily trade passes with friends. There's no ID checks, and they never scan the barcodes on the lanyards. Lots of methods for those brazen enough to try and sneak into reserved sections.
GRANDSTANDS - Grandstand seating is different, and pretty lame if you’re trying to smoke. Honestly if you’re doing any drugs, I’d recommend doing them privately in the plentiful trailer bathrooms, or just about anywhere in GA that’s not in direct view of posted security. Some will be lax but do not bet on it, there was one young security guard in the middle of the GA standing area that did nothing about all the joints being smoked around him. I see other guards patrolling and confiscating things in busy, better lit areas. Just be vigilant and look around you before lighting up. By Sunday, security was WAY tighter and there seemed to be more security everywhere. The Reserved Standing area is literally swimming with security, not your typical blue shirt guys, but tons of white shirt guys trying to catch anyone sneaking into the reserved floor seating areas.
DROOGS – Like I said in the Security section, keep them in something non-metal. Pro tip - use a Ziplock baggie safety pinned to the inside of your pants zipper. I've never had my crotch grabbed by security, even when they're doing through pat downs.
IMPORTANT BE VERY CAREFUL SMOKING IN THE RESERVED SEATING AREA. Some guys in the row in front of mine had gotten caught smoking and had their stuff confiscated. They assigned extra guards to our section, patrolling constantly. They even placed orange-shirt guys (not security, but they'll narc to security if they see anything) all along our aisle. I did the rest of my smoking in the GA section no problem. There’s PLENTY of open space, even towards the end of the night. Just don’t smoke where there’s lots of foot traffic, as eventually a group of security will pass by and see you. I smoked on the sides, middle, and back of the GA sections without a problem. I stuck to finding a spot along the dividing fences (which were great to use for stability filming & taking photos) and had no problems. In general, GA is where the party’s at.
FERRIS WHEEL - $8 per person, there’s a separate line for tickets and a separate line to get on. I was in a group of 3, which for some reason puts you in a quick line. I guess groups of 2 have their own line that’s usually long.
I advise that you either go on immediately first day (we did Friday at 3pm, there was no line at all) or during a set. We also went a 2nd time at night, during the Who. Long line for parties of 2, no line for our party of 3. For pretty much all things at the festival, there’s always shorter lines when someone is performing. Food/booze/merch, if there’s a song or two you don’t like (pro tip - look up their set lists from W1) that’s plenty of time. Leave during the songs you don’t like, have someone you know post up if you’ve got a good spot. The way the sections are separated, it’s really easier to find your way back to someone.
MERCH – Same rules as Coachella. Seems like more stuff sold out by Saturday than usual, maybe the older crowd buys more merch. Go early if you need something in a popular size. Or just wait for the music to start and the line dies down significantly. I went during the middle of Neil Young, there was ZERO line for merch. The G2 reserved seating merch booth had a limited selection, which was lame. I’m hearing the same for all of the reserved sections, only the main merch booth has everything.
Pics of the whole Merch wall here: http://imgur.com/a/myPw0
I’m sure some of the artists also have the merch available on their own websites. If you don’t want to bother with it at all, here’s Roger Water’s website for example: http://store.roger-waters.com
CAMPGROUNDS – Can’t say too much, I’ve camped all 10 years of attending Coachella. Stayed in an AirBnB for the first time this year and don’t think I can go back to camping. The experience was so much better being rested and clean. From what I saw, they’ve set up the camping center very much the same. Silent Disco dome area, general store, all the same. From the view of the ferris wheel, it looked like Lot 8 is RV’s, car camping is Lot 10 (correct me if I’m wrong). Overall it seemed like camping wasn’t sold out and I’ve heard the showers had very short lines. So compared to Coachella, camping at Desert Trip sounds way better.
VIP PARKING – I used shuttles, but heard VIP parking was clutch. You’ve got a separate exit, which probably makes leaving the festival much more smooth. Shuttles have their own path too, we only had traffic leaving on Friday, but for being 30min away, a 1hr journey back to the agua caliente stop wasn’t bad. Took ~45min on Sat/Sun.
DAY PARKING – From what I’ve heard, just as bad as Coachella. Sure, if you go in real early, getting in won’t be a problem. But leaving is always going to suck. I’d recommend VIP or shuttles, especially if you can grab a cheap shuttle pass on the current aftermarkets. USE THE PARK N RIDE LOCATIONS. So many more busses and quick to get on and leave, compared to what I’ve heard of some smaller stops.
BATHROOMS – SO MUCH BETTER THAN COACHELLA. Seriously, there were bathrooms seemingly everywhere, lots that aren’t listed accurately on the map, and far more air-conditioned trailer bathrooms than port-o-potties. I’ve heard the VIP experience also has good bathrooms, as expected. But I never had to use a port-o-potty even once (there were large sections of them that were largely unused). I’m sure this got worse just before and between sets, but it really felt like they wanted bathrooms to be a non-issue, given the older crowd. The reserved seating areas have their own bathrooms that (in G2) were a bit of a walk to the far corner. However, if you’re willing to walk, even on Sunday I found completely unused, brand-new, freezing cold trailer bathrooms in the back.
STAGE VIEWS – Let’s face it, the GA area for most people is too far back to really see any detail of the actual performers. They did a great job with making the best use of the gigantic screens. Bob Dylan refuses to let them film him on stage, so there’s just vintage footage on screen. But the rest all had unique stage setups and occasionally the massive screen behind them was used as a single, blown-up live shot of the performer. So there are moments where the whole view from the back of GA is truly a spectacle. Roger Waters in particular had by far the best use of the screens and stage. If you’ve seen him before, you’re still in for a treat. Brand-new visuals and really trippy use of surround sound throughout. Unless you’re in the very front of GA standing (which is packed tight) you won’t have a good view of the stage.
Pro tip - Bring binoculars if that’s a major concern, I saw several people with them. Even from my grandstands seat and with a zoom lens, the performers were barely visible in detail. Granted I was in the very back of the grandstands, but still, there is a ton of space in the standing GA area that you can #1 lean on a clean fence for support #2 see the main side screens really well and #3 see most of the huge screen behind the stage. Overall for the amount of people there I’d say they did a great job of making everything accessible and as visible as possible. There are screens in the back of the main bar and by the craft beer barn, so plenty of opportunities to still see everything while you’re grabbing food/drink.
SOUND/ISSUES – This wasn’t a problem by Sunday, but speed of sound and light need to be taken in consideration when it’s such a massive festival. The sync of the video and sound of the music was off somewhat during Friday/Saturday sets. I think they needed to delay the main side screens just enough so that the sound from the front could catch up. This was even worse when I stopped by the craft beer barn, you could hear an echo the delay was so bad. But that screen is the farthest from the live show, so it’s to be expected.
ADDITIONAL TIPS/TRICKS – One thing I haven’t heard many talk about is the WHITE FENCE SEPARATORS! The GA Seated & Standing areas are separated & walled off with ~4ft high white fences. There are additional “traffic lanes” that are also walled off within those different areas. These fences were GREAT to lean against to rest or stand against and watch the show. Even in the middle of the most crowded sets, there were open spots along all of the fences. Just be courteous to the people that have been there likely all day, make sure you’re not blocking anyone’s view by standing there. They were also excellent in being able to find each other after separating. Instead of a big open area trying to communicate which speaker number you’re near, you can meet at a fence corner or somewhere specific and it’s a breeze to get back. This was the biggest thing people were unprepared for, and was also the most helpful – portioned sections. The fence was also big enough to rest a drink on, so being hands-free to dance was great too.

This entire guide (with updates) is available here:
https://musicfestivalguy.com/
Questions, Comments & Feedback are welcome!
EDIT: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST BRING A BANDANNA Totally forgot to mention this, bandannas and/or painters masks are REQUIRED if you don't want to cough up black crap for a week. At the very least, put it over your face while you walk out, all the dust kicked up by the herd of people leaving wrecks havoc on your respiratory system. I used one, coughed a little on Monday, back to normal by Tuesday.
EDIT 2: As tayyylooor pointed out, the Northern/Stage Right side of GA is MUCH less dense with people. Everyone stays on the Southern/Stage Left side because it's closer to the exits. Apparently bathrooms are less crowded there too. Take a look at the arial photo posted today: http://imgur.com/a/gs7bV PROOF: You can visibly see the far side of GA (right side looking at the photo, left side if you're facing the stage) is less crowded.
I wanted to go into more detail on my experience, provide some tips and tricks, as well as compile some of the information I’ve read on this subreddit. I’ll add/amend anything I’ve said with your comments, if any of you have additional insight.
I am a 10-year Coachella festival veteran. If you’ve been to Coachella multiple years, you probably don’t need to read all of this - the security is really similar only far more relaxed because of the older crowd. The layout/footprint of the entrance, terrace, and craft beer barn area is the exact same. The map they posted is somewhat accurate for the rest of the footprint.
Here’s a festival map, updated with some unlisted info and tips: http://i.imgur.com/RPQ94uV.png
For those interested, Here’s an album of photos http://imgur.com/a/WmURO
Here’s some GIFs http://imgur.com/a/Taq12
INBOUND SHUTTLES – Always hit or miss depending on the location’s popularity. I would recommend the Park and Ride locations, especially if they’re within a reasonable distance. We used the #10, Agua Caliente Casino line. There were so many busses lined up, we parked at 2, 4:45, and 3:30pm (Fri/Sat/Sun respectively) and arrived at the festival with plenty of time to grab food/beer and a spot before the music started (45min average shuttle travel time, Agua Caliente was only 5min from where we stayed).
SHUTTLES HOME - Each day, we walked quickly towards the shuttles after the 1st or 2nd post-encore song (pro tip – check set lists online for W1, it’ll likely be the same sets). We literally walked onto shuttles and left immediately. There was lots of traffic getting out on Friday (maybe 1hr total travel time back to agua caliente) but as the weekend progressed, the transportation in and out was much more smooth. I’d like to assume they’ll be more on point Weekend 2, but who knows if it’s all the same staff or not.
SECURITY – By all accounts security was super relaxed Friday & Saturday. Metal Detectors and bag inspections, no pat downs. If you stick to the lines moving fast, keep any non-metal goods/party favors in your pocket or shoe, you’re fine. We ran into a little trouble on Sunday, more of the guards on the outskirt lanes were thoroughly searching bags & confiscating any paraphernalia (I didn't see any arrests/ticketing, just confiscation). Just be smart, you can always switch security lanes before getting up there if they’re checking bags. But never give them a reason to check further. I brought in a flask of Jamison, a small camera with extra zoom lens, and plenty of goodies each day. I put my stuff in a Ziplock baggie and safety pin it to the inside of my shorts/zipper area. But I’m also paranoid and it was completely unnecessary because of no pat-downs. Anything else I didn’t want them to see, I put at the bottom of my camelpak, and piled stuff on top. Open all the zippers and hang the empty camelpak bladder out of the pocket.
Pro tip – if they give you problems with something you're trying to bring in, just agree with them and say you’ll take it back to your campsite. Then just try going through a different line, out of sight from where you first tried.
I never got more than a quick glance, even on Sunday. They’re probably trying to make a quota, and step up their game by the last day. Weekend 2 could be more intense, depending on how much money the local PD is hoping to squeeze out of ticketing people. But overall, security was more interested in confiscating stuff, rather than kicking anyone out. I saw plenty of dead heads and hippies tripping on much harder stuff with nobody harassing them…it seems like in GA, anything goes. Read my “grandstands” section for more on the G2 reserved area I had access to.
CAMERAS – I saw several people with GA passes and DSLR’s with zoom lenses. I was able to get some excellent shots from my grandstands seat, using the empty seats next to me for stability. Put your equipment in the bottom of a bag and cover it with a shirt or something. I used the water bladder pocket of my Camelpak, hung the empty bladder out of the pocket, they never looked past it. There will be security lines with extreme guards that look through everything. Look for lines moving fast with people that have bags, have all your pockets open and you’ll likely pass right through with a quick “just-for-show” search. There are metal detectors, but they weren’t doing pat-downs, so as long as your goodies aren’t hidden in something metal, just keep it in your pants.
WRISTBANDS/SCALPING/SNEAKING – I unfortunately had an extra grandstands ($1000) pass I was unable to sell, due to the ticket fiasco. My girlfriend couldn’t go due to a family medical situation, and the friends I shared an AirBnB with had GA passes. So instead of selling my extra pass to a scalper for ~$200 (one person in my reserved row paid $149, 2 days before the event for the same ticket I paid $1000 for during regular sale) I used it as a place to rest my backpack.
Pro tip - if you’re in a similar situation – don’t tighten the wristband too much. You could easily trade passes with friends. There's no ID checks, and they never scan the barcodes on the lanyards. Lots of methods for those brazen enough to try and sneak into reserved sections.
GRANDSTANDS - Grandstand seating is different, and pretty lame if you’re trying to smoke. Honestly if you’re doing any drugs, I’d recommend doing them privately in the plentiful trailer bathrooms, or just about anywhere in GA that’s not in direct view of posted security. Some will be lax but do not bet on it, there was one young security guard in the middle of the GA standing area that did nothing about all the joints being smoked around him. I see other guards patrolling and confiscating things in busy, better lit areas. Just be vigilant and look around you before lighting up. By Sunday, security was WAY tighter and there seemed to be more security everywhere. The Reserved Standing area is literally swimming with security, not your typical blue shirt guys, but tons of white shirt guys trying to catch anyone sneaking into the reserved floor seating areas.
DROOGS – Like I said in the Security section, keep them in something non-metal. Pro tip - use a Ziplock baggie safety pinned to the inside of your pants zipper. I've never had my crotch grabbed by security, even when they're doing through pat downs.
IMPORTANT BE VERY CAREFUL SMOKING IN THE RESERVED SEATING AREA. Some guys in the row in front of mine had gotten caught smoking and had their stuff confiscated. They assigned extra guards to our section, patrolling constantly. They even placed orange-shirt guys (not security, but they'll narc to security if they see anything) all along our aisle. I did the rest of my smoking in the GA section no problem. There’s PLENTY of open space, even towards the end of the night. Just don’t smoke where there’s lots of foot traffic, as eventually a group of security will pass by and see you. I smoked on the sides, middle, and back of the GA sections without a problem. I stuck to finding a spot along the dividing fences (which were great to use for stability filming & taking photos) and had no problems. In general, GA is where the party’s at.
FERRIS WHEEL - $8 per person, there’s a separate line for tickets and a separate line to get on. I was in a group of 3, which for some reason puts you in a quick line. I guess groups of 2 have their own line that’s usually long.
I advise that you either go on immediately first day (we did Friday at 3pm, there was no line at all) or during a set. We also went a 2nd time at night, during the Who. Long line for parties of 2, no line for our party of 3. For pretty much all things at the festival, there’s always shorter lines when someone is performing. Food/booze/merch, if there’s a song or two you don’t like (pro tip - look up their set lists from W1) that’s plenty of time. Leave during the songs you don’t like, have someone you know post up if you’ve got a good spot. The way the sections are separated, it’s really easier to find your way back to someone.
MERCH – Same rules as Coachella. Seems like more stuff sold out by Saturday than usual, maybe the older crowd buys more merch. Go early if you need something in a popular size. Or just wait for the music to start and the line dies down significantly. I went during the middle of Neil Young, there was ZERO line for merch. The G2 reserved seating merch booth had a limited selection, which was lame. I’m hearing the same for all of the reserved sections, only the main merch booth has everything.
Pics of the whole Merch wall here: http://imgur.com/a/myPw0
I’m sure some of the artists also have the merch available on their own websites. If you don’t want to bother with it at all, here’s Roger Water’s website for example: http://store.roger-waters.com
CAMPGROUNDS – Can’t say too much, I’ve camped all 10 years of attending Coachella. Stayed in an AirBnB for the first time this year and don’t think I can go back to camping. The experience was so much better being rested and clean. From what I saw, they’ve set up the camping center very much the same. Silent Disco dome area, general store, all the same. From the view of the ferris wheel, it looked like Lot 8 is RV’s, car camping is Lot 10 (correct me if I’m wrong). Overall it seemed like camping wasn’t sold out and I’ve heard the showers had very short lines. So compared to Coachella, camping at Desert Trip sounds way better.
VIP PARKING – I used shuttles, but heard VIP parking was clutch. You’ve got a separate exit, which probably makes leaving the festival much more smooth. Shuttles have their own path too, we only had traffic leaving on Friday, but for being 30min away, a 1hr journey back to the agua caliente stop wasn’t bad. Took ~45min on Sat/Sun.
DAY PARKING – From what I’ve heard, just as bad as Coachella. Sure, if you go in real early, getting in won’t be a problem. But leaving is always going to suck. I’d recommend VIP or shuttles, especially if you can grab a cheap shuttle pass on the current aftermarkets. USE THE PARK N RIDE LOCATIONS. So many more busses and quick to get on and leave, compared to what I’ve heard of some smaller stops.
BATHROOMS – SO MUCH BETTER THAN COACHELLA. Seriously, there were bathrooms seemingly everywhere, lots that aren’t listed accurately on the map, and far more air-conditioned trailer bathrooms than port-o-potties. I’ve heard the VIP experience also has good bathrooms, as expected. But I never had to use a port-o-potty even once (there were large sections of them that were largely unused). I’m sure this got worse just before and between sets, but it really felt like they wanted bathrooms to be a non-issue, given the older crowd. The reserved seating areas have their own bathrooms that (in G2) were a bit of a walk to the far corner. However, if you’re willing to walk, even on Sunday I found completely unused, brand-new, freezing cold trailer bathrooms in the back.
STAGE VIEWS – Let’s face it, the GA area for most people is too far back to really see any detail of the actual performers. They did a great job with making the best use of the gigantic screens. Bob Dylan refuses to let them film him on stage, so there’s just vintage footage on screen. But the rest all had unique stage setups and occasionally the massive screen behind them was used as a single, blown-up live shot of the performer. So there are moments where the whole view from the back of GA is truly a spectacle. Roger Waters in particular had by far the best use of the screens and stage. If you’ve seen him before, you’re still in for a treat. Brand-new visuals and really trippy use of surround sound throughout. Unless you’re in the very front of GA standing (which is packed tight) you won’t have a good view of the stage.
Pro tip - Bring binoculars if that’s a major concern, I saw several people with them. Even from my grandstands seat and with a zoom lens, the performers were barely visible in detail. Granted I was in the very back of the grandstands, but still, there is a ton of space in the standing GA area that you can #1 lean on a clean fence for support #2 see the main side screens really well and #3 see most of the huge screen behind the stage. Overall for the amount of people there I’d say they did a great job of making everything accessible and as visible as possible. There are screens in the back of the main bar and by the craft beer barn, so plenty of opportunities to still see everything while you’re grabbing food/drink.
SOUND/ISSUES – This wasn’t a problem by Sunday, but speed of sound and light need to be taken in consideration when it’s such a massive festival. The sync of the video and sound of the music was off somewhat during Friday/Saturday sets. I think they needed to delay the main side screens just enough so that the sound from the front could catch up. This was even worse when I stopped by the craft beer barn, you could hear an echo the delay was so bad. But that screen is the farthest from the live show, so it’s to be expected.
ADDITIONAL TIPS/TRICKS – One thing I haven’t heard many talk about is the WHITE FENCE SEPARATORS! The GA Seated & Standing areas are separated & walled off with ~4ft high white fences. There are additional “traffic lanes” that are also walled off within those different areas. These fences were GREAT to lean against to rest or stand against and watch the show. Even in the middle of the most crowded sets, there were open spots along all of the fences. Just be courteous to the people that have been there likely all day, make sure you’re not blocking anyone’s view by standing there. They were also excellent in being able to find each other after separating. Instead of a big open area trying to communicate which speaker number you’re near, you can meet at a fence corner or somewhere specific and it’s a breeze to get back. This was the biggest thing people were unprepared for, and was also the most helpful – portioned sections. The fence was also big enough to rest a drink on, so being hands-free to dance was great too.

Spoiler Warning! I am going to describe locations for pickups, drop-offs and other fun stuff...so stop reading if you don't want to know about this.
 
For a most excellent visual guide to the F&F update see: http://imgur.com/a/gU9Ma
http://www.rockstargames.com/newswire/article/52630/further-adventures-in-finance-and-felony-how-to-become-a
https://www.reddit.com/gtaonline/comments/40t6qq/vip_companion_app_by_thrillhows/
 
See /SanshaXII post on efficiency https://www.reddit.com/gtaonline/comments/4nm7m7/ceo_work_updated_model_of_efficiency/
more on efficiency https://www.reddit.com/gtaonline/comments/4nog2j/solo_session_crate_missions_an_analysis/  
See _Caith_Amach post on the raw numbers https://www.reddit.com/gtaonline/comments/4nszzk/crate_profits_v20_updated_to_111_crates/  
 
 
 
I am collecting notes about the new stuff. I want to make a list of all the pickup and drop off locations. With all the different scenarios for each.
(Work in progress so check back as I edit these notes.)
 
CEO must purchase an office. They are all identical on the inside, the only difference is the view and locations. Once a office is own, the CEO can be 24/7 VIP with no time limit or cooldown. All things below that say VIP also apply to CEO.
The offices can be upgraded with Safe and Ammo rack at purchase or after the fact through the interaction menu.
The ammo rack allows you to mark certain weapons as hidden in your weapon wheel. This can be overridden in the interaction menu. Reports also indicate it is buggy when doing heists or missions.
A VIP by contrast to a CEO must have $1Mil in the bank but need not spend it to activate VIP Mode. (Note: You do not pay anything to start VIP mode.)
VIP Mode lasts for 4 hours of freemode time.
When you log out the 4 hours is put on hold.
When you play other game modes like Contact Missions, Captures, Races, etc. the clock is put on hold.
After 4 hours of in game time you get a 12 hour real-time timeout before you can be VIP again. (Note: If you played in the evening. Expecting to be able to start with a fresh 4 hours after playing only 2 of them...nope.)
The cooldowns for jobs are independent of each other. So a job cooling-down from 20 minutes will stay running even if another job is completed in that category. You can use this to optimally determine when to turn in jobs.
VIP Work there is a 5 minute cooldown on jobs that were at 0:00.
VIP Challenges there is a 3 minute cooldown on jobs that were at 0:00.
VIP Work all members get the same payout. Vip Challenges, whoever scores highest gets a larger payout.
On a public server people get messages telling them what the VIP and Bodyguards are launching advising them to either stop the VIP or get the objective first..
If the VIP can either fire or terminate a bodyguard. If the VIP fires them, they must be killed before the VIP can hire another bodyguard. If the VIP marks them for termination the Bodyguard gets a bounty.
If the VIP resigns all remaining bodyguards get a bounty placed on them.
 

VIP/CEO Work

Headhunter - Take out 4 targets that randomly spawn on the map. Two targets are always mobile and two targets are always stationary. Bodyguards have very dangerous accuracy. The armoured vehicles take four explosions before exploding, though the NPCs bail at two. Non-associate players are asked to protect the targets.Payout ~$18-20K Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO Great guide for using the buzzard in Headhunter https://www.reddit.com/gtaonline/comments/4zy1x0/ceo_headhunter_buzzardsavage_guide/
Air Freight - Collect a Cargobob at one location then go to a container being guarded by NPCs, take them out, pick up the container with the Cargobob, fly it to the destination. Other players are alerted about your progress. Payout ~$18-20K Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Non-associate
Haulage - Collect a truck and drive it across the map. Non-associate players are told to stop you. A Karin Technical spawns at the initial pickup point. Payout ~$18-20K. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Non-associate
Hostile Takeover - Retrieve a package from either the Altruist Camp, Fort Zancudo, LSIA, or Merryweather Base and take it to a location. After stealing the package you get a 3 star wanted level. Wanted level goes away on package delivery. Each team member gets $16K+. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO only
Asset Recovery - Retrieve one or more cars from either the Vespucci Police Station, La Mesa Police Station, Mission Row Police Station, Vinewood Hills Police Station, Sandy Shores Police Station, or Paleto Bay Police Station and deliver them to a drop off. Wanted level cannot be lost until close to the destination. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO only
Sightseer - Hack the system to reveal packages. You collect 3 packages in 14 minutes using a hacking app on the phone. Only the VIP can hack and only the VIP can collect them. Every person in the VIP team gets around $23,000. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO only
Executive Deathmatch - Challenge another VIP to a deathmatch. They can accept or decline. Each player on each VIP team gets 10 lives. 20 minutes on the clock. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: 2 VIP/CEO
Executive Search - The VIP is given 2 minutes to reach a location. A orange circle is around the location. Any player on the map can come try to find and kill you. If the VIP survives everyone gets $24K. The VIPs blip is invisible while moving. The Bodyguards blips can be seen. Keep the guards away from the VIP as this indicates the VIPs location. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Non-associate
Piracy Prevention - For players with Yachts. $20K for successful attacker. $30K to vip team for defending. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Non-associate
 

VIP/CEO Challenges

Cashing Out - Compete to steal the most amount of cash by hacking ATMs. Winner gets a bonus payout of $18K. Losers get $5K. Everyone gets to keep the money they stole. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Bodyguard
Salvage - Dive with rebreathers or a sumbmarine to collect ($) checkpoints. Each checkpoint is worth $500 after the first 10. 40-50 checkpoints. Winner gets a $18K bonus, Losers Get $5K. Like Due Diligence The winner of this can easily make $35-$45 in 10 minutes. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Bodyguard
Auto Buyout - Compete to steal and deliver the most high end vehicles. Payments are based on who delivers the most expensive vehicles. Winner gets the largest cut. Winner gets a percentage range from 0.71%-1.45% of total value. The percentage gets lower the higher the total is; it may cap at 0.71%. Loser gets $3k-$4.5K. (I have not figured out how this is calculated.) The most expensive vehicle I have found is the Transit Buses and Dashound Buses which bring in $500K each. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Bodyguard
Due Diligence- Compete to find hidden packages. Each member of the team gets a trackify app on their phone. When you get close to the package you will see smoke. When you get very close fireworks will come out of the package for all to see. Do this in the town of Harmony on a Sanchez for quickest payout. If 1 person collects all the packages within 10 minutes, they get about $38K. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Bodyguard
Most Wanted - Compete to survive a wanted level until time runs out. You cannot be "inside" or else your timer resets after 14 seconds inside you lose the challenge. (This includes being in the tunnels.) You cannot be in a air vehicle or your timer resets. For surviving the full 10 minutes you receive $21K. The wanted level goes away after the challenge. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Bodyguard
Point To Point - Compete against team members in a race. $10K+ to the winner $500+ to the losers. The destination must be set outside of a red circle. Very short races. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Bodyguard
Courier Service - Compete against team members to grab protection money and deliver to a location. If in an air vehicle the money evaporates. All damage to courier and the couriers vehicle makes money evaporate. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Bodyguard
Market Manipulation - Compete to hold up stores in the time limit. You get a wanted level after each robbery. Payout is $13K+ for winner. Avilable In: Invite Only, Crew, Public Players needed: VIP/CEO, 1+ Bodyguard
 

Other VIP/CEO Notes

VIP/CEOs can spawn vehicles they own nearby for free. And can "rent" the other VIP vehicles. You get to keep this vehicle while VIP or until it is destroyed. (example: If you leave a limo on the other side of the map after renting it you can respawn it near you for free.)
Bodyguards can spawn vehicles nearby if the VIP owns them and no other VIP vehicle is active.
Bodyguards get paid $5000 every 15 minutes by SecuroServe not the VIP. This amount is reduced by $250 each time the VIP dies. It will reset on the next payment if the VIP did not die in that duration.
VIPs get a cut of the money that a bodyguard earns while in Freemode. So if you sell a car, win a gang attack, or rob a store, they get the majority of the money.
When Bodyguards and VIPs die they spawn near each other when they are relatively near one another. (Need more research on this.)
Approximately every 1 minute of real time the Bodyguard spends inside the orange corona of the VIP they receive 100RP.
Every 10 miles the Bodyguard drives the VIP they get 600RP. (Still looking into this one.)
Bodyguards and VIPs can share cash with one another from each Work or Challenge. There is a daily limit that one character can share with another which is about $500K.
Some VIP/CEO work is considered server wide and only one can run at a time.
A VIP/CEO cannot start any other work,challenges, pickups or deliveries while engaged on a current one.
A CEO can request a Luxury Helicopter. When it arrives there is an option to skip the trip to one of your owned properties.

Bodyguard Management

Currently bodyguard pay is very low. They only get normal $5K/15 minutes for pickups. And around $5K on a delivery regardless of the size.
The best way to help them out is to play VIP Work or VIP Challenge Most Wanted in between package pickups. You can share the cash you make as CEO/VIP from Work/Challenges.

CEO Warehouse Management

CEO must purchase a Office. From a special terminal at the CEOs desk they access the SecuroServ Special Cargo Network.
From this desktop computer the CEO can purchase up to 5 warehouses. You can purchase over existing ones and a 1/2 refund will be given. This works kinda like apartments and garages.
Warehouses can hold either 16,42, or 111 Crates.
Special Cargo Crates are bought One at a time for $2000, Two at a time for $4000ea, or Three at a Time for $6000ea.
They can be Bullion, Jewelry, Narcotics, Gemstones, Counterfeit Goods, Medical Supplies, Electronics Goods, Weapons, Alcohol & Tobacco, or Animal Materials. They all cost and sell for the same price so the type of goods does not matter.
Rare Special Cargo
On occasion your Personal Assistant will call you and tell you there is Rare special cargo available for a hefty price. ~30K. Get to your office ASAP. Chose a warehouse. You will see the Rare Item at the top of the buy list. If you back out from that screen it may disappear. It will be a single crate to pickup. Some items: Rare Diamond, Bigfoot Suit?, Fabergé egg, Golden Minigun, Richard Majestics film reel. (These are reported on reddit I've only seen the diamond.) (Also Note: people report that this is very buggy.)
Pickup Missions
After the crates are bought a Buy Mission begins in public free roam. They usually consist of going to a place to pick up a van, truck, or meeting a contact. Each one usually has a "complication," and may have NPCs either guarding the Special Cargo
 
Locations
Beaver Bush Ranger Station
Burton - Behind Cockatoos
Casino
Convenience Store in Banham Canyon
Convenience store east of Tataviam Mountains
East Vinewood S of Pacific Standard
Gas Company
Kortz Center
Legion Square
Land Act Reservoir - downed plane
Little Seoul - downed plane
Los Santos Golf Club
LSIA Terminal Near LSC
Mile High Club - big under construction building.
Murrietta Oil Field North
Murrietta Oil Field South
Murrietta Oil Field Central
Near Tinsel Towers
Oriental Theater
Police Station Rockford
Police Station Mesa
Sisiphus Theater
Templar Hotel alley
Underpass near Rooftop Rumble
Vespucci Canals
Vinewood Hills Park
 
Vehicles to Pickup
Boxville
Brute Camper
Burrito
Marquis - has to be destroyed
Police Van
Rumpo Custom
RV
Speedo Van
 
Complications
Gangs can show up after the Special Cargo is acquired in groups of 2 in 1-3 waves.
The location can change.
It may be one of 3-4 vehicles that one has to Search Each one for.
May have to use Trackify to find the vehicle.
Must Destroy 1-4 helicopters and pickup crates individually.
Must Destroy a helicopter then take out the 1+ thieves who parachute from it and pickup crates individually.
Police Ambush
Police have seized the cargo and are transporting it. You must get it from them and will get a wanted level.
Police have seized the cargo and have it at a secure location. You must enter the police station yard collect the vehicle and deal with 2* wanted level.
Gang Ambush
Gang Fight
Post Gang Fight - 1+ Crates are hidden in the area. Search for clues. Each crate is guarded by a wounded gang member. Sometimes a gang will chase you. Individual crates.
Put down flares for in the Drop Zone for individual crates.
Plan crash guarded by police. Individual crates.
Contact may want you to go to a location and assassinate 1-3 targets. Then gives you the location.
Theives on foot.
Pirates at the Marquis - destroy them without hitting the boat first to make sure you don't accidentally destroy cargo.
 
Sell Missions
Sell missions are determined by how many crates you want to sell at once. Larger shipments require multiple vehicles to be delivered.
0-9 Crates 1 truck/boat/plane.
10-40 Crates 2 trucks/boats/planes
40+ 3 trucks/boats/planes or 1 Titan.
 
Fly the cargo in 1+ Cuban 800's to Ortega's Trailer - http://gta.wikia.com/wiki/Ortega's_trailer
Fly the cargo in 1+ Cuban 800's to Sandy Shores Airfield.
Fly the cargo in a 1+ Cuban 800's and drop individual crates on various spots around the map.
Take a tugboat to a sailboat in international waters.
Deliver cargo in 1+ Brickade. Sometimes must take out 18 incoming NPC enemies.
Take 1+ Brickade to 5 locations to drop off individual packages.
Deliver cargo in 1+ Brickade to a unknown location. Must use trackify. (After you have done enough of them you may be able to guess the spot just by vector alone.)
Take a Titan and deliver to 5 spots.
 
Expect extensive edits over the next few days. For the curios how do I keep in a solo public session? I have really crappy internet service.... it is the reason I can't really play heists... pretty much guaranteed to disconnect during one... but it does cause netsplits and leaves me solo all the time.