Warning: massive amount of text ahead. I created a mostly functional race route around the world (all loactions like buildings, businesses, landmarks, etc. are REAL locations and could theoretically actually work in the race). I tried to have a good variety in locations and types of challenges, but it's really hard! I find it a lot harder to complain about challenge design after making this. Even though this could technically happen there are probably some safety concerns in going to South Africa and Lesotho and it's probably not possible for the American Amazing Race to film in Cuba, but I decided to do it anyway. If you have any questions or feedback please let me know!

RACE #2
Leg 1 (USA - Japan)
Leg 2 (Japan - South Korea)
Leg 3 (South Korea - India)
Leg 4 (India - Oman)
Leg 5 (Oman)
Leg 6 (Oman - South Africa)
Leg 7 (South Africa - Lesotho)
Leg 8 (Lesotho - Greece)
Leg 9 (Greece)
Leg 10 (Greece - North Macedonia)
Leg 11 (North Macedonia - Cuba)
Leg 12 (Cuba - USA)

LEG 1
USA - Japan
Start at Cloud Gate, Chicago, Illinois
Run to clue at Millenium Monument
Clue #1
Make your way to the Gunma region of Japan, and travel to Sarugakyu Onsen. However, to get your tickets to Japan, you must make your way on foot through the busy streets of Chicago to Navy Pier, where flights will be given out according to the order of your arrival. Flights go to Tokyo, and you must make your own travel arrangements from there.
Flight 1 (5 teams): Chicago - Los Angeles - Tokyo, arrives 8:00 AM
Flight 2 (4 teams): Chicago - Tokyo, arrives 9:30 AM
Flight 3 (2 teams): Chicago - San Francisco - Tokyo, arrives 9:45 AM
Clue #2
Both team members must go into the hot springs and search it for the partly submerged cluebox to get your next clue.
Clue #3
Travel to Sarugakyo Bungy for your next clue.
Clue #4
Roadblock: Who’s ready to take a jump?
Bungy jump at the largest bungy jump in all of Japan at 62 meters, or over 200 feet! Once you’ve taken your leap of faith, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #5
Travel to Uenokunirokunomiya Haruna Shrine, Takasaki, for your next clue.
Clue #6
Create one string of paper cranes in Senbazuru. Senbazuru is the crafting of 1000 paper cranes for good luck. Following the demonstration, learn how to craft paper cranes. Once you have created forty of them and strung them together, deliver them to a Shinto priest at Akiba Shrine. He will give you your next clue.
Clue #7
Travel by train to Akihabara, Tokyo, and go to the top of the Tokyo Skytree to receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Roadblock: Who can ‘go’ kart? The teammate who did the first roadblock cannot do this one.
Travel to Akihabari Street Kart 1 and dress up in one of the many ridiculous costumes the company has to offer. Then, join a fifteen minute go-karting tour around the streets of this bustling region and look for three enormous signs in race colors with three different Japanese characters on them. If you can spot and write all three characters down correctly during the rush of Tokyo, you’ll receive your next clue. If you can’t get it right, you’ll have to join the next available tour.
Clue #9
Travel to Horin Park on foot to find the first pit stop! The last team to check in here may be eliminated.
Pit Stop, Leg 1
trip to Canada
last: eliminated

LEG 2
Japan - South Korea
Clue #1
Fly to Busan, South Korea! Upon arrival, make your way to Beomeo-sa for your next clue.
Fast Forward, Leg 2
Go to Songdo Beach and swim out into the ocean, locating the five whale statues in the water. At each statue, pick up marked letter tiles. Once you have all seven (two statues have two tiles), you can go back to the beach and unscramble the letters that spell out the name of a traditional South Korean delicacy that the other contestants eat at their first challenge. If you get the right word, you’ll be given a clue that takes you straight to the end of the leg.
Clue #2
Master the art of Korean meditation. If you can master all of the moves correctly, then your instructor will give over your next clue.
Clue #3
Head to Taejongdae for your next clue.
Clue #4
Roadblock: Who’s desperate to eat?
Take the marked path over one mile uphill to the marked food stand, and finish one serving of Soondae, a traditional South Korean delicacy that is made of pig intestines and pork blood. Once you have finished the food, you can run down to your partner and get your next clue.
Clue #5
Take the Songdo Marine Cable Car from Songnim Park to Amnam Park to receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Detour: Fish Identity or Fish Delivery
Fish Identity: Go to Jagalchi Fish Market and search for the marked stall. Once there, sort an enormous box of fish and organize them. Once the stall owner approves, put them up for stock in the stall to receive your next clue.
Fish Delivery: Go to Jacky’s Seafood and take three orders and three addresses that need to be delivered. Once you have delivered all the fish to all the correct addresses throughout the Gamcheon Culture Village, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Make your way to the pit-stop at Haedong Yonggungsa. The last team to arrive may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 2
-first: trip to Belize
-last: non-elimination

LEG 3
South Korea - India
Clue #1
Fly to Hyderabad, India, and go to the Charminar for your first clue.
Clue #2
Travel to Ramoji Film City Main Entrance to receive your next clue.
Speed Bump, Leg 3
Make your way to Saha’s Adventure Park and zorb down a steep hill. Once you’ve made it, you can continue racing.
Clue #3
Detour: Birdy Woods or Bollywood
Birdy Woods: Dressing up in clumsy bird costumes, search through Asia’s largest aviary for a cutout of the bird your partner is dressing up as. Once you’ve found the two cutouts, head to the Bonsai Garden. If you match the right bird, you’ll receive your next clue.
Bollywood: Head to Ramoji Movie Magic. Dressing up in traditional Indian outfits, memorize a short dance to the tune of some Bollywood music and perform it to the live audience and judges. If you meet their standards, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #4
Head to Nehru Zoological Park where your next clue will be waiting.
Clue #5
Take an amazing elephant ride! With both teammates on the elephant’s back guide it through a short course. If you can reach the end in under two minutes, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Make your way to Bidar Fort by public transport for your next clue.
Clue #7
Roadblock: Who’s itching to get etching?
One team member must help in the process of the creation of bidriware. First, you must chisel one section in the piece of bidriware very precisely. Any error and you must restart. If given the clear, then you must then make their way inside Bidar Fort and collect a total of three baskets of soil for the artisans to use later in the process. Finally, you must use some of the soil you collected and coat a piece of bidriware in it. If every part of the challenge was done to the satisfaction of the artisans, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Make your way to the Bahmani Tombs and the pit-stop! The last team to arrive will be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 3
-first: trip to Japan
-last: eliminated

LEG 4
India - Oman
Clue #1
Fly to Muscat, Oman! Once you have arrived, make your way to Al Alam Palace, where you will find marked cars waiting outside. Your clue will be waiting on the car.
Clue #2
Drive all the way to the Nizwa Souq in Nizwa, Oman, where you will find nine different tags, each releasing teams at different times the next morning, when you will be given your next clue.
Tag 1: departure at 7:00 AM
Tag 2: departure at 7:05 AM
Tag 3: departure at 7:10 AM
Tag 4: departure at 7:15 AM
Tag 5: departure at 7:20 AM
Tag 6: departure at 7:25 AM
Tags 7-9: departure at 7:30 AM
Clue #3
Detour: Selling Goats or Weighing Dates
Selling Goats: Navigate through the souq to the weekly goat market. You must select a seller and help them sell their goats. First, thoroughly clean five goats so they are ready for selling. Then, parade five goats around the “walking circle,” where potential buyers will inspect which goats to buy. You must finally buy a goat yourself, haggling for a price under 100 riyals, or 260 US dollars. Once you can purchase a goat, you will receive your next clue. Keep the goat for the next challenge.
Weighing Dates: Find the marked stall in the souq that is selling dates. Your goal is to weigh out 200 grams of Ajwa Dates, 175 grams of Barhi Dates, and 125 grams of Hayani Dates. To do this, you must travel across the market to a scale at a different date stall. If you can get the perfect amount of dates, you will receive your next clue. Keep the dates for the next challenge.
Clue #4
Travel on foot to the Contemporary Mosque with either your goat or dates and trade them with the man waiting out front for your next clue.
Clue #5
Make your way back to the souq, and head to Omani Craftsman's House where you will find your next clue.
Clue #6
Roadblock: Who can work and weave?
The teammate participating in this roadblock must help create a small basketwork bowl. After watching the example, you must use the provided materials to finish off the bowl. If it meets the requirement of the shop owner, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Make your way to the pit-stop for this leg of the race, Nizwa Fort! The last team to arrive may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 4
-first: continue racing
-last: continue racing

LEG 5
Oman
Clue #1
Drive yourself to Bimmah Sinkhole in Muscat, Oman! You will receive your next clue after having a cup of delicious locally-made coffee. Caution! Double U-Turn ahead!
Clue #2
Detour: Script Write or Shipwright
Script Write: Drive to Bait al Zubair and go into the Manuscript Room. Using a provided paper and translation guide, figure out what the marked manuscript says in English. If anything is wrong when submitting it, though, you must start completely over.
Shipwright: Drive to Oman Maritime Boatyard and find the marked boat. Oman Maritime has been reviving the craft of making the traditional wooden boats of Oman’s past, and you must help with the process. First, you must hand-sand a small section of the marked vessel. Then, you and your partner must work together to stitch coconut palm fiber through twenty holes, or eighty total stitches. Once you’re done, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #3
Make your way to Mutrah Souk for your next clue and the U-Turn board!
Clue #4
Search through the enormous market for one of three marked stalls. One you’ve found a stall, search through their wares for a trinket with a red/yellow flag on the bottom. Give the correct trinket to the shop owner, and they will hand you your next clue.
Clue #5
Drive yourself to Qurum Beach, where you will receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Roadblock: Who will pass the shells?
For this challenge, one team member must watch the demonstration of two fishermen playing a traditional Omani game, Al Hawalees. You must first create a “board” in the sand and collect the required amount of shells to play. You must then challenge a local fisherman. If you can win while following all of the rules correctly, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Make your way to the pit-stop at Wadi Bani Khalid. The last team to check in will be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 5
-first: trip to Tanzania
-last: eliminated

LEG 6
Oman - South Africa
Clue #1
Fly out of Oman to Durban, South Africa, on one of two flights.
Flight 1 (2 teams): Muscat - Durban, arrives 7:30 AM
Flight 2 (6 teams): Muscat - Dar es Salaam - Durban, arrives 8:00 AM
Upon touching down, make your way to Moses Mabhida Stadium, where you will find your next clue.
Clue #2
Roadblock: Who will swing for the skies?
One team member must strap in and complete the Big Rush Big Swing, the largest swing in the world! Dive 263 feet down. Once you have finished the swing, you will receive a section and seat number. You will search the stands for your next clue.
Clue #3
Make your way to Umhlanga Lighthouse for your next clue.
Clue #4
Shake it up! In this challenge, you must create Lighthouse Bar’s famous “Umhlanga Schling.” Use the provided recipe to create fifteen drinks to perfection, and you will receive your next clue.
Clue #5
Head to Addington Beach and dig underneath one of the large sandcastles for your next clue.
Clue #6
Detour: Tree or Sea
Tree: For this detour, go to Durban Botanical Gardens. Use a provided golf cart to make your way to the famous Wood’s Cycad, a tree dating back to the age of dinosaurs. It has been cared for here since 1848. Once there, use one of the provided pieces to put together a large 3d puzzle of the tree. Once it has been approved, you will be handed your clue, and you can drive back to the front of the gardens and continue racing.
Sea: Go to uShaka Marine World and help out with some chores! First, help the kitchen staff and prepare 5 pounds of specially made vegetables for some of the aquarium’s fish. Second, travel around the park and take water samples from each of the specified exhibits. Finally, record blood test results taken during routine health check-ups. If you’ve completed all of the steps correctly, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Head to the pit-stop at Suncoast Casino and Entertainment World! The last team to check in may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 6
-first: 5k each
-last: eliminated

LEG 7
South Africa - Lesotho
Clue #1
Drive yourself through Qacha’s Nek and into Lesotho! Once in Lesotho, drive yourself to Maletsunyane Falls where you’ll find your next clue.
Fast Forward, Leg 7
By completing this fast forward, you will skip an overnight rest point and will be able to head directly to the pit-stop. Head to Sehlabathebe National Park. Once there, using the provided map and compass, ride by horseback to the nomadic tribal people’s current village. At the village, help cook pap-pap, a type of porridge common in Lesotho. The first team to complete the challenge will be able to head directly to the pit-stop.
Clue #2
Drive yourself to Seshoeshoe Decor and Fashion Designers in Maseru for your next clue.
Clue #3
Who can cut up a pattern?
One teammate will choose one of the complicated tribal Lesotho designs, and must find five pieces of fabric that match it perfectly. But be careful, the designs have miniscule differences between them. Once you’ve found all of your fabric, cut them at the directed places to receive your next clue.
Clue #4
Make your way to the Subeng River Dinosaur Footprints, where you will find seven tags, each releasing you at a time in the morning when you will receive your next clue.
Tags 1-2: departure at 7:00 AM
Tag 3: departure at 7:20 AM
Tag 4: departure at 7:40 AM
Tags 5-7: departure at 8:00 AM
Clue #5
Detour: Cave or Maze
Cave: For this challenge, go to Liphofung Cave. You must memorize all of the rock paintings in a specified section (15 paintings), and then run approximately a quarter-mile away and select the correct paper cutouts and put them in the right order as they were shown in the cave. When you have everything selected and ordered correctly, you’ll receive your next clue.
Maze: Make your way to the second largest dam in Africa, Katse Dam. Enter the first marked gallery and record the air temperature and the humidity. Use those observations to crack a complicated code, and enter the parallel gallery it directs you into. Be careful, it might be hard to find! If you enter the correct gallery, you will find a boat key, which you must give to the boatmaster. He will then give you a small ride around the reservoir and you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Drive yourself to Sani Stone Lodge for your next clue.
Clue #7
Help a local Basotho Shephard and their dogs move their sheep to a new grazing location. Don’t let the sheep get away! Once they’ve all been successfully moved, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Make your way on foot to the pit-stop at Sani Top Chalet! The last team to check in may be eliminated!
Pit-Stop, Leg 7
-first: trip to Egypt
-last: non-elimination

LEG 8
Lesotho - Greece
Clue #1
Via Maseru International Airport, make your way to Athens, Greece, known to be the home of the first democracy! From there, make your way to the Theatre of Dionysus on The Acropolis, where you will take part in a U-Turn vote. The two teams with the most votes will be sentenced to an automatic U-Turn when they arrive at the detour. After the vote, teams will be given their next clue.
Clue #2
Fly to Chania, Greece on the island of Crete! Upon touching down, use the provided cars to make your way to the Agora and search for the marked stall.
Speed Bump, Leg 8
Together, team members must eat through a total of twelve Greek figs. Once all of the fruits have been stomached, that team can continue racing.
Clue #3
Detour: Traverse or Immerse
Traverse: Make your way to the Maritime Museum of Crete, and find the small yacht model outside the museum. Your goal is to remember as much as you can without writing it down, then make a half mile walk through the streets of Crete to the yacht harbor, where you must find a marked yacht and rearrange the items until it is just like it was in the model. Once the actual yacht matches the model, you’ll receive your next clue.
Immerse: Travel to Minoan’s World 3D Museum, and get treated to a five minute long “9D movie” on Cretan History which engages all of your senses. If you can answer all five questions correctly, you’ll receive your next clue. However, only two teams can participate in the show at once.
Clue #4
Drive to the Palace of Knossos for your next clue.
Clue #5
Use the provided map to navigate through the ruins, collecting puzzle pieces at each of the marked rooms. Once you have all ten bundles of pieces, head outside and recreate the large painting using the pieces you collected. Once it has been finished, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Drive to Cretan Olive Oil Farm for your next clue.
Clue #7
Roadblock: Who is feeling oily?
In this challenge, one teammate will help in the process of creating olive oil. First, set up special tree-shaking equipment and a net, used to efficiently get olives out of the tree without bruising them. You will then sort the olives between bruised and fair. Finally, crush both bruised and fair olives with a traditional granite olive press. Once they have been successfully grinded into a paste, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Find the pit-stop along the coast of the small village of Loutro back on the west side of Crete. You will soon discover, however, that the village is completely blocked off from the mainland by mountains, so you will have to find alternate transportation. Hurry, because the last team to arrive will be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 8
-first: trip to Austria
-last: eliminated

LEG 9
Greece
Clue #1
Fly back to the mainland in Thessaloniki! When you’ve arrived, search Aristotelous Square for your next clue.
Clue #2
Detour: Serve or Observe
Serve: For this detour head on foot to Bougatsa Giannis, a renowned restaurant in the Ladadika area. You must take the orders of twelve total people and retrieve the correct dishes for them from the kitchen. Each person also has a dessert, which must be retrieved from nearby pastry shop Trigona Elinidi. You may take notes, but if you mess up someone’s order, you must start it over again.
Observe: Go by taxi to the Thessaloniki Science Centre Technology Museum and make your way to the main planetarium. The night sky will be projected above, and will be moving around you at one hour of regular movement per second. Using the provided key, identify five Greek constellations first identified by Claudius Ptolemy- Orion, Ursa Major, Cassiopeia, Centaurus, and Perseus. Be careful, it might be dizzying! Once you’ve found all of the constellations, you’ll be rewarded with your next clue.
Clue #3
Find the Arch of Galerius for your next clue.
Clue #4 Use one of the marked cars to drive yourself for the rest of the leg. Go to the Thessaloniki Concert Hall for your next clue.
Clue #5
Roadblock: Who can blow a note and hold a tune?
Macedonian brass bands are extremely popular in the Macedonia region of Greece, so for this roadblock, learn how to play the trumpet, a popular instrument played in these bands. If you can play a few notes of the folk song with the band, you’ll get your next clue.
Clue #6
Drive to Dalamara Winery. Once there, follow the guide to the directed area, where you must load two empty kegs onto a horse drawn cart. Direct the horse approximately half a mile through the vineyard and return back to the kegs. You will continue to load and deliver a total of eight kegs to receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Drive to Ski Center Voras and take the lift to the top where Kajmakcalan, a chapel right on the border between Greece and North Macedonia is situated. The last team to arrive at this pit-stop may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 9
-first: trip to Colombia
-last: eliminated

LEG 10
Greece - North Macedonia
Clue #1
Drive yourself across the border into North Macedonia to Popova Kula Winery! Once there, pull a tag that departs you at a certain time the next morning.
Tag 1: departure at 8:00 AM
Tag 2: departure at 8:10 AM
Tag 3: departure at 8:20 AM
Tags 4-5: departure at 8:30 AM
Clue #2
Roadblock: Who is a master chef?
The teammate doing this roadblock will use the provided recipe to cook the national dish of North Macedonia, Tavche Gravche, a special type of baked beans. If it is cooked to perfection, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #3
Drive yourself to the Millenium Cross in Skopje for your next clue.
Clue #4
Detour: Art Block or Charity Walk
Art Block: Drive to the Art Bridge, which is home to 29 statues of important Macedonian artists and musicians. Wandering on and around the bridge are 29 people dressed up as those artists and musicians. You must match nine total people to their statues. A maximum of three teams can complete this challenge.
Charity Walk: Drive to the Mother Teresa Memorial House and load a trolley cart with a marked group of items that will almost completely fill the trolley. On foot, travel to the SOS Children’s Village National Office where you are to deliver the items. If you do not choose this option, your items will still be donated after the leg.
Clue #5
Drive to the city of Struga, where the North Macedonian national anthem was created. Make your way to the Saint Archangel Michael Cave Church for your next clue.
Clue #6
Teammates must work together to memorize four total stanzas of the Macedonian national anthem- in Macedonian. If you can perform it with the orchestra without forgetting the lyrics, you’ll receive your clue to the next pit-stop.
Clue #7
Drive to the Monastery of St. Naum and the pit-stop! The last team to check in may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 10
-first: trip to Indonesia
-last: eliminated

LEG 11
North Macedonia - Cuba
Clue #1
Make your way back to Skopje, then fly to Havana, Cuba, on two predetermined flights. Once there, go by taxi to Taller Calle 8, a car repair shop, where you will receive your next clue.
Flight 1 (2 teams): Skopje - Paris - Havana, arrives 6:30 AM
Flight 2 (2 teams): Skopje - London - Miami - Havana, arrives 7:10 AM
Clue #2
Roadblock: Who can fix it up?
The teammate doing this roadblock must follow the example to repair one of the classic Cuban cars. If it makes it past inspection, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #3
For the remainder of the leg, you’ll have to drive the car you just fixed. Head to Fusterlandia, where you’ll find your next clue.
Clue #4
Find where the attached image is in person throughout the folk neighborhood of Fusterlandia. If you can find where the image actually is and show the judge, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #5
Sell the Box or Find the Band
Sell the Box: Drive to Santa Maria del Mar Beach and sell the provided boxes of boxed rum, the “juice box for bug kids.” While never selling any box for under 25 Cuban Pesos, make 375 Cuban Pesos (around fifteen US dollars). Once you’ve made your sales, you’ll receive your next clue.
Find the Band: For this detour, drive to the Cuban Art Factory and observe the large, marked piece of sheet music in the first room. Going from room to room in the factory, try to find the band who is playing the music that was in the first room. You must make your guesses ten minutes apart, so be confident in your answers! Once you have chosen the right band, you’ll be rewarded with your next clue.
Clue #6
Drive to Vinales Valley Tobacco Field and search the marked area for your next clue.
Clue #7
Perfectly roll ten Cuban cigars, five per contestant. Watch the example closely, as any small mistake in rolling the tobacco leaf will cause the cigar to fail. Once all of the cigars have been perfectly rolled, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Take a long drive to the eastern side of Cuba and the pit-stop at Ignacio Agramonte Park in Camaguey! The last team to check into the pit-stop will be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 11
-first: trip to Botswana
-last: eliminated

LEG 12
Cuba - USA
Clue #1
For the first part of this leg, you’ll be staying in Cuba! Drive yourself using the car you used in the last leg down Neptuno street in Havana, where you will find a guarapo stall with a flag.
Clue #2
Using the hand-press to crush sugarcane, make forty glasses of guarapo. Once all of the glasses have been successfully made, you’ll be handed your next clue.
Clue #3
Drive to the Tropicana Night Club for your next clue.
Clue #4
Roadblock: Who can make it and shake it?
For this challenge, one team member must follow the instructions of the costume designer to create a costume for one of the showgirls. If the costume is made correctly and given a pass, teams will be given their next clue.
Clue #5
Teams must drive to Aeropuerto de La Habana Ciudad Libertad, where you will embark on a charter flight to Key West, Florida, back in the United States. Once in Key West, teams must go to the southernmost point in the continental United States for their next clue.
Clue #6
Make your way to the Ernest Hemingway Home and Museum, where you’ll find your next clue.
Clue #7
Roadblock: Who is a reader, a writer, and a decipherer?
Ernest Hemingway, known for books like The Old Man and the Sea, had a notoriously bad handwriting, with little regards to punctuation or accuracy. One team member must copy one of Hemingway’s notes perfectly, letter for letter, on the provided typewriter. If it was typed perfectly, you will be handed a decoder key which you can use to find the hidden message, which will reveal the location of your final challenge.
Answer: Smathers Beach
Clue #8
Now that you’ve made it to Smathers Beach, you’ll partake in a final challenge. Out in between the marked buoys are bundles of letter tiles. You must dive down to retrieve them and bring them back up to shore. Figure out what you’re supposed to spell out with them, and once you think you have the answer, hang the tiles in order on your clothesline. If you have the correct answer, you’ll be given the final clue.
Answer: United States, Japan, South Korea, India, Oman, South Africa, Lesotho, Greece, North Macedonia, Cuba, United States (teams must figure out that they have to spell out all of the countries they visited in order on the race)
Clue #9
Congratulations! Make your way to the final pit-stop at Fort Zachary Cruise Pier! Go, go, go, the first team to reach the pit-stop will win 1 MILLION dollars!
Pit-Stop, Leg 12
10 countries
4 continents
over 27,000 miles
first: 1 million dollars

[Let's build D100] Ships you might come across in a busy port.

The party has come into a busy port and decide to visit some other ships. Who might they discover, what might they find?

d100 Interesting Ships in a Port

Shani and Aurora's Tent of Two - The two goblin sisters Shani and Aurora sail providing services to port settlements. Shani claims to be a seer and charges 60gp for a "reading" of the future (she is not). Aurora 'The useful one' provides the service of casting identify for 20gp. She may also agree to sell some of her extensive library if offered the right price. [dweeb_bush]
The Bones Brothers - The bones brothers are a travelling group of jolly bards. As their name suggests they are animated skeletons. Jimbo-double bass, Timbo-guitar, Limbo-vocals, Dimbo-marimba and Franky-drums. They are very hospitable and put on a show for anyone who comes and visits them! [dweeb_bush]
The Lovers - A small nondescript boat lies just off the dock. The is no sign of activity on board apart from the dock inspector who is trying to find out who's boat it is. The truth is the owners of the boat died ten days ago and the boat has miraculously drifted safely into port. on a successful DC 10 investigation or perception check the party members discover two young male elves cowering in the cannonball chest. When the lid is lifted they start begging for their life. If pressed they reveal that the crew was attacked by sirens, the majority of the crew succomed to the siren's calls however the two young boys, deeply infatuated with each other did not care for their temptation. They ran out of food last night and thought they were surely doomed! [dweeb_bush]
The Crows - A large black boat rests in port, neatly secured off one of the more expensive jettys. The most defining feature of the boat is that it is bustling with activity, not by humanoids but 3d12 black ravens. One wears a small captains hat and appears to undersatnd the party. If the party casts speak with animals they discover that the crows were awakened through a series of trials on a new spell aimed to mass awaken a group of creatures. The crows have varying degrees of intelligence and are all chaotic neutral alligned. The crows rebelled from, Hignory Flip, the wizard running the trials on a small island about 2 days sail from the port, and stole his ship. [dweeb_bush]
Captain Redbeak! - A suspicious longship hovers low on the water. There is a steady stream of humanoids entering the covered boat and leaving a few minutes later with a small package. The ship belongs to Captain Redbeak, a feirce pirate captain who runs a drug trade: the drug in question is a relatively cheap drug called "Peak Water" and is collected dew from mountaintops, it gives the user a high that lasts 1d4 hours and gives the user a d4 of bardic inspiration. It costs 10gp per hit. The ship is manned by 2d6 Bandits, and if threatened or reported they will attempt to kill the party in defence of their lives. [dweeb_bush]
Crazy Mr McGee - A delerious man stands warding off the dock guards with what looks like a loaded blunderbus. He's yelling about his notorious reputation as a savage pirate and keeps claiming they have come to "Take away my princess". The princess he's referring to is his boat- he imagines that it is a glourious gallion but in reality it's just a rowboat. If the party manage to subdue the man the dock guards thank them and offer to buy them a drink later that night in the tavern. [dweeb_bush]
A Con??? - The players are drawn to a commotion hidden behind a crowd of people. A large goliath (Manneo) seems to have taken a small dwarf (Skalgrouth) hostage and is threatening to slit his throat if the dock guard do not meet his demands "I'll bloody well kill 'im if you don't give me what I want: 100gp worth of rubies and free passage out of this shit hole!". In reality the goliath and dwarf are working together pulling off this stunt at various ports in the area, so far, to great success! [dweeb_bush]
The Rat's Den - The players follow a stream of rats on board a decrepid looking riverfairing vessel. When they make cross into the canvassed interior they see an old kobold playing the pipes, he seems to be a rat-catcher. If the party interrupt him in his ritual he turns the a swarm of rats against the party and runs off into the port. [dweeb_bush]
Seeking Refuge - A smallish sloop titled 'The Diamond Endeavour' pulls into port, it's sinking and fast! A crew member (Emery Green) jumps onto the dockside and is yelling for help. The vessel was struck by a great storm while at sea and they sustained damage when they brushed by a reef. Luckily they werent wrecked but unluckily they could not repair all the damage with materials on board. They've been bailing for hours and can no longer bail as fast as the ship is filling up with water! If the characters wish to help they can make a DC 13 group athletics check to bail enough water to stop the crew from having to jump ship and leave it to sink. If the players are successful Emery thanks them profusely and offers them a map to a shipwreck they were on the way to dive at before the storm hit them. "It's rumoured that this is the wreck of the old pirate lord, Feather Toothed Bill's ship and may hold riches beyond imagine!" [dweeb_bush]
The Gilded Sail - A group of merchants, all of various races, each offering unique, and expensive, magical trinkets. True to their name, their sail is actually a thin sheet of gold, and the rest of their ship is covered in valuable metals and gems. It’s also very well armed, as are the merchants aboard. Keep an eye on the rogue when this one’s around. [Dragon_Overlord]
The Patchwork - A large ship which seems to have been destroyed and repaired numerous times with whatever material the crew had, from birch wood to copper metal to even welded armor and weapons. Speaking of the crew, they appear to be a mishmash of Kenku, Kobold, Halfling, and the occasional Tabaxi and Goblin. The captain appears to be a raccoon by the name of Majos, which, if your party stumbles upon the question of why and how a raccoon is a ship captain, she would respond with “a salty mage who didn’t know how to win a simple game of cards had a tantrum.” She would then offer the party a game of cards in which if the party beats Majos, she rewards the party a hefty sum of 100 GP, and if any party member is any of the races listed above, she rewards an additional magic item (DM’s choice) and offers a position to the party member for them to join her crew. Accept and the party is taken to an additional encounter to an island for treasure. Decline is acceptable and Majos would accept any favor from the party. [SpyroAndToothless]
The Feyr Winds - An elegant ship that carries goods and treasures from far off Elven lands run by a mixture of elven and faerie creatures. Their most illustrious goods are fruits that can do many things such as heal wounds, cure poisons, or even granting stat bonuses for a minute! (Vendor: Fruits are magical and can take on the effect of any potion you want.) [OSpiderBox]
Gnasher's Maw - A tribal-ized longship driven by a "merry" band of lizard folk. They obviously don't understand personal space or social norms, and are seeking people to help them with a Giant problem. (Hook: if your party is having downtime while they look for their next quest, this could be that hook they need.) [OSpiderBox]
The Esteemed Steamboat - Artificers run this marvel of steam engineering. However... it's currently in a state of disrepair. Looks like heavy damage from some monstrosity. While they're extremely proficient in fixing it, they have no money and are looking for work to pay for supplies. (Allies: party could hire some of them for an upcoming task/adventure, or even offer to fund the repairs in exchange for favopassage.) [OSpiderBox]
The Mainstream (You’ll never need a bigger boat!) - A casino cruise ship featuring a large game room, several bars, comfortable rooms, a pool and a hot tub fueled by a continual flame spell. It is captained by a tall, brown scaled lizardfolk woman named Kepesk. The dealers are kenku bards repeating rules and barking (“Step right up, try you’re luck at the Wheel of the Goddess of Fortune!”) There is also a large vault of gold on board, guarded by lizardfolk soldiers. One particular patron is looking for a few helping hands for a bit of a caper now that he knows the guards patrol schedules. [spiff2]
Rocinante - A relatively fancy and expensive ship being up kept by the Quijano family and their servants. The last living member of the family is a young man, obsessed with swords and thirst for adventure. He agrees to let the team borrow the ship, in exchange for him coming with them on their adventures to wherever they’re going. [DrFishPhd]
Deep Blue - In a corner of the harbour, a seemingly empty ship. Sails are neatly furled, crew seems to have left the ship mere hours ago. On the deck, small openings allows the visitor to enter the hold, in it, some barrels, hammocks. Beside one of the hammock, a book, quite old, written in an old version of Common language.In the middle of the hold, some blankets cover a group of trunks, under these trunks, another opening ... leading to another hold. In this hold, vessels, old fashioned lanterns, and some parchment written in ancient language. At the bottom of a bulkhead, an opening, some stairs gong down in another hold.Wood seems ancient, and strange figures are carved into the wooden parts of the boats. Some ancient runes are covering pillars. In the middle of the hold, a panel with nails made of some unknown metal, once open, stairs going down in the dark. From the shadows, the noise of little splaches. [doctor_providence]
The Mosquito - Run by a crew of githyanki pirates. What seems like a normal battle vessel, once on the open ocean, the sails begin turning outward and suddenly the ship begins gliding above the waters surface at fast speeds. [GladiatorJustin]
The C.H.U.D.- The Shell of a massive deceased Dragonturtle floats next to the dock, it’s ends sealed by mechanical claws, and a viewport fitted into the front. The C.H.U.D. (Chelonian Hammerworked Underwater Dirigible) was designed by the Gnomish Inventor Hector Copperspark. Crewed by gnomes and halflings as they are the only ones small enough to man the complex machinery crammed into the turtle shell, the C.H.U.D. is a mercenary vessel that hires out to perform naval attacks. Hector just got a lead on a new job, and he needs some muscle to pull it off... [Lakandalwa]
The Temple - A ship that serves as a mobile temple to a water deity. It goes from port to port to carry services. [SMGB_NeonYoshi]
Cloudscraper - One of the gems of the Romish Empire's formidable fleet, the Cloudscraper is a powerful warship specially constructed for defeating sea monstrosities of all kinds. Developed after the Queen's late husband was killed by an island feeder (colossal sea beasts known for swallowing swaths of land whole), this vessel with an imposing tower-like bridge is loaded up with all types of harpoons, cannons, and magical armor. Some even say that, thanks to a powerful magical engine, the top half of the ship can separate from the brig to chase after flying beasts attempting to get away. With how famous it is, plenty of townsfolk are eager to get a look at the shining bronze beast of a boat. But what's it doing here of all places? [MildlyConcernedGhost]
The Wistful Wanderer - A small sloop with a single cabin in the middle of the deck. A skilled observer might note that the sails and rigging as well as the rudder occasional shift to right the ship or tighten and secure themselves more. The cabin is actually permanently enchanted with a Mordenkainen’s Magnificent mansion and the ship is handled by a permanent crew of 20 unseen servants. It is owned by the Wandering Wizard Wesley Wrycroft. He sails the world at his leisure, seeking trade for scrolls and arcane artifacts. He also regularly hires adventurers to gather difficult to reach artifacts from unworthy hands whenever he finds a lead on the location of such a relic. [Lakandalawa]
The Magic Brawler - A merchant ship with a very strong looking captain comes to port. If the party chooses to look at their items the captain will challenge the party to an arm wrestling match. Beating a DC 20 strength check will award the party one minor magic item from the captain's personal stash, and beating a DC 25 strength check will award a magic item of the DMs choosing. [TheInstitute4]
The Friend Ship - A comfortable looking wooden ship full of people just hanging out on the deck. While aboard this ship you find yourself under the effects of the Charm Person spell to make everyone friendly with each other. [Stormkiko]
The Dragon Ship - Captained by a Dragonborn with a dragon head on the prow, this ship is a merchant vessel crewed by a muscular Dragonborn who sits on the deck smoking a long pipe. The ship has put down for repairs after grazing a rock which tore a few holes in the starboard side. [AndreTheSalty]
Kender - A rag tag ship filled with swashbuckling Kender. The ship looks like it was made from bits and pieces of many different ships.The Kender are very drunk and have no idea how they got to this port. [Slainlion]
The Poor Captain - A ship that looks broken and near sinking, in truth it's one of the most armed ship on the seas. It uses help calls or just their non threatening look to lure ships close so that they can attack them. [DungeonsAndScouts]
The Fisticuffs- A medium sized rowdy ship sits a little way out from the dock. The ship has two massive hands stemming from the hulls on long mechanical arms. The hands have an AC of 25, a damage threshold of 5, and 30 health each. They ship can leave the water and "walk" on the hands. The ship is primarily a combat ship and is crewed by a band of mischevious gnome tinkerers. In addition to attacking (+10 to hit: 4d6 + 8 bludgeoning damage) the hands can also cast Bigby's hand once per day. [dweeb_bush]
The Grain Barge - A large barge with a dirt floor and wheat growing. A single old man lives on the barge, and sells wheat for 2 pountds per copper piece. In the hull of the barge, accessible only by a trapdoor in the old man's shack, is a large pile of carrots. [serious_tabaxi]
Sea Rot - A large gallion speeds into port with a yellow flag raised. As soon as they dock and have paid the docking fee the captain, a large half-orc woman called Mishka, starts calling for help! She reveals that over half of her crew has contracted a strange plague and she fears for her life. She came to port to seek medical assisstance but fears she is infected so dares not go ashore.The plague - Sea Rot - Is highly contagious and air-borne: if a creature comes within 5ft. of an infected creature they must succeed on a DC 17 Constitution save or become infected themself, symptoms take 1d10 days to manifest. The symptoms of Sea Rot are gruesome, starting with the extremities of the body, the body starts depositing water in cytoplasm-like sacks. At the end of every long rest the creature takes 2d6 cold damage and must succeed on a DC 13 Constitution save or suffer 1 permanent constitution damage, the infected creature also has disadvantage on strength and dexterity checks. It can only be cured by magical means that remove a disease.If the party fetches help she rewards them with a small favour and a pouch full of gemstones worth 50gp, in addition, if the party can cure the 20 crew members and contain the plague she offers them passage anywhere, offers an additional 100gp, and her cutlass- a +1 scimmitar that also increases the holder's charisma by 2 while holding it. [dweeb_bush]
Grok's Galley - A medium-sized ship piloted by a Tortle named Grok(He Understands Things)11. The ship is a 2 sailed vessel with few cannons and other wartime mechanisms on them. The crew is very resilient and full of ragtag non-humaniods. Gnolls, Dragonborn, Ratfolk etc.He's about to set sail back home as he's heard of this group of ratfolk that are trying to overthrow the government in his home town. [VKilledTInternet]
The Abigail - An old warship thought to be lost that had been renovated and turned into an inn. It’s run by two very attractive siblings, who turn out to be sirens and one night, they take the boat out to the sea and eat all the passengers. [TardyTortoise]
The Comfort - This massive galleon is an independent freebooter that refuses to pay allegiance to any nation or city. Housing a collection of skilled healers and clerics, the Comfort sails to areas struck by famine, plague, and war, providing healing to whomever requests it. The sailors aboard the vessel have all sworn the same oath, to defend the healers and their patients with their lives no matter the cost.While the Comfort usually is accepted at any port, it sometimes comes under attack when it travels to war torn regions and as such is well equipped to defend itself should it come under attack. [Lakandalawa]
Arabian Traders - An exotic merchant vessel filled with silks, spices, and strange spirits is disembarking. A dashing arabian prince asks basic questions about the city, potentially becoming enamored with one of the party members. He is rich and slightly crazy, and believes anything can be bought for a price. This gets him into trouble when he tries to buy someone's hand in marriage to add to his collection of luxuries and many wives back in his home port. [jfractal]
Deep Sea Scavengar - Salty, untrustworthy sailors (who look like pirates) are disembarking/unloading from their latest voyage. They have been at sea for months, and haven't seen a woman in that long - they openly hit on and jeer at any females in the group with a CHA score of 11 or higher. One sailor tells a fanciful story about sirens that they encountered on their voyage, killing 3 of their men (it's hard to tell if they are serious or not). [jfractal]
His majesty's secret - A heavily outfitted, small warship is in a secret mission from the king. Heavily armed/armored guards stand watch over the docks, turning away everyone, and refusing to divulge their purpose here. [jfractal]
Smallminded Yokels - A small, local fishing vessel filled with xenophobic, small-minded fisherman. The make disparaging remarks about any non-humans if approached. If the party gives them lip, they will get jumped by the crew the next time they wander the harbor at night. [jfractal]
Mussel's Mate - A large fishing vessel that has seen it's better days. Rigging is in tatters, masts are spliced together, mismatched patchworks sails. Oddly enough the captains quarters are extremely well apportioned not at all like the rest of the ship. [hamlet_d]
The Wayward Lady - This ship has an all female crew. The species on board are the outcasts from different lands. They serve as a place for any who are lost to have a home, though men don't tend to stay for long for some reason. After a successful DC 20 insight check it can be found that men on board the ship for 4 months become women. [42firehawk]
The Gypsy - On the deck is what appears to be a stage where beautiful female dancers perform to music provided by a small band of bards. One of the dancers, who is known as the Storyteller, tells stories through song as the rest of the dancers provide her the visuals/backup dancing. Her voice is noticeably quite low for a woman, but is very enchanting nonetheless. An insight check with a DC20 will reveal that all of the performers are cross-dressing men. [Crystalized13]
The Stable - A ship of decent size that carries horses (or any other kind of mount in your game) from port to port and sells them at a decent price to tired and/or injured travelers. It is crewed by a family of six (mother is the captain, father, three sons, three daughters) and a few extras the gathered along their journey, namely; a nice old man who wants to see the world, a young woman with a fiery attitude and an obvious crush on one of the party members, a muscular Dragonborn who has obviously seen some action who now tends to the horses, a bard who offers entertainment to the crew on board and is particularly liked by the children, a mute Druid who helps the horses and is good friends with the Dragonborn (who interprets their sign), and an ex-pirate who loves the sea but wishes to leave their past behind them. [Crystalized13]
The Penny Bucket - The penny bucket is barely a ship. It's looks like a wash-bucket with a wooden T nailed to it and has a large white shirt as a sale. As far as you can tell there's no way to steer, its an utter mystery to you how it ended up in port, let alone why the dock authority would charge it to dock. When you peer inside the bucket you see a small red pseudodragon peacefully sleeping on it's hoard, which consists of 3pp, 16gp, 103sp, and 56cp, 6 rubies worth 30gp, and a dusty diamond worth 300gp , and a small magical trinket of the DM's choice. If woken up the Pseudodragon wakes up and fiercely snarls , cowering, and protecting its stuff. The dragon will trade any of the items in its hoard if the adventurers offer something of value, or a large amount of food. If the party wants to adopt the dragon along with it's hoard it may be won over with gifts and a DC18 animal handling check. [dweeb_bush]
The Crafty Raft - A makeshift raft has floated down the coast and slammed into the dock. There is no one on board and it appears to be unmanned. There is a note fixed to the mast with a tiny butterknife. The note has directions, "at the lightning stump follow the stream and rescue us". The raft, and attached note were made by crafty goblins attempting to lure creatures down the coast right into a trap. The goblins have made finding their hideout incredibly easy. With a DC 5 nature (tracking) check the party can find the tree and follow it down to the river. The real trap is a series of pitfall traps cleverly hidden in and around the stream. If the adventurers continue along the stream they must succeed on a DC18 Perception check to avoid it and must succeed on a DC14 Dexterity save or fall 10ft. into spikes and take 1d6 bludgeoning damage and 2d6 piercing damage. They are then accosted by 2d4 goblins. [dweeb_bush]
The Illusory Boat - Moored in the port is a huge gleaming golden pirate ship, there must be at least 50 richly dressed halflings manning it. There's a long gangplank extending to the dock. Suddenly there's the noise of several cannons firing off. The guards rush over to the ship, fearing that they are attacking the port. They scream at the ship- "come down here and speak to us you cowards, we can't board your ship without permission but we will call the town guard!" A voice calls from the ship yelling insults at the guards aiming to infuriate them till they board the boat. If any one steps on the gangplank they must succeed on a DC 14 Dexterity save or fall into the water, as they do the ship dissapears and it's revealed that the entire ship is a major illusion cast by three giggling wizards who run away from one of the neighboring piers. [dweeb_bush]
The Question - There's a metallic ship floating in the water. From it you hear loud beeping, chirping, and whirring noises coming from it and it's attracted a large crowd of 3d10 townsfolk, who are fearfully inspecting the ship. As you approach closer you begin to hear a voice in all the artificial noises. You hear it asking thousands of questions, in thousands of voices: "who am I?", "why am I here?", "What's that ugly thing over there?", "what is the meaning to life", "Why are there people watching me?", and other creepy remarks that give the idea that the ship is conscious and scared. When the adventurers look into the boat they see a blinking green, light with a swirling marbled texture on it. The light turns red and starts asking questions very specific to the party. Before long it begins speaking in tongues and a flash of blinding light appears. The adventurers make a DC13 constitution save. On a failed save they are blinded for a minute and take 4d4 psychic damage or half as much on a successful save. When the adventurers look again the ship is gone and there is just a small gemstone floating in the water, whispering to the party in tongues that are unintelligible. [dweeb_bush]
The mistake -A small boat that seems to have been renamed fairly recently. The - ake part of the name is in a different calligraphy and color from the rest of the name [Ido97]
The Barnacle - An old weathered gun-ship bearing it's scars from many a battle, but nevertheless being no worse for the wear. Built strong from some ancient hardwoods and it has been well maintained to the best a ship of that age could be. The crew is a rowdy bunch of salty Dawgs that work as hard as they play...and they fight even harder. They may squabble amongst themselves, but don't you dare mess with or insult one of their brotherhood. They have come to port ready to sell their wares, collect their bounty and spend it irresponsibly. All so they can find their next mission and do it all over again. [gothic03]
The Bauntoo - A strange ramshackle ship occupied by amphibious humanoids that spend near their entire lives out at sea, trade in weird cool stuff they've found deep diving into cool underwater locations like ocean ruins, and wont be at port for long. [Swerve-Bro]
The Leviathan - A huge ship listing hard to one side, its mast broken halfway up and the sails drooping to the deck. All of the wood is dark brown, slimy and rotting out. It looks like someone pulled a shipwreck from the bottom of the sea and it remained afloat by some miracle. If the party inspects the ship, they will find it has already been thoroughly looted and all that remains of the crew are skeletons. (Whether the skeletons are animated or not is up to you). The dock guards will tell you that a huge fog rolled in last night and this ship was there when the fog lifted. [painterinsomniac]
The Menagerie - A decent sized merchant ship, this one is run by all sorts of different creatures though none are humanoid. This ship was originally a travelling circus showing off all manner of awakened animals who were kept captive. The animals are quite amiable and will offer carry passengers in exchange for assistance selling their goods in markets. [painterinsomniac]
The Coffin - A casket-shaped ship that contains the body of a 21-ft giant. The top of the casket has been fitted with sails and rigging and is manned by a crew of humans who tell the party that the giant hired them before his death. He always wanted to sail around the world, so half of all his treasures would be given to the crew who sailed him around the world. The money is to be awarded upon the crews return to the giant's family home, and the crew must have an artefact from each land to prove their voyage complete to the family and get their loot. Of course, the crew isn't bothering with actually sailing around the world - they're content to just make port for a year and trade people for ancestral trinkets so they can return to the land of giants in a year and take their massive loot. They've been given a hefty advance to cover the cost of their long voyage, so money is no object. Adventurers can sell their items if the item is from a distinct background (eg a Dwarven Warhammer, an Elven scroll of healing, etc). [Anceaus]
The Lighthouse - This ship is captained by a young cowardly wizard and an equally nervous-looking crew of young human men. Atop the central mast is a large lighthouse light, which the owner uses to keep other ships far away from him while at sea so as to avoid any trouble. If approached, the captain will immediately begin grovelling and handing over loot at the sight of the party's weapons, offering them any onboard services he can think of for his crew to do for them (shoeshines, blade sharpening, armour mending).Turns out it's all an act - the captain is actually a conniving trickster who transports and deals in Light Blue Light, a magical drug that induces paranoia/twitchy behaviour but grants a 1d6 bonus to Strength for a period of 1 hour. [Anceaus]
The Nest - A vaguely ship-shaped bramble of collected branches and tar, this vessel doesn't look like it should even float, much less sail. It's run completely by Kenku's. They love to collect shiny objects and every nook and cranny of the nest is filled with glittering pieces of treasure and trinkets, among which are a range of magical items.Anything can be bought for a price, but what they especially want is for the adventurers to help them get a shiny old chalice that they've spotted beneath the waters of the harbour - they aren't big swimmers. [Anceaus]
The Half-Pint - An average looking, 2nd-rate ship run exclusively by halflings and gnomes. The crew are rolling a large number of barrels off the ship. A DC 13 Investigation Check will uncover that the Half-Pint has almost twice as many decks as a regular ship of that size and the diminutive crew use the extra space to smuggle illegal magical ale that has explosive side effects. If approached, the first mate (a scruffy gnome named Sebastiano who trusts people a little too easily considering his trade) will ask the party if they are 'for hire' or just want a cask.If the party is looking to buy, refer to the http://dndspeak.com/2017/12/100-random-potion-effects/ to determine what effect their beer has.If they're interested in the job, he would have them guard a supply wagon transporting contraband IPA to an old wizard who lives in an ivory tower in the nearby forest for a sum of 25gp each. What the party doesn't know is that the wizard is in the process of transitioning into a Lich, and the beer is the magical conduit by which he has been transforming. The wizard has the stats of a Revenant if the party chooses to fight him. If an unconscious creature drinks the illegal beer, they will be revived and become Undead. [Anceaus]
The "Blu Moon" - A two masted Caravel. An ocean going merchant ship, that has recently been damaged by pirates, but escaped because they dumped all cargo overboard. The ship is being repaired and expected to be ready in two days. The captain, Quintus "Full" Moon, already has agreed to transport 24 bales of dyed fabric to [INSERT DESTINATION] but is now looking for some more cargo for the same destination. The rest of the crew is: first mate Eldan Wind (m half-elf), bosun Karrla (f half-orc), helmsman Olfie Re (f half-elf), cook Carlin Zwiet (f gnome), and four human sailors: Frenk(m), Ra(f), Tjoris(m) en Huub(m). Huub is a 12 year old boy on his first trip. [Jeeve65]
The Leatherback - A merchant ship from a faraway land. It is made of a beautiful reddish wood and adorned with many colorful flags. About half the crew is made up of tortles and the other half consists of various other races they picked up on their travels. They are very friendly people and will happily buy you a drink or two in exchange for stories of your adventures or of the places and cultures you’ve experienced. If they take a liking to you they're even willing to give you free passage to wherever you'd like to travel... as long as that place happens to be the next port along their voyage. [TheMightyLoaf]
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Album of the Year #20: Lil B - The Hunchback of BasedGod

(Note: This review exceeds Reddit’s 40,000 character limit for text posts so three additional comments are posted in this thread with the rest of the review. Sorting comments by “old” will bring them up for you in order.)

EPISODE I: THE HUNCHED BACK MENACE

Welcome to Old BasedWorld
Hurried crowds, sparse synths and ringing cathedral bells in the streets of Old BasedWorld set the scene for our journey. High above the town in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, a young man with a hunched back dreams of a brighter tomorrow.

Staring Out My Window
“The only way you could really feel this pain is from the BasedGod” – From this opening line along with the somber instrumental accompanying it Lil B makes it clear that this project will be different from the hyphy material he’d been releasing since Black Ken. The BasedGod’s stirring musical backdrop allows Brandon to reminisce on the times he spent as a troubled youth staring out the windows of Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral (as pictured on the album cover), dreaming of a normal life with the rest of the citizens across the bridge in ~~San Francisco~~ New BasedWorld.

The Many Sides of a Genius
Using a compilation of voicemails taken directly from Old BasedWorld’s only working phone, Lil B uses these messages to convey his own message. The people leaving these voicemails were clearly important people in Brandon’s life and, one could say, are some of the “sides of genius” that helped him develop into the man he is today. It continues the album’s narrative of a brilliant soul whose talent and ambition are unnoticed by the outside world, with only those who are closest to him recognizing the genius within.

Ain’t Gon Pick Up
One of the people leaving a voicemail on “The Many Sides of a Genius” mentioned how Lil B never picks up his phone, so it’s only appropriate that the next song has B discussing why he chooses not to answer the phone in Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral. It also ties back in to the theme of unrecognized talent, with Brandon stating in the chorus “I ain’t gon pick up, nobody gives a fuck so I don’t give a fuck”. References to stomach pains and Crohn’s disease further highlight how B is feeling “sick to [his] stomach” of being disrespected: by the end of the song, the listener fully understands why Lil B wouldn’t be interested in picking up his phone.

Hunchback of BasedGod
One of the album’s great conceptual triumphs. Lil B states from the jump that this song is meant to be a set of instructions for the Hunchback of BasedGod for his eventual descent from his perch back into the town of Old BasedWorld and beyond. It’s still unclear whether or not Lil B himself is the Hunchback, the BasedGod, the Hunchback of BasedGod, or none of the above: the abstractness allows the listener to form their own perceptions and create their own story. Again, there’s a continuation of themes from the previous songs, with further references to stomach pains and issues of self-worth and meaninglessness coming from Lil B: with so much pain in this world, is it even worth it for the Hunchback to enter society? By the end of the song, Brandon affirms that it is, stating, “Do it and don’t just watch/ Step in the game and have fun/ We all townspeople, we one/”. As such, the Hunchback leaves the cathedral, passing through the cobblestone streets of Old BasedWorld while hushed onlookers stare silently, as he ventures out towards New BasedWorld.

Berkeley San Francisco Its the BasedGod
This song is delivered from the perspective of the Hunchback, as revealed in the first line of the first verse: “I got the hunched back from all the depression”. Themes of struggle from the previous tracks reemerge, but you get the sense that the Hunchback is beginning to build up his self-esteem, boasting how he refuses to conform to the looks and expectations of the other townsfolk. He also seems to have gotten past the lack of recognition that was hindering him on “The Many Sides of a Genius” and “Ain’t Gon Pick Up”, as he proudly exclaims, “Who cares if I’m famous?” This gives the Hunchback the confidence to finally travel across the bridge he so often observed from his cathedral window. The townspeople are stunned: the ~~Golden Gate~~ BasedWorld Bridge had been badly damaged and decayed for decades, with no one daring to cross in the fears that it would collapse. But the Hunchback’s persistence leads him to make it across unscathed.

Outer Mission Music
With his feet firmly set in New BasedWorld, the Hunchback visits the colony of Outer Mission, a tight-knit community of New BasedWorld inhabitants who are unsure of how to react to their visitor. Lil B spends much of this track describing his interactions with the colony’s locals, which include Justin Timberlake, Alex Rodriguez, and Lionel Messi as tribe members. He also manages to make the situation surrounding the identities of his disparate personalities even more confusing, stating, “Lil B, I’ve seen him in public/ Is that the Hunchback of BasedGod, or is that the BasedGod? It’s BasedGod/” Will we ever know the difference?

Wake Up Get High Go Back to Sleep
In spite of a renewed sense of confidence brought upon by his decision to leave his old life behind, not all is perfect in the Hunchback’s mind. On this joint (pun intended) he harkens back to his days in the cathedral, where he would spend his mornings smoking heavy doses of marijuana in order to numb the pain of his seclusion, often to the point of losing consciousness. It’s also worth noting that the only weed that grows naturally in Old BasedWorld is mids, so the Hunchback would need to smoke a significant amount to achieve the desired effect.

Video Game That I Still Play
The irony in the title of this song is that the “video game” the BasedGod is referencing here is in fact a metaphor for his own life’s journey. As he so aptly states during the chorus: “My life is like a video game/ It’s been so weird, but I still play”. The fact of the matter is, Lil B could have chosen to rage quit this game of life long ago, but his perseverance has brought him to a new place of inner peace within the confines of New BasedWorld, even if the townsfolk are still unsure of how to respond to their new neighbor.

I Rather Die Then Go Home
At the end of the previous song, the Hunchback makes reference to an incident where he visited the Café Au Coquelet, a boutique restaurant in New BasedWorld. Upon his arrival, he received a similar reaction to those he used to receive in his homeland: “I go to restaurants, people stop smiling”. While some of the townspeople have begun to appreciate his presence, many of the other New BasedWorld residents still recognize his outsider status and continue to shun him as a result. This song is B’s response, with a firm affirmation that he would rather die than have to go back to the life of isolation he led in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, where he wasn’t really living life to begin with. That said, the song’s mistitling of based comrade The-Dream’s original line of “I’d rather die than go home” as “I rather die then go home” leaves the Hunchback’s true intentions up for interpretation.

Crying in the Club
After finishing a five-course meal at the boutique, B ventures out to the party district of New BasedWorld, where he surprisingly gets admitted to one of the most exclusive night clubs in the land. As he observes the scene, the crushing reality of the differences between himself and the other clubgoers becomes apparent. A single tear is shed, followed by another, and another, until the BasedGod is in a state of full-blown emotional distress. In spite of his condition, he makes it known that he isn’t ashamed of wearing his heart on his sleeve, openly admitting in the chorus: “I don’t really care if I hurt myself, I don’t really care who sees”. This unyielding display of raw emotion brings the music and dancing to a halt. All eyes are now fixated on the strange being with the tear-stained T-shirt and the disfigured spine. He lets out a desperate plea: “I just want a hug…” To the surprise of the Hunchback, the residents of New BasedWorld collectively embrace him, looking past his outer deformities to recognize the beautiful soul that exists within. Historians would later acknowledge this moment as the primary catalyst for the BasedWorld Revolution™.

EPISODE II: THE COLD WARS

Voyage to Berkeley California
Meanwhile, down in the town of Old BasedWorld, the townsfolk slept restlessly, their dreams invaded by shadowy fake based figures digging away at their souls. Every day, people would wake and stare at the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Why was the Hunchback not ringing the bells that had kept the evil spirits of the fake based realm out of their lives? It was then they realized that the Hunchback had crossed the sacred bridge and ventured to New BasedWorld. Frantic to reconcile with the gatekeeper they had long taken for granted, a group of the townspeople decide to bravely seek out the BasedGod in the hopes that he will return. However, they recognize that crossing the BasedWorld Bridge is something no mortal man is capable of doing and living to tell the tale. Using a secret map rumored to have been drawn up by Captain 66 himself, a group of citizens board a modest ship to cross the ~~San Francisco~~ BasedWorld Bay on a warm summer’s eve. Will they survive? Only time will tell.

Across the Sea
And here, ladies and gentlemen, we are presented with the greatest plot twist this side of the Fingerpoke of Doom: It turns out Lil B is not actually the Hunchback and/or the BasedGod after all.

Perhaps we should have known all along...

Indeed, unbeknownst to the townspeople (who themselves had just assumed all three entities were combined as one person), Lil B has remained in BasedWorld all along in disguise. About halfway into their journey across the Bay, Lil B’s resentment towards his shipmates and their longing for the Hunchback’s return gets the best of him, and the violent persona exhibited on tracks like “Murder Rate” and “Domestic Violence Case” overtakes Lil B’s natural pacifist tendencies. In a fit of rage, he attacks them, “knocking them off the boat” into the shark-infested waters and keeping all of the remaining LifeVests to himself. B himself recognizes the consequences of his actions, ending the song by saying, “This darkness… It’s scary.” Nonetheless, he refuses to be stopped in his mission to visit New BasedWorld and confront the Hunchback all on his own.

Where Is the Potion
Having arrived on the shores of New BasedWorld, Lil B ventures into town. Knowing that the only way to find the elusive Hunchback is through the townspeople who may have caught a glimpse of him, he travels to the aforementioned nightclub, with floors still drenched in the BasedGod’s tears from earlier, asking, “Where is the potion?” The response he’s given comes in the form of several bottles of liquor, which quickly dispel any notions of anxiety or self-doubt that may have stopped Lil B from completing his mission. A few of the club’s premium members willingly show him the spots around town where they had spotted the Hunchback, but any further clues of his whereabouts are hard to come by. Before they know it, they find themselves at one of the many riverbanks in New BasedWorld, where a celebration of the BasedGod’s glory is in full swing.

Riverdance
This instrumental is what Lil B and the clubgoers heard as they made their way to the bank of the river. Speaking with more of the natives, Lil B learns more of the Hunchback’s travels and experiences in New BasedWorld and begins to put the pieces together in his mind for where the BasedGod may be headed next.

Wolves and Snakes
As Lil B continues to plot his course, the BasedGod, who has just finished eating a salad on his way to the colony of Chaddick, senses a disturbance in the Based Force, feeling as though him and his hunched back may be in grave danger. He ponders on the wolves and the snakes that he was forced to deal with in his past life and reflects on the growth he’s experienced since leaving the dreaded, darkened halls of the Cathedral. In spite of this, he can’t help but shake the feeling that, like in the proverbial rear-view mirror, one of these wolves and/or snakes may be closer than they appear…

Meeting on UC Berkeley Campus Today
Undeterred, the Hunchback makes his way to UC Berkeley, New BasedWorld’s sole institution of higher learning. After giving a spirited 90 minute lecture on the power of positivity (modeled after previous lectures at such high class institutions as NYU,Carnegie Mellon and Princeton), the BasedGod is greeted by a mass of adoring students at the university. The male students beg for the BasedGod to fuck their bitches, and said bitches are more than willing to oblige. In a grand spectacle, the Hunchback has consensual sex with all 1,000 of the college’s female attendees while this instrumental blares out of speakers across the campus, being awarded with a trophy as a result of his success.

Artistic or Autistic
Elsewhere in New BasedWorld, Lil B attempts to strategize his next move. However, planning the escapade is made difficult thanks to B’s second most potent Internet distraction after his Twitter feed: Reddit. Going through a series of faked based comments on the hiphopheads subreddit, Lil B is particularly struck by a comment suggesting that he may in fact be suffering from the neurological disorder autism. The assertion is an eye-opening moment for him: after all, the elevated levels of lead found in Old BasedWorld’s drinking water had been a concern amongst the town’s scientists for years, and his own behaviors and thought patterns seemed to align relatively well with the common symptoms of the condition. After a brief moment of solemnity, Lil B realizes that his immaculate catalog of music has been made possible because of who he is, and if he is autistic, it is an essential component of his artistic output. This song is the result of this revelation.

Free 03
Our story continues as the BasedGod chooses to use his newfound fame and glory to give back to the New BasedWorld community. He begins volunteering at the New BasedWorld Penitentiary, espousing his worldview and giving advice to the inmates on how to make positive contributions to society after they have served their time. One particular inmate catches his eye: a fellow hip hop artist named 03 Greedo, who was arrested a few years earlier in a drug trafficking scheme. The Hunchback’s conversations with the young man have a profound impact on him, and in the weeks and months to come, Greedo becomes the model prisoner for other inmates to aspire to be, with intentions of joining the ministry upon his release. The BasedGod, proud of what he was able to accomplish, promises to dedicate a song on his new 50 song mixtape to Greedo.

Rhode Island
Rhode Island, officially the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, is a state in the New England region of the northeastern United States. It is the smallest U.S. state by area, the seventh least populous, but is also the second most densely populated. Rhode Island is bordered by Connecticut to the west, Massachusetts to the north and east, and the Atlantic Ocean to the south via Rhode Island Sound and Block Island Sound. It also shares a small maritime border with New York. Providence is the state capital and most populous city in Rhode Island.

As Rhode Island is located on the opposite side of the continent from Old and New BasedWorld, it has nothing to do with this story other than this brief mention of its existence.

I’m Depressed Again
While the Hunchback is continuing to make great strides in improving the lives of the people in New BasedWorld, he continues to be fazed by an ever-growing sense of something troubling being on the horizon. A dark evil is emerging that he cannot foresee, and he worries that by the time he learns what this evil may be, it will be too late. This sends the BasedGod back into a spiraling depression, one not felt since the last day he had spent alone in the cathedral. He warns his closest confidants of the impending doom, saying, “Real talk… Feel it through your heart. Feel it through the spirit. You can feel it through the dark, cold as ever.”

Café Au Coquelet
At the same time as the Hunchback is experiencing this sense of dread, Lil B has made his way to Café Au Coquelet, one of the first spots in New BasedWorld that was graced by the power and the glory of the BasedGod. Lil B immediately detects the Hunchback’s prior presence in the vicinity: all of the restaurant’s guests are acting unusually positive and based towards one another, and the only dish that anyone has ordered over the past week has been the clams casino. Lil B also recognizes that the music playing in the background of the restaurant (the instrumental that is this song) was created by the BasedGod. Enraged, he stands up on the restaurant tables and begins to lambast the townsfolk for having fallen for the lies and deceit of a false prophet. He dictates a new philosophy, beginning by disposing of the food everybody has already ordered and teaching them how to cook for themselves. Before long, the entire restaurant is cooking to “Like a Martian”. A growing sect of New BasedWorld begins to emerge in objection to the Hunchback’s teachings, with Lil B and the swag movement as their new leader.

Downtown Berkeley Protest
Back in the colony of Berkeley, the BasedGod is gathering his followers together for a celebration of optimism and goodwill unto others. His new instrumental track plays as the Hunchback’s followers enjoy the festivities. It is at this moment that the BasedGod feels a searing pain encompass his entire being, and he recognizes that this is the moment he has been fearing for the past few weeks: the evil has arrived. A mass of residents from the other New BasedWorld colonies have descended upon the party with torches and handguns. Dressed in pink shirts, tiny pants and Vans sneakers, they march to the center of the crowd in unison, yelling nonsensical phrases such as “Figaro!” and “Martha Stewart!” as the frightened followers of the Hunchback look on. At the front of the mob is the leader, the enigmatic Lil B. He flashes a slight smile at the BasedGod, who stares directly back into the eyes of his former student. As the crowd of pretty residents begin to hurl insults and grievances towards the based residents, Lil B raises one hand, and the noise stops. Then, he begins to walk away. B’s worshipers follow him out of the city square in silent unison. Many of the Hunchback’s flock wonder if this is the end of the madness. However, the BasedGod knows deep down inside that this is just the beginning.

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE BITCH

Bring the BasedGod and Lil B Gifts
This is a Cold War, and we know what each side is fighting for. The New BasedWorld citizens have been divided into an even split, with half of the townsfolk (now calling themselves the “Task Force”) following the ways of the Hunchback and the other half (now calling themselves the “Bitch Mob”) committing themselves to the teachings of Lil B. In a frantic attempt to prove the superiority of one leader over the other, the townspeople begin to bestow luxurious gifts and rewards upon their idols in an attempt to make one appear more grandiose than the other. Lil B relishes in his newfound fame, gladly accepting a plethora of PlayStation 2 and Xbox 360 games from his fans, along with a fully registered copy of FL Studio to allow him to produce beats on the same level as the BasedGod. Meanwhile, on the other side of the village, the Hunchback seems uncomfortable embracing his new role as a worshipped deity. Having become accustomed to people ignoring him or being flat-out disgusted by his appearance, the adjustment to now becoming the leader of thousands of men is one that is not made easily.

Body Shaming
The opposing sides of New BasedWorld’s population quickly transition from honoring their respective leaders to creating smear campaigns against the opposition. One of the Bitch Mob’s most talented computer hackers manages to secure nude photographs of the Hunchback and distribute them online, highlighting the embarrassing weight gain that the BasedGod has endured over the past 5 years. The Hunchback is at first distraught upon hearing the news: “Why are they body shaming me? Why would they say all these mean things?” It is only when the BasedGod taps into his creamy center, where all the gooey happy-lovin' goo sits that allows him to be the nicest, most compassionate person he’s ever been, that he’s able to let the world know that he will not fall down so easy. He releases this song on his MySpace as a rebuttal, saying, “There's no reason to bully people and make fun of folks”. The Task Force immediately lauds the song as the perfect response to the scandal, while the Bitch Mob lashes out at the lack of trap drums and celebrity-based adlibs.

Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap
“So self-conscious, you feel me?”: Despite the approval of his comrades, the BasedGod is unable to shake the ever-persistent sense of self-hatred that is being exacerbated by the actions of the Bitch Mob. He feels his mind regressing to a prior state of fear and insecurity akin to that of his days spent in isolation in the Cathedral. Deep inside, the Hunchback finds himself in the midst of an existential crisis: how can one speak on the benefits of positivity and self-love when one does not truly love thyself? What would the consequences be of allowing this negativity to manifest itself in real time? Surely, an admission of hopelessness would spell defeat for the Task Force, allowing Lil B and his army of pretty townsfolk to rule the land for all eternity. But it would also be hypocritical for the BasedGod to continue to preach the Gospel of Based when his mind is not in a based state of being. In a move that would prove to be one of the most shocking of the Cold War, the Hunchback gathers his followers in the town square to announce that he will be taking an oath of silence until peace can be found between the two factions of New BasedWorld, capping off his decree with the debut of his ‘final’ song, “Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap”. The crowd gasps and devolves into hysteria, with thousands pleading for the Hunchback to reconsider, rightly worried over what would become of the based movement without the voice of its sole originator. But the BasedGod is persistent. He silently walks through the crowd, hugging each of his based brethren (and consensually face-fucking some of the females) before departing, possibly for good. Some time after midnight, he successfully crosses the Based Bridge and returns to Old BasedWorld, making his way back to the Cathedral without a single soul noticing his presence. He travels to the deepest, darkest depths of the Cathedral’s caverns, located miles beneath the Earth’s surface, where he begins an indefinite period of contemplation and meditation. This sequence of events would prove to be a milestone of the BasedWorld Revolution™, and would be forever immortalized in the cover art for the Where Did the Sun Go? mixtape.

Intermission
It was a bad time for both Old and New BasedWorld. The Hunchback just stayed inside his Cathedral and he never came out. People said his brain was infected by fake based devils. The Task Force hurt the most of all: without their leader, they crumbled and succumbed to the will of the Bitch Mob. Lil B’s tyrannical rise to power was all but complete. In the months that followed, he would expand his territorial control, conquering the villages of Albany and East Oakland and even sending troops to claim regions of land as far away as Hawaii and Nepal.

Nearly a full year after the disappearance of the BasedGod, Lil B’s armies waged war on Old BasedWorld. The BasedWorld Bridge was destroyed, leaving Lil B and his followers (who controlled the naval fleets) as the only ones who had access to both sides of the territory. After taking most of its citizens hostage and establishing a new structure of government with Lil B at the helm, the Bitch Mob began to formulate its Ultimate ~~Bitch~~ Plan to capture the Hunchback. One night, they rushed the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, setting it ablaze and burning the once-iconic structure to the ground in the hopes of finding the charred body of the BasedGod buried underneath the rubble. When they failed to retrieve the body, the contingent of pretty boys and girls was ordered by Lil B to venture underground, as an ancient prophecy had foretold the Hunchback’s journey to the center of the Earth. Armed with assault rifles of all varieties, they began their descent into the depths of the caverns.

However, the deeper they traveled, the more they became disillusioned by their actions, and the actions of their once-beloved leader Lil B. They did not realize that the closer they got to the Hunchback, the more they were swayed by his righteousness and his way of being. Soon, they were no more than a few hundred yards from locating the BasedGod. It was at this moment that they had a great awakening, recognizing the error of their ways and freeing themselves from the spell that had been placed on them by Lil B. They abandoned their mission, instead choosing to return to the surface without the Hunchback. Lil B, furious at the group’s reluctance to complete their task, began to chastise his former followers, and prepared to issue one of his infamous curses upon them, one which would result in certain death. Having become completely overwhelmed with the guilt and the shame of their exploits as part of Lil B’s army (and also acknowledging the fact that none of them would ever win an NBA championship now without signing to Golden State), they instead turned the guns Lil B had given to them on themselves, committing mass suicide on top of the remains of the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Thousands of Old BasedWorld onlookers stared in paralyzing shock as the sound of hundreds of guns discharged at once. What followed was several hours of silence, as Lil B, covered in the blood of his former troops, coldly stared at the mass of dead bodies, trying his best to process what had just taken place.

EPISODE IV: A NEW HO(PE)

The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bay, most of the former Task Force members still remaining in New BasedWorld have all but accepted their fates, purchasing clothing that is too tight for them to wear comfortably and listening to the government-approved “Cooking Music” playlist on a constant loop. A small contingent of Hunchback loyalists remain, holding private meetings in the basement of the Café Au Coquelet and listening to the “Based Music” playlist in shrouded secrecy. Upon learning that Lil B and a commission of his troops had left to invade Old BasedWorld, the few remaining Task Force members felt it was safe enough to worship the Hunchback out in the open one last time. As most of the Bitch Mob members who had crossed the BasedWorld Bay with Lil B had come from the village of West Berkeley, the BasedGod’s loyal comrades choose the village’s Waterfront area as the gathering place for the ceremony. Unbeknownst to any of the group’s members, the mass suicides in Old BasedWorld were taking place at the exact same time as the celebration in New BasedWorld was commencing. The Task Force members rejoice, harmoniously singing the BasedGod’s favorite songs of worship: “B.O.R. (Birth of Rap)”, “The Age of Information” and “No Black Person Is Ugly” are belted out towards the heavens. Suddenly, the youngest of the Task Force’s members (who goes by the name of u/insabnma) feels a twinge underneath his bare feet. He looks down at the ground and notices that he has stepped on a golden USB drive, encrusted with diamonds and embroidered with the word “BASED” in all caps. The curious group of based boys and girls procure a laptop and, upon plugging the drive in, are amazed to find a .zip folder of 13 unreleased instrumentals credited as being produced by the BasedGod. Even more amazingly, the first song is entitled “The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night”: the exact place and time of day that they are performing their ritual. The Task Force members ecstatically listen to the new music, with several being driven to the point of involuntary orgasm. Throughout the night, word spreads throughout New BasedWorld of the drive’s existence, and suddenly, the followers of the Hunchback have a renewed sense of hope.

Games of Berkeley and Magic Cards
The next evening, thousands of Task Force members, old and new, join together in the town square of Berkeley, the last place that the Hunchback was seen alive. A Task Force party has commenced, with various games being played and the Based Music playlist blasting from the colony’s speakers. As it is nearing midnight, the townspeople are each given a magic life card, rumored to be the same life cards that were discussed in the BasedGod’s legendary philosophical diatribe [“Life on Earth”](). At the stroke of 12, the second of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played, as the crowd enthusiastically chants “Thank You BasedGod” along to the beat. The expectation is that the Hunchback will hear their prayer and reemerge by the end of the song. However, this was not to be the case: the instrumental ends, with the BasedGod nowhere to be found. For a moment, the Task Force is disheartened, wondering if the signs pointing to a return of the Hunchback were too good to be true. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a shooting star flies across the Berkeley sky, the brightest and most brilliant star that anyone in the colony has ever seen. It continues to arc across the northwestern skyline and appears to land in the village of Albany, a formerly based territory which has been overrun with members of the Bitch Mob. The Task Force is again filled with a renewed sense of hope at this discovery, as they courageously follow the signs that could lead them to the Hunchback’s holy ascension.

Walking Through Albany California
Upon arriving in Albany, the Task Force members notice a contingent of Bitch Mob members huddled around a large crater, approximately one mile in diameter. Evidently, this is where the shooting star had landed. One of the senior members of the tribe is examining the star, which, contrary to its once large and brilliant appearance, has been reduced to the size of a small rock. Several Bitch Mob members now make their way into the crater to examine the fallen star. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the once-dead star explodes into thousands of pieces, each piece shooting out towards the heads of a Bitch Mob member (though some less fortunate members wind up getting hit in the balls). When the star touches each member, it instantly uploads the third of the BasedGod’s secret instrumentals directly into their cerebral cortex. The Bitch Mob members are at first displeased at the lack of poorly mixed 808s and rattling hi-hats, but soon after, they begin to comprehend and enjoy the BasedGod’s alternative production style. Once the song has finished, they have all been converted into full-fledged comrades of the Task Force. The Berkeley delegation of Task Force welcomes their new brothers and sisters into the fold, and the group marches on to spread the word of the Hunchback’s return to the other villages.

The Sound of Being Bullied
While this is all occurring in the BasedWorld territories, something else entirely is beginning to unfold in the far away kingdom of Detroit, Michigan. Teejay Witherspoon, the Bitch Mob’s certified rarest hacker, leans back in his chair and slyly grins. His successful exploitation of the BasedGod a year ago has proven to be a major turning point in the young man’s life. His notoriety has allowed him to start a rap career of his own, with several music videos on YouTube having gone viral throughout the past 12 months. His loyalty to the Bitch Mob has been unquestioned, and he has since been promoted to a senior position within the fold. As he clicks his way through a darkweb laundering scheme one evening, he leaves to take a shit and, upon returning to his computer, notices that a mysterious golden USB drive has been plugged into the laptop. Only one file exists on the drive: an audio file entitled “The Sound of Being Bullied.flac”. Teejay curiously loads the file into VLC, and the instant the song begins, he is assaulted with a rush of crushing despair and depression. The title of the song spoke for itself. Teejay is experiencing the totality of the Hunchback’s negative emotions that had been fueled by his prior actions, but even more intensely, and as the emotions begin to amplify, he next notices that his physical being is being affected as well. His body is shaking uncontrollably, his skin is beginning to peel, his eyes are popping out of his skull. After four minutes and seven seconds of agonizing torture, his entire being bursts into flames, unable to handle the power of the BasedGod’s wrath. The song ends.

No Longer Afraid of the Dark
It’s dark. The air is still. The ground is hot. Water drips from the ceiling. The Hunchback, in a deep state of reflection, hasn’t moved a muscle for over 12 months. His shriveled body has been starved of nourishment and exercise, but fortunately, his weight gain has had the positive effect of having enough fat stored to keep him alive. The amount of based energy needed to have maintained this state of being has aged the BasedGod considerably. He has been devoid of almost any sense of perception for at least a few months. A faint glow radiates from his being. He has concentrated his powers to what was thought to be an unattainable degree of positivity. Before his extended withdrawal from society, the negative side of the force was something that the Hunchback struggled to put out of mind. At the level of based he now encompasses, the light of positivity is too grand for the BasedGod to fail. He is no longer afraid of the dark. And that’s because the dark no longer exists. The cavern has been filled with his based radiance. And the Hunchback is almost ready to return and spread this radiance throughout the land.

Nepal Wants the BasedGod
All across BasedWorld, shooting star sightings have been abound, and thousands upon thousands of Bitch Mob members have been converted to Task Force faithful. Even beyond the traditional confines of BasedWorld, rare star sightings have also been seen in the Bitch Mob’s disparate properties. A star lands in the Bitch Mob’s Nepalian expansion territory. After having its people cleansed with the power of the BasedGod’s sixth secret instrumental track, Nepal adopts a new constitution which entails all of its citizens to embrace the Hunchback’s teachings of optimism and self-love.

Taxi Around Town
The streets of Old BasedWorld have been in dire need of repair ever since the Bitch Mob ransacked the colony, but that doesn’t stop Travis, one of the land’s only remaining horse-drawn taxi drivers, from making a buck. One evening, he picks up a mysterious hooded figure in one of the town’s more dangerous districts. The man enters the carriage, greeting the driver with two words: “Hello, Travis.” The driver says nothing. The horses begin their trek through the streets, passing by a row of burning buildings. Travis breaks his silence. “It’s lit,” he says. “The buildings, that is. There’s only a few Bitch Mob members left at this point but they always blow these things up.” The figure feels more comfortable speaking to the driver: “I hear you got the nomination”. It dawns on Travis that this person must be almost exactly one year behind the times: has he ever even heard of Cardi B? Regardless, he plays along. “Straight up. Won’t be long now.” The figure smiles, quipping, “Well, I hope you win.” He then proceeds to remove his hood. Travis looks back and momentarily gasps. His composure returns soon thereafter. Unsure of how to proceed, he attempts to continue the conversation. “I… I read about you in the papers… How are you?” Knowing he’s referring to the suicides, the figure replies, “Oh, it’s nothing new, I got over that.” They sit in silence for the remainder of the ride. Soon, the horses come upon their destination, the edge of the BasedWorld Bay. The figure gets out of the car. Turning to Travis, he asks, “How much was it?” Travis is nearly speechless. He lets out one final Auto-Tuned “So long………..LA FLAME!” and the horses gallop off.

Berkeley California Before Lil B
A massive cleaning project has commenced throughout Berkeley. The townspeople have nearly all been converted to followers of the BasedGod by this point, and in a unanimous vote, the colony’s leaders choose to rid Berkeley of any and all trace of Lil B and his formerly effective propaganda. Murals are whitewashed, statues are torn down, and portraits are removed from public spaces as the eighth of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played on a loop. The many books proclaiming Lil B’s omnipotence are collectively burned to ash in the town square. Even saying the name “Lil B” is punishable by fine of up to $30,000, equivalent to the amount of money Lil B had charged for features (in contrast to the Hunchback’s extremely generous $0.01 minimum fee for a verse). The townspeople are once again a tight-knit unit of based human beings living their best lives. It was just like Berkeley California before Lil B.

[Let's Build] D100 List of River Encounters

The party is coming down a riverside path and what do they come across? Lions? Tigers? Bears? A bathing beauty? Just another helpful list for the next game session.

The loud roar of a waterfall can be heard. Ahead the river opens into a wide pool before pouring over the edge and crashing to the pool below. Only the brave of heart would swim in the pool beneath the waterfall, but they might find geachests stuck there from the less fortunate.

A short section of shallow rapids filled with large boulders and splashing white caps.

From upstream a paper sailboat drifts down the river towards the party. The paper carries a short wish written by a child on the sail.

A deep and gently flowing section of the river is surprisingly clear and cool as if it came directly from a spring. Plenty of fish are seen swimming in the water.

The width of the river is spanned by an old fallen tree. On one side the roots are uprooted and a gaping hole is left where they were ripped out of the ground. The trunk is thick and will support even the heaviest adventurer although it might be slippery.

A heavy tangle of driftwood is caught on a large rock after a section of rapids. A young wolf can be seen desperately clinging to the rock and unable to pull itself up. The wolf will loyally follow anyone who saves it and treats it well.

Several halfling fisherman stand on the edge of shore, smoking pipes and discussing their wives as they fish. They will give the party a wave but are not too interested in company.

In the middle of the river, a big brown bear stands with her cubs teaching them how to fish.

A stone statue of a maiden carrying a basket of clothes stands on the edge of the river. The base of the statue is now in the river, indicating it has been there for some time yet.

Whooping and hollering gets louder as you see a wooden raft careening down the river. A group of teenaged human and half-orc boys are on top and having the time of their lives. They are drunk off of a stash they found in a hermit's house a little further up. If the party does nothing, they will hear rumor at the next town how one of the boys fell off of the raft somewhere along the way and hasn't been seen since.

A rusted 11ft iron golem kneels in the shallows among the reeds. If spoken to, he will slowly turn his head but he is too rusted to move any further. Like all other iron golems, he cannot speak.

A duck and her 6 little ducklings waddle across the road and into the bushes.

The area along the road becomes swampy and the road turns to mud. If they are travelling with a cart this will significantly slow their travel time.

On a tree by the river side there is a large lily-pad tacked to the tree with a crudely hammered in nail. The lily-pad has been written on in dried mud. "Wanted: Bubba Gomp. Dead or Skinned. Crime: murderer of my entire family. Reward: 10000gold" (Bubba Gomp is the local owner of a soul food restaurant and is famous for his fried catfish dishes. The poster of the bounty is a giant sentient catfish who convinced a kid to write the note for him.)

The water here is particularly calm and the plant life is lush and blooming. If the PC's attempt to drink from or enter the water then a water elemental will rise up and request they move on. Will fight if offended by bathing in the water or other such offenses.

You come across an old man bathing in the warm waters. He has curly graying hair and a portly belly. The man's name is Jenkins and he is more than happy to chat about their travels… all without putting on his clothes.

A young boy skipping rocks across the water. He is wearing dark black clothes and his eyes are rimmed with soot like makeup. No matter what you say to him he will insist you don't understand.

A large paddleboat with a casino on board is docked on the riverside. A large sign reads "Come aboard for a good time!" The ship has many beautiful ladies wandering the casino floor to entertain the guests.

You enter a swamp that stinks to high heaven. The bogs here are deep and dangerous and there are numerous wooden signs warning to stay on the path.

A Gator Lizard-folk couple flags the party down and requests assistance putting the wheel back on their cart. They are extremely friendly and pay the party well for their help. After helping them, they will invite the party back to their home for dinner.

A herd of water bison have stirred up the water here. Some of the hefty beasts are grazing peacefully on the shores while others lie in the water cooling off.

A strange form lies on the muddy bank of the river. It's an unconscious peasant woman who has deep purple bruises around her neck as if someone tried to strangle her. She is barely alive and is in danger of drowning if left this close to the water much longer. When she regains consciousness she will tell the party that the last thing she saw was the nobleman who she had been having relations with, trying to strangle her and then getting tossed into the river. Lucky for her he wasn't too thorough.

An overturned canoe drifting downriver. None of its passengers are anywhere in sight.

A thick fog settles over the road and everything goes quiet. The only sound is that of the river rushing past. When the fog clears the river has overflown its banks and is continuing to rise towards the party at a rapid rate. Now would be a good time to get out of here.

There is a modest farm on the riverbank. Two men live happily here, content in their worship of the harvest goddess and tending to their plants and animals. They are both level 15 druids, one human and one half-orc.

An adult to ancient dragon is drinking/eating fish from the stream it will not pay any heed or speak to the party other than looking their way for a moment and then moving on ( shadowxdancer17)
Underneath a shady tree sits a man with his arms resting on his knees. He has a heavy five-o'clock shadow and a mostly empty glass bottle in one hand. He is knocked out cold, having drunk himself to sleep. There is no money left in his pockets. In fact there's only a note detailing his tab at the local tavern.
There's something shiny glittering on the opposite bank of the river. A lot of it in fact… It turns out to be fool's gold.
A large group of crows scatter from the road ahead with loud caws.
Thunderous hoofbeats come up the path towards you. The horse gives a loud whinny as it's black cloaked rider reins it in hard in front of you. The man doesn't reveal his face but asks the party if they have seen a red and gold carriage pass this way. If given correct information he will tip a few silvers.
(world_of_ideas [31-42])
Alligators are sunning themselves on the banks of the river. If the PCs don't bother them, the alligators wont bother them.
Bridge of (rope, stone, wood) spans the river. Someone (humanoid, monster) is collecting tolls from anyone who wants to cross.
Bridge of (rope, stone, wood) spans the river. The bridge is damaged by (age, deliberate sabotage, neglect, recent flooding, rot). Attempts to cross risk (falling through, partial bridge collapse, total bridge collapse).
Flood. The waters of the river are starting to rise above the banks.
Funeral lanterns are floating down the river from a nearby town.
Humanoids are collecting clay from the river banks
Humanoids are constructing an aqueduct
Humanoids are gathering water from the river
Humanoids are washing clothing in the river
Otters are building a dam.
There is a ferryman's barge. For a few coins he will take the PCs across the river.
There is a mill with a waterwheel.

(badlions [43-46])

A family of River trolls hunting/fishing/playing.
A abandoned lumber camp... Why was it abandoned?
Do you smell smoke? It a forest fire you are caught between a fire and a wide deep slow river.
Is that a river punt up river? Do you see anyone in it? What that glint on it?
(fistsofiore [47-49])
River Pirates! These bumbling goblins have a small-masted boat that tows an even smaller oar boat. Both vessels are so laden with goblins and their spoils that they're taking on a bit of water, which doesn't stop them from trying to rob the party!
A man and his pregnant wife, who rides their mule, trying to find a spot shallow enough to cross the river. The woman will share their bread and dried fish if the party gives them information on where to cross. Helping them cross will earn a gold and a few silver or the trouble. "It isn't much, but it's all we can spare with the baby on the way."
A flotilla of River Elves travelling upstream to an annual ritual that their wood elf brethren hold. A barrel of sea water is being transported to the sacred site, representing their part in the water cycle.
(The_Real_Gingasnappa [50-52])
A ferryman similar in description to Charon, the ferryman of the river Styx. He speaks in malicious tones, offering to let them cross the river on his boat for a toll. He even offers to let the party pet his dog Cerebus. Nothing suspicious, genuinely just a nice old man. But he does everything in extremely suspicious manners.
The river warps and twists it's water into the shape of a malevolent face, it raises two crudely shaped hands and prepares to engage in battle! (It turns out to be a local Aquamancer practicing their magic. He even tags in halfway through the battle because he loses control of the elemental.)
-Oh no! The Mahi Crabs are migrating again! Driven by their natural desire to reproduce, the sulfur encrusted males reproduce and then fling themselves out of the water, attacking any creature in their territory. The biggest problem is that these tiny crabs explode! After being exposed to air the pop in a sulfurous explosion!
(git777 [53-57])
Dire Beavers building a dam causing the River basin to flood.
A tiny boat with 3 people from a previously uncontacted tribe on a scouting quest.
A djinn commanding hill giants to pan for gold
Basket floats down stream with a child in it. The child is a powerful sorcerer but can't yet control the power.
A bullywug greets the party and explains he is a cursed prince, if they help him break the curse he promises them riches. They will need to find a maiden to fall in love with him, who then also falls in love with him through true love's kiss. This is all a con, there is no money to reward them with, he is just a bullywug con man with a kink for human/elf girls. He will keep spending the parties cash if they allow him and never repay them.

Lost my life and my will to live.

My name is Sam. I'm 24 years old and on September 1st, 2014 my girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me and I've never been the same since. Now I get it, this happens to everyone and nobody likes it right? Well yeah it does, but every case is different and people deal with it and react to it differently. Here you will find my personal story and why this experience has cut me so deeply.
It all starts as far back as when I was 7 years old. In grade 2, I was just like any normal kid, I was energetic, mischievous and generally a happy little boy. I have memories of me playing around and making jokes and doing silly things with girls and boys alike. I enjoyed the attention and being accepted in that way made me happy. Come Grade 3 and a lot of things change. Around this time, my situation at home wasn't the greatest. My dad was angry, my parents would yell, fight, and argue right in front of me and my dad would take a lot of his frustrations out on me. I distinctly remember being fearful of my dad because I knew the next physical attack on me could be at any moment. He would hit me with belts...we had a lot of them around the house. The flick of his wrist was enough to make me bleed. I remember going around the house and hiding every belt I could find so he couldn't use them on me…not that it made a difference. Being pulled up by the ear and thrown into a wall is just as painful really.
So I’m afraid of my dad at home, I listen to my parents argue all the time and I try to lock myself in my room hoping that my dad cant find a key to unlock it. At school, I find that I’m thrust into a classroom where I know nobody from my previous year and I’m left to fend for myself. I don’t cope particularly well. I’m mostly a loner in class and I just keep to myself. I did actually make one friend. His name was Aaron. This friend meant a lot to me, he was my only ally in and out of class and he would often bring lunch money to school with him whereas I always brought my own lunchbox. This was cool because from time to time he would offer to buy me an ice cream with his spare money, and me being the little kid that I was, that was an amazing offer. The problem, however, is that he would always be the one paying for me. Eventually it got to the point where he grew a dislike for me saying “oh I see your just using me for my money”. Of course, I felt guilty for ‘taking his money’ but it really wasn't my intention. I could never repay the favour because I never had money with me and even if I did, I was too shy and nervous to buy one anyway! Our friendship broke and I was alone. I became increasingly anxious around people and retreated inward. I’m sure my home situation had something to do with these feelings as well.
So I go through most of my primary school life feeling really out of place and awkward. I met a couple of good friends (that are still my friends today) but the social anxiety just grew stronger and stronger. In 2003 I started high school. The higher demand of responsibility that came with high school was not something I welcomed. People around me were maturing, becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient but I stayed the same. I was still that scared little kid inside that had their mum make lunch for me every morning. I really felt like I did not belong even more and me being overweight certainly didn't help – especially when it came to Phys Ed. I hated this class. It was headed up by an old-school sociopathic Asian dictator that used fear as a tool to deter students from misbehaving in his class. I would always be late to class because we had to get changed in the change rooms before coming in and…in these change rooms I was bullied. People would kick my door in while I was changing, lock me inside and whatever else they could do to make my life miserable. I was already a nervous wreck in a normal class room but Phys Ed change rooms were hell.
Of course, my lovely Phys Ed teacher would use his cruel tactic to single me out in front of everyone for being late to class and would get me to stand up holding my heavy bag while everyone else would sit down and watch me. On the off chance I wasn’t late to class, I sucked at sports anyway and the idea of playing in a ‘team sport’ out on the field (sometimes shirtless) where you demonstrated your physical strengths and qualities was basically my worst nightmare. I despised this class.
Luckily, the bullying didn't last long. Some of them left the school and I guess the others just found some new targets to harass. I managed to cope though. I started up an online MMORPG that was totally awesome. I’ve always been a smart guy and this game rewarded intelligence and perseverance and being in an ONLINE gaming environment back in 2003 was the most amazing thing in the world. It was the one thing I looked forward to doing each day. I was exceedingly good at it and I found a lot of self-worth and satisfaction through playing this game. I played it constantly every day after school. It was my escape.
With this coping mechanism though, came a dependence. I didn’t go to school excursions, the river cruise, the school ball. I didn’t make new friends male or female, I didn’t hang out after school, and I was still an anxious mess in any scenario that anyone my age would find completely normal. And when I say anxious, I mean “I feel like I’m going to vomit, I’m shaking and I cant speak” type of anxious…and this would occur simply by the thought of having to buy something from the lunch lady. Clearly I was not normal and did not fit in. I knew that, I had accepted it would always be this way and I was fine with it because I had this game that made me happy so who cares right? Besides, on the outside I managed to fake my way through pretty well, I definitely hid my anxiety quite well even though I was dying inside.
High school ends in 2007. Best day ever right? Well yeah it was! No more Phys Ed, no more in-class essays or speeches. In my mind this meant I could play this MMORPG all day every day and I wouldn’t have to be afraid of anything anymore. So that’s what I did. I played the game at least 12 hours a day for an entire year, I pretty much didn’t leave the house unless I absolutely had to. Throughout the year, my mum would express concern that I was getting overweight, pale skinned and all that kind of stuff and my dad would call me lazy and tell me to study something or get a job. He had no idea that the thought of either one of those was like signing a death warrant to me, he just perceived it as laziness.
So after that year passes, I am pretty much forced to do something by my parents and I sort of start to acknowledge that my current lifestyle cannot possibly last forever. I study a double major in Mathematics and Computer Science. I’m good at both subjects, always have been. I got the top student award for Calculus for my year group and I've been playing games/using computers since as far back as I can remember! I am not good at socializing however, I am still that scared little boy inside. I don’t have my drivers licence and I have no idea how to take a train or a bus. My mum would pick me up and drop me off at uni. If she couldn’t take me for some reason then I would simply skip class. The idea of getting there myself was not an option to consider. Actually scratch that. I just stopped going to class altogether. What was the point? Most lectures were recorded and posted online and for those that weren’t, I had google to learn from. I’m smart enough to make my way through my classes this way and it saves me on travel time/money, it doesn’t inconvenience my mum and I don’t have to put myself in an anxiety provoking environment. Sounds like win-win-win to me. I went through my whole course this way, I never made an acquaintance, let-alone a friend.
My whole life story changes drastically near the end of 2011. At this point I’ve played this MMORPG for at least 8 years, and its actually starting to get boring. I push the games limits by hacking/exploiting it in an attempt to keep the game interesting but I eventually get caught and all my accounts are banned permanently. I lose EVERYTHING. Honestly, I didn’t even really care. The game was boring anyway. The thing I didn’t expect though was that I suddenly had SO MUCH time on my hands and I had nothing to fill it with. I was bored out of my mind. I started spending all day on my laptop learning new things and new skills just for the sake of it. I taught myself the piano, learnt about human psychology and medication, physics, new programming techniques, random nature facts, nutrition, exercise routines. I even had a phase where I learned about all the infamous serial killers of the past.
It really hit home though when I started reading about university/college life and how most people say its one of the best times of their lives. Its where people make fun memories, lifelong friends, have awesome parties with people, meet their potential life partners and what not. I didn’t do any of that…hell I didn’t know where the library was. It was a wake-up call. “You are different from everyone else. You have not experienced life, you don’t fit in and you are nobody”. I fell into a very deep depression. I wanted to kill myself, I had nothing to live for and any attempt at change was blocked by soul crushing anxiety.
An old high school friend’s birthday ticks by and I take a look on Facebook. He gets a long list of “Happy Birthday” messages from so many different people. My birthday is a couple of days later…I get about 6 messages from people I haven’t seen in years. I’m certain they only posted in the first place because FB makes them aware that my birthday was that day. I don’t care about FB likes or anything like that but this response (or lack of) was a pretty clear reflection of my loneliness. My 22nd birthday was one of the worst days of my life. All it did was remind me how alone I am and how time is running out. I decide that I need to make a change and that I cannot live on like this. I also decide to make this change naturally, without synthetic drugs and other 'quick fixes'. I read everything there is to know about depression, suicide and social anxiety. I came across a social anxiety forum and made an account there.
I learn that Social Anxiety is actually a recognised mental illness of which treatment is available! I start seeing a counselor at my university and I begin making progress. Small steps at first but eventually onto bigger things. I begin an exercise and diet routine and stick to it like glue. I feel like I’m slowly becoming ‘normal’ – the end goal of mine. I frequent the SA forum often, keeping up to date with others peoples trials and tribulations and one day I run into this girl in the chat group. She messages me, her name is Kat. She is from the same city as me and we instantly hit it off. Something about this girl is special, I cant put my finger on it but I always enjoy talking with her. She understands anxiety, she has her own struggles with it so we can relate with that. She says shes hosting a bowling meetup and invites me to come along on December 8, 2012. I’m hesitant about going…I’ve never been bowling and I'm sure I'll screw everything up somehow. With the support of my counselor I eventually build up the courage to go.
I get there early. Kat turns up a little late and we greet each other. She organises us in a bunch of different groups (there's like 30 of us) and I’m put in a different group from her. That’s okay, I’d have liked to be in the same group as her but my main goal here is to tackle social anxiety and meet new people! The bowling goes okay, I’m pretty bad at it but at least I didn't make a fool of myself and I didn’t come last. When everyone is finished, Kat comes up to me and asks if I would like to come to a post-bowling dinner meetup with everyone. I decline because my parents are coming to pick me up at any moment and I’ve had enough exposure treatment for the day anyway! I also find out that she has her boyfriend with her. It doesn’t bother me much, I’m not looking for a girlfriend, the only thing that bothers me is that its another reflection of something I’m missing in my life – A relationship. I go home proud of my achievement. I talk to Kat online a bit and she says she wished she had the chance to talk to me more. I feel the same.
After this bowling meet, we start to chat a lot. She invites me to a lot of events she has with her own friends and I'm really scared about attending. I barely know this girl, and walking into a party environment completely by myself where I am unfamiliar with everyone there is pretty much the peak of fear for me. I do end up going to a Christmas and New Years party (I’d normally just be home sleeping) and despite the challenge, I really started to feel like I was branching myself into a new friend group. I’m being accepted and I’m slowly learning the ‘normal’ things people do out in the world. I have my first hangover ever and even get my licence so that I can drive places myself! I’m definitely making some real progress here. Early 2013, me and Kat are talking online for hours almost every day up until the early hours of the morning. We talk about our struggles with anxiety, our morals, our view on life and other things. She starts telling me stories about how people have wronged her in the past and she tells me I’m her best friend and that she feels like she can say anything to me. I feel the same way and I start liking this girl…a lot. The highlight of my day is the conversation I get to have with her. I can see this getting problematic though. I can’t have her, shes in a long-term relationship already and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I don’t tell her my feelings and I just try to be the best friend I can be.
October 7, 2013. I get a message saying she has broken up with her boyfriend. I feel sad for her knowing that she broke up but a part of me feels guilty because I feel I might have been part of the cause for it. She tells me that she is okay with the breakup and that it was mutual. I get no impression that I had caused it in any way. We go on talking as normal but then a month later, November 16, she drunk texts me and asks me outright if I like her. I tell her I do. She kind of gets angry at me for not having said something sooner but I felt that it wasn't my place to say anything while she was still recovering from her recent breakup. She says that she likes the fact that I have feelings for her but that she might not feel the same. She says she is a ‘terrible’ person with ‘disordered thinking’, that she might be 'using me' and that she ‘hurts everyone she gets close to’. I don’t believe her. I’ve known this girl for close to a year by this point and I don’t think shes terrible at all. I look past it and see it as her having low self-esteem after her breakup.
December 1, 2013. One of the best days of my life. It is the day me and her become ‘official’. Its exciting. I have a girlfriend…Wait what? I actually have a girlfriend? Not only do I have a girlfriend but its Kat, the girl I’ve been interested in for almost a year. We get along great, it’s the best ever. I feel energized, I feel invincible, I have no anxiety – nothing can stop me. I apply for jobs, I attend interviews like a confident young man with his girl by his side to back him up. I feel accepted and supported. I am incredibly happy on a level I didn’t even know was possible. My entire outlook on life and the world around me is completely different. I have something to live for and I wake up in the morning looking forward to each day. We text each other constantly and we are working great together without any arguments, everything is perfect and my feelings for her are only getting stronger. Then…January 25 comes along. Its her Birthday. She holds a birthday party at a place in the city with her friends and naturally, I’m there with her. The idea is to finish up at the place we’re at and then walk to another location in the city. She leaves the first place abruptly, without really telling anyone that she had gone. I am by her side the whole time but I do find her actions strange. It's just me, Kat and Davo - one of her best friends. She starts venting to me “how could my friends abandon me on my birthday?”. I’m in an awkward position here because I want to support her and make her feel better but I also think that the way she left was strange behaviour and was certainly her fault. She is upset for the rest of the night and is crying most of the time. Its sad for me too because I want her to have an amazing birthday, not a sad one. This strange behaviour becomes a recurring theme that continues to damage our relationship.
On February 13, one day before Valentine’s day (a day we were looking forward to), she says she wants to break up with me. I don’t understand. We had no arguments, no disagreements or fall-outs with one another and everything seemed to be going great. She gives no real reason other than “I don’t think we can work together”. I’m crushed obviously. Stupidly of me, I choose to hang out with her on Valentines day anyway. I’m with her and our friends and I burst into tears. I cant stop crying. She is 2 metres away from me showing no emotion. She isn’t crying, in fact, shes drinking and having fun. I don’t understand how she can be so cold and without emotion? I cry the entire night, tears running down my cheek for at least 6 hours. To make matters worse, Davo is hurling comments toward me saying that "she has divorced me" to really drive home the idea that I am no longer her boyfriend. Kat lets it happen without saying or doing anything and I just have to sit there and take it. Worse still, the next day, Davo asks me for my help to get him to hook up with Kat...maybe its just me, but is this insanely insensitive or what? I suppose it kind of makes sense. This Davo fellow has been jealous of me since the day he met me and has constantly insulted me and shut me down in conversation at any chance he's got through my entire relationship with Kat. She never stood up for me.
A couple of days go by and she later messages me saying that she misses me and wants to give us another shot. I tell her that the breakup has hurt me badly and that it might take a while for things to go back to normal. Eventually, things do. I am happy with her, she is happy with me and goes on to say that I am "Gods gift to her" and that “You are the best boyfriend ever”. I kind of really was. I would do anything for this girl. I would stand up for her if someone made her uncomfortable, I gave her my full attention when she was talking, I helped her with her homework (I even learnt some of her course content in my own time so I could help her better), I'd give her massages in a candle lit room when she was feeling stressed, I gave her surprises on special dates and I even wrote poetry for her. She is my world and I would do anything to make her happy. I told her I loved her, she told me she loved me. Things were great again. Kat Loves Me.
I invited her into a group of friends of mine that I had been weaving in and out of since 2008. It was the Super Smash Brothers fighting game community. I had made a lot of friends there over the years and it was always difficult for me to go to a lot of the gaming events because of my anxiety. I did make friends here though and I felt that they were mostly a bunch of kind hearted nerdy guys that shared a similar interest of mine. Well, my only interest really. I invited Kat into the group because I wanted her to meet my friends who were some awesome people. She didn’t have that many friends of her own you see and I felt sorry for her being mistreated by other people in the past and knew she didn’t have to worry about that with this group.
She is nervous at first but she quickly becomes part of the Smash Bros family. I love having her here with me, it makes me so happy to be able to share this with her. The problem is…her strange behaviour continues. One day, I am trying to teach her the basic controls of Smash so that she can start getting into the tournament scene. Naturally, I am patient. I’m a patient guy, especially with my girlfriend. I tell her that a large part of the game is about making good decisions and that in order to improve your skill, you need to be conscious of what your thinking about as you play the game. Suddenly, and without warning, she becomes visibly upset. She is angry and frustrated with me because apparently my tone of voice has changed and I have become aggressive. I tell her that I didn’t change my voice and that I’m not angry or upset and that I have no reason to be aggressive. I’m just teaching her how to play the game, why would I get aggressive?
We argue back and forth with her saying “I wouldn’t feel this way if it didn’t happen and your invalidating my feelings”. All I can say is “I’m sorry you feel upset and that you feel that way but I swear I didn’t get aggressive. I have no reason to! Are you sure you weren’t just frustrated at the game and your taking it out on me?” The argument ends without any nice conclusion. I start to doubt myself, thinking that maybe my tone of voice is changing without me realising it. I’ve never heard anyone say this to me before but who knows, it could be true. I’m always looking toward self improvement.
A couple of weeks later, we have a similar training session but this time I make a conscious effort to think about what I’m going to say next and how I’m going to deliver it. I don’t want the same thing as last time to happen again. Despite my efforts, she says the same as before. She starts crying saying I’m aggressive and I’m sitting there utterly convinced I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m stuck because I want to resolve this issue but I can’t just apologise for doing nothing. Its dishonest to myself. Besides, she has told me she has disorded thinking and I’ve seen it by this point more than once (her ex-bf and others have told her the same) so I figure she would at least be open to the idea that maybe shes not seeing things clearly. Apparently not. So I don’t really know what to do other than express concern that shes not seeing things the way they really happened. I’m convinced her frustration at the game has been deflected onto me.
I encounter more of this strange behaviour as time goes on. One time we go to a Subway store and she says the person serving her should be fired because she had to say she wanted her bun “toasted” twice. Another time she asks a passing waitress at a different store if they were closing up. The waitress doesn’t hear her (Kat didn’t get her attention) and we leave with Kat saying she never wants to go that store again because of the terrible service. Theres another time where she asks me the same question 5 times in a row, I answer it multiple times and then she breaks down in tears saying I wont answer her question. I recount word-for-word my answer to her question and she says she has no recollection of me ever saying anything like it. This was the weirdest experience I ever had with anyone in my life and it still blows my mind that this actually happened.
With every incident, I feel like I’m stuck no matter which path I take. I try to highlight the logical fallacy with her perception of events and how they are uncharacteristic of me, someone who loves her, and that her emotions are very likely caused by her mental disorders. SHE has told me in the past that she thinks she has Bipolar / General Anxiety / Depression / Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that she wants my help with overcoming these issue but every time these incidents occur, she's in denial and thinks everything is my fault. She refuses to accept the possibility that what I’m saying might actually be the truth and that I’m saying it out of concern and love. After every incident, there is usually a period of the Silent Treatment. She pretends I don’t exist, avoids eye contact and stops texting me throughout the day. I feel terrible when she does this. “What have I done to deserve this? I just want to love this girl, why does she treat me this way?”. I feel rejected and alone. I have my birthday party with her and our smash friends and we have a great night, easily my best birthday ever. The next morning she goes totally silent on me. I try to hug her, I try to ask whats wrong and she gives me absolutely nothing back. Her body language and lack of interest in my presence prompts me to think that she must be upset with me - probably because of something that happened the night before. I ask if she would prefer me to give her space and if it would be better if I went home and she responds with "do whatever you want". She then stands in the rain in her pyjamas while I pack up my things. On the way out, I ask once more if she would like me to leave and she says the same "do whatever you want". I take this as a sign that she wants me to get away from her so I get in my car and drive home (45 min drive).
As I'm driving, she texts me saying that she wasn't angry with me but that she was upset with an argument she had with her parents 3 days earlier. She claims I should have known that already even though she never told me anything. I tried to tell her that from my perspective, it looked like she was upset with me and that I was just trying to do my best to find out what was going on and support her. She says "I should know her better" and that she "doesn't have to tell me everything" and that me leaving her house was a selfish choice on my part. I wanted to spend the weekend together with her, not drive away from her. I don't know how she can say I was being selfish? She ignored me for over a week after this incident.
I have another similar incident where I am playing in a Smash Bros tournament and I am in the Grand Finals. She is with me but she isn't feeling too well. When she asks me to take her home, I pause the game I am playing and try to figure out what the best course of action is. "Can she wait till the tournament is over?", "Is she comfortable getting a lift home with someone else?", "Can she take public transport?". When I realise the only suitable option is for me to take her home myself, I quickly forfeit my place in the tournament. I let everyone know that her health was more important to me than some game tournament and that I was sorry I had to drop out. I didn't even take the prize for 2nd place, I had totally forgotten about it! I walk out with her, give her my jacket (it was winter) and take her home.
I drop her off, asking if she wants me to stay with her and she says she'll be fine. She later tells me that those couple of seconds where I paused the game made her feel like I was hesitating and that I personally made her feel like a burden on everyone. I tried to tell her that I wasn't hesitating and that I was just trying to figure out what to do next and that I didn't feel like she appreciated the personal sacrifice I just made in her best interest but she just wouldn't acknowledge it. I told her that it wasn't her fault or my fault that she was feeling sick and that it was just bad luck and that its not fair to place that feeling of being a burden on me. She says I'm invalidating her feelings and I feel like she is being unappreciative.
This stuff would just keep happening. She would groan and move my hands away from her when I would try to hug her and she would never approach me or show me any kind of respect or attention and it reaches the point where I cant take it anymore. I give her an ultimatum. I meet with her in person and I tell her that even though I am in love with her, unless she PROMISES to do 3 things, I cannot be her boyfriend any longer.
See a Psychologist See a Doctor Never pretend I don’t exist ever again
She agrees. I don’t believe her at first but I push the issue and make a point that I need to be SURE. I simply cannot take the risk that she will treat me like trash again. She breaks down in tears and convinces me that she is very sorry about how cruel she has been to me and that she promises she will never do it to me again. She says she’ll make it up to me. I give her a chance to make good on these promises. I still LOVE this girl with all my heart and I never want to lose her but she can’t continue to treat me this way. I don’t deserve it.
About 2 months go by and nothing has changed. She hasn’t seen a psych or a doctor and there have been moments where she just blatantly ignores me. One time we leave in separate cars after going to the casino together (I taught her how to play blackjack and we enjoyed playing it together) and she doesn’t even say goodbye to me, she just walks away. She even goes on to tell me that she wants my permission to hook up with other guys WHILE we are still in a relationship. She would hang it over my head saying "if you can't make me happy, I'll just find someone else". We have a trip planned to travel interstate for a major Smash Brothers tournament and we are going together. The first day we get there she is already distant, she doesn’t seem like she even wants me around her. On that night, I try and get close to her. She pushes me away and avoids eye contact.
This is it. Breaking point. Here we are together in a different state for a major tournament with our friends who I had trained (I’m pretty good at the game so I prepared people for the tournament) and shes acting cold on me again. I get out of the bed of the five star hotel room I have booked for us and I sleep on the couch crying by myself. She does nothing, she just sleeps and takes the bed for herself. The next morning I tell her I’m upset with her and all she says is “I know”. She doesn’t apologise or try to make things right, in fact, she just continues her avoidant behaviour. This just hurts me more.
We go through the trip as two individuals who happen to be sharing a room. At one point I’m crying in the hotel room with her and she gets up and leaves for about 3 hours. I have no idea where she is or when she will come back. She is just gone. I eventually muster up the courage to speak to her asking “how can she do this to me again and how could she break her promise” and she flips the question back onto ME. She says how can I “ignore her like this”. The lack of empathy for my hurt feelings astounds me but I still try to set things right so that the rest of our trip isn’t in shambles but she is not interested. She says “I don’t need to talk to you” and avoids conversation. Shes visibly upset, I give her a tablet to calm her nerves down. I manage to put on the 'happy face' throughout the tournament. Nobody had any idea what I was going through as I tend to keep my problems to myself. I also had severe stomach cramps throughout all of the days on top of everything else that was going on.
On the day we go back home, I am crying the whole time. I cry for 2 hours in the hotel lobby and she sits 2 chairs away from me playing on her phone the entire time. I have tissues all around me. She is not emotional or empathic, she simply doesn’t care. At the airport gateway in front of hundreds of strangers, she tells me she wants to break up with me and that shes sure that’s what she wants. I am crushed and I take 3 sleeping tablets on the plane back home. A couple of days later I contact her again telling her that I miss her. We talk for a bit and she says she is on the fence about dumping me, claiming that she still has feelings for me. I tell her I’ll give her time and space if that’s what she needs.
About 2 weeks later, she messages me saying she is very ill. She says it takes all of her energy to move and that she needs to do something ASAP or she might catch a disease. I offer to come over and give her some tablets and some company to make her feel better. I mean, it’s the least I could do for someone suffering alone in their bedroom! She says she doesn’t want my help but I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I drive to her place (took an hour to get there) and keep her updated on much longer until I'm there. When I arrive I find shes not home. I spend the next hour trying to contact her and she doesn’t respond. I message her friends/family to try find out whats happening and nobody answers.
Eventually she calls me and says that shes out and that she wont be home all night. In the background I can hear some kind of party music. I don’t understand, ISN’T SHE REALLY REALLY SICK AND DOESNT SHE KNOW I'M COMING OVER? I tell her that I’ll have a nap at her place (since I dont want to drive all the way back after just getting there) until she comes home. 15 minutes later she comes back home and is telling me to get out. She says I am invading her privacy and that she is furious with me. She says I have serious issues. Oh and she doesn’t look the slightest bit sick either. I try to talk to her but she just says “I don’t need to talk to you, get out”. She storms out of the house, I tell her mum what just happened and her mum says she'll intercede on my behalf when Kat calms down. Me and her mum know that Kat can be difficult to deal with, I always got the impression that she was hoping I could help Kat in a way that she couldn't. After speaking with her mum, I shake her hand thanking her for her hospitality and I leave.
I try to contact her at some point after this but she is resistant. She wont let me speak with her at all as if I’ve done something unforgivable. She gets up and walks away from me while I'm speaking to her. She tells our mutual friends that I have been abusive to her, controlling, manipulative, forceful, disrespectful to her parents and that she is scared of me. She even goes to lengths to bring up personal stuff about my life that was meant to be private in order to destroy my friendship with them. She succeeds. Nobody is interested in what I have to say. I have a panic attack and am rushed to hospital in fear of a heart attack. Kat knows I’m in hospital but does not visit or message me. She doesn’t care.
I eventually manage to call her on the phone and I ask her how she could say these things about me and how she could break the promises she made. In regards to the promises, she says “I’m allowed to change my mind”. I ask her about our trip interstate and how she could ignore my feelings and pretend like I don’t exist and she says “Its not my responsibility if you want to feel that way and I wont do shit all for that. I should have just done the whole trip by myself”. I ask about me being in hospital and she says “We’ve broken up so its none of my business anymore”. At the end of the phone call she promises that she will leave the Smash Bros community alone out of respect for me since I belong there and its something I introduced her to.
I don’t contact her at all for 2 months after this. By this point I'm already in therapy and have been taking antidepressants for major depression. I’ve overdosed once and I continue to think about suicide every day. Everything restarts when she turns up to a Smash Bros event as though nothing has happened. Not only that, but shes hanging around all the friends I introduced her to and they are acting like nothing has happened. In fact shes been telling them lies about me being abusive and they believe it! I approach her asking “What are you doing here? You said you wouldn’t come to these anymore”. My (her?) friends back her up, telling me to fuck off and get out. I do so willingly after expressing my discontent with her presence. Following this, I am banned from attending any events held by certain people and nobody is interested in hearing my side of the story. I am blocked, banned and cast away.
I try to contact her to sort all this out and instead she says I’m harassing her to my group of friends on facebook and actively finds ways to damage my image. She continues to destroy my reputation and people go along with it because she plays the role of ‘victim’ in front of them. She cries, and they come to her defense, just as I did when I first started getting to know her. She even claims that I broke into her house! I have been trying to diffuse the situation with little success. There are people in the community that know me better and have taken the time to listen to my side of the story and they have been very supportive. It's good to know at least some people have some respect for me and I would feel much worse without them. While I would have liked to keep all of this to myself as I had done with the previous breakups (I didn't even tell my parents or siblings), she has now put me in a position of defense and has accused me of being something I am not. I now feel the need to defend my reputation and open the doors to the truth.
I have recently found out that Kat is now DATING Travis, someone I have known for 5 years and someone who defended her at the smash event. Shes apparently been dating him since December, only about 2 months after she broke up with me. This isn't just totally ridiculous but it also makes no sense because she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship and that she wouldn't get into one for a long time until she sorted herself out mentally. She said that she wasn't well enough to be with anybody. She did this knowing that the thought of her being with someone else made me sick and that I couldn't be friends with her because I didn't want to know who/if she was dating anyone. Now I have extreme anxiety being in the same room as him or anyone involved with that particular social circle. That group is intentionally bullying and making fun of me at smash events to make me feel even worse than I already do. No doubt, Kat is a supporter of these actions.
And that leads me to now. I have been betrayed by my girlfriend, the person I loved, I have been cast out of a group of friends I have had for years and she has planted herself right in the middle of it without a shred of respect, empathy or feeling for me. In addition to all of this, my computer HDD which had 3 years of my work on it randomly stopped working, my cat of 14 years died of heart failure on Kats birthday this year, my parents have been on the edge of a divorce and a chronic abdominal pain I’ve had for years is wreaking havoc on me and no doctor or specialist can find a way to treat it. I have recently been told that this is a life long condition that will stay with me forever and there are no drugs I cant take that mitigate the pain, not even morphine! I tried to speak to Kat telling her that in addition to the breakup, I am going through so much stuff at home and that I wanted to work together with her to make things better. I was in tears basically begging for some compassion over the phone. She said I should "get over myself" and that she "doesn't have to help me" and then hung up.
I cry in my room alone, my heart hurts (physically, it actually hurts) and I cant sleep. I am on tablets that make me feel drowsy and generally unwell. I have no will to live, no joy or pleasure in anything, I have lost my short term memory, my social anxiety is returning and I feel like there is nothing in the universe that can help me. I have never been this depressed. The only time I feel okay are the rare times I am asleep, but even then I am haunted by nightmares. All I ever did was try to support and love this girl in the best ways I knew how. I gave my all and I did the very best I could do and in return, I was labelled as Satan.

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