So where do I begin . I started watching gambling streams out of nowhere and seen my favorite person won a lot of money , ofcourse he would bc he has plenty of money to gamble and does it daily , eventually something would of hit . Then on my day off I asked my bf to come with me to the casino and have our day to ourselves without the kids . We had such a great time and ate a nice meal at the casino , I was up 700 on my freeplay and life was good until I decided to continue playing and lost 1,000 before I had to leave the casino to get our kids . Me and bf still had a good time and we didn’t think nothing of the loss bc we hit a lot of bonuses and enjoyed ourselves even though we did end up losing but it’s bc we had to leave early . Then 10pm came and I started watching the gambling videos again and had the sudden urge I could win my money back if I go back and stay longer . I told my bf I’ll be back bc I want to go and play and plus I’m off I had nothing to do . At this point the kids are almost in bed and I’m ready to go win my money . The casino is about 1.2 hours away and I drove so fast on the road . About half way there I felt as if I am leaving my family behind to go live out my addiction . When I was about 5 mins away from casino , there was a big truck stopped dead in one of the lanes I did not see him bc I was driving behind an SUV, by the time I finally saw him i had to break , luckily he wasn’t in my lane but I can see how another person traveling in the truck lane would crash into him , that should of been a warning that I shouldn’t go but I didn’t care . I mainly went bc I was suppose to check into the free hotel room to get my resort credit which is up to 1,000, and u guess it right I got there in time to check in . The front desk gave me my keys and told me where to go . I didn’t even make it of my room before I start gambling at the slots . I only had 1,000 dollars and I guessed it, lost it . Then before I left my house I had made a 1500 credit card payment and the sickening addict that I am , I withdrew the money from my bank and lost that . So now that credit card payment which I can’t cancel will debit my bank and make it negative . Now it’s 2am I’m tired , broke and had to tell my bf I’m too tired to drive home . This morning I’m laying in this hotel room writing this post , when I should of been with my family . I’ve lost a total of 3600 dollars that should of been for rent and credit payment and now I am negative 1500 and I don’t even know what to tell my mom when she deposit the rent check I gave her and hoping it won’t bounce which I’m sure it will . I have no more cash advances on any cards even though I have been paying them but I guess if they are not paid off I won’t get any more advances . Uugh this is my third time this year gambling and it will be my last for the year . Such a horrible feeling when you stuck at a casino with no money literally not a single dollar . I was hoping to use my resort credit to get a spa treatment or something but literally can’t even do that bc I have no money for gratuity either . I’m probably going to drive home soon and just feel like a sad puppy . The dreaded long drive home . For the rest of my day, I think I will go to the mall shopping with my credit card which is the only access to money I have and take my bf out . He did told me not to go and that he would get off his video games and watch a movie with me but I didn’t listen , I went anyway , it’s bad for our relationship and I should never leave my house like that at night again . Especially bc I came here and Lose my whole rent and credit card payment ! Well that’s it for me for this year , I gambled now 3 times . Once in feb lost 700, once in July lost 1200 at an online casino , once in October 3600 . I guess I’m gonna see what I can charge to my room before I leave this place , maybe some breakfast that I can bring home to my bf or something and spend the rest of this month broke until I get paid again .

So, for those of you who are familiar with REALLY black hat affiliate marketing this wouldn't be a huge surprise, but still.
Basically, i think i found the ultimate way to promote online casinos as an affiliate and make huge amounts of money with it, and basically this is by turning lots of people into temporary (or not so temporary) gambling addicts.
Is this immoral? I'm a diagnosed sociopath and i couldn't care less, we're all adults and we're all responsible for our decisions. Is this illegal? No.
Basically, let's first analyze what a gambling addict is and HOW HE THINKS:
The key factor that distinguishes a gambling addict from an enthusiast is that the addict genuinely thinks he can beat the game, he thinks he knows what the next card coming out the deck is going to be, he thinks he knows that the next roll of the slot machine is going to be the one etc.
So, how do you turn random people into gamblers? You PROVE THEM you found an actual method to actually beat the game, and you prove it in an incontestable way just so that nobody can prove you wrong. This is going to cost you some money btw, let's say 500 bucks, but you'll make a lot more in a day so...
Basically, here's what you do:
1) You create a fake Baypal balance, just log into your Baypal account and select the values, right click, then "inspect". Now you can edit whatever you want and create a fake balance showing fake payments from whatever company you want (name of the casino, will explain later, but you have to put money in the casino, lose some, and then get it back on Baypal so that you know the exact name that will appear when you receive payments). This would only be illegal only if you were selling the method, but you're going to give it away for free (because it's not a method) so no worries.
2) Once you have the fake Baypal set up you record the screen and start talking, say stuff like "Hey everyone i'm recording this video to show you this INSANE method i just found to make money online, i wouldn't believe this because they told me it was a method to make a lot of money easily, but i tried it and wow, this is crazy. BLA BLA BLA. I'm a MATH graduate and i couldn't get a job anywhere, let alone a well paid job. BLA BLA BLA."
3) You then start talking about the money you made while moving your cursor ONTO the numbers so that people will see it's not a screenshot that you could've photoshopped because the page is interacting, because it's a real page, just edited. You basically just say stuff like “so you can see my balance now is 36k which is not all the money i made in this past month/month and a half, you can see i received these payments here, i was testing it first, made the first 221,64 bucks here, then 743,85 (remember not-so-perfect numbers have more impact), then i started doing this seriously and we got to 4k, 13k, and 28k today.”
4) You then keep talking for a bit about how crazy this is and it has changed your life, make sure the whole talk lasts about 3-4mins, then say “let’s not waste any time here, let me show you how this works”. And you stop recording. This will be the first part of the video just save it as it is, you’ll find out why later.
5) Open up whatever online casino you’re going to promote (will discuss on how to get your affiliate link later) on which you already loaded 50 euros or dollars, then start recording again, this will be the second part of the video, but people will not even notice the cut.
Say “this method works in online casinos. Okay i know what you’re thinking, don’t worry this is not one of those black-red tricks that don’t work, they’re scams and we all know that, this is a new method and works, as you saw on my Baypal, but i will show it to you live. Please remind most online casinos are not functional for this method because they will find a way to block you after you keep winning all the time, check the description for the link to this one that i’m using which is the very best. so, let’s go to the roulette section and pick french roulette. this is our workplace, i guess everyone knows how roulette works, but here we’re not trying to get lucky, we’re following a precise sequence which is this one *show sequence image at this point* (which is basically Red Black Red Red Black Black in cycles) and i’ll put a link for this too. Here’s how it works:”
So, you have to apply this cycle while placing your bets, this cycle actually kinda works, but it just makes your chances of winning slightly above 50%, it’s nothing special, but looks like it. What you do is you keep betting the colors of the cycle all the time, while explaining what you’re doing with confidence, betting 0,10€ at a time, saying this is exactly where you started from. If you win you place the minimum bet again, if you lose you double up, if you lose again you double up again, but you keep following the sequence as a cycle.
Explain that this is the classic double-up, but it’s very different because YOU HAVE A PRECISE SEQUENCE THAT CAN’T BE REVERSE-FOLLOWED ALL THE TIME, and thus is 100% winning, all of this while proving it, while still suggesting the more you bet the more money you make.
This might go very wrong and you’d end up wasting 50€, if that happens (took me 6 trys, 300€, to get the right one) record this part of the video from scratch and load 50 more euros, as i said this will cost you money. When you get the right shot and get to let’s say 51€, point out that you just made 1€ in a couple mins, starting from 0,10, which is A LOT, point that out clearly.
6) If step 4 went correctly now say “so, i think you’ve figured out how this works but let me prove you this works for real, i’ll set a stopwatch, do it for a while speeding up the video so that you see what i’m doing, and i’ll be right back” then proceed to activate a stopwatch, go back to the casino page for a couple seconds and CUT the video.
7) Now, in post-production, you’ll take the part where you explained the method and use that video while speeding it up very quickly.
8) Go back to the casino, try until you win one bet so that it will show (that’s really hard to edit), then edit your balance to around 56€. Start the stopwatch again from 0:00, and go back to the casino page.
9) When 5 mins or so have passed start recording FROM THE CASINO PAGE, go the the stopwatch, stop it, and say “so that was 5 mins”. Go back to the casino page and show you are now at 56€, say “we made 5 more euros, and that was 5 minutes, let’s calculate how much WE WOULD’VE MADE if i kept going for an hour.” Pull out whatever calculator you want and divide euros by minutes (in this case 5 divided by 5, could be different in your case depending on what you decide to do) in this case it will show 1€ a minute, multiply x60 and say “guys, 60€ an hour, i know people are getting jobs for like 7€ an hour or less, let’s see how much that’d be if i kept doing it for 8 hours, that’s 480€. In a few days that will be a month of salary, and that’s with 0,10 bets, can you imagine what that would be if we made 1€ bets? this is insane.”
10) Pull out a table you previously created, showing bets, expected earnings and SAFETY RATIOS (totally made up).
Basically, 0,10 lost bets doubling up 9 times (which will look very very rare if step 4 went correctly) will require a 51,20€ balance for ABSOLUTE certainty, 25,20€ for VERY GOOD CERTAINTY and 6,40€ for GOOD CERTAINTY, create the rest of the board according to other bet options. Then on a side of the board show hourly and monthly potential earnings working 2 hours a day, so let’s say 60€ an hour as in hour example (point out that you usually go faster than what you did during the chronometer) and this will result in 3.600€ a month with 2 hours a day.
Explain the table and talk about the great earnings you can achieve with just 0,10 bets or 0,20 bets with just 2 hours a day, and then talk about the earnings you can achieve with higher bets, that REQUIRE CERTAINTY. Say “How do you get certainty, with a higher balance, here’s what we have, for 0,10 bets 6,40€ is good certainty, 25,20 is very good certainty and 51,20 is absolute certainty”. Suggest people to do 1€ bets (that require 512€ for absolute certainty) because they will be able to make 36k a month with just 2 hours IF THEY DO THIS SLOWLY, one hour if they do it faster. Keep discussing the huge earnings they can achieve, and point out you achieved a lot more and that the table underestimates it, as they saw in your Baypal. do some small talk for a while, the whole videos should be 15-20mins long.
11) End the whole video by saying “guys, i’m not joking this is for real, you’ve seen my Baypal, you’ve seen me do this right in front of you, it works, you’ll see for yourself, i’ll put the WEBSITE LINK (avoid saying “go play now” or phrases that directly encourage gambling) and the FREE DOWNLOAD link for the sequence in the description, i changed my life and got my dream life and you can do this too, dreams are not dreams anymore, they’re goals that you can achieve, bye!”
So, this is how you create the gambler-maker video that will turn random people into real gamblers. The cool thing is that the lowest “absolute certainty” balance is 51,20 but they can’t deposit 51,20 because they will be able to deposit 50, so if they comment the video saying they lost their money say the didn’t listen to you and needed 51,20. They will then refill their balance. Lots of people will do the same with the 512 balance. Delete upset comments if they don’t take any “advice” and place some “this changed my life” and “1000€ in 2 hours easiest money of my life” comments with fake profiles during the first week or two.
Most online casinos will pay you a 20% commission on deposits when you’re first starting out as an affiliate and will go to even 300% CPA on deposits, meaning a 500 deposit will make you a 1.500€ commission, or something like that depending on the one you choose.
The problem with them is that they will be very upset if they found out you’re promoting their casino this way (but will enjoy the money) so before you apply for their affiliate program here’s what you do:
You go to Blu3host and purchase 2 domains and hosting for each, about 70 bucks for each (will last 1 year) call one something like “makethatdr3ammoneynow(DOT)c0m” and the other one “casinofunreviews(DOT)c0m”.
Use Blu3host because it has integrated wordpress.
Log into casinofunrevi3ws(DOT)c0m and log into wordpress, go to plugins and search for “pretty links” install that plugin (the logo is a start with blue lines behind it like a comet) what this plugin does is it CLOAKS your link, not for people, but for the casino, this is to make sure the casino thinks you’re promoting them in a legit way. Anyway, with the Prettylinks plugin you can create redirects like “casinofunr3views(DOT)c0m/casino” will immediately redirect to the casino with your affiliate link, you can figure this out very very easily when you have Prettylinks in front of you.
Now, you still don’t have your affiliate link so you’ll only do this when you get it, here’s what you do. Click on “add post” and write a post about a game like “book of ra” making a fake review saying it looks good and it fun to play overall and rate it 7/10 or something and bla bla bla, add a picture of it and that’s it. Do this for a couple more games always WITHOUT ENCOURAGING GAMBLING, they have to look like posts aimed at sunday-gamblers who do it for fun.
When you ask for your application as an affiliate they will ask you for an url, send them your perfectly legit friendly gambling blog (casinofunr3views(DOT)c0m) when they approve you and you get the link create the redirect like casinofunr3views(DOT)c0m/casino or something like that
Now go to your other domain (makethatdr3ammoneynow(DOT)c0m) and basically only write one post writing “link to the website” (create hyperlink to your redirect link, NOT YOUR AFFILIATE LINK, so that the text “link to the website” sends to casinofunr3views(DOT)c0m/casino) and “link to the sequence” that you will upload somewhere for free download and create an hyperlink for that too.
In the video description type “for the website link and download link click h3re: makethatdr3ammoneynow(DOT)c0m” and they will land on your website that just presents them the 2 hyperlinks and that’s it. Perfect.
Then go back to casinofunr3views(DOT)c0m and create a new post and talk about the casino you’re an affiliate of, review it and say it looks very good, good design and all and very fun games, and create an hyperlink for it in the post, right on their name, like, if the casino’s name is “bananacasinogummybear” you write “so, i’ve recently played some games on bananacasinogummybear…. bla bla bla” and the hyperlink sends to “casinofunr3views(DOT)c0m/casino” AGAIN.
The purpose of all this thing is that the casino will see where the new subscribers come from, if you put the redirect right on youtube they’d know you’re using youtube, and they would only have to google the link to find your video. If you do this like i explained to you they will see the traffic is coming from the super legit blog you showed them. THIS IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT.
So, this was my very black hat and highly manipulative way to make lots of money quickly af (just create a fake fb profile, search gambler-games-related pages and add a few people and post a status saying “i will post a video showing you a crazy method to makes lots of money, ask your dearest friends to add me” and keep adding people too, just spam a bit, it will go kinda viral very quickly (because the method kinda looks like it really works, but it doesn’t, so people will be sharing your video even after trying for themselves)
Make sure you make the youtube video “not listed” if you want to be really safe, because even thought this is legal it’s really immoral, and i suggest you to take it down after you made enough money to start a morally legit business, make sure the video doesn’t go super viral or you’ll be forever known in history as the scammer guy, trust me, you might end on tv sooner than you think, so make sure you take everything down if the views start getting out of hand, and my best advice is to take it down anyway after making 200k out of this, that’s enough money to start an insanely profitable online business very easily, a business that would make you 50k a month too, but morally.
I don’t care about morality, but being tagged as a scammer won’t be good for you, so avoid that at all costs.
Enjoy the money you’ll be making by tricking a casino into thinking you're just an amateur blogger who has fun playing games while in reality you're turning strangers into gambling addicts (even tho most people will quit after wasting a grand or so, sometimes less, a grand could be 3k commissions for you tho) and don’t start gambling yourself, the method doesn’t work, i can guarantee, just looks like it if you’re lucky enough to get it on video. it’s just like the dudeperfect videos or the yeahigotskills guy, those are not 1st try shots, but look like it.
ONE LAST THING: make sure you crop the video so that it doesn’t show the url of the casino so that even the smart guys will have to click on your link, when they get there they will just be too lazy and join through your affiliate link anyway.

It started on Sunday, I had decided to put enough $$ on Ignition to play the $162 $250K. This ended up being about $150. That came and went, but what I still had was the 25% deposit bonus. Ended up being about $37.50. Now, with Ignitions ridiculous rollover requirements it's almost impossible to get that bonus to be real money. My Requirement was around $1828 of casino play. I like Blackjack though, which only satisfies 1:3 on the dollar as far as the requirement goes. Basically meaning I had to grind out $5484 worth of blackjack casino play. Jump to an hour and a half later and I had done it! Rolled over the bonus and by the time the rollover requirement had been met it was $690!
I am a low-mid stakes grinder, so this was pretty sick to me. I decided to shot-take yesterday with the money. I see a $66 satellite into the $500 $150K guaranteed SMPO #57 event. 5 seats guaranteed. Cool, lets go for it. Bust first try. Alright, just 1 more, I mean we have this $$ to shot take, right? Second try I get the ticket. I got myself a nice lead early on with some lucky flips and 15 ended up getting tickets so it wasnt too bad of a bubble.
Well shit, lets play this $500 150K now, right? So I hop in right as it starts along with like 90 other people. I am used to playing on Global Poker normally and they don't do too much late reg. Well, this 150K had 4 and a half hours of late reg. By the time it was over there were 324 players registered and I was in 20th~ out of 150~ or so. I tried to play as good and as patient as i could, ended up taking some real good spots and winning some nice flips. Top 72 cash for $717. I pass that, and the grind starts for real. We make 2 or 3 ladders and get to the final 2 tables. I had 53K when the average was 325K and I managed to win 4 shove spots, then 1 flip with 88 and 1 flip with 99.
At this point there are 11 left, I am in 2nd with 950K and have just won 2 hands in a row when i get dealt QcQd in the HJ. The button had been especially agressive towards me, and had come over the top of the last 3/5 of my raises before this. The blinds are 20k/40k and I min-open to 80K(in hindsight I think making it bigger is better). CO folds, button is tanking and eventually shoves with around 811K. I decide to call quickly. He turns over 4h4s . Board runs out 5h3d9c Turn 2c River As Villain rivers the straight for a 1.7 million pot and the commanding chiplead, as 2nd had 960k at that point.
I get nearly stacked, and am now the shortest with 140K~ and end up busting in 10th a couple hands later. I guess I am just not entirely sure if it was a call or not? When I think about the pay jump and ICM potential it kind of hurts. The payouts were: 13th-10th $1780 -- 9th $2180 - 8th $2961 -- 7th $4023 -- 6th $5465(Would be biggest score) -- 5th $7425 -- 4th $10087(Would achieve goal this year of 5 figure score) -- 3rd $13703 -- 2nd $18608 -- 1st $25207.76.
He was in 3rd and there are 3 stacks with 700k, a couple stacks with 400k, 1 with 300k and 1 with 200k. The total chips in play was 6.4 Million. After thinking about it I probably could have folded the QQ to the shove just due to the ICM that was in place, but I wanted to share the crazy story to get there and get others feedback on whether its a call or not.
TL/DR: Turned a $37.5 bonus into $690 after rollover, won a $66 satty into a $500 $150K taking shots, FT bubbled $500 with QQ < 44 for many moneys and biggest score.

Free 30+ page travel guide about Budapest, Hungary and bits of Central Europe. Enjoy!
Information correct as of summer 2020. If you find anything incorrect or would like to make requests, suggestions (or just want to say hi), please do that here! You should also drop by in /budapest to see past questions and to get advice from multiple people.
I would also greatly appreciate your post-trip feedbacks about whether my recommendations worked out for you or not! Restaurants, clubs can undergo radical changes and it's not always possible to keep track of every single one.
The local charity I support is the Hungarian Food Bank Association. For every €1 donated they are able to save €30 worth of perishable food and have it reach underprivileged Hungarian families. If you find this guide useful, please consider donating to them!
Some links use URL-shorteners, so I could track how many of you are using this guide. Nothing fishy waiting for you behind them.
See my suggestions in the comments below about:

• Restaurants – Where to eat in the city
  
• Clubbing, cultural and sports events – Beautiful people, pub crawls or dive bars?
  
• Shopping, services, health care - Good excuses to part with the last of your Forints
  
• Off the beaten path – atypical activities – if you have the time!
  
• Countryside tourism, regional travel – getting familiar with the rest of the country and more
  

===CORONA RESTRICTIONS===
The situation is subject to change momentarily, this information is current as of September 2020. Eastern Europe as a whole has largely been spared from the worst of it, including Hungary, and the risk of transmission is low.
Presently foreigners are banned from entry altogether. Exceptions are in place for people with ties to the country (family members, studies, work, those holding residence permits), and people transiting by car on designated highways.
The situation will be revised monthly, with experts saying the second peak is expected for December-January.
In the country, you need to wear a mask on public transport, inside shops, malls, cinemas, museums. You don't need to wear them inside restaurants, cafes, bars, but they must close by 23.00. Social distancing rules are in place, but largely ignored.
===END OF CORONA RESTRICTIONS===
Hungary has a continental climate with 4 seasons. Summer is the main season, a slightly less busy time to visit is April to mid-June and September to October, but the weather is less predictable. Those uncomfortable with 30+C (>85F) temperatures should visit around then as 35+C (>95F) is not uncommon in the summer. November through March has -5 to 10 (20-50F) and possibly gloomier weather – but fewer tourists.
Currency: the Hungarian Forint (HUF, Ft). Fair exchange rates for Euros is around 330-335Fts, for US Dollars around 300. Only use currency exchanges where the buy/sell spread isn't greater than 5-6Fts for these two currencies!
Citizens of 62 countries do not require a visa to enter the Schengen Area and can stay for maximum 90 days within a rolling 180-day window. See here if you don’t know what that entails. EU member countries that are not members of the Schengen Area are Bulgaria, Croatia, Cyprus, Ireland, Romania, and the United Kingdom, visits to these do not count toward your 90 days. Non-EU countries part of the Schengen Area are Iceland, Liechtenstein, Norway, and Switzerland, visits to these do count toward the cap.
Because we both know you want to do your own research, use:

• WeLoveBudapest, the definitive city magazine in English, from top lists to current events,
• Offbeat Budapest, a new site with the author’s finger very much on the city’s pulse,
• Spotted by Locals, for even more local insight. Their offline city guide is worth $3.99.
• TripAdvisor, a small number of reviews might be bought, but no other site competes with their sheer volume of input. Be skeptical of places with unbalanced (90+% 5-star) reviews, the remaining ones should be accurate.
• Foursquare, with more local input than on TA,
• Wikivoyage, for your encyclopedic knowledge needs,
• Most threads on budapest and a couple more on hungary, which you can search like this,

See the city in 4K, or with Rick Steves.
However nothing beats having a physical guidebook in your hand! Lonely Planet has the best and most recent issue.
Read up on the concept of coconut and peach cultures, as sometimes the reserved and distant behaviour of locals can be misinterpreted by ‘peach’ visitors as rudeness – nope!
This is a comprehensive itinerary, but leaves out the best museum of the city: the House of Terror, a solemn museum of the Nazi and Soviet occupation and crackdowns (get the audio guide or be prepared to peruse dozens of pamphlets). There's an attendance limit, so you might need to wait up to 30-45 minutes to get in when it's the busiest. When you are around Deák Ferenc tér, drop by in the Tourinform office (Sütő utca 2., the small street near the church) to stock up on free maps, printed guides of the city. WeLoveBudapest prints a comprehensive and free one every year around June.
I suggest 4 full days to discover Budapest, or 3 faster paced ones. Make it 5-7 if you'd like to make a few daytrips (Szentendre - open-air ethnographic museum, cobblestoned, quaint center, Esztergom - Central Europe's largest cathedral and religious center, Visegrád - medieval castle, Eger - medieval castle and wine region). Most of Hungary’s highlights can be visited in 2 weeks. For more details on countryside and international trips, see my comment below.
Meal times and habits are typical to central Europe: breakfast is usually done at home, not much of a culture of eating out in the morning. But a large number of new wave breakfast places have popped up in the past years, which offer ample opportunities for visitors, normally from 8am. Lunch is at midday, after 1pm most places are going to be fairly empty and many will stop serving lunch after 2pm. The standard time for dinner is 7pm, bookings for later than 8pm are unusual. Lots of restaurant kitchens close at 10pm (with the restaurant following suit 30-60 minutes later), finding a meal after that hour is challenging for anything other than street food.
Baths
Gellért is the most aesthetic, Széchenyi the largest and most popular among foreigners (Sparty can get crazy with lots of drinking, puking and sex going on in the pools, but it is wildly overpriced and 100% aimed at visitors). Rudas is a Turkish hamam with swimwear optional, single-gender weekdays (women-only on Tuesdays, coed and swimwear-mandatory on the weekend). Lukács is plain and personally I’m not a fan of it – tourists only visit it because it’s included free with the Budapest Card. For more details on the baths, see this.
For off the beaten path sights, ride the D11 or D12 public boat lines for a cheap alternative to paid cruises (travelcards only valid on weekdays, otherwise 700Ft), check out the Pinball Museum, Hospital in the Rock or check out this section for a lot more off the beaten path ideas.
Shopping
Hungary has the world’s highest effective VAT (=sales tax) at 27%. Non-EU/EEA tourists are eligible for VAT refund on their qualifying purchases if they complete the paperwork (min. €175 value per transaction, passport+reclaim form stamped by customs official).
The most popular and best accessible mall of the city is WestEnd on Nyugati tér. Arena Plaza is larger by floor area and carries a couple brands that can’t be found elsewhere, but is less centrally located (10min walk from Keleti train station). Don’t expect to find bargains on clothing or electronics, prices are similar to Western Europe and over North American or Asian ones.
For more information on shopping and VAT refund, see here.
Paprika Market is a decent souvenir shop in the sea of overpriced, terrible quality crap on Váci utca.
Magma Gallery for contemporary and affordable jewelry, ceramics and home decor items by local designers is just one street over on Petőfi Sándor utca.
Check out the antique bookstores alongside Múzeum körút between Astoria and Kálvin tér, some have Socialist-era posters available for sale from 30€ and up, that could be a unique gift/home decor to take home. Ecseri road flea market for more antiques, go early on Saturdays.
Hungarian cuisine is hearty and filling, with a heavy use of meats. Must-try foods are:

• goulash: a beef soup with potatoes and carrots!
  
• Hortobágy crêpes: Hungary's more sophisticated answer to enchiladas, these savory crepes filled with either stew or minced meat covered in creamy paprika sauce make excellent starters or even entrée.
  
• pörkölt/paprikás: a thick stew without or with sour cream mixed in and what the rest of the world incorrectly believes goulash is – my favorite is catfish with curd cheese&dill noodles, though beef, chicken and the inferior pork are more commonplace
  
• roast sausage and blood sausage (hurka-kolbász): the breakfast of champions! Ideally eaten at an authentic butchershop like Pinczi or Balla with a side of pickled veggies, mustard (or horseradish) white bread and cold beer at 8am on a Saturday.
  
• everyone’s favorite street food, lángos: Hungarians only eat it with salt, garlic, sour cream and/or cheese, the Frankensteinian concoctions with sausage or kebab toppings are 100% aimed at tourists
  
• Somló trifle: a scrumptious walnut sponge dessert with chocolate sauce and whipped cream
  
• Chimney cake: a sweet, spiral pull-apart bread baked over charcoal, rolled in the topping of your choosing (typically nuts, cinnamon, vanilla sugar, cocoa, coconut flakes)
  

For authentic recipes, recommendations for recipe blogs or cookbooks, tips for cooking traditional Hungarian meals, see here
For edible souvenirs to bring home with you:

• Pick winter salami: only choose the original, typically ~6000/kg, comes in sizes of 380, 800 and 1250g and in trays (100 and 250g). The brand has a deli & store (working with regular prices) on Kossuth tér, next to the Parliament, open from 7am on weekdays for breakfast and lunch.
  
• Tokaji dessert wine: aszú being the premium product with the at least 4 puttony varieties suggesting quality, but they make regular whites as well, so check the label. Should cost at least 3-4000 per bottle. Suggested wineries: Disznókő, Oremus, Dereszla. Avoid: Royal Tokaji
  
• Premium pralines in lovely, traditional packaging from Stühmer.
  

Grocery stores include Spar, Tesco, Aldi and Lidl. Avoid CBA and Coop, low quality for high prices. Small convenience stores, many 24/7, also dot the city at higher prices.
The most popular and best accessible mall of the city is WestEnd on Nyugati tér.
Alcohol is sold at every one, but some (mostly residential) districts enact a ban on the sale between 22.00-06.00. The central Pest districts don’t have such limitations in place.
Tobacco is sold at tobacconists (‘nemzeti dohánybolt’ ). These shops are also exempt from the evening alcohol sale ban if you find yourself in such a district. Flavored cigarettes are banned in Hungary, so no Black Devils or Sobranies.
Budgets (per person)
For reasonable comforts, I would suggest aiming for at least €50 per day excluding accommodation. Hotel prices significantly vary in and outside high season.

• Shoestring: <€50 (hostel dorm €10, attractions €5+, meals and entertainment €10+)
  
• Mid-range: €75-150 (1/2 of hotel room or great Airbnb €30+, attractions €20+, meals and entertainment €25+)
  
• In comfort: €150+ (1/2 of comfy hotel €75+, attractions €30+, meals and entertainment €50+)
  

Getting around
Do not buy the Budapest Card, it is not a bargain, even if every travel blogger seems to think otherwise! You would need to visit at least 3-4 museums a day to break even and the free visit to the pretty plain Lukács Baths could mean you’d deny yourself going to the much more interesting mainstream alternatives, such as Gellért or Széchenyi. The discounted museums are second-rate and typically not what most visitors choose to hit up on their own.
Do buy a public transport travelcard, the 1, 3 or 5-day unlimited options require no validation or ID (common reasons for fines). For week-long stays, the 7-day travelcard needs an ID number and that you have the document on you at all times. Please do not try to get around by using single tickets!
The travelcards are economical (from €5/24h to €15/week) and easy to use: no validation, you just show it to the controllers. Validity starts immediately by default, or you can select a later starting date (always from midnight). 7-day and monthly passes require an ID/passport number, and you must have the ID on you whenever you travel, otherwise you risk getting fined! Groups of 4 or more can also buy the even more economical '24h group travelcard', but all persons must travel together using that.
Common reasons for fines

• Forgetting to validate single or transfer tickets
• Entering the subway station without a valid ticket
• Not having the ID on you for the 7-day travelcard or monthly passes (if you are fined for this, you have 2 business days to present it to the central BKK office for a reduced fine)

Ticket inspectors (must have an anonymized badge and armband) are notoriously brash, speak subpar English. Paying on the spot lets them give you a discounted fine of 8000 instead of the regular 16000 through postal order or wire transfer, they aren't looking to scam you if they offer you that. Fines are pursued internationally through collection agencies, multiplying the original amount once their fees are added.
Cheapest way to get to the city from the airport is by public transport. I suggest paying the 900Ft supplementary ticket for the 100E bus. The southern portion of the M3 subway is under reconstruction, during that period the 200E buses go beyond their usual terminus, Kőbánya-Kispest and take you to Nagyvárad tér station, where the subway runs from. The purple ticket machines at the airport and all over the city take chipped cards. Shuttle bus is a good compromise between price and comfort and depart when full or close to.
Ignore touts walking up to you offering cabs in the arrival hall, use the official Főtaxi booth immediately outside the building. Rates are centralized: flagfall 700Ft, 300Ft/km, 75Ft/min waiting. The fair price to the centre is around 7-9.000Fts. Rides inside the centre are typically under 3.000. All taxi companies have passable reputations with a few horror stories about each, Főtaxi (+36-1-222-2222), 6x6 Taxi (+36-1-666-6666), City Taxi (+36-1-211-1111) are a few. There are some stories of even company cab drivers trying to rip off naive-looking tourists, especially around train and bus stations, so consider legal Uber-alternative Taxify/Bolt (Android, iOS). Uber is banned.
Most companies have apps, but they have terrible design and might set an unchangeable pick up location 5-10 minutes away from you. It’s much better to order by phone, they have English-speaking operators. If you must use an app, choose Taxify.
Scams
Cabbies are the only ones eclipsing the ticket inspectors in notoriety. I cannot emphasize enough: DO NOT USE THE ONES WITH ‘FREELANCER’ ON THE FRONT DOORS!!! These drivers are nicknamed 'hyenas', work independently, they always have rigged meters and are known to sometimes assault customers who don’t comply with their ridiculous demands. If you hail on the street, be absolutely certain you’re getting into a company cab (logo on the front doors).
A known scam by the hyenas, fraudsters and illegal street exchangers is giving you worthless currencies with similarly high denominations as the Forint – namely the Indonesian Rupiah or the old Belarusian Ruble.
Bag handlers at the airport steal from unsecured luggage. Never put any valuables in your checked luggage!
Overly friendly, attractive women approaching you in broad daylight 'to practice their English' and taking you to scammy cafés where you'll be charged €300 for a bottle of bottom-shelf champagne are also to be avoided. Recently a Redditor reported the same happening to him through Tinder, so be very suspicious of anyone insistent on going to a particular establishment. The scam café was Hajós Café on Hajós utca. Another known scam location is Café Fidelité on Révay utca.
Otherwise general safety cautions should be exercised: watch your valuables in crowded spaces for pickpockets, be wary of overly friendly strangers approaching you and introducing the idea of going to a club or bar by their 5th sentence or of people pretending to be authority.
Policemen typically wear dark blue uniforms and white shirts , sometimes with a visibility vest and can be identified by the numbered metal badges on their chest and their separate police ID card which you can ask to inspect before complying with their orders. Scammers use fake police IDs to part you with your cash under the guise of inspecting the notes for counterfeits. Always ask to see it first: this is real, this is fake – notice where the real one has a serial number, the fake says POLICE. If the issue is anything halfway serious, ask to be escorted to the nearest police station – it will scare away scammers playing dress up.
The emergency number is 112 for police, ambulance or firefighters, there are English-speaking operators (works throughout the EU).
If you get pickpocketed, notify both the police and in case of losing your travel documents, your embassy. Thieves are usually courteous enough to leave papers near trash bins, so walk around in the neighbourhood to see if you can recover them. If you find someone else’s, hand in to the nearest police station.
Getting around
the city is easy, Budapest has one of the best public transport systems of the continent. Use Google Maps for orientation and getting around! Tickets and passes with rates are listed here.
All EU/EEA citizens aged 65+ travel for free on all Hungarian public transport, including trains, distance buses. Picture ID and administrative 0 Ft ticket required. Age 65 is not included.
Student discounts are available to full-time students in EU/EEA countries with a valid student ID. If it doesn’t have it, also carry a picture ID. EU citizenship not required, you only need to study there full-time (not applicable for exchange students unless they get ID issued). The monthly student pass (3450) is cheaper than the 72h travel card (4150) for identical benefits.
The 4 subway lines are coded by numbers and, unofficially, colour (1-yellow, 2-red, 3-blue, 4-green). The busiest, M3, is under renovation until 2021, but remains in partial operation, see details here. The entire line shuts down after 8pm and all day on weekends (replacement buses operate), and one section of the line is always out of service. For 2019 it’s the southern segment, between Kőbánya-Kispest and Nagyvárad tér. During this time the 200E airport bus will take you to the more central Nagyvárad tér stop (from where the subway runs) instead of its regular terminus of Kőbánya.
In Budapest driving is not recommended for the perpetual lack of parking spaces, congestion and because there's really no need to. If you must arrive by car, pick a hotel with parking, use the free parking lot at Kelenföld subway station, street-parking by StarPark at Podmaniczky utca at ~€8/24h, or opt for a more central location (such as one of CarE Park’s garages ) at ~20€/24h, €100/week and do not use it for getting around in the city. Public areas are metered in the entire centre, typically charging 1.5€/h with a cap of 3 hours on a ticket.
The Bubi city bike system is available for anyone’s use. The rates are very favourable (500Ft for 1-day, 1000 for 3 for the pass), but a deposit of €80 will be docked when you register and might take a few weeks to release. First 30 minutes are free, after it's 500Ft/30min on top of the daily pass' price.
Two e-car sharing systems compete in Budapest. I suggest using MOL Limo, as you can complete your licence verification remotely (do it before arrival, they might take a day or three if they are backlogged). Despite the name, the cars are tiny, automatic VW up!s, the majority electric and all automatic. Age limit 18, min. 1-year old national licence, foreign ones accepted, €20 registration fee and €0.25/min rate. Coverage includes basically every area of note to tourists in the centre, except the Castle and underground garages (as well as the airport). Expansion is planned for the future. You cannot park (leave the car) outside the coverage area, but you can drive through.
Sightseeing
The best rated tour bus company is Big Bus, Giraffe (aka. the red Hop On Hop Off ones) tends to get mixed-to-negative reviews. Segway tours also available.
Free thematic walking tours of the city depart in front of the lion fountain on Vörösmarty tér daily. A tip of 2000-2500Ft/person suggested, but they're are chill about it, you can give less if you're on a budget.
River cruises run during the day and the evening, including dinner (usually not great, save for one) or party in the latter case. The most popular is Legenda, partiers choose Boat Party.
One standout cruise is Pannónia Gastro Boat that goes above and beyond the standard quality of service of other operations and often host guest chefs from innovative countryside restaurants.
Public transport alternative is the D11 or D12 boat lines between Boráros tér going up to Népfürdő utca (or getting off at Jászai Mari tér or Margaret island 1 or 2 stops prior). Tram 2 between Jászai Mari tér and Boráros tér hugs the Danube on the Pest side and loops around the Parliament for a similarly nice experience. Seasonal operations, normally from March through October.
Money
The currency of Hungary is the Hungarian Forint (1EUR=330HUF, 1USD=300HUF in November 2019), but I’ve listed prices in Euros (€). Check for current rates here.
Don't exchange Forints at home, bring USD/EUGBP in cash or a chipped card with you – the withdrawal fee is far smaller than what you’d lose by the atrocious rates available to you at home (exception: neighbouring countries).
With cards, Visa, Mastercard are best, Maestro acceptable. Avoid Amex, Diners Club and other uncommon non-European issues.
CAD/AUD/JPY/CNY will be exchanged at slightly worse rates, but still much better than if you’d exchange Forints at home. I don't recommend bringing currencies other than the ones I've mentioned and those from neighboring countries, but if you do, Tichi Change exchanges almost every valid currency in the world at as good of a rate as you could realistically hope for.
When the ATM asks you if you want to be charged in your home currency, say no and opt for Forints or you'll lose up to 30% due to the poor conversion rate! Learn more about the rip-off of dynamic currency conversion here and steer clear of the ATMs operated by Euronet. Besides the dynamic currency conversion ripoff, they will also prompt you to withdraw ridiculously high amounts of money (equivalent of $500 or more) that you will not be able to spend in 3-4 days.
Don't exchange any money with bright orange Interchange they use ripoff rates (>30% spread). They hava e monopoly at the airport and are also present throughout the city in premium locations, such as Váci utca. Street exchange is illegal and a good way to get scammed.
Tons of fine currency exchanges around the city, the best USD and EUR rates are at Gold Change but use your eyes: the buy/sell spread shouldn’t be more than 1-3% apart for these, or 2.5-5% at banks. Exchange offices and banks do not take cards! You may only use them for ATM withdrawals.
Phones
Make sure to bring an unlocked phone, ideally a dual-SIM one.
The 3 main carriers are Vodafone, Telekom (T-Mobile) and Telenor. The best prepaid package is Telekom's Domino Fix with the 1/3/30-day unlimited 4G add-on, costing 990+9900Fts (€32) for the 30-day option. SIM cards need to be activated after purchase, so buy them at brand stores where help is available instead of supermarkets or gas stations.
Roaming fees within the EU have been abolished in 2017, you will be able to use your SIM in any EU member country, but not as if it would be local. I.e. a Vodafone Hungary-issued SIM will be roaming on Vodafone Austria’s network. Some 'reasonable' data caps remain in place, which are determined by the cost of your service.
Outside the EU there are punitive data rates. I once managed to rack up a $90 bill for 5MB by accident.
Sleep
Rates are for high season (late April through September, Christmas, NYE), might be 50+% lower on other dates

• For 0 hours (party hostels, from €10): Grandio, Retox, Carpe Noctem Vitae
• On a budget (well-reviewed hostels, dorm, private rooms €10-35, apartments €40-60): Lavender Circus, Maverick City Lodge, Pal’s, The Groove, Loft, standard Airbnbs
• Mid-range (€80-150): Mamaison, Cortile, Memories Oldtown, Casati, upscale Airbnbs
• In style (€150-250): Palazzo Zichy, Bródy Studios, Moments, Prestige, Corinthia, this palatial Airbnb
• Lavishly (€250+): Aria, Ritz-Carlton, Four Seasons (the gold standard), Kempinski

Location: if you plan on sleeping, the party district (VII., inside the ring road) should be avoided, as well as VIII. outside of it and around Keleti train station for safety reasons/because you can get nicer digs elsewhere. An under the radar gem of an area is VII. between Múzeum körút and the ring road. Buda is nowhere as dead as tourists collectively imagine it to be (especially around Széll Kálmán tér), don’t shun it if you find someplace nice there.
Eat at

• Rosenstein (best traditional Hungarian restaurant in the country)
• Két Szerecsen (cozy Hungarian)
• Olimpia (casual fine dining)
• Borkonyha (business casual fine dining, Michelin-star)
• Stand25 (Bib Gourmand bistro - don't miss the goulash and the layered potatoes!)
• Kispiac (modern Hungarian)
• Vén Hajó (restaurant ship with amazing panorama and well-done Hungarian food - touristy, but still memorable!)
• Petrus (French-Hungarian, Bib Gourmand)
• Dobrumba (Arabic)
• Tüköry (traditional Hungarian on a budget)
• Ruben (traditional Hungarian on a budget)
• Bors (soups & sandwiches with a cult following)
• Manu+ (authentic Neapolitan pizza).

For more detailed restaurant recommendations, see this comment. August visitors, check the restaurants' websites and Facebook to see if they aren't on holiday!
The quality of service is a common source of complaints, don't take it too hard if it happens to you. Tip is 10% most of the time, unless you’re really dissatisfied or find yourself absolutely elated. Many top end restaurants add a ~12% service charge to the bill, tipping on top of that is not expected, though naturally it will be appreciated.
Neither regular, nor ost fast food restaurants do refills. The only exceptions are all KFCs and a few Burger Kings.
Smoking is banned at all restaurants, bars and basically every facility open to the public. Designated smoking areas can be found outside on the street.
Try pálinka (~40% ABV fruit brandy), Unicum (herbal bitteaperitif, like Jäger), bikavér from Eger and Szekszárd (lit. ‘bull’s blood’, a full-bodied red), Tokaji aszú (similar to white Port, made of hand-picked berries with noble rot, named the "wine of kings, king of wines" from the 18th century) or fröccs (spritzer, white or red wine mixed with seltzer – a lifesaver in the summer)!
More details in the shopping section.
Or get really local and ask for ’fény’, carbonated vodka foam over raspberry syrup. You’ll see the fény (=light) at the end of the tunnel in no time!
Eat a freshly fried lángos at market halls (acceptable toppings: sour cream, garlic, cheese, perhaps ham and cabbage - certainly none of that tourist stuff with nutella, Hungarian sausage or kebab...) and fried sausage from a butcher shop such as 1951 establishment Balla Hús in Városház utca or the more contemporary Belvárosi Disznótoros eatery. The gallery of the Hold utca market hall hosts quality street food vendors, Karaván food truck yard right next to Szimpla.
Nightlife
For more detailed recommendations, including strip clubs, casinos and more, see this comment.
A casual evening

• Doblo - wine bar
• Élesztő - craft beer pub
• Csendes - bohemian hangout
• Nappali - neighborhood bar with great whiskies

Ruin pubs

• Szimpla
• Instant-Fogasház
• Mazel Tov
• Pótkulcs (low-key, occasional folk concerts)

Mainstream clubs

• Akvárium
• Ötkert
• Story
• HEAVEN
• Fröccsterasz
• Raqpart (seasonal only)
• BRKLYN
• BoB

Techno

• Lärm
• Aether
• Arzenál

Rock and miscellaneous

• Dürer Kert
• A38 (a converted Ukrainian barge – a unique experience)
• Barba Negra Track

Gay bars

• Alterego
• Why Not

Get out
See train schedules on Elvira, check for buses on menetrendek.hu (this site combines bus and train schedules, but has no English version, check for the orange or blue icon on the left side to see which is which).
Daytrip options include

• Szentendre: a bit different from its Scottish peer (lit. 'St. Andrews') quaint, cobblestoned artist town, chock full of galleries, art museums, restaurants – and tourists. The biggest attraction requires a short cab ride out of town, the open-air ethnography museum, Skanzen, with authentic recreations of functioning village clusters (open March through October). Best restaurant, oddly enough, cooks up a Caribbean fare at the hand of the Curaçaoan owner and his Hungarian wife: Mjam. Reachable by the H5 suburban railway from Batthyány tér (requires extension ticket for segment outside city limits - that's after Békásmegyer station, you need a 15km extension)
  
• Visegrád and Esztergom: a Renaissance castle with a panorama in the first, Central Europe’s largest cathedral in the second – and all this can be done on a scenic hydrofoil or boat trip in season!
  
• Eger: the location of a key Hungarian victory over invading Ottoman forces, this popular excursion destination is famous for its medieval castle, Baroque center, random museums (Beatles, firefighting and marzipan to name a few), its reputable wineries producing full-bodied, cabernet-like reds (bull’s blood, bikavér) and the limestone terraced natural spa of neighboring Egerszalók. Suggested wineries: St. Andrea, Tibor Gál, Demeter, Bolyki. Eat at Macok restaurant (by the castle entrance), they are excellent!
  
• Etyek: the nearest wine region to Budapest, they focus on whites. Although not as spectacular as the previous examples, it's a worthwhile visit for wine aficionados in the summer and autumn. Typical varieties include Irsai Olivér, királyleányka and Muscat Lunel (sárgamuskotály).
  

For multi-day excursions, including to lake Balaton and detailed information on car rental, countryside and international tourism opportunities, click here

So, you wanna go to SHOT show? You think it's all fun and games? Get to play with guns? See Jesse James and R. Lee Ermey? SHOT show is the annual pilgrimage of the unwashed masses to Las Vegas to rub elbows with youtube celebrities, bloggers and overseas businessmen copying US made equipment and share infectious disease.
If you love guns, gambling and gonorrhea - SHOT show is for you! It is not my typical idea of a good time. I am not a big fan of Las Vegas.
However: I do attend for a few reasons. First, I do enjoy travel and I'm platinum on AA so I can usually score an upgrade. Second, industry people are in there that I do hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars with business with so it's nice to put a face with the name and see what deals are out there. SHOT for me has been a bust for the past few years. Being a value guy, I want to buy at $1000 and sell at $3000 and as of recently the gun business is more like buy for $1 and sell for $1.10 if you get what I mean.
We used to do business at SHOT and now it's just checking in on foursquare, instagram and rubbing elbows with bloggers and the like. I want to make money, not spend money so this is very annoying to me.
Anyways, onto the play by play.
Monday, January 16th. One day before SHOT show.
http://imgur.com/a/HoFUm
Every time I've been rejected by a woman, I move $1 from checking into savings and I take the bankroll down to the Wynn for some play. Lets do this.
The TSA line is a shitshow thanks to, well TSA.
I slog my way to the lounge, as shitty as it is to wait for my winged chariot to DFW. I have gone from being in an abusive relationship with Delta to being in an abusive relationship with AA. Although if you really want to experience the battered spouse feeling, UA is a few gates over. This trip's light reading is trying to finish "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell. Such a good book as well as "Outliers" if you want a good read.
I walk up to the podium to find out that my upgrades do not clear, even as an AA Plat thanks to the addition of a FOURTH elite tier. Goddamn fucking W. Doug Parker. Asshole. I gate check my bags to make life easier for me and the rest of the folks. The gate agent calls concierge key and executive platinum passengers. I look down and realize I'm wearing a suit and board with the executive platinum folks because I do not care and I look the part. If you walk with a purpose and are dressed reasonably well, you fit the profile. I settle into my window seat and try to finish outliers. I pass out before takeoff and I'm awoken by the dulcet tones of the flight attendants preparing for landing. We land at Dallas a few minutes early and I hightail it to the Centurion for a quick bite to eat. I grab a plate and help myself to some of the excellent brisket, pecan encrusted chicken and some roasted jumbo asparagus. Yes, my pee is going to smell funny. No, I do not care. The lounge is packed. The bar is full and I grab a quick single malt as I have my meal since American's not going to feed me. They begin boarding to Mccarran as I walk out of the lounge. No time for a stop in the spa on this trip. I make it to the gate just as the call group 2 boarding.
I bypass the main line and walk up through the priority line giving no heed to the people that have been waiting there before me as I hold up my paper boarding pass with PLATINUM to the gate agent. I board and take my usual seat - the exit row without the seat in front of it. I'm aghast to see this sight.
http://imgur.com/a/dygil
The savages. Literally. The savages.
I put my loathing away for a moment and look down at the exit row. I have the window. The aisle is a large middle aged man and in the middle is what I believe to be a formecurrent linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys wearing a 52 regular sports jacket. He's not a fat guy in a little coat, he's a big fucking hulk of a man stuffed in an exit row seat that is already an inch narrower due to the tray table. I grimace as I take my seat and give him the manly nod. He does not look happy about the fact that his knees are in the seat in front and I'm stretched out like a Cheshire cat in front of a fireplace on a cold January afternoon.
The boarding door closes for an on time departure and Stephanie the FA takes her seat. He leans over and asks if he can take the empty row across the aisle and she takes one look at the three of us and gives him the nod. I bail out to give him a path of egress and suddenly the trip to Las Vegas has just become way more comfortable. I finish The Tipping Point somewhere over west texas, so I pop a xanax and dr pepper and zone out for the rest of the ride. I awake to feel one of the FA's jostling me awake telling me to put my seat up. I do so and we have a ride so smooth that not even the Delta guy behind me can complain about light chop. We catch the TYSSN4 arrival and the next thing I know it the Messier Dowty landing gear of the A321 touch the paint at Mccarran for a smooth rollout down 25L.
My phone battery is approaching grim death since this seat has no power plugs and I find bartman383 has sent me a message. He has been enjoying LV with his wife and their due to bad weather they are in the city of sin for a few extra nights. He invites me to dinner. I'm still pretty full from DFW and I tell him I'll be over there once I get my bags and the car and I'll see him when I see him. He gives me the info for the hotel as we pull up to the gate.
First stop: Centurion lounge. AA's app tells me bags being unloaded. I grab a quick bite of fried chicken and brussels sprouts since they are good for you and a chocolate pudding. The brisket and pecan encrusted chicken from DFW still has me full but I'm well aware of the speed of a union baggage handlers nowadays and who doesn't like chocolate pudding? Terrorists. That's who. Want to know how to screen for terrorists TSA? Set up a table of free chocolate pudding at the airport. The people who don't take any are members of ISIS. It's just that simple.
I grab my bag and hoof it to Hertz. I'm an idiot and I am an hour late for my pickup. Oops. Will an Audi A3 suffice? I sigh and I accept my Teutonic quattro chariot. I do a burnout in the parking garage and hightail it to the exit. I flash my #1 card and my ID and the gatekeeper gives me the go ahead. I get onto the the strip and traffic is awful. I'm going to be late for dinner. I make a left onto Russell Road and hightail it up the 15. I manage to get the car up to 100 as I pass the Luxor. My phone is dead so I can't message Bart about being late. Fuck. The exit approaches quickly as I put the 4 wheel disk brakes to work and sling the car around and head south on Las Vegas Bl. I accidentally turn into the Bellagio and I'm now running even more late. Fuck. Eventually, I get the car into the garage at the Cosmopolitan and head upstairs. I cannot remember the name of the restaurant but I head up to the third floor where all the restaurants are and I see this sign that's reminiscent of my days in retail.
It says RESTAURANT - LOUNGE - PAWN SHOP.
I laugh. I walk in. It's literally a pawnshop. I look around puzzled.
FC: Is this a restaurant?
Bald Headed Guy: Yes, through that door.
He points towards a door. I walk in to find a bustling restaurant, lounge via the entrance of pawnshop. This is insane. I pass a mirror and check myself out. I adjust my tie, after all it is YSL and the ladies LOVE YSL. Remember that. I find the hostess and inform her I will be joining some friends for dinner. They probably do not have me on the reservation though but I turn on the charm and she smiles and says no problem at all. She asks if my tie is from Hermes. I say no, I'm a YSL guy. She looks impressed as I tell her I'll make a quick lap of the room to see if they're there and surprise them. She gives me a nod and tells me to go right ahead. Still got it.
I spot bart and his wife who I can only remember vaguely from gunnitlive after party video and I pull up a chair. Bart is surprised to see I made it and they are in the middle of dinner. They offer to ply me with food and beverage but I decline as I'm driving so no booze for me and no food since I am stuffed from Dallas. We chat about life and liberty over libations. Bart's wife thinks I am hysterical. She's had a few drinks and they are already into their main courses. The brussels sprouts are way too salty and we have to send it back. No bueno.
Bart invites me up to his suite on the top floor of the hotel where we are to meet Brogelicious later in the evening. I say, when in rome......we head to the top floor of the hotel tower where Bart shows me his view from the balcony and cracks open the mini bar for some more libations. He asks if I want a drink and I say I better not. I'm driving.
Not 30 seconds after arriving, brogel shows up. Bart's wife hugs brogel. She's infatuated with him. We start shooting the shit and bart opens up the minibar and tells us to take anything we want, it's on the hotel. I laugh and I look outside as bart opens his yeti 110 for some silver bullets. Apparently he is so baller the hotel will send up a yeti 110 filled with beer to make him happy. His wife is apparently such a baller. I ball on a budget. They just ball. Hahaha.
We shoot the shit some more about guns, gun stuff and people on the reddit for a while. I get a little thirsty and I crack open bart's cooler. I ask him how long the stuff in the cooler is supposed to last and he says until Wednesday.
I look down and I am agape at what I see.
We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
I mentally prepared my butthole and I decided to help myself to a coors light against my wishes but Bart, Bart's wife and Brogel are all drinking so I let peer pressure take hold as I cracked open a beer with them. We head out to the balcony to smoke some cuban cigars together as bart's wife takes a photo of all of us. We all look like hell. Haha.
As bart downs his second beer, he asks me a question.
Bart: ever go hunting?
Me: Ducks a little bit but not much
Bart: ever want to hunt some deadly game?
Me: Like on african safari?
Bart: No, I mean like.........man.
Me: Hahahahhahaaha you're just fucking with me. Hahahahahhaa. That's really funny.
Bart: No really, the concierge here at this hotel will set it up for us. It's amazing. I remember my first hunt......
Brogel starts laughing and I realize they've been doing a bit. I've been had.
We bullshit about SHOT and Barrett's shotguns and other things and next thing I know, it's late but bart hands me a mixed drink. I sip it a bit and I was in the middle of a tirade complaining about my customers. Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the city, and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals? Nobody seems to understand what I'm talking about. It's cold on the balcony. Our cigars are done. We head indoors. No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastards will see them soon enough.
Back indoors I realize Brussels sprouts and coors light is a bad choice. Seriously no bueno. I excuse myself to the bathroom and drain the vein. The asparagus funny smelling pee and the side effects of beer and brussels sprouts is a noxious combination that a defense contractor should weaponize it. It's pretty bad and not even cuban tobbaco can mask the smell.
I sit back down and continue to talk about guns and stuff with bart and the gang and bart asks who ruined the bathroom. I apologize as he sprays a bunch of febreze around and opens the balcony. I apolgize to brogel. He is not accepting my apology. (sorry :( )
Nearly 11, it's about time to pull chocks and mosey on down the dusty trail. I don't want to prompt an evacuation of the hotel due to noxious odors so I decide to leave and bart seems to be kinda mad that I've ripped ass and polluted the sanctuary of his hotel. Half a coors light and brussels sprouts are no bueno in my book now. Bart decides to party hard with his wife and I offer brogel a ride home. He seems skeptical to share a confined space with me after I have just destroyed bart's hotel room. The car has 4 windows and the Uber will cost him a few bucks he can put towards ammo. He relents as we head down to the garage to find my car. Thankfully we find it quickly and I manage to contain the weapons of ass destruction for the 16 minute ride off strip to casa de brogel.
He says I'm not that bad a dude and I agree as I hightail it to my hotel. I cannot find my hotel reservations so I call my travel agent to see.
Apparently the Wynn was not in my travel budget this year. I have come to find out I have been booked at Circus Circus, much to my chagrin. How bad could it be? I've stayed at the Wynn. I've stayed at Encore. I've stayed at the hotel that Elisabeth Shue's character got raped in in Leaving Las Vegas - but Circus Circus? Did I mention that I HATE CLOWNS? I HATE CLOWNS. Fuck.
I pull into the parking garage and the check in line resembles something straight out of the TSA line at Mccarran. 45 minutes to check in. The clerk is friendly and says he's also from Louisiana which is neat. He asks if I've stayed there before and I, being a connoisseur of old vegas history I decide to make a joke and I tell him the last time I was there, Jay Sarno owned the place. He got a laugh. I head up to my room and unpack. The lobby is clean as an old vegas casino can be, the room is clean and there's no way to plug anything in since the hotel predates personal electronic devices. I plug my phone into my external battery and collapse on the bed. I message Bart and chugbleach instead of falling asleep about show tomorrow and I offer to pick bart up early since there is no shuttle from the cosmo.
Tuesday, November 16th SHOT Show Day One
I awoke several hours later in a daze......the clock said 10AM. The show opened at 8:30. Fuck me to tears. I hurry up and get dressed and down to the sands convention center. The parking lot is FULL. The entire complex is a mess. When my man Steve Wynn built his joint he didn't build enough parking. So people would park at the Venetian and now FUCKING NOBODY CAN GET A PARKING SPACE. Holy shit. I eventually say fuck it and park over at the Wynn and walk over to the Sands. I meet up with a few of my regular suppliers and I see nothing interesting at all. Bart went to bed at 6AM after spending all night partying with his wife over at the palazzo. I joke and say that he just should have stayed there. Bart is amazed at the size of the show and we have lunch at the most disgusting place in las vegas - the convention center bistro snack bar. Bart is a wise man as he grabs a powerade and a fruit cup. I decide to try an "italian beef" and a fruit cup instead of fries to stay semi health conscious. The "italian beef" is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. It is flat out depressing. They give me fries with it and I demand a fruit cup. The sassy black woman working the stand asks me "DID YOU ASK FOR FRUIT? CAUSE RIGHT HERE SAYS FRIES" and I channel my inner Louis CK from the "this is how I talk" bit from SNL as I shoot back "WHY YOU FRONTIN ON ME I ASKED FOR FRUIT AND YOUR ASS BETTER BACK UP AND GET ME SOME FRUIT" so she goes back and gets me some fruit.
The "italian beef", my fruit cup, bart's fruit cup and powerade comes to $81. My platinum amex comes out and I treat bart to "lunch". We bullshit about guns and stuff in the Springfield booth as we wait at the world's worst concession stand. We eat and Bart is so hungover that he thinks he is in need of physical therapy and a wheelchair. There is no way he is going to party tonight before his trip home. Or so I think. Haha.
I meander around the show a bit more and I find this, the most USELESS PRODUCT OF 2017. It's made by a company called radetec.
http://imgur.com/a/GOiCB
It's a shot counter. For your gun.
A digital odometer, for your gun.
The only person that would buy this is the guy like my dad that kept a spiral bound notebook in his car where he documented how many miles he traveled per tank, gallons dispensed, PRICE, service station and whether they had a different price for cash/charge, oil consumption, tire rotations, alignments, all services - scheduled or otherwise, and a running odometer. Does anyone know the gun owner who asks for a round count when they are looking at a used gun? The question I always shoot back is "do you want to be lied at a little or do you want to be lied at a lot?" because that's what you're asking for when you ask for round count.
UNLESS YOU BUY THIS PRODUCT!
I roll my eyes so far back into my head that I nearly lose my balance. This is idiotic. I cannot fathom anyone willing to buy this. What a waste of perfectly good exhibition space.
Bart heads back to his hotel after visiting SHOT show for a few hours, not getting any swag and to get an IV of fluids since he looked like he was rapidly approaching grim death.
I wrap up visiting prime vendors and checking out the new products, or lack thereof because I have something on the schedule. At 4:30 there's a suicide prevention for retailers seminar hosted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. As many of you know this is an issue that is important to me and perhaps we as retailers should be doing more. The keynote was from their chief medical director talking about the accessibility of firearms and the mindset of the "typical" suicide. Mostly men. If you are a veteran you are at a significantly larger risk. The information was presented very not surprisingly and one of the things discussed was that we only spend around 21M a year on suicide prevention.
A few take away facts from the keynote:
When suicide barriers are put up on a bridge, suicide rates for the entire area drop. The key to preventing suicide is getting people to talk about their problems. Once you can get someone out of that mindset, they are statistically less likely to do it and live productive lives afterwards. There are certain terms that they are trying to get away from - for instance, they are not saying "committed suicide" they are now saying "died by suicide" in order to bring awareness and tell it like it is.
One thing that really was interesting to me was my reading on the flight in from Dallas. In The Tipping Point, Gladwell discusses how things stay the same and suddenly they all change. One of the things that he discusses is in micronesia - where teen suicide was practically unheard of became an outright epidemic. One teenager did it, for reasons passing understanding to me as an outsider and then all the other kids realized that they too could escape their pain by hanging themselves as well and suddenly the suicide rates in micronesia became so high to where it became a public health issue. I wish I could show you all the article I wrote on TTAG about my friend's death but it has been lost in the cloud and I am unable to find the last draft I sent to print, but it echoes some of the problems we have with suicide and mental health in the firearm industry.
After the keynote, the good doctor opened the floor up for questions. Her keynote posed a lot of statistics but not a lot of answers. I am a detail oriented granular data guy and I did not get a solid grasp of the AFSP solutions posed, if any.
Several firearm dealers discussed the lack of a cohesive solution and the takeaway was they're trying to develop awareness for the suicide problem. Their goal is to lower suicide rates but how they get there is yet to be determined. I didn't like hearing that and the comments from the crowd reflected the lack of a "here's what you can do TODAY to help this problem" part of the initiative.
Going around the room, one dealer who used NICS said that if a customer was just flat out acting funny - he'd lie to the customer and say there was a delay with NICS even though there was an approval just to get them to not be able to have a gun for a few days. The crowd applauded this initiative, however I'm not sure lying to customers is the best way to run a business and treat them with respect. Another dealer brought up an interesting point. When someone comes in looking to buy a gun and they don't know what kind of gun they want, what caliber, and are generally clueless - they're either buying a gun to kill themselves with, OR perhaps they are a very uneducated prospective customer - and there is no clear way of finding out which is which.
The problems presented by the AFSP are real. The solutions aren't there though. Yet. Ideally I'd like to see some change to that. However, there's some problems.
I hung around and asked the good doctor and her staff some questions and I am in no way denigrating her life's work and her dedication to preventing suicide since she has dedicated her life's work to the issue, but the conversation went something like this.
Did you do any research on the accessibility of firearms from a retailer from the legal standpoint?
"No, we haven't"
Do you know how the NICS or state POC background systems work in regard to mental health holds, etc?
"No"
One of the problems that I foresee right off the bat is that you talked about how you are fighting time, and if you can get someone out of that suicide mindset - even for a few hours, you can get them into that higher survival bracket. If we apply a one size fits all solution to it like California and put a 10 day wait on everything with the goal of protecting someone from their own life, how do we balance that with the needs of the woman who has been hiding from her abusive spouse and needs a gun right away?
"That's a good question that I don't have an answer for."
Their initiative, I admire - the lack of solutions is a little off putting however. I tell the doc about how my friend's suicide has impacted me and she seems to be sympathetic to the situation as does her colleagues. I am given her cards and told to call the next time I'm in New York so we can get together and discuss things within the industry. I'll give them a buzz in a few weeks when I'm up there on business. On my way out of the hall, I run into Massad Ayoob. Nice guy. I've admired his work over the years. Bart invites myself and chugbleach to dinner, I can't reach Chug and even though I am beat I decide to hang out with Bart and Mrs Bart
Bart: What do you want to eat?
FC: Let's find a nice seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon, I feel a powerful lust for red salmon.
I begin vomiting.
God damn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure?
We eventually head downstairs and order too much food. We are tired and not very hungry. Bart is still hungover and barely able to process food. His wife is grazing on all sorts of meat products. I am in awe of how they are both still upright after six nonstop nights of partying. I've only been here one day and I feel like I am about to die.
Dinner concludes with an awkward hug with bart's wife - I don't know how other men feel about wife hugs so I have just avoided the prospect entirely. Like flying through Denver on Frontier. Or flying on Frontier. Ever.
I drive over to the Wynn to set up my markers and the poker room is full. I draw a $2500 marker at the craps table and watch the game a bit. I have never played craps before in my life but the three people there seem to be having fun.
I look down at my phone and I realize a plane has landed. fluffy_butternut has landed in Las Vegas on business. I had lost a bet and offered to pick him up from the airport. I cash back in my chips against my casino credit and head back to my car. I cannot find my car. Fuck. I wander the wynn garage which is covered in construction debris. I eventually find it and haul ass to the airport. Now, I didn't know this but fluffy has the WORST SENSE OF DIRECTION AT ALL. Seriously. I have no idea how he even made it to the correct city. He lands and has to get his bag and stuff and I circle the airport. He lets me know he's at door 77 wherever the fuck that was. I drive into the pickup portion and I see no sign. He then says he's coming up a level, and I tell him that I'll be there shortly. I park the car and Metro PD starts yelling.
Metro: You can't park your car here.
FC: Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park?
Metro: Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is the sidewalk!
I give the man a $20 and tell him to keep it running as I wander Mccarran screaming FLUFFY! HERE FLUFFY! I message fluffy to let him know I am the car parked on the sidewalk. I instantly figure out who he is having never seen a photo of him and I throw his bags into the car as we head for his hotel. I haul ass out of the airport and get the A3 on the highway.
Now this was a superior machine. Thirty nine grand worth of gimmicks and high-priced special effects. The rear windows lit up with a touch like frogs in a dynamite pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand.
We check in at the Rio where the desk clerk is friendly and flirty. I express amazement there is no line. Fluffy checks in and we take his bags upstairs and he offers to buy me food for driving him to the airport. I decline. We head to the bar anyways. He orders two beers and we decide to call chug. He's staying out in Summerlin or something because his company is apparently run by cheapskates. He asks if we want to hang out and shoot the shit. I say sure and ask if he wants us to pick up food or anything from CVS or something since I have the car and I'm able to do anything I want. He asks for some toothpaste. No problem. I may be an asshole on the internet but I have a heart of gold. We get some toothpaste get to the hotel.
Arriving at the lobby, we have no idea where he is. It turns out he gave us the address for the hotel across the street. We laugh and go to that lobby and shoot the shit till 3AM much to the chagrin of the hotel clerk. Fluffy has some beers and we plan on dinner the next day. I drive fluffy back and arrive at the hotel at 4. Fuck me to tears.
Wednesday, January 18th. Day 2 of SHOT show.
Alarm goes off at 7:30 AM. I wash up, eat and get breakfast. In the garage by 8:15. Nice. I get some dillo dust and check out the new Sig 220 DA/SA and SAO legions. Daddy likey. I go to a competing firm and I piss of my state sales manager by telling him his newer designed triggers suck ass. He says the company tested them and they're the same in every way. I ask him why the triggers have two different part numbers in the catalog and how come they're not interchangeable and if that's really the case, how come there's X changes in the supposedly identical pistol parts that he's holding side by side. He gets mad at me and says I'm not an expert on their product and perhaps I should take his job since I'm so smart. I agree that I'm smart and I hold firm that if he didn't want me to complain about the shitty trigger, they should stop selling guns with shitty triggers. I am nearly kicked out of the booth.
I meet up with some of my wholesale reps and I'm mid convo when I see Itsgoodsoup and his friend walking around the show. I yell SOUP but he does not hear me. So I grab his friend and find him and I tell him we should get together at dinner with fluffy and chug. He agrees.
The show winds down, I get some business done and nothing much else. We break for a shitty gunnit live lite and I take a few questions from the crowd in fluffy's suite at the Rio. Dinner is at 8 and we arrive at the restaurant late to find soup and his friend sitting at one table and chug and his girlfriend sitting at another. Perhaps we should have gotten here a little earlier. Hahaha. So, fluffy said the place is really good and I order a few of the specialties of the house. Apparently according to yelp they do a kickass peking duck. Soon to be mrs chug is a vegan. But we can eat meat in front of her. I wonder how it's served and Soup's vancouver raised asian friend tells me that they normally carve it tableside. Our vegan says as long as there's no head she's cool. We're not sure if they can fulfill that request. So we order and food starts coming out and we tell tall tales of shot show BS and other stuff. Sure enough, the duck comes out with the head. No bueno. Haha. But I decide to treat us to vegan donuts at the vegan bakery across the street later. Seven courses later we are full. Vegan bakery closed. I am committed to getting her some vegan donuts though. We head to Fremont street to gamble. Fluffy wanders about and we try craps and we're not impressed. We hit some slots and eventually I hit the craps table where chug explains the game to me. We start betting on dice. And somehow we start winning. I find that the house allows you to take 10X behind the line. No idea what this means so I plop $5 on the pass line and the point hits 6. I drop $50 behind it and it hits. We go a few rounds and leave ahead. It's 2:30 AM. Fuck. I drive everyone back to their hotel. I get to sleep around 4.
Thursday, January 19th. Day 3 of SHOT show.
Wake up at 10AM feeling like crap. Debate whether to head straight to show and wander about. Fuck it. Went to halal guys for some halal. Delicious. Got vegan donuts. Dead drop them at the Palazzo lobby for chug and his girl. Show is a bust. Literally nothing exciting. Fluffy offers to buy me dinner. One of my customers who lives in Summerlin offers to take me to dinner. I pass on fluffy and he destroys the seafood buffet at the rio. I head to Sinatra at the Wynn for dinner with my customer. All good in the hood. Chug has been invited to the Glock dinneafter party and I'm not so we all go our separate ways. I call foghorn5950 and due to some weather, he's flying home early and our plans to hangout are fucked up unless I go tonight. I grab fluffy and we head to Whiskey Down. He orders a makers and I give him a funny look. I tell the waitress make it a bulleit. Everyone laughs. I talk shop with Jeremy also from TTAG and we shoot the shit over cigars and talk about useless products. Next thing we know, chug is out of the dinner and wandering the strip. We decide to meet up at the Linq. It takes us nearly 30 minutes to get out of Whiskey Down at MGM because the waitress was awful and messed up everyone's tab. It was a fucking disaster. To boot, MGM is now charging for parking.
FC: What a bunch of fucking jews
Fluff: You should just tailgate that lady in front of you out and screw them out of the $7
FC: I should
We pull behind her and watch as she gets flustered at the awful parking machine. Her nevada license plate says VETERAN. As the gate goes up we haul ass and screw MGM out of $7. I shout "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE" out the window as we blow right by her up to the Linq. Through fluffy's awful navigation, we wind up at the loading dock for the Linq. Eventually we find chug and gf hanging at the penny slots. They are holding vegan donuts, which she is very appreciative of. Least I could do after showing her the head. Fluffy plays the House of Cards slot machine.
He stuck $100 in, played for 6 minutes and then got really mad and hit the cash out button and $80 was left after 5 minutes.
ITS EXACTLY LIKE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!
Chug's gf asks to play a special slot machine called kitty glitter. We ask and the linq does not offer it but Harrahs next door does. So we head over there and the slot tech finds the kitty glitter machine. Fluffy sticks a C note in there and tells her to play and have a blast. So she's banging away at the one armed bandit WHEN SUDDENLY I HEAR THE SOUND.
It's PUTTIN ON THE RITZ in shitty .wav file internal speaker format. Hahah. She's just hit the progressive jackpot on the penny KITTY GLITTER machine. THIS PLACE IS AWESOME! We cash out after some play and a good time was had by all. I dump off fluffy at the rio since it was very close and drive everyone else back. It's late, I'm tired and the Palace Station oyster bar is open 24 hours......I head over there and there's a 45 minute wait.
So, I pull out my backup bankroll and using everything chug and fluffy have taught me about craps I belly up to the $3 min table where they let you take 10x behind the line. I'm still learning and the table is slow so one of the boxmen start explaining the game to me.
Box: So if you place the 6 or the 9 or individual numbers you can bet those but you gotta pay a little juice on it like a commission
Me: Like when you buy the hook?
short pause
Box: Yeah! Exactly like that! You got this!
So I played a little and went up a bit and down a bit. As you do. Plunked $5 down on the pass line and took full odds and the point hit. This game is pretty cool! So I hung around and watched for about an hour and finally decided to eat my winnings. I take $5 off my stack and, drop it on the pass line and announce dealer bet - $5 to pass. It hits. The dealers love me.
Maybe Vegas isn't so bad after all.
http://imgur.com/a/LGhDj
I have the pan roast at the oyster bar. No line. It is DELICIOUS. I get back to the hotel at 5AM. I don't care when I wake up.
Friday, January 20th. Day 4 of SHOT show.
Wake up around noon feeling like crap. Go to show. Debate destroying milk cart with wheels with an ax borrowed from fire station. Decide against it. Gas up car and find myself out by palace station again. Played some craps, hit the buffet and went for an early sleep.
It's midnight. The neighbors in my the hotel are having sex. A LOT OF SEX. I can hear everything. I gently knock on the door. No answer. I knock slightly harder. No answer. I head back to my room and close the door just as I hear their door open. I zoom back out to find a puzzled middle aged stocky and perhaps sticky Latino man looking both ways.
I get in his line of sight.
Me: Hey. I'm next door. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun. I get it. I really do. In fact I haven't had sex since the bush administration so I'm gunning for you man I really am. But it's midnight and I have a 6am flight and a rental car to return. So trust me when I say I'm really happy for you but if you don't mind I really need to get some sleep tonight okay?
The awkward silence is deafening. He nods without saying a word and mouths okay. I give him a manly nod and thumbs up.
Me: thanks. I'd shake your hand or fist bump but well you know.....
I give him a peace sign as he goes back into his little pleasure palace and I turn to realize that I have just locked myself out of my room. I am wearing boxers, a tshirt and barefoot. I head downstairs to the lobby. The check in at the front desk resembles the TSA line at Mccarran. Normally I would not be this rude but desperate times call for desperate measures.
The line is 50 people deep. I walk past every person. Fuck your queue. I approach the desk where someone is helping a guest and I raise my right hand as if I were in a deposition to get them to stop. The staff and guest looks puzzled as the angry barefoot man clad in nothing but boxers and a "uzi does it" tshirt approaches the desk.
Me: excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt. I have an emergency. I'm up on 8 and my neighbors are having a lot of sex. I mean a LOT of sex.
(This is the same front desk clerk who actually checked me in Monday night by coincidence looks back at me very awkwardly and puzzled.)
Me: this isn't your regular sex. I'm talking this is your (I begin air humping the front desk and slapping the granite counter with my palm and grunting loudly) sex. You could hear the plan B packaging open.
At this point - the ENTIRE FRONT DESK STAFF HAS STOPPED CHECKING IN GUESTS. The people in line and are watching the show. The clerk is stunned. Speechless. Shock and awed. Crapped out and busted. The women are covering their children's eyes and ears. The men are wondering if this show requires a 2 drink minimum.
Me: now I get this is Vegas. Everyone wants a good time. It's midnight. My flight leaves at 6 which means I have to be up by 4. And this just isn't working. So I asked them to keep it down and I locked myself out of my room. So if you can make me another key or move me I'd appreciate it.
The clerk nods.
Clerk: of course. may I see your ID?
Years of ballet have prepared me for this day. I step back to make sure my genitals are still ensconced in my boxers as I pirouette and gesticulate wildly.
Me: DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE ID?
The floor manager steps over and asks me to head down to the end of the desk where she will make me a key. I give her the room number and thank her after she offers to have security sent up to shutdown the best little whorehouse in Vegas. I tell her it may not be necessary. As I take my keys and walk away the people in line break out in raucous applause.
I take a bow and miraculously my boxer shorts don't rip. These people are my subjects and I have been crowned the the king of the three ring circus that is the circus circus lobby. Im offered a $1 tip from a kind soul but I decline.
My walk back to the hotel elevator bank is uneventful. So much so that I realize it is going too well. The other shoe, if I were wearing one felt as if it was about to drop. Suddenly a dumbass in a rascal scooter is heading toward me at flank speed as his head is turned to look at everyone BEHIND HIM. There's no way this will end well.
For you gentle readers joining us mid conversation - it's midnight and I need to be at the airport in 4.5 hours. I can just see it now. (Cue the harp noises)
Scene: Emergency room
Nurse: Allergic to anything? Me: NKDA Nurse: cause of injury? Me: what's the IC10 code for "run down by drunken buffoon on motorized wheelchair?"
I saw my life and confirmed upgraded first class seats home being given away by the Mccarran gate agent flash before my eyes and my catlike reflexes kicked in and I jumped to my left into the wall, mid 1960's Las Vegas union construction being the path of least resistance. Think "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner.
The buffoon barely realizes what happens. Children are amazed. "HEY MOM! Look! That guy just ran into a wall!"
Me: it was that OR GET RUN DOWN BY SOME JACKASS ON A GODDAMN SCOOTER GOING FULL SPEED DRIVING LIKE A....
I look down and a midwestern nuclear family with two children of formative age are waiting for the elevator. I change my last word.
Me: LUNATIC!
I look over to the parents.
Me: I'm really sorry. This is a family joint and I shouldn't have cursed the drunken scooter driver like that. Sorry kids.
Parent: no big deal. They've heard fucking worse.
I crack a smile at her word choice. Fucking worse. Yeah. That sounds like my evening.
After jumping into a wall, I'm now wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. I make the plane and push on time. The 737 comes to a stop short of the runway and holds. Something is wrong. The pilots come on and say that they loaded more cargo and passengers than planned so they have to redo their numbers. We're waiting on the taxiway with both engines running as they do this and the waiting music comes on. What's the first song?
Whitney Houston - "I Will Always Love You"