Update 2/4 - someone went ahead and spelled out the mechanics of the squeeze quite well and I would like to give their post attention https://www.reddit.com/wallstreetbets/comments/lc8vgo/slv_is_not_going_to_get_squeezedslv_is_the_trojan/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Update 2/2 - I am able to comment again. I messaged several mods on Reddit and the mod account on Twitter. None of them responded but it appears I am able to comment again so I assume one of them lifted my ban
Update 2/1 - I have been banned from posting on WSB. I guess they aren’t yet deleting my post here given the media attention. If this was a rogue mod I’d appreciate being restored the ability to post on WSB. I’m open to talking to any mods
Update 1/31 - there have been tons of 'what to buy' questions so I added a clarity post, hope it helps. It's also getting downvoted to hell because its not about GME so that's discouraging. The speed at which the downvotes flew in makes me think someone made bots to crush new posts related to SLV (or maybe anything not GME). It makes no sense for this post to have 93% upvotes and my new one to have 28%.
I have not sold my GME to buy SLV. I had a small pre-existing position in leaps I bought months ago.
Created an official Twitter handle not sure if I’ll use it, but didn’t want anyone to impersonate me on there
Here is the longer DD for the short squeeze case for SLV, a follow-up from my shorter post a few hours ago. Note that I talk in first person as this is something I’m going to do. Everyone is free to do as they individually please and copy my trade if they’d like to. I think it’s absurd that forces at be think this forum is manipulating by posting publicly but that’s where we are at right now.
First things first, I'm not doing this until the GME rise is done. I am long GME but am going long SLV immediately after.
Update 1/29: due to the manipulation and collusion of citadel, hedge funds, and brokers to change the rules and rig the game in their favor. Who likely knew ahead of time and bought puts right before and calls at the bottom, GME is too important to abandon still. SLV is still my next play but GME needs to go to $1000 and these people need to go to jail.
If you just want to know what to buy skip to the end
I present 2 investment DDs in this post, the short squeeze and the fundamentals. If you want to see what to buy
The short squeeze:
Buy SLV shares and SLV call options to force physical delivery of silver to the SLV vaults. Also buy physical silver bullion. The best possible thing would be to take physical delivery in the futures market if you have access to do so.
The silver futures market has oscillated between having roughly 100-1 and 500-1 ratio of paper traded silver to physical silver, but lets call it 250-1 for now. This means that for every 250 ounces in open interest in the futures market, only 1 actually gets delivered. Most traders would rather settle with cash rather than take delivery of thousands of ounces of silver and have to figure out to store and transport it in the future.
The people naked shorting silver via the futures markets are a couple of large banks and making them pay dearly for their over leveraged naked shorts would be incredible. It's not Melvin capital on the other side of this trade, its JP Morgan. Time to get some payback for the bailouts and manipulation they've done for decades (look up silver manipulation fines that JPM has paid over the years).
The way the squeeze could occur is by forcing a much higher percentage of the futures contracts to actually deliver physical silver. There is very little silver in the COMEX vaults or available to actually be use to deliver, and if they have to start buying en masse on the open market they will drive the price massively higher. There is no way to magically create more physical silver in the world that is ready to be delivered. With a stock you can eventually just issue more shares if the price rises too much, but this simply isn't the case here. The futures market is kind of the wild west of the financial world. Real commodities are being traded, and if you are short, you literally have to deliver thousands of ounces of silver per contract if the holder on the other side demands it. If you remember oil going negative back in May, that was possible because futures are allowed to trade to their true value. They aren't halted and that's what will make this so fun when the true squeeze happens.
Edit for more detail: let’s say there’s one futures seller who gets unlucky and gets the buyer who actually wants to take delivery. He doesn’t have the silver and realizes it’s all of a sudden damn difficult to find some physical silver. He throws up his hands and just goes long a matching number of futures contracts and will demand actual delivery on those. Problem solved because he has now matched the demanding buyer with a new seller. The issue is that the new seller has the same issue and does the exact same thing. This is how the cascade effect of a meltup occurs. All the naked shorts trying to offload their position to someone who actually has some silver. My goal is to ensure that I have the silver and won’t sell to them until silver is at a far higher price due to the desperation.
The silver market is much larger than GME in terms of notional value, but there is very little physical silver actually readily available (think about the difference between total shares and the shares in the active float for a stock), and the paper silver trading hands in the futures market is hundreds of times larger than what is available. Thus when they are forced to actually deliver physical silver it will create a massive short squeeze where an absurd amount of silver will be sought after (to fulfill their contractually obligated delivery) with very little available to actually buy. They are naked shorting silver and will have to cover all at once and the float as a percentage of the total silver stock globally is truly miniscule.
The fundamentals:
The current gold to silver ratio is 73-1. Meaning the price of gold per ounce is 73 times the price of silver. Naturally occurring silver is only 18.75 times as common as gold, so this ratio of 73-1 is quite high. Until the early 20th century, silver prices were pegged at a 15-1 ratio to gold in the US because this ratio was relatively known even then. In terms of current production, the ratio is even lower at 8-1. Meaning the world is only producing 8 ounces of silver for each newly produced ounce of gold.
Global industry has been able to get away with producing so little new silver for so long because governments have dumped silver on the market for 80 years, but now their silver vaults are empty. At the end of WW2 government vaults globally contained 10 billion ounces of silver, but as we moved to fiat currency and away from precious metal backed currencies, the amount held by governments has decreased to only 0.24 billion ounces as they dumped their supply into the market. But this dumping is done now as their remaining supply is basically nil.
This 0.24 billion ounces represents only 8% of the total supply of only 3 billion ounces stored as investment globally. This means that 92% of that gold is held privately by institutions and by millions of boomer gold and silver bugs who have been sitting on meager gains for decades. These boomers aren't going to sell no matter what because they see their silver cache as part of their doomsday prepper supplies. It's locked away in bunkers they built 500 miles from their house. Also, with silver at $23 an ounce currently, this means all of the worlds investment grade silver only has a total market cap of $70 billion. For comparison the investment grade gold in the world is worth roughly $6 trillion. This is because most of the silver produced each year actually gets used, as I have mentioned. $70 billion sounds like a lot, but we don’t have to buy all that much for the price to go up a lot.
**If the squeeze happens, it would be like 40 years worth of their gains in 4 months **
The reason that only 8 ounces of silver are produced for every 1 ounce of gold in today's world is because there aren't really any good naturally occurring silver deposits left in the world. Silver is more common than gold in the earth's crust, but it is spread very thin. Thus nearly every ounce of silver produces is actually a byproduct of mining for other metals such as gold or copper. This means that even as the silver price skyrockets, it wont be easy to increase the supply of silver being produced. Even if new mines were to be constructed, it could take years to come online.
Finally, most of this newly created silver supply each year is used for productive purposes rather than kept for investment. It is used in electronics, solar panels, and jewelry for the most part. This demand wont go away if the silver price rises, so the short sellers will be trying to get their hands on a very small slice of newly minted silver. The solar market is also growing quickly and political pressure to increase solar and electric vehicles could provide more industrial demand.
The other part of the story is the faster moving piece and that is the inflation and currency debasement fear portion. The government and the fed are printing money like crazy debasing the value of the dollar, so investors look for real assets like precious metals to hide out in, driving demand for silver. The $1.9 trillion stimulus passing in a month or two could be a good catalyst. All this money combined with the reopening of the economy could cause some solid inflation to occur, and once inflation starts it often feeds on itself.

What to buy:
Edit 2/24: I now advocate buying PSLV for shares, physical metal if the premiums come back down, and if you want options then SLV is still ok for that.
I will be putting 50% directly into SLV shares, and 50% into the $35 strike SLV calls expiring 4/16. This way the SLV purchase creates a groundswell into silver immediately that then rockets through a gamma squeeze as SLV approaches $35. Price target of $75 for SLV by end of April if the short squeeze happens.
Edit: for the part of your purchases going into shares, some people recommend PSLV because they think SLV might start lying about having the silver in their vault. Or that the custodian will be double counting, ie claiming that the same silver belongs to multiple people (banking on the fact that people wont all try to get their silver at once). So if you buy SLV shares and calls, that's great. But I think it could be prudent for us to buy options in SLV (no options on PSLV) and shares in PSLV. It all depends on how paranoid you want to be. There is a lot of paranoia in the precious metals world.
Alternate options:
- buying physical silver; this also works but you pay a premium to buy and sell so its less efficient and you take fewer silver ounces off of the market because of the premium you pay
- going long futures for February or March; if you are a rich bastard and can actually take physical delivery of 1000s of ounces of silver by all means do so. But if you simply settle for cash you are actually part of the problem. We need actual physical delivery, which is what SLV demands and is why SLV is the way to go unless you are going to take delivery
- miners; I don’t recommend buying miners as part of this trade. Miners will absolutely go up if SLV goes up, but buying them doesn't create the squeeze in the actual silver market. Furthermore, most silver miners only derive 30-50% of their revenue from silver anyways, so eventually SLV will outperform them as it gets high enough (and each marginal SLV dollar only increases miner profits by a smaller and smaller percentage)
Details on SLV physical settlement:
When SLV issues shares, the custodian is forced to true up their vaults with the proportional amount of silver daily. From the SLV prospectus:
"An investment in Shares is: Backed by silver held by the Custodian on behalf of the Trust. The Shares are backed by the assets of the Trust. The Trustee’s arrangements with the Custodian contemplate that at the end of each business day there can be in the Trust account maintained by the Custodian no more than 1,100 ounces of silver in an unallocated form. The bulk of the Trust’s silver holdings is represented by physical silver, identified on the Custodian’s or, if applicable, sub-custodian's, books in allocated and unallocated accounts on behalf of the Trust and is held by the Custodian in London, New York and other locations that may be authorized in the future."
Join me brothers. Lets take silver to the moon and take on the biggest and baddest manipulators in the world. Please post rocket emojis in the comments as desired.
Disclaimer: do your own research, make your own decisions, everything here is a guess and hypothetical and nothing is guaranteed, not a financial advisor, I have ADHD and maybe other things too.
Bear case: silver does tend to sell off if the broader market plunges so it’s not immune to broad market sell off. It’s also the most manipulated market in the world so we are facing some tough competition on the short side

FIDELITY and VANGUARD!! Transfer your MONEY now if you're stuck in RH. They've combined $9.3 trillion in AUM! They own 21.1% of GME collectively! SWITCH OVER NOW 💎👋

The boring, foolproof, non-financial financial advice everyone overlooks

Robinhood is Stealing From the Poor and Giving to the Rich

FROM A PROFESSIONAL CHEF TO YOU: The tricks that anyone should know when they buy food.

I wager everyone here knows some of these things, but I’m gonna list everything I can think of in regards to eating healthy and well. I’m gonna make this a list with sections, so hopefully it’s easy enough to parse.
—————-LEGUMES———————
-Buy these dried as often as possible. Keep a stock of beans, lentils, and dried chickpeas around if you can. They’re cheap, almost always available, and virtually imperishable. As such, assuming you don’t throw them out and keep them properly stored, buying these is a 100% return on your investment.
-Legumes are one of the most versatile options in your kitchen. As long as you soak them and put them in the fridge before you go to bed they’ll be available the next day to cook quickly. These are the best thing to have if you’re looking to stretch a meal because of their nutrient density and the fact that they’re just damn delicious on their own.
-Look into middle-eastern and African cuisine for creative ways to use these ingredients. Some really common examples are lentil curry, hummus, falafels, and putting chickpeas in a shakshuka. This isn’t a recipe post, so look up how to make them yourself - some grandma has a better (and probably even cheaper) recipe than I do.
————-GRAINS AND CEREALS ————
-Like legumes, these are very versatile. However, I find most people know very little about them outside of wheat and maybe oats. I highly recommend learning what the most commonly eaten grans and cereals in your locality are, and then finding the affordable ones. There will be at least one. I guarantee it.
-FLOUR is an essential staple, unless you’re celiac or gluten free - a topic on which I won’t speak because I’m confident anyone who has to deal with those issues knows more than I do. I recommend grabbing all-purpose flour due to its gluten content being a middle ground between low-gluten pastry flour and high-gluten bread flour. You can still use it to make bread, and it has a myriad other uses as a binder or thickener for sauces.
-RICE is amazing, as most know already, but seriously - it’s one of the most important crops in the world. It’s kept civilizations alive on its back for all of recorded history, and it’ll keep you alive, too. There is no better “fill me up” food I can think of. Wait for those huge sacks of rice to go on sale (it happens pretty frequently), then buy 2. They last forever. Ideally grab long-grain rice if you’re just looking for a side-dish or fried rice base, but in a pinch short grain’ll do; it’s just less forgiving and the starches don’t retrograde as fully so when you cool it it doesn’t keep as nicely.
-KEEP IN MIND that rice is pure carbs. It’s a good base, but you need other stuff to go with it or else you’ll be deficient in nutrients and feel awful all the time. Trust me from experience - college me went through a raw-egg-on-rice phase, and it wasn’t pretty.
-BARLEY, also, is amazing, but for other reasons. It’s high in protein and iron, and can help dramatically improve your nutrient intake for very little cost. In soups, roasted in tea (thanks Korea), and used in tandem with rice, it can go a very, very long way in making your diet a more sustainable one in times of austerity and plenty, alike.
-AVOID “SUPERFOODS”. Not because they’re bad for you - just because of their jacked prices. Not to mention oftentimes the industries surrounding them are ethical nightmares. Don’t get me started on avocado cartels and the impact of quinoa farming on low-income South American communities. In reality, most grains and cereals have a lot of nutrients and minerals, and they’re often overlooked. Learn the nutrition facts, and make decisions accordingly. Google and online databases are your friends, here.
———FRUITS AND VEGETABLES———
-ONIONS: buy them fresh and store them in dry, enclosed spaces, and buy tomatoes canned and without salt added. Use onions in almost everything, they’re delicious, cheap, and nutritious.
-TOMATOES: Good fresh and better canned. Use fresh tomatoes raw for whatever you want and use canned tomatoes for sauces. Buy canned tomatoes with as little added salt and sugar as possible.

POTATOES: Treat these as a starch option similar to grains or cereals. Buy them unprocessed, in a sack. Store them in dry, enclosed spaces.

-BASICALLY EVERY FRUIT: go for it, these things are nutrient bombs and they’re delicious. Buy them seasonally for the best value and if you have a day to do so, preserve them if you ever see a huge sale. I’m still enjoying lacto-fermented blueberries from last year’s insane blueberry harvest where I could buy a pint for a dollar.
-FOR SHOPPING: Generally when you buy produce you should go, in order, to the discount rack, then the sales, and then everything else. Someone out there has a recipe for literally everything, and some of them are even good. A pepper with a blemish or tiny spot of mold is still fine, assuming you cut away the blemish or tiny spot of mold.
-I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH; FIND THE UNDER-APPRECIATED AND OVER-SUPPLIED PRODUCE. There’s always a bin of some forgotten veggie no-one eats for some reason. In the west, at least, it seems to often be rutabagas/turnips. I’ve also seen apples in the fall, corn, and cabbages fall into this category. This is because of a good harvest, or because of a lack of consumer interest - any time this happens, capitalize on it. Everything is delicious if you cook it properly. Buy seasonally, and learn how to use the things you buy. You’ll eat like a king and pay like a pauper.
-CANNED STUFF - I generally have a personal aversion to all canned veggies and fruits except tomatoes, but that’s just my privilege speaking. If you want to buy them or if fresh produce is hard to come by, avoid getting anything with added salt or sugar. Cross-reference the nutrient info on the can with info from a fresh counterpart to avoid buying filler garbage, and try to find somewhere to live with better food accessibility. Alternatively, save up and make a killing by opening a fruit and vegetable market to remove the need to read this very ling post any further. (This is a joke and I recognize the struggle of those in impoverished communities with awful food accessibility.)
-FROZEN STUFF - frozen fruit and veg is great, mostly. Maybe dodge the chopped carrots and corn a lot of us ate growing up or find in bad takeout Chinese food, but hey - grab that bag of frozen berries or peas and throw ‘em in anything that warrants it. Technology for frozen produce has improved dramatically in the last few decades, and we should capitalize on that.
——-PROTEINS——-
-IF YOU EAT MEAT, buy the least processed cuts you can. Whole chickens, meat on the bone, and ground meats are your best friends. Go to butcher shops, if you can. Freezing meat is fine, but try to avoid buying pre-made frozen protein options. Get raw product and do the work yourself to save a LOT of cash and get better food out of it.
-MEAT IS A LUXURY, NOT AN ESSENTIAL. I say this because in modern western culture eating meat everyday is seen as normal. This is an oddity when we examine all of human history, and this notion should be abandoned if we’re trying to live more affordably. Meat is grossly overrepresented in most diets, and you should always ask if you could cut your portion of meat down in exchange for more vegetables and grains.
-LEARN HOW TO BREAK DOWN YOUR PROTEINS. A chicken isn’t just 8 portions of meat - it’s also bones and carcass for a stock or soup, fat to be rendered out and used as a cooking oil (thanks, jewish folks!), and skin to be cooked down into delicious little chips. This same list can be used for pork, beef, and any other mammal you eat.
-FISH IS IFFY. Like, as an industry. Not many people know their fish, and fish processing companies know that and capitalize on it. I always tell people who like fish to buy fresh and whole, and to learn how to pick good fish. Buying cheap processed fish products is akin to asking to be ripped off, to harm the environment, and to accumulate toxins in your body, all at the same time. To not get completely F-ed over by what is maybe the worst food industry in the world you need to know your fish, know the company you’re buying from, and know who’s doing the fishing. Good luck, and please try not to contribute to the death of our water ecosystems. (A good trick is that if you can afford fish when you’re poor and you don’t live beside a large body of water, you almost certainly DON’T WANT IT.)
-IF YOU DO BUY FISH OR SEAFOOD, all the rules for proteins apply. Fish bones and crustacean shells for stock, fat deposits on the occasional salmonid for whatever you want, and fish skin, if it’s your cup of tea, for a lovely snack. Hell, fish organs and salt make up the base for a fermented fish sauce, if you really want to go the extra mile. Rome survived off of fish sauce and bread for longer than our society has been around. The one big difference between fish and meat is that frozen fish tends to suck relative to fresh in a much bigger way - both in terms of quality and retained nutrients. Put frozen fish in soups or curries, to avoid nutrient drain from the water that inevitably will leak out of your fish.
FOR VEGETARIANS AND VEGANS: You know more about your protein options than I do, and honestly they would require a lot of research I haven’t done to fully discuss. Clearly I have more to learn on the subject, and intend to do so. I only encourage you all to do the same ✌️
——-EVERYTHING ELSE——-
-STAY AWAY FROM THE INSTANT RAMEN. I know it’s cheap. I KNOW you like how easy it is. I don’t give one flying fuck. It’s awful for you, it isn’t cheaper than a bowl of rice with soy sauce, a fried egg, and some frozen peas, and it’ll kill you slowly. Just don’t, and ignore anyone’s advice about how it got them through college. Hell, if anyone’s advice involves doing what they did in college, take it with a grain of salt. There’s good advice sometimes, and a LOT of bad.
-AVOID THE JUNK FOOD AISLES. Chips, sugar cereals, premade salad dressings, sweet juice/pop, and processed foods like KD or tv dinners are not the way to go if you’re looking to get the most out of your dollar at the grocery store. They’re bad for you, they’re expensive relative to the cost of production, and they put a burden on your body that you’ll pay for down the line. Exceptions to this are staple sauces like a good soy sauce and fish sauce, grains and legumes, and canned veggies.
-CHEESE IS A LUXURY, SO TREAT IT LIKE ONE. If you’re gonna buy it I recommend buying less of it less often, and buying the good stuff when you do. Kraft block cheese only costs as little as it does because it’s the by-product of the real money-maker: whey protein production. If you’re gonna buy cheese, please support a real cheesemaker. The cheese lover in you will be happier for it.
-ALCOHOL IS ALSO A LUXURY. If you want a drink, I recommend doing it less often and drinking the good stuff. If you like the cheap stuff that’s fine, “good stuff” is all relative anyway. Just drink less and focus on quality over quantity, whatever your preferences are.
-MAKE YOUR OWN COFFEE, AND BUY A THERMOS. I know Starbucks is delicious. Guess what? You can find a recipe for every drink they make online, and then make it better. Some restaurants literally survive because they can sell coffee at a nearly 2000% markup. Truck stop diners and high-end coffee shops do this. I recommend making cold brew the night before, since you literally just have to strain it in the morning rather than brewing a pot.
-FINALLY, LEARN TO COOK. All of this information is fundamentally more useful if you know how to cook. Not knowing how to cook is a luxury afforded to those with the means to afford living in ignorance of this most basic human skill. You are living outside your means if you live in a well-off country, don’t make a least $60k a year, and can’t cook.
Best of luck to you all. Stay safe out there.
EDIT: A number of folks pointed out lots of things to me which I wasn’t aware of in regard to beekeeping, so I cut that section out as it was misrepresentative of the industry and failed to highlight key problems in it. Others felt I was being mean to vegans and vegetarians and regardless as to my intentions, I can see evidence that that whole section detracts from this list as a whole and isn’t informative enough to keep. I’ve removed it accordingly. Thanks for the feedback, positive or negative - keep doing good work ✌️
EDIT: Someone made a good point that grocery stores are all laid out different, and not everyone knows the “centre aisles” mantra. So I changed it to “Junk food aisles” for clarity.
EDIT: I somehow mistakenly said South African communities were effected by Quinoa production when in fact it’s primarily South American. Sorry ‘bout that.

A SIR_JACK_A_LOT Christmas Carol - My magnum dong opus on turning $35K to $1.75M (50X) in less than a year

Coronavirus Megathread Update (January, 2021)

Overview

Last March, we posted a megathread with tons of information about Coronavirus-related issues, and in September a second megathread was posted with additional information on updates to payroll tax deferrals, student loan interest waiver, and unemployment. Given the ongoing nature of the pandemic and recent U.S. governmental actions, we are posting a third installment of this megathread. Please keep in mind that politics and political discussions are still not allowed here.

Stimulus Payments (updated Jan 5, 2021)

For the second round of stimulus payments: For non-dependent individuals, you are entitled to $600 if your AGI (Adjusted Gross Income) is below $75,000. For married couples filing jointly, it is $1,200 if your joint AGI is below $150,000. For head-of-household filers, it is $600 if your AGI is below $112,500. Taxpayers with dependent qualifying children will receive $600 per qualifying child (16 or younger, the rules are based on the child tax credit).
As with the first stimulus - If your AGI is above the income threshold of $75,000 or $150,000, your payment will be reduced by 5% of the difference between your AGI and the income threshold. For example, if you are single and without kids, the potential maximum amount of $600 is completely phased out once your income hits $87,000. If you are married with two young children then the maximum payment of $2,400 is completely phased out once your joint income hits $174,000.
The Get My Payment portal has been updated to include information regarding the second stimulus. This is the first place you should check for the status of your stimulus payment. The IRS released a statement about the status you are seeing on the GMP portal for second stimulus payments:

If there is a deposit date and account information, this is where your payment will be deposited.
If there is mailing date for a payment, allow 3-4 weeks for your check or debit card to arrive.
If you're getting Payment Status Not Available, you will have to wait until you file your 2020 tax return to receive the Recovery Rebate Credit.

If you are not eligible based on your 2019 tax return, or are eligible for a larger amount based on your 2020 tax return, you will have to wait until you file in 2021 for the 2020 tax year to receive the owed difference of the Recovery Rebate Credit. Common cases where this applies:

I never received the first stimulus, even though I believe I was eligible, and still get an error when checking the Get My Payment portal
I was a dependent in 2019 (and/or 2018 if your 2019 was not yet filed for the first stimulus), or mistakenly indicated that I could be claimed as a dependent, but cannot be claimed as a dependent for 2020 (Note: You don't just decide if you're a dependent or not, verify if you are eligible to be claimed as one as defined by the IRS.)
I had a child in 2020 and am now eligible for the additional amount for a qualifying dependent

FAQs:

Q How will I receive my stimulus payment?
A 2019 tax returns returns are being used to calculate each person's stimulus payment. The bank account information provided on your 2019 tax return, whether that be for a refund deposit or debit of owed payment, will be used for direct deposit of the stimulus.
Q When will I receive my payment?
A The deadline for second stimulus payments to be sent is January 15, 2021. After this date, if you have not received the stimulus payment yet, you will have to wait to claim it as the Recovery Rebate Credit on your 2020 tax return.
Q I closed the bank account that I used for my 2019 return, or I do not recognize the account that the Get My Payment portal says it will be deposited to. How do I get my payment?
A If the account is now closed or if the account information does not match an account you own, the payment will be returned to the IRS. You will then have to wait until you file your 2020 tax return to receive the Recovery Rebate Credit.
Q I am eligible for the both the first and second and stimulus based on my 2018 and/or 2019 tax return, but will not be eligible based on my 2020 tax return. Will I need to pay back what I received?
A No, there was no information provided in the bills requiring payments to be returned if eligibility changes between the 2018/2019 and 2020 tax years. This is also noted in the IRS FAQs.
Q The Get My Payment portal says the payment was already sent and/or I received Notice 1444 in the mail saying my stimulus was sent, however I never actually received it. What do I do?
A See the IRS page on Payment Issued but Lost, Stolen, Destroyed or Not Received for guidance on starting a Payment Trace

The IRS has an extensive list of Economic Impact Payment FAQs and a news release regarding the second stimulus with more information
Be aware of potential scams related to stimulus payments or other coronavirus relief packages. CNBC has a helpful article with examples of common stimulus scams.
At this time, a $2,000 stimulus has been proposed, but has not been passed by Congress. If that changes we will update this information to reflect that.

Payroll Tax Deferral

Payroll taxes consist of two related taxes: Social Security (6.2% of wages) and Medicare (1.45% of wages). Both employees and employers pay these taxes (i.e., for every $1 of social security taxes you pay, your employer also pays $1). Only the Social Security portion of payroll taxes may be deferred right now, not Medicare.
The Secretary of the Treasury has been directed to defer the collection of Social Security taxes on those making a gross income of less than $104,000 / year ($4,000 or less per bi-weekly paycheck) starting September 1.
Implementing seems to be optional by employers and many employers have decided to not implement this.
The IRS had issued Notice 2020-65 indicating that taxes deferred must be withheld and paid between January 1, 2021 and April 30, 2021, or interest and penalties will start accruing on May 1, 2021. The window to payback the deferred taxes has been extended under the new stimulus bill to December 31, 2021. Deferred taxes must be paid by January 1, 2022 or interest and penalties will start accruing.
See the previous megathread for FAQs regarding the payroll tax deferral

Coronavirus-Related Distributions from Retirement Plans

Penalty-free withdrawals from retirement accounts for Coronavirus-Related Distributions ended December 30, 2020. If you made one of these withdrawals during 2020, remember that you have three years to pay the income taxes on the withdrawal. The IRS has an article with Coronavirus-related relief for retirement plans and IRAs questions and answers with more info.

Flexible Spending Account (FSA) Rollover

FSA account balances typically do not rollover year-to-year. The second stimulus package allows for FSA balances at the end of 2020 to be rolled over and used in 2021. Any FSA balance remaining at the end of 2021 may also be rolled over and used in 2022.

Unemployment Benefits

Pandemic Unemployment Assistance (PUA) provides benefits to individuals typically not eligible for unemployment insurance, such as independent contractors or gig workers. Under the CARES Act these benefits were set to expire Dec 31, 2020. It has now been extended to March 14, 2021. Please visit your state’s PUA website for more information.
The previous unemployment relief of $300/week from the federal government and $100/week from the state expires Dec 26, 2020 (see the previous megathread for more information and FAQs regarding this executive order from August). Under this new bill, federal unemployment will provide an additional $300/week through March 14, 2021, and the maximum number of weeks that unemployment can be claimed has been increased from 39 weeks to 50 weeks.
If you lost your job or are at risk of losing your job:
Please read the information available in the Job Loss Megathread: unemployment resources, state-specific information, and help
If you have any questions regarding those resources, feel free to ask here, but please be as specific as possible with your current situation and what steps you have taken so far.

Student Loan Interest and Payment Waiver

The CARES Act suspended federally-held student loan payments and interest charges until September 30, 2020. The Executive Order signed in August extended this to December 31, 2020. The new bill has further extended this date to January 31, 2021.
Key points:

Private student loans are not affected.
If your loan is federally-held, you do not need to take any action to suspend payments. Your federal student loan servicer will suspend all payments automatically. You do not need to contact your student loan servicer.
If your loan is not federally-held (i.e., federal student loans held by commercial lenders), do not assume you can pause payments without contacting your servicer. You may want to look into income-driven payment plans.

Read https://myfedloan.org/borrowers/covid/ for more information and updates.

Stock market turbulence

It's very natural to be feel concerned when there's a large drop in the stock market, especially after such a long period of growth, but it's important to keep perspective and avoid making rash decisions.
First, take a deep breath. Market downturns are not uncommon or unusual. Between 1980 and 2017, there were 11 market corrections and 8 bear markets.
Trying to time the market rarely turns out well and most people trying to enter or exit the market based on emotion, gut feelings, and everyone's predictions end up doing far worse than if they had simply continued business as normal. Stick to your plan and stay the course.
To quote Warren Buffett: "to buy or sell on current news is just crazy".
Don't make an emotional decision, don't try to predict where the market is headed in the short run, and make decisions for the long run. You're investing for decades, not trying to predict the Dow Jones or S&P 500 next week, next month, or even next year.

Being financially prepared and practicing sound finances

Budget your money and reduce expenses. Fundamental to a sound financial footing is knowing where your money is going. Budgeting helps you see your sources of income less your expenses. You should minimize your expenses to the extent practical.
Build an emergency fund. An emergency fund should be a relatively liquid sum of money that you don't touch unless something unexpected comes up. For most people, 3 to 6 months of expenses is good. A larger emergency fund may be warranted if your income is variable or uncertain. If you're in credit card debt, aim for one month of expenses and focus the rest of your money on paying down debt.
Don't check out of your finances. Continue following the steps in "How to handle $" as best possible starting at the beginning of the flowchart. If you can't make rent, contact your landlord. If you have trouble paying your mortgage, see below. If there are bills you can't pay, research your options and contact the company. Simply not paying a bill without any communication is almost certainly not your best option.
There's more good stuff you should be doing in this video from Bogleheads and the PF wiki.

Most mortgage owners eligible for reduced or suspended payments for up to 12 months under the CARES Act

Key points:

The CARES Act covers about 70% of all mortgages in the U.S. (those backed by Fannie and Freddie, FHA, VA, or USDA). Many companies have similar policies for most other types of loans. If you aren't sure what kind of loan you have, ask your servicer.
In most cases, you will not owe the missed payments as lump sum. There was a lot of confusion about this. The new guidance says that lump sums are not required for GSE and federal loans.
You can't just stop paying your mortgage. Contact your servicer to find out if you are eligible for this or if your servicer has adopted a similar policy.
Requesting mortgage relief/deferral will appear on your credit reports and may affect your eligibility for refinancing (but doesn't affect your actual credit score).
For more info, the CFPB published step-by-step information about how to request payment relief.

Refinancing

If you're in the market for refinancing your mortgage, it may be worth considering, but if you don't have a healthy emergency fund and extra cash, you may not want to refinance right now due to the up-front costs.
Effective Dec 1, 2020, refinancing mortgages backed by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will incur a 0.5% adverse mortgage fee.

Relief for Renters

The Executive Order signed in August required certain federal agencies to take steps to limit foreclosures or evictions. It did not include a list of specific actions or policies.
Following this in September, the CDC ordered Temporary Halt in Residential Evictions To Prevent the Further Spread of COVID-19 that expires December 31, 2020. The new bill extends this order through January 31, 2021.
Read Protection for Renters from the CFPB and visit the NLIHC page for COVID-19 Rental Assistance programs for additional information and resources

Other megathreads

I am in my early 30s, make $75k a year ($120k joint), live in the South, work as a Development Director, and hate capitalism but love a little luxury!

Edited to remove the tables because when I obsessively checked this post on my phone I couldn't read them?? Also I tried to, but was prevented from, editing the title. I know it looks sanctimonious but that's just one small part of my personality I swear. D:
❤️ Section 1: Assets and Debt
Total Net Worth: $30,875 - all equity.
Retirement Balance: $0 for me; $20,500 for my husband in the state pension program for teachers. (My partner, L, has been paying into the state teachers' pension system for 5 years. For most of my 20s, I either worked at very low-paying jobs, or supported myself and others on a teacher’s salary, so no retirement for me. My current job does not have a retirement program, but one of my goals for this year is to either start a Roth IRA or get a new job with a 401k match… or maybe both?)
Savings Account Balance: $23,733 We’re moving this summer to a city closer to our families, and are saving all we can for a down payment on a dreamy spot. After we move, some amount of what’s left over will go into a retirement fund, and the rest will stay in this HYSA as our emergency fund. For us, three months of expenses, including childcare, is about $18,000.
Checking Account Balance: $455
Credit Card Debt: n/a, pay off each month
Student Loan Debt: $80,000 for L’s undergrad and MAT. $18,000 for my undergrad and (unfinished) MAT. (My undergrad degrees were mostly covered by the Pell Grant, scholarships, and a $10,000 529 from my parents. L was a nontraditional student - didn’t start undergrad until he was 24 - so none of his was covered. Most of my debt is for a MAT program I dropped out of after one year. I was trying to find any way out of teaching at the time (it is demanding, all-consuming, and carceral at once) and thought a PhD would be my only route. When I got my current job I promptly left the program and any dreams of a PhD behind.)
Equity: $83,875 (This number is from an online equity calculator, and is for our house in a very popular neighborhood in a very popular city. Our outstanding debt on the house is $295,000. We put our whole savings down in 2019, which was $9,000 at the time.)
❤️ Section 2: Income
Monthly Take Home: My base pay is $65,000, and L’s is $45,000. I worked a side gig last year that totaled about $10k in additional compensation; all of it went to savings so we don't budget for it. My take home is $4096/month for my full time job, and my current side gig income (grant writing) is variable, between $300 and $600 a month. L’s take home is $2262/month. My health insurance is paid in full by work. L’s insurance and B’s come out of L’s paycheck, as does L’s retirement contribution.
Income Progression: I’ve been working since I was 15 years old, moved out for college at 18, and paid my own bills starting that year. I won’t include that money here though (it was like $12,000 a year as a college student, for reference). Income below starts when I graduated with two BAs that had nothing to do with teaching.
Year 1: $15,600 (part time ABA therapist, full time baby anarchist)
Year 2: $32,000 (year 1 teacher salary: I accepted a spot in Teach for America for this giant salary even though I thought it was an obnoxious neoliberal org. Yes, I was also obnoxious at the time.)
Year 3: $33,000 (teacher, step increase)
Year 4: $34,000 (teacher, step increase)
Year 5: $35,000 (teacher, step increase)
Year 6: $15,000 (community organizer; at the time this felt like a dream job)
Year 7: $20,000 (community organizer & cafe worker)
Year 8: $40,000 (back to teaching, felt rich; this includes a side hustle writing grants on the side for $50 an hour)
Year 9: $45,000 (left teaching for my current job, quit the grants side hustle)
Year 10: $55,000 (got a raise, got pregnant)
Year 11: $65,000 (got a raise and promotion, had a baby)
Year 12: $75,000 (was promoted again in January but waiting on the pay increase to hit, hopefully with backdating. This money diary doesn’t reflect this salary as it hasn’t been reflected in my check yet)
❤️ Section 3: Expenses
Mortgage/PMI/Insurance: $2,110
Retirement Contribution: n/a (L’s retirement is pulled out of his check before he receives it: it’s $169 a month. Right now, I don’t have a retirement contribution)
Savings Contribution: $1000 to main savings, $400 to sinking fund (This is a super aggressive goal for us and is only possible because our childcare costs are covered by work)
Debt Payments: n/a right now (We have student loans to the tune of $100k but haven’t been paying a dime since they were paused due to COVID. But then the other day I checked and saw they've gained interest? Should we be paying them then? WWJD? I legit don’t know.)
Electric: $130
Internet: $100
Cellphone: $65 (For L & I both. We are on a bigass family plan with 40 gajillion other people.)
Subscriptions: $45 ($10 Spotify; $10 Youtube music; $2.99 Apple data (Why?!); $22 NYT (for newspaper and cooking app); also have a split subscription to the New Yorker with bestie F but we paid for a yearly deal.)
Car Payment and Insurance: $150 for a car payment; $202 for insurance (Insurance covers both of our used cars and my dad’s used handicap van. Our car payment is for our used Honda. We only owe $6,850 on the car and I’m back and forth on whether to pay it off with savings)
Medical/Therapy: $0 (My therapist is $140 a session, and I just started seeing her again once a month, but this is reimbursed by work. I also get an inhaler at least twice a month - that’s reimbursed too, costs $60 total.)
Misfits Market: $120 (For a weekly box, which really helps us cut down on overall grocery cost)
Gym membership: $30 (For my intense local yoga studio’s app which is so great in the winter. We also run and bike a lot, as long as it’s warm enough)
Donations: $100 (We give monthly to our local Democratic Socialists of America; the Working Families Party; and a small, local org. I’m also on an organizing committee for that org. We’ll give them one big gift of at least $250 this year, probably in May. I support a couple organizations with grant writing and grant-finding support as much as I can, which usually amounts to a few hours a month.)
Childcare: $0 B goes to a very precious Montessori preschool, and we can walk him there. It’s pricey af ($1300/month). The other $200 is to account for some babysitting from my little sister when L or I have to work weird hours. For now, work reimburses this full amount as a COVID perk; if that changes, we will have to cut costs significantly.
House cleaner: $160 (They come twice a month and charge $80 each time.)
❤️ Section 4: Money Diary
NOTE: We are masked and afraid everywhere we go.
✨DAY 1: THURSDAY✨
4:20 am: Good morning world! I shuffle into the kitchen in my panties and my slippers to fill up the gooseneck kettle. I recently got into pour over coffee even though it’s quite a commitment. With a toddler, a full-time job, and a Libra sun, I don’t really have time for meditative morning routines. This lengthy, half-naked coffee regimen is my closest attempt. As soon as I get the coffee brewing, our 18 month old, B, starts making noise. I open the door and see he’s got his pacifier in his mouth and his pillow in his arms. He wants to lay with Dada. I help him get in the bed with my husband, L, as quietly as possible. Last week L was super sick and we thought for sure he had picked up COVID. Blessedly all of our tests came back negative, but on the heels of that, he started having major tooth pain and had to have an emergency tooth extraction, AND he got an ear infection as he was coming down from whatever virus he had. I hate it :(
I get dressed and do some chores while they snooze to ease L's morning. I start the diaper laundry (usually his job - we use cloth), put away the dishes, start the Eufy vacuum, and get B and L’s breakfasts together: sunbutter and a little bit of syrup on some banana pancakes I prepped earlier this week.
6:30 am: B and L are up! The hour before we take B to preschool is kind of a marathon. L eats with B (and supervises his syrup consumption) as I clean out some more dirty diapers, brush my teeth, make another cup of coffee, strip our sheets, spray my hair with water to refresh the curl, return a few group texts, and wash some breakfast dishes. Somewhere in here I also eat two boiled eggs with Everything But the Bagel seasoning, and a bunch of grapes.
I help L get B loaded up in the car, and just as they pull off, my parents Facetime me. They’re calling to see B but are polite enough to talk to me for a few minutes. They live a few hours away, and are divorced, but cohabitating. The full story is long and spiritual for me so I’ll spare you. Anyway, my mom and I talk for a while about this couch she thinks I should buy from one of her friends, but it’s two hours away and we’d have to rent a U-Haul, so I think we’ll pass. I do hate our current couch though. Please drop comfy toddler- and dog-friendly recommendations in the comments!
8:15 am: I set out to walk the dog and listen to the Daily’s recent update on the coronavirus. Donald G. McNeill, Jr., says we’re in this through the summer, which is a bummer on the personal and global front, but I suppose it could be worse??? Maybe?? As soon as they finish talking I switch over to You’re Wrong About. I’m deep in the Jessica Simpson series and highly recommend this pod for any other nerdy, lefty, kinda burnt out millennials, especially those of you that are queer or queer-adjacent. Once home, I take my whole operation onto the front porch to work, since the cleaner will be here soon and I don’t want to crowd her in this time of COVID. I LOVE a clean house and I love paying someone else to do the big stuff, which is a recent luxury for us.
11:00 am: I’ve been working steadily in my email and google docs for a couple hours now, and it’s COLD out here. The cleaner leaves and I am grateful to go back into the heat. I Venmo her $80 for the cleaning (included in monthly expenses). I take a break from work and check out the job boards. My current job is the best, and highest-paying, gig I’ve ever had, but I’m planning to leave some time this year for several reasons. The premier reason: I recently learned that I’m qualified for several positions that pay over $100k at similar organizations. With that kind of money we could pay off our student loans, help our families out more, make sizable donations, and L could explore a career outside of teaching without freaking about a slight cut in his pay for a few years as he finds his niche. Or - maybe he’ll get into Edtech somehow and we’ll join Resource Generation. Who knows.
12:30 pm: I have a quick break and pull together lunch: half a cheese quesadilla, a big bowl of Smitten Kitchen’s roasted tomato soup, and a LimonCello LaCroix. L is on his planning period and asks me to edit his most recent job application, and I oblige. Since we’re both job hunting, I ask him if I can buy a resume template and guide on Etsy. I have sworn off online shopping for the year to curb my impulse spending, but he says we’ll just count this one as his purchase. Great news because I hate the formatting of my resume from 2016 and don’t want to fix it myself! $9.95
3:30 pm: My Zooms are over, my inbox is at 0, and I put up my out of office message because I’m taking the day off tomorrow to work on my resume and do some things to prep our house for sale. My high-functioning anxiety created an ambitious backwards timeline for this process back in December, and that timeline currently runs my life. I work for a few more minutes to tie up loose ends, and then walk O to a nearby shop to buy my favorite candle, curbside-style. When I get there the owner gives me some percentage off because it’s slightly discolored from the sun. Huzzah! $27.25, marked down from $40
4:45 pm: My angel of a baby sister, J, who lives just a few blocks away and is in a pod with us, comes to hang out with B for an hour so L can rest. I head to my good friend D’s place for my investment overalls appointment. She's going to alter their awkward wide leg into more of a tapered, mom jean shape. I have a capsule wardrobe which means I’ll wear these babies at least once a week, and plus I get to pay my friend, so I’m fine with the extra expense. When I arrive, she and her partner have the fire pit going, and we drink a couple glasses of wine together, yet more than 6 feet apart. I learn they are planning to move to the same new city as us in the next couple of years and legit cry happy tears.
Afterwards, I head out to pick up dinner for tonight. We are getting burgers from L’s favorite place as a treat. On my way, the WOLF MOON appears over the water and my stomach does triple flips. Then I pick up our dinner: a veggie burger with eggplant jam and kale for me; a real-meat burger with mushrooms, bacon, swiss, carmelized onion, and horseradish mayo for L; and an appetizer plate with pretzels, pimento cheese, onion jam, pickles, and chips for B. Delicious and unhealthy. The total is $34.54.
6:30: Home and eating dinner. B loves his meal, especially the “chokes.” He calls pretzels “chokes” because when L first started feeding them to him, I worried aloud that he would choke every time. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how a pretzel almost took out George W. Bush. Turns out our toddler is better at chewing than George W. Bush.
After dinner, L gives B a bubble bath while I do my own, very minimal, bedtime routine. Then L and I lay down with B to put him to sleep. He has a floor bed, which is a Montessori thing I learned about on mom blogs. L is a very hot and talented woodworker, so he took my floor bed dream to the next level by building a lovely house-shaped frame. The top beam is wrapped in twinkle lights and fake ivy. It’s a nice place to sleep, and we pass out here all the time.
10:30 pm: L wakes me up and we wander to our own bed.
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 71.74
✨ DAY 2: FRIDAY✨
4:15 am: Wake up and go look at the clock. Decide this is a silly time to get up on a day off, drink some water, and go lay back down. But once in bed all I can think about is how much I want to read the news, organize my resume, and update this money diary. This is the problem with falling asleep at toddler time. So I get up again at 4:45, make my coffee, read a New Yorker article about Biden’s pandemic response on my phone, and sit down to work on this diary.
6:00 am: L wakes up! He works on breakfast for himself and B and I start meal planning for the month. This is one of my best and most recent life hacks. I found that if I chart out our cooking, weekly takeout, and leftovers at the start of the month, we save lots of money and are so much less stressed about the labor that goes into feeding ourselves. I pull out Smitten Kitchen Every Day and use it to inspire the month’s meals. So quaint to cook from an actual BOOK.
6:45 am: B walks out of our room and announces that he drank my water off the side table. He’s so proud! And so ready to eat. While he eats breakfast, I snack on some grapes and, at B’s request, blast 7 Days A Week by They Might Be Giants. This is the consummate children’s song for any household that dreams of a self-determined world. Over the next hour I take B to school; make myself a real breakfast (a soy chorizo and egg taco); and browse TikTok. Eventually I find a series about this Gamestop situation by a smart Irish woman and L and I watch it together. When it’s over we feel like shrewd stock brokers ready to win money, and L gets to work teaching virtually.
I spend the morning painting our front door and our kitchen wall to prep our house to sell, and talking to my (other) little sister on the phone. She’s an HR person with a job that’s taken her far away from our family, and we don’t talk that often. It is so good to catch up on her life. After that I have a fun, day-off Zoom call with longtime bestie and coworker K. We drink coffee and talk about The Future.
12:30 pm: I make lunch (tomato soup with goat cheese on top, and a savory scone on the side) and get a text from another bestie, M, who offers me a little grant writing contract work this week. Yay! I love them and love working with them. Next, I order our groceries for the week. I get baking powder, eggs, cremini mushrooms, vegan sausage patties, oat milk, ginger root, shredded cheddar cheese, plantains, black beans, doggy bags, broccoli, vegan chicken strips, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, capers, ciabatta bread, grits, bananas, avocados, greek yogurt, and on impulse, a pineapple on sale (?!). Maybe B will love it. The total comes to $94.08.
1:15 pm: I do a brief power vinyasa class in B’s room and take a shower. It takes me approximately two Drake songs to shower and dry off, as I don’t have to wash my hair today and I never shave. I work on my resume until L and I leave to pick up B. On the way home we stop at the park to play, and then we all get in the car to pick up groceries.
6:30 pm: We get home later than planned and eat together: leftover tofu ramen for us and veggie lasagna for B, who is so sleepy that he hardly touches his lasagna. L gets him in the bath around 7:15 and I run through my evening routine. There’s a lot going on in the house - preschool lunch and clothes to put up, a mountain of laundry in our room, all of the groceries for the week waiting to be put away, and dinner dishes are languishing in the sink. L starts on chores while I get B dressed.
As I’m dressing B, my mom Facetimes and B shows her several of his board books. While we’re talking my dad texts me a heart emoji - he overheard B and my mom talking from his room. He lives with a disability and a painful illness, so he goes to bed very early. We hang up with my mom and record a video of B making “P” sounds and saying “I love you” to my dad, and send it over. This is the first time B’s ever said “I love you!” Huge news. We read books and fall asleep next to B.
9 pm: I wake up and nudge L but he wants to keep sleeping. I go clean the dinner dishes, put away the food and reorganize the cabinets and fridge, and mop the kitchen floor while I listen to The Daily’s latest reporting on QAnon believers who are at once totally bananagrams and also remind me very much of my aunt. L wakes up at 9:30 because he and Y, my sister’s boyfriend, are gonna game. Cute! He finishes the laundry and I fold a few diapers to help out. Then we lay in bed together until game time, when I fall asleep.
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 94.08
✨DAY 3: SATURDAY✨
5:40 am: Wake up at a ~*~weekend hour~*~!! Start my kettle, clean and moisturize my face, pull out the ingredients for waffles, and pick up around the house while I wait for it to boil. I try to read some, but get bored a few pages in. I’m currently reading How to Do Nothing and it’s good enough, but I think I need to chill on the nonfiction and read, like, saucy romance novels with hot bisexual leads. Send me your recs please!
Waffle time! This recipe is my go-to. I recommend whipping the egg whites first. B wakes up around 7:15 and helps me cook which is cute and very messy. He eats his waffle with honey, peanut butter, and grapes. L wakes up after him - he had a late night gaming!
8 am: I open yesterday’s mail and find an anti-abortion DVD from L’s grandma. It’s Abby Johnson’s “memoir.” Abby Johnson is an opportunistic right winger and documented liar who once moonlighted as a Planned Parenthood clinic manager. L is a preacher’s kid, so we’re not surprised to receive this from his grandma. For example: 10 years ago, when L and I were a couple years into our relationship, her Christmas gift to me was a book about how one can recover from being a slut by getting married and finding Jesus. This particular package really sends me over the edge, though. I decide to write them a short note later that states my own experience with abortion and sets a clear boundary on this kind of propaganda, and includes an article about Abby Johnson’s bullshit life. It’s unlikely this will change their minds - they are septuagenarian Southern Baptists, after all - but at least I’ll be in my integrity.
In the meantime, I group text L’s siblings, and they commiserate with us. His one sibling who is transitioning shares that grandma recently sent them a book about how to tell your gay friends they’re sinning. We agree that’s hilariously dense (and fucking rude) of her, and talk about how everyone under forty is a gay slut living their best life, so really it’s grandma’s loss. During this time I clean the kitchen, finish the waffles, and freeze them for B’s weekday breakfasts.
9:30 am: B asks to use the potty and does a great job peeing on his own! He’s geeked about it and is especially excited to have my parents on Facetime cheering him on. After that we head out on our morning walk. L takes B to the playground and I take O to the dog park nearby. She gets tired pretty quick and we all head to the thrift store. We need chairs for our hand-me-down kitchen table. The ones that came with it are awkwardly wide. L spots two sturdy ones that are just $5 each. Score! $10
11:30 am: B and L are both wiped out once we get home. They eat lunch and go to sleep. I clean up the kitchen, repot one of my plants, water our porch plants, and eat some leftover ramen for lunch. The Marie Antoinette episode of You’re Wrong About keeps me company all the while. 10/10 would recommend.
2 pm: B wakes up and eats some lunch. We watercolor together for a while (he on his big paper, I in my bullet journal), then walk down the street to the local high school while L preps potatoes for our fondue. The high school grounds are open on the weekends, and there’s an amphitheatre on site. B loves the echo in there.
4:30 pm: L joins us in the amphitheatre and together we drag B two blocks back home. I prep the fondue: brie, gouda, and more gouda with white wine. It ends up being a little clumpy but so delicious. My sister, J, and her boyfriend, Y arrive while I’m cooking. Y brings yummy baguettes from his bakery job for the dipping and we prep broccoli, green beans, and tempeh too. We sit down in our new chairs to eat and for the zillionth time I am so thankful we’ve been able to make a pod together this year. Fondue would be a terrifying proposition with anyone else, really.
While we eat, Y tells us he put in his two weeks at the bakery because their COVID protocols aren’t so tight and his coworkers are continuing to go to bars and out to eat. His plan for now is to get back on unemployment and find a virtual job sometime soon. Both he and my sister have worked food service their whole adult lives so the pandemic has been tough on them. Besides the fact that they’re delightful and perfect, this is one key reason we’re planning to move with them to our new city this summer: L and I will be able to easily afford the majority of the rent, deposits, and utilities on a pretty big, and centrally located, house. Living together will allow us to grow our savings and take our time looking for a Forever Home, and will allow J and Y to pay really low rent as my sister goes back to school full time and Y looks for a full-time job. I’m really looking forward to living with them and know it’ll be good for B, too. They leave around 7 pm and we put B to bed, this time without falling asleep ourselves!
8:30 pm: Turn on How I Met Your Mother in bed and the episodes are baaaaad bad. One entire episode casts sex workers as a punch line. Ick. L and I agree to find a new show, and fall asleep around 10.
11 pm - 2 am: B is up and between our two beds. Wahhhh.
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 10
✨DAY 4: SUNDAY✨
6 am: Up and at ‘em! Discover I’m out of my fancy coffee and don’t want to emphasize the flavor of our grocery store beans with a slow pour, so make a french press instead. B wakes up too early so we watch toddlers together on TikTok while I drink my coffee, then read books while L makes us all eggs for breakfast. We head out for our morning walk around 9 am and stop at a coffee shop a few blocks away. I pick up Counter Culture’s Iridescent beans, buy an espresso brownie on a whim, and tip the cashier because she’s so sweet and tipping is good. The total is 23.03. L takes B to the playground and I drop my purchases and O back at the house before I head out for a run.
9:45 am: It’s 65 degrees and my run is glorious. I run to the water and pause Lil Yachty for a minute to take it all in. Once home I shower and put on a black LA Apparel catsuit and a marled black and white cocoon sweater from AA of the past (I like what I like!). We feed B lunch and then L puts him down while I clean up.
Around 11:30, J comes over after to watch B while we remove the storm windows from our whole house and clean the windows underneath as part of our work to prep the house for sale. We’re a solid team: L removes the storm windows and caulks all the gaps in the wood while I follow behind him and wash the windows inside and out. Our sweet neighbor catches us cleaning and offers to let us use her power washer for free next weekend to clean up the front of the house. I resolve to bake them some cookies.
2:30 pm: We are done with the window operation and it’s time for me to water all 57 plants in the house. Along the way, discover that I overwatered B’s hoya last week and it’s rotting. Noooo! I unpot it on the porch to dry the roots, but it’s raining so this might not work. There’s only one surefire solution: buy a replacement plant! I try to convince L we should go to the nursery, but he’s not so into it. I walk around dejectedly with a towel to clean up all the water I spilled, and Zelle J $70 for babysitting even though she insists she would do it for free. Next B, L, and I share a snack: crackers with goat cheese and harissa. Mmm. B skips the harissa but loves the goat cheese. Meanwhile I begin to stress about making dinner. We’d planned goddess bowls but L and I just aren’t feeling it after our marathon of house work. L requests Chinese and is suddenly more amenable to visiting the nursery, which is near our favorite Chinese takeout spot. Score!
5:00 pm: We leave the plant shop with a heartleaf philodendron for B’s room and a giant, lovely, perfect monstera deliciosa just because. The total comes to $53.24. Then we pick up our food: $33.08 including the tip. L ordered a large veggie lo mein to share with B and General Tso’s chicken, and I got family style tofu and vegetables. We start B’s bedtime routine at 6:30 and he’s out by 7:00 - early for him!
After he’s down, L preps his breakfast sandwiches for the week and I do some dishes. Then we take mutual advantage of the extra hour we have together. Even after 12 years it’s always so good with L. I fall asleep around 10 pm feeling blessed.
🌿 Daily total: 179.32
✨DAY 5: MONDAY✨
5 am: I make my pour over and get started on work first thing. I have a couple of deadlines this week and the side gig to balance so I’m already feeling pressed for time! I wrap up an entire grant report before 6 am and feel very accomplished. Then I pause work to start our breakfast, which is all pre-prepped, hallelujah. While L and B eat breakfast, I get dressed in a black turtleneck minidress, busted old tights, black ankle socks, and my Doc Martens.
I help L load up the car with B and all his gear, and tell L to be careful. Today is L’s first day back teaching in person since December, and we’re both nervous since COVID is still running wild in our red state. On the way to work he fills up his car for $18.33.
2:30 pm: After another grant report, seventy gajillion emails, forty Slack messages, and several hours of Zoom calls, I’m ready for a break. I finish eating the quinoa salad I prepped during Zoom call #2 and then eat a pear too. I see our Misfits box has been delivered. It’s $30 a week, and is included in our monthly expenses. I unpack it, clean the counters, wipe down the bathroom sinks, take O for a walk, and sit down to work on my side gig grant report, which is due Wednesday. I set a 30 minute timer because I don’t want to be too late picking up B.
4:25 pm: Worked longer than I meant to! Pack some snacks and pick up B. On the way home we get a giant bag of potting soil so I can repot those plants. It’s $18.52. Come home and engage in B’s favorite winter activity: pressing all the buttons in the turned-off car. Meanwhile, in another car across town, L picks up a big bag of Purina One, butter, maple syrup, and applesauce. That total is $28.64.
5:30 pm: The whole family is home and we kick it inside until it starts to get dark. L and I gather all the things and take the creatures out for a walk even though there’s a light, but very cold, rain happening. B is cranky and so are we, so the walk is quick.
We eat leftover Chinese food around 7 and start B’s bedtime routine. B falls asleep at 8 and I update this diary for a while, then go watch Ted Lasso in bed with L til about 9:30. It’s much better than How I Met Your Mother, for the record.
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 65.51
✨Day 6: TUESDAY✨
3 am: B wakes up and needs a diaper change. I have the hardest time falling back asleep after: I can’t stop thinking about how I left B’s hoya out in the cold with its roots exposed most of the day yesterday and into tonight. But it’s too cold for me to get up again and pull it inside! So instead I toss and turn and hope it’s not dead yet.
6 am: L’s alarm wakes me up! No early morning reading and writing time for me. I get right up, make a giant pour over, and get breakfast together while L wakes up B. Then I actually sit down with them to eat: B and I both eat boiled eggs with everything but the bagel seasoning and some coconut milk yogurt, and L sips his coffee while his breakfast sandwich heats in the oven. I get dressed in my workout gear and walk the dog while L gets B ready for school. They leave, and I finally bring the hoya in, and start work, around 7:30. L buys coffee and snacks from the gas station on his way to work: $6.88.
9:30 am: I grab some crackers and peanut butter from the kitchen and notice a DMV bill on the fridge I’ve been meaning to pay, but don’t totally understand. I call them up and respond to emails while I sit on hold. Turns out I owe the DMV $10 for paying my Dad’s van insurance late. With the “processing fee” it comes to $11.17.
1:30 pm: Been on Zoom calls all morning, and decide to switch over to the side gig work for a bit. Meanwhile I eat that quinoa salad I prepped yesterday. At 2 pm, my longtime bestie and neighbor F comes over and we take O for a walk in the park together and have such a good conversation. While the context is (very) different, I’m reminded of the Toni Morrison quote when I think of F: “She’s a friend of my mind.” Such a gem, and such a smartie. At 3:30 I start a HIIT yoga class and it kicks my butt even though it’s only 20 minutes long. Afterwards, I shower and pick up B.
5:00 pm: L arrives home while B and I are playing, and we get in the car once more to check out a cute couch L scoped out on Facebook marketplace. It’s a sweet vintage brown velvet actually-for-real midcentury situation. Unfortunately we discover it’s also small and very uncomfortable. $200 not spent. Once home, my family goes for a walk and I make dinner - this grits and beans recipe from NYT cooking. It’s blessedly quick to pull together. Meanwhile D texts me and says my overalls are ready! YAY! She’s gonna drop them off in a couple of days. She says the total is $30. I include a tip and Venmo her $40.
7:00 pm: At bedtime, B cannot get enough of his books and we read All The World several times. He finally falls asleep around 8:20 and L and I eat dinner on the couch, with Ted Lasso. I drink a glass of red wine, which is a mistake: my anxiety spikes right after, my stomach hurts, and I can’t sleep. This is very upsetting as I want very much to be a wine mom. Does this happen to anyone else?
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 58.05
✨DAY 7: WEDNESDAY✨
5:45 am: Wake up with B cuddled into my back - L moved him to our bed in the middle of the night after his second wake up. Get my coffee and breakfast together and sit down at my computer to work on the side gig grant while everyone's asleep. Then L and I manage the morning rush together. I eat sourdough toast, two scrambled eggs, and some pineapple along the way.
7:30 am: Take O out for a walk and on a whim decide to listen to one of my favorite easy-listening pods: A Beautiful Mess. Normally the two sisters and co-hosts, Elsie and Emma, chat about things like home decor or craft making or how to balance kids and work. This episode is about the host’s evangelical upbringing, though, and is a real raw and honest tear jerker. Pair it with this, one of my top reads of 2020: “What Does the White Evangelical Want?” It gets me thinking about L’s upbringing in the church. He and all his siblings are all agnostic now.
Finally sit down at my desk and debate taking Adderall. I used it regularly in college and for a few years after in order to Do All The Things. I try to stay away from it now - I’m not trying to live an impossible life any more - but I also really want to pick B up earlier than normal today, and that means I need to meet all my deadlines and make it through two Zoom calls with my direct reports by 3 pm. I decide to take 4 mg. Right after I take it, three different friends text me at once and then, suddenly, I’ve spent an hour catching up via text. Get to work for real around 9 am.
3:00 pm: Wrapped all my calls, answered all my emails, washed all the dishes, ate some lunch, and finished the side gig work! OK Adderall, you beautiful bitch. Spend a few more minutes tying up loose ends and then gather my things to pick B up from school. The plan today is to go “play basketball” in the park near his school because he is OBSESSED with balls, and I’m trying to do more magical things every day with him. It’s cold but I’m ready to brave it on his precious, curly-headed behalf.
At 4 pm J calls and asks to go pick him up with me. Hooray, things just got even more magical! We head to a different-than-usual park together and run around until B sits in, and then drinks from, a puddle. We panic and J googles “What happens if my baby drinks from a puddle?” The search returns lots of stories of babies eating muddy rocks and surviving, so we decide it’s ok.
5:00 pm Head home and L is back from work! We take the smols on a walk and I tell L that I think nighttime screentime is making me anxious. I’m a sensitive creature and I really don’t want to blame the wine. He’s very perfect so he helps me think through an alternate plan for this evening: hot tea and book reading in bed, and maybe sex, too! Fun.
Next, I head home with O to pot the plants we bought the other day, and L takes B to the playground. They get back around 6:30 and I am very excited to reveal my new plant placements. Everyone feigns interest except O. Then we eat leftovers together and B gets in bed around 7:30. L and I promptly fall asleep next to him and don’t wake up again til 11 pm. Guess our new nighttime routine will have to wait til tomorrow!
🌿 DAILY TOTAL: 0
❤️ Section 5: TOTALS
Total Expenses: $478.71
Food & Drink: $220.25
Fun & Entertainment: $0
Home & Health: $109.01
Clothes & Beauty: $40
Transport: $29.50
Other: $79.95
❤️ Section 6: REFLECTION
This week reflects a new normal for us, I think! We just set the goal of saving up for another down payment in December, and that’s when I swore off online shopping both to save money and to stop lining the pockets of evil billionaires like Bezos (no shade to anyone who uses Amazon, this is purely a personal goal & I’m not sure I can meet it). This self-imposed rule is helping me reign in my discretionary spending overall. L and I have only been living a two-income, middle class life for a few years, and my lifestyle creep was a little out of control in 2020. That said, I can and do still regularly justify spending money on things that make life more luxurious and beautiful - like a $40 candle or a totally unnecessary but very lovely plant.
There are a couple of things not reflected in this diary that we regularly spend on: gifts (my achilles heel - for example, we spent three! thousand! dollars! on Christmas gifts in December), and medical bills. Both B and I had to visit the emergency room in 2020 and we are still getting random bills in the mail as our insurance company and the hospital duke it out. As I was editing this diary on Thursday, I received one for $787. Wahhhh. I think I’m gonna get on a payment plan, but even so that it will be over $200 a month.
Last thought: this process got me thinking in some detail about the contradiction of organizing for the fall of capitalism (and the rise of a more gentle and just economic system), yet believing everyone - including ourselves and our own families - deserve to live full and abundant lives. This means I compromise my own anti-capitalist values and beliefs every day, in big and small ways. Discuss?

The hierarchy of desire

So what you are saying, basically, is you got rich because Bendolzians will have sex with each other more easily than humans will sex with each other?
Yes.
But what does THAT have to do with accusations of defrauding an entire species for billions?
I didn’t do that. Ever.
But everyone accused you off it?
I made my money legally. Those charges were dropped.
So why did you have 384 separate arrest warrants out on you at one time?
Jealousy.
Jealousy? You were accused of massive intergalactic fraud and theft by 83 separate nations, out of jealousy?
Yes Mr Robert.
That’s a big statement.
I can back it up. With evidence.
Alright.
Not on the phone. It’s too dangerous. Come to my house.
The Bendolzian consulate?
My house. I know you are nearby. Come quick. Before someone tries to intercept you. They’re watching me closely. Get down to the marina. Look for a Bendolzian boat.
How will I spot it?
You’ll spot it. Hurry. They will be moving in on you from the moment this call ends.
Click
Belize, June 4th 2114
The line went dead. Robert Fadden blinked. The fact he managed to get a phone interview with the most elusive man on Earth was enough to keep his editor happy.
He had heard the rumours, everyone had; Sanjay Gupta was an Indian who had made his fortune in the waste disposal business. Somehow a decade or so ago he then made a bigger fortune defrauding the Bendolzians. The details were sealed and secret.
But everyone wanted this man. He had gone on the run. He was utterly paranoid they said. He lived on a private island where he partook in drug fulled orgies.
He was a real life Bond villain.
Still, mused Fadden, there WERE parts of his story that had his hard-nosed journalistic soul wondering. The Bendolzians had responded to the arrest warrants out on him by designating his island home their consulate and was considered Bendolzian territory. Rumour said he was forced them to do it- but how do you influence an entire alien species to do your bidding?
And the charges were ALL mysteriously dropped a couple of years ago. No clear explanation was ever given.
Every journalist on Earth wanted to work out what was going on with this story. And he had gotten to talk to the man. The first to have ever done that.
Fadden sat at the desk of his hotel room, sweat clinging to his body. ‘They will be moving in on you’? Well the paranoia part was correct.
Inwardly, Fadden could hear his mother, her strict Presbyterian Scottish accent, Don’t be having anything to do with dangerous men Bobby his internal version of her intones, Ya neva know what trouble it can land ya in.
But another part of him hears the words of his editor, Get the story Rob, and I promise you a front page. For about ten seconds Robert Fadden is torn between prudence and daring, between caution and risk.
He opts for risk. He moves without explanation or pause. He grabs his phone and throws it into his bag, followed by his digital recorder, a cheap digital camera, and the keys to the rental car parked in the garage below the hotel. He puts on his jacket (despite the heat) and heads out.
He foregoes waiting for the old lift, but takes the fire stairwell: moving fast, leaping the last three steps to each landing, downwards, forwards, driven as much by the excitement of the story than the fears of some paranoid billionaire.
In a few moments he enters the relative coolness of the underground car park; half full, he spots the small green 2093 Zephyr sat by itself. It was boxy, had seen much better days and was clearly the kind of hire car people on a budget would take. Which is why it was his.
He leaps in, inserts the key, watches as its electric engine starts instantly and silently, and quickly makes his way up and out onto the street besides the Hotel Anacebo.
The heat is stifling; even with the cars aircon he can feel it. A tropical heat, wet and stuffy, where the humidity was enhanced by the rainforest that surrounded the town and threatened, always, to overwhelm it.
The town was small. All roads led either out to the forest or down to the marina. He took the turns to the latter. He didn’t drive especially quickly but he did glance, nervously, at his rear view mirror a few times.
30 years had passed since humans had encountered Bendolzians; a gentle, faintly insectoid, interstellar species, whose exploration ship had emerged on the edge of the solar system and who had come towards Earth broadcasting messages of peace in a dozen languages.
Three decades of amazement and wonder. It had changed the world. The Bendolzians were far more advanced than we were in the realm of science. Human life expectancy had increased on average 25 years since they began sharing their technologies with us.
People spoke of a new golden age.
In return the humans had a culture and a civilisation that fascinated the aliens. Human music, human languages, human art. The Bendolzians, it was said, had given the human race the technology to produce stable clones in return for a live performance of a concerto by Bach. At least that is what everyone said. The aliens didn’t use currency. They gave us technology, we gave them culture.
But as Fadden drove he realised that while a generation had passed since then and Bendolzian technology had impacted upon all aspects of human life... in some places it was more apparent than others. Here? Miles from anywhere, a small, poor town, in a small, poor province of a small, poor country? You couldn’t tell at all.
The cars were ramshackle, the streets badly paved, the shops were basic. Life here carried on as if it was the 2030’s not the 2110’s. Poverty. Unemployment. Corruption.
Mankind maybe wasn’t alone anymore but it sure hadn’t changed much.
The marina’s car park is crowded but he finds a spot, parks the car, slugs his bag over his shoulder and strides towards the water. Inwardly he grins.
He was on his way to meet a real life Bond villain.
He scans the scene before him. As usual the place is filled with rusty fishing boats that have seen better days and a few small cargo craft. Further down is where the private boats are- he can see the masts of about two dozen yachts. Most will be small, he knows from experience; folks who live on the sea, often retirees. Living the dream and sailing the world.
As he walks he finds himself looking behind him and wondering if anyone was following him... Stop it. The guys paranoid
He strides onwards purposefully and notices a bunch of locals staring with real interest out at the edge of the marina. And then he sees what they are staring at.
It’s a boat. It’s a boat because it moves on water. But no part of it is touching the water. It hovers about six feet above the waves, gliding through the air. Its not... flying... as it’s wake causes the water to stir as if it was gliding in on some kind of invisible fin.
Long, sleek, elegant, very purple, and slightly ominous.
Clearly the Bendolzian boat then.
Robert makes his way towards the pier the boat seemed to be aiming at. The glare of the water makes him squint for a moment before he decides to put on his sunglasses. He stands there, watching the boat cut its engine and drift towards him. A tall Scot, in casual trousers, blond crew cut, and sunglasses.
How very fuckin James Bond of ya, ya wee Weegie Shite! goes his inner monologue.
Fadden is a tad disappointed that stepping onto the edge of the boat isn’t an actual Bendolzian but a human. By the looks of things, a local, dressed in a crisp white uniform.
“Mr Fadden?”
“Yes. Is this for me?”
“Yes Mr Fadden. Please come on board. We have instructions to take you at once to the Consulate...”
The Consulate of the Most Serene Chorus of the Beldolzia Collective had once been on the market as a millionaires retreat, a few decades ago. A half moon shaped island, two miles off the coast of Belize and facing the Caribbean.
There was a mansion, tennis courts, private grounds, more. All available for anyone who wished for privacy and avoidance of US Tax laws.
But then Sanjay Gupta has bought it and it had become an alien consulate and was one of the more discussed places on Earth.
Still, as the craft sliced through the air above the sea Robert couldn’t help have the impression he wasn’t approaching the some evil lair, rather somewhere that looked like a small, tacky, tourist resort. It was conservative, slightly garish and very boring.
No grand displays of alien technology, no alien flags, no aliens.
As the ship carefully and expertly navigated to a landing pad next to a pier the only indication he was technically on alien soil was a small sign which informed visitors that this island was under the laws and jurisdiction of the Bendolzians.
He was met by a polite staff and escorted to see the elusive billionaire. As he strides, Fadden looked about him.
Can’t imagine anyone having an orgy in a place like this. Maybe a game of bingo...
Twenty five minutes later, small talk over with, he has his recorder set up and mic placed to pick up his target.
He had to admit- Sanjay Gupta was not what he was expecting. Bespectacled, hair thinning, his face filed with a smile that was a little too over eager, a growing gut. If anything Fadden would have said he seemed more needy Indian uncle than evil billionaire.
The Scottish reporter clears his throat, turns on the recorder and begins.
“So, Mr Gupta...”
“Sanjay please. I prefer informality in my interviews,” comes the reply. Gupta’s English was perfect; the exact intonations of formal Received Pronunciation. Fadden could tell he had spent a lot to hide his origins form Uttar Pradesh.
“Fine. Sanjay. So, for the record, why did so many governments accuse you of fraud and theft?”
The billionaire smiles his over eager smile and sits back on his luxurious couch.
“Do you know the precise accusations or only the board terms?”
He’s avoiding...
“Only the broad terms, obviously.”
“Why is this? You are a journalist after all? Surely YOU would know more?”
Fadden can sense some kind of trap, so makes sure to answer precisely.
“The United World Global Council declared that since the crimes were committed against Beldolzians it would be better if the exact details remains a secret, to prevent any inter-species misunderstandings they said.”
Gupta seems pleased with this answer, and nodding says, “Indeed. The seven nations in the UWGC decreed it and the other 79 in the general assembly who had made allegations against me agreed to follow their decision. So the world was only ever given a broad over view of what I supposedly did.”
“Massive fraud of the Beldolzians,” says Robert, hoping to get more out of him, “and theft and deception. Hundreds of counts. Which makes me restate my question: Why?”
“Because they were jealous. I merely saw a gap in the market first and they could not see a way of closing this gap,” comes the reply.
“So the accusations were untrue?”
“Indeed Mr Robert, but it is worse that that? They were a smokescreen. The governments of humanity only alleged those things so they could shake me down for money. They wanted a cut of my profits. Extortion. So I made a deal with them and suddenly the charges were dropped.”
“Really?”
Fadden tried to keep the skepticism out of his voice but fails. Gupta did not seem to notice.
“Really Mr Robert. There WAS a fraud committed but not enacted by myself. It was done by the leaders of the world. I’m the victim here.”
“That’s a very serious accusation...”
“Would you like me to show you the emails? The private correspondence I have from the worlds leaders? The President of the EU? Prime Minister of the Greater Indian Republic? I even have a mail from the Patriarch of the Holy Russian Theocracy offering to lift the excommunication they had placed upon me, in exchange for hard currency. Extortion.”
“Because you are making...”
“Because I’ve made a fortune and made the Bendolzians very happy. Our alien friends pay me for simply providing them a service,” says the Indian. The Scot was having none of this, his hard nose journalist edge sought to sting his subject into revealing more.
“By selling them fake art? That seemed to be the gist of the accusations.”
Gupta smiles, all teeth and thin lips, but his eyes are cold.
“I never sold fakes. I sold copies.”
“You don’t pay a fortune for a copy,” spits back Fadden.
“The Bendolzians do.”
“Why?”
Gupta thinks and leans forward and say quietly, ‘I need to talk about that sex statement I made on the phone yes?”
“It was a hell of a statement to make. Provocative.”
“Deliberately so, Mr Robert. But not incorrect.”
“Explain it to me. Why do alien sexual practices mean you made fortune selling them copies of art?”
The billionaire nods and leans back again, his eyes searching Fadden’s face for a moment.
“Alright Mr Robert. I need to ask you a hypothetical question to begin. Indulge me for a moment.”
“Go ahead,” comes the crisp Glaswegian accent.
“Let us assume you are gay. Or that sexuality and gender is not something you cared about. I don’t know if you do, I don’t care, I just need you to suspend those concepts for me before I ask you this question,” says Gupta.
“Alright. Consider them suspended. What’s the question?”
“Would you be inclined to sleep with me. Right now.”
Robert blinks. Part of him has to admit, he did NOT expect such a question. Rapidly, he regains his composure.
“Er... no.”
“Alright. Why?”
“I don’t find you attractive. As men go. If I was to find a man attractive, I don’t think you would be it.”
“So,” says Gupta, talking as casually as he would an old friend, “there is an aesthetic quality you would desire in a partner. My ‘looks’ are not attractive enough to entice you?”
“Indeed. Not attractive enough.”
The Indian smiles, this time with an amused twinkle in his eye.
“But consider- I am the richest man on Earth. Worth billions. Being my sexual partner has its advantages then.”
“Are you offering me cash to sleep with you? Hypothetically speaking of course,” says Robert, also amused at the conversation.
“Let’s assume I’m not, so let me be more precise- isn’t there a certain allure to the idea of having said ‘I slept with the richest man on Earth?’ Would this change your mind?”
“Maybe. I’m unsure.”
“Let us assume then if you slept with me, you would receive financial benefits.”
“How much?”
“Assume a lot.”
“No offence, it would have to be,” he says automatically, but the journalist inwardly worries if his reply went too far. Luckily it did not seem to have.
“None taken. But assume it would be a life changing amount. Does this change your answer?”
“Maybe. Probably. I don’t know. Probably.”
“Aha. So the result of my proposition depends upon the CONTEXT it occurs in. By myself? You have no desire to have sex with me. With my wealth? Maybe. With material reward? Probably. I am correct in this?”
Robert couldn’t help but worry where this was going.
“Mr Gupta, I have to say...”
“Mr Robert- firstly? It’s Sanjay. Secondly, let me assure you, I have NO desire to sleep with you. At all. You are are someone I do not find attractive. And you do not have an alluring multi-billion dollar fortune to help compensate for this.”
Fadden grins, and says, “So why the questions?”
“Consider the human criteria for sleeping with people. Trust me Mr Robert, I am not one of the winners in the lottery of life in this regards. But I am aware that all people have certain traits, certain criteria we all place before us when it comes to choosing a sexual partner.”
The billionaire folds one leg under his body and gets into his stride.
“For some it is good looks we value most. For others it is wealth. Others would find a man who is gentle to be what they seek for most. Still others would place the ability to make them laugh. Usually it is not just one thing, but a combination of things, of desires, that all mix together and are manifest in something called the hierarchy of desire.”
The Scotsman blinks and says quietly, “You referring to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?”
The Indians face lights up, the way a persons face changes when they realise someone understands what they are talking about.
“Partly. Maslow’s theories do not have any scientific proof behind them yes? But they remain popular over 150 years after they come out because we all recognise something of ourselves in them?”
“That’s a fair assessment,” says Robert, trying to remember courses in psychology and sociology he had studied in university decades ago.
“So, I do not use HIS example as the actual model of this heirachy, as humans are more complex and there is probably much more interplay beteeen the actual levels...”
“I’d always thought so.”
“Good. We agree. But I use the term ‘hierarchy of desire’ as shorthand to describe the complicated, and uniquely individualistic ways we humans make the choice to decide if we are going to have sex with someone. Or not. There are a myriad of factors yes?”
Robert remained silent. He’d have to do some reading after this interview to see if Gupta’s words were valid or just cherry picking aspects of things, but for now he was just letting his target speak. Gupta simply carries on.
“Deep seated desires, physical fetishes, the circumstances you find yourself in, your location, all these are a factor. But, when the decision is made, we ALL follow a simple concept- where does the person who wishes to sleep with me fit within my heirachy of desire?”
A shrug, “Above the criteria for sex? We will have sex most probably. Below it? And we most probably won’t.”
Fadden sat and watched this little Indian explain the theory with glee. He was also aware he had allowed Gupta steer the interview away from him. It was time to try and bring it back.
“Alright Sanjay, assume I agree with that. What has all of this to do with accusations of defrauding an entire alien species?”
Sanjay Gupta sighs and shakes his head. He stands and walks away from the seating area towards the far wall of his grand study. Along one side, open windows with billowing curtains, reveal a stunning vista of the Caribbean but he ignores it.
“Follow me please,” he says as he does this. Robert Fadden, startled, grabs his microphone and follows the billionaire.
Gupta walks towards a painting at the far, far end of the massive room, leans upon a nearby desk and indicates to it.
“Mr Robert? Please, look at this,” he says politely.
The Scotsman joins the billionaire and gazed at the painting. It was sumptuous. A renaissance work he was sure. A woman holding a rather chubby baby, talking to another woman, with a man stood behind her. Robert is drawn to the way the sumptuous colours and fine detail.
He gazed at it a few seconds and says “Beautiful. Is it expensive?”
Gupta grins and says,”It is ‘A Sacra Conversazione: The Madonna and Child with Saints Luke and Catherine of Alexandria’ by the Renaissance master, Titian. Painted around 550 years ago. It was last sold in 2011 for just shy of 17 million dollars. Its current value is 378 million dollars. US.”
Unsure of how to respond to the billionaire showing off his wealth Robert simply says, “It’s amazing.”
Gupta raises his eyebrows.
“I bought this for 250,000 dollars. Cash.”
“Why so cheap?”
“Its not the original,” comes the cool reply.
“It isn’t?”
“I paid a man in Hong King, a most skilled fabricator, that much cash to create a copy of it. A copy so good that only a true expert armed with a bevvy of technology would be able to detect it is NOT the real thing. It is by all accounts an amazing replica. Right down to the exact number of brushstrokes.”
Robert gazed at it. It LOOKED authentic. He has no idea why he is looking at it, but part of him senses the billionaire is close to confessing his fraud, So remains silent. People hate silence. They fill it.
Two seconds later Gupta fills the silence.
“Next question Mr Robert; if this is virtually indistinguishable from the original, except to the eye of an utter expert who has spent a lifetime studying the paintings of Titian, why is original verison worth 1384 times more than this?”
“Its a fake.”
“No, it would ONLY become a fake if I ever tried to say it was the original. I do not. It is a replica. A copy. I repeat the question; why is it worth much less than the original?”
“Because it’s NOT the original.”
“Agreed. But why do we insist an original is worth more than a copy?”
This is it Robert- this is him confessing... careful man... just entice him to confess...
“I dunno”, comes the Scottish brogue accent, “it’s complicated. Why do we value art?”
“A complex question, yes. But consider it this way- ultimately all you are saying is that the difference between this painting and the one it copies is the CONTEXT of both paintings yes?”
Robert Fadden frowns and thinks for a moment before speaking.
“Are you saying it’s like the way we pick sexual partners?”
“Not in so many words but at its heart, yes. There is an underlying pattern of thought. The thoughts themselves differ Mr Robert, but the pattern of thought, the idea of a hierarchy of desire remains.”
“I suppose I see your point Mr Gupta... Sanjay. But it’s rather thin don’t you think?”
Slowly the billionaire walks away from the painting to the open windows and just beyond it, a wide balcony that runs along the side of the massive room. There is no wind today, but despite the sun, the balcony is in shade. Robert finds it so wonderfully refreshing... and it’s a heck of a view.
As he walks, Gupta chats along with the journalist casually.
“You know what I was reading the other day? The original reviews of an old 20th century movie called ‘Psycho’. It is an amazing film. It is about a woman who steals money of her employer and then flees to join up with her lover in another state. As she drives, she is troubled by a violent storm and so decides to stop on her journey at somewhere called the Bates Motel, where she meets the owner, one Norman Bates...”
“Yes Sanjay, I am aware of ‘Psycho’. She gets murdered in the shower.”
“Oh good. Now what’s interesting is that the critics, without exception, slated the film. They called it unimaginative and plodding and even said it was infested with tediousness. Meanwhile the public hated it. They did not go see it. It was a commercial failure.”
The reporter frowns, “No. Wait. That’s not right. Hitchcock’s Psycho is a classic.”
The Indian smiles broadly at this reply.
“Ah. I refer to the remake made by Gus Van Sant 38 years later. An almost shot for shot remake of the original. A perfect copy. Utterly overlooked. It’s existence is almost forgotten about.”
There was a remake?
“Tell me- what is it about copies we hate so much? In the heriarchy of desire why do we hate ‘fakes’- men who try too hard, or movies that make copies of classics or modern versions of ancient paintings?”
Fadden gazed at the waves for a moment and says, “Authenticity. We value authenticity.”
“Ah, very good Mr Robert. We value authenticity. The key word there is ‘value’. When we talk about art we say authenticity. When we talk about sexual partners we can say sincerity. Or attractiveness. Whatever. It is NOT about HOW we place things in the heirarchy of desire, it is that we have these values at all that is crucial.”
“Alright Sanjay. Let’s assume I go along with this. What does all this have to do...”
“I’m getting to that Mr Robert. All I am saying ultimately is that when you study humans you quickly realise that this method of thinking in ingrained so deeply into us that it manifests itself in a million ways. So, shall I have sex with this person or that person? Shall I buy this suit or this coat? Shall I purchase this limited edition car? Shall I visit this country or that country? How much is this painting worth? Do you see?”
Robert stares out at the sea for a few seconds.
“Yes. I see. I think.”
“Or put it this way. Take the Mona Lisa. The most expensive painting in the world. It said to be priceless but I happen to know that if you offered the French government 7 billion Euros? They would let you purchase it. Of course it must remain in the Louvre for all time. But for seven billion you get a little plaque next to it saying it’s yours.”
Fadden can’t help but grin at Gupta.
“You asked didn’t you?”
“I was curious,” he laughs, “but now consider this. The Mona Lisa is worth 7 billion. A high grade copy of it printed on canvus with the best processes money can buy? Ten thousand euros. A low grade copy? Maybe 400. And a poster? Ten euro. See? We value originals, authenticated and unique above all others. And the CONTEXT of the other copies will dictate where we place them on the hierarchy of desire.”
“Right but...”
“But what about our alien friends?”
“Indeed,” says Fadden.
“Bendolzian’s are an odd bunch to look at. You must have seen pictures. Trust me they are much more shocking to meet for real. Eight feet high. Six legs around a long central core containing their mouth for eating and oriface for excretion. They have the torso above the core, which means arms, mouths, eyes and ears and crucially brains are separate from functions for eating and movement...”
“Yes I am aware of how... different they look. When did you first have dealings with them?”
The billionaire began walking back to his fake painting by the desk, the reporter carefully making sure his microphone picks up every word. Gupta seems to be happy to talk about his dealings with the aliens.
“I first visited the Bendolzian home world 9 years ago. Part of a mostly failed trade delegation. I was hoping to see if they needed any large scale waste disposal.”
“Go on?”
“My first day there? I met a human XenoBiologist. One of the first who went there. He told me something fascinating. The Bendolzians love sex. For the sake of sex.”
Robert nodded. Back to the sex talk.
“They DO?” He tried to sound mock shocked.
“Yes. Or so he thought. Bendolzians are capable of feeling intense pleasure during sex and seem to copulate often. Yet sex is a common social interaction for them. They use sex in greeting, departing, in establishing rapport. They have no sense of shame about it. And aside from a prohibition upon close familial members, to prevent genetic deformities, no hangs ups. They copulate. Frequently. Its why their population is so staggeringly large. There are 11 billion humans and 580 billion Bendolzian”
“So they like sex, good for them...”
“No Mr Robert. That’s not the point. You make the same mistake the XenoBiologists make. You see events but don’t think about what they mean...”
Gupta is back leaning against his desk. It’s covered in papers, neatly arranged, held down with some kind of gold coloured paperweight; perfectly aligned pens; a small, but powerful computer to one side. Fadden however is focused utterly upon the Indian.
“What this shows Mr Robert, is the Bendolzians do NOT have a heirarchy of desire.”
Gupta smiles, “And I realised at that exact moment that they and we THINK differently. This is not exactly a original thing to realise. It obvious really. My gift was I saw exactly how we differed in thought- what process of human thought they did not have. It’s why they don’t use currency. Why their society is far more fluid socially. They simply appreciate the pleasure of sex or the beauty in an object because it is pleasurable or beautiful.”
The Scotsman raises an eyebrow and says quietly, “So you mean...”
“I mean that to a Bendolzian, the ten euro poster of the Mona Lisa is as valuable as the high grade copy, or even the original. They do not fixate upon the need for authenticity. A thing is a thing to them. If it is a beautiful painting? They appreciate the painting, even if it is merely a cheap copy to us.”
Fadden watched as the India picked up the golden paperweight on his desk in an absent-minded manner. He then realised it wasn’t a golden paperweight at all, but an actual small ingot of gold, a few inches long, solid and set. Having it on the desk seemed like the kind of onsetentious display a billionaire liked to make. But he put it out of his mind. He had his exclusive.
“So,” says the reporter, zeroing in on his story, “you realised this and then exploited this?”
“I capitalised upon it. Bendolzians adore human culture yes? So I made a deal with them. I gained the exclusive rights to sell them human art. They love human art. Its alien but fascinating to them. I would sell copies of human paintings to them. To all of them. Any Beldozian now could own a small copy of any human painting. A simple high resolution copy. And they would pay me. Not much. But there are hundreds of billions of them. Micro transactions really do add up.”
“Wait- that IS fraud. That’s the work of artists. You are using THEIR work to gain profit...”
That smug grin returns.
“I never used any art created by a living painter. In fact I don’t use any work less than 100 years old. That left me all the art work from antiquity to the start of the twentieth century. Billions of images. All in the public domain. A never ending supply really.”
“What about the owners of these paintings? Or the museums? They hold the rights to these images, in terms of profit making...”
The India smiles and begins walking back to the comfy chairs, the reporter following him as he spoke.
“Two things Mr Robert- firstly, ALL human laws regarding licensing rights were written specifically to do with the gaining of currency and Bendoldzians do not use currency so they are technically inapplicable.”
Sanjay Gupta sits down, his face wearing a Cheshire Cat grin, “Secondly- museums? Really? Did you ever read about how in the early 21st century there was a rash of ‘copyright farmers’? Legal firms who would purchase the rights to old songs and then go after anyone who used those songs in any media, demanding payment? Men who never had a damn thing to do with the writing, performing and recording of the song, but who bought the rights and made a fortune from them? Tell me, how are museums functionally different from those odious creatures?”
“That’s a debate for the courts. I don’t think they would agree,” says the reporter sitting down opposite his target.
“Perhaps. Perhaps not. But the cases never came to court. The great and the good spluttered at what I was doing in utter indignation and rage, unleashed a bevvy of criminal charges upon me, sought to demand I cut them into my deal. A shake down. They were outraged that I, solely, was profiting from the collective output of thousands of years of human art.”
“Yes, agreed. Its not fair really...”
The billionaire smiles as he stares into his reflection in the small gold ingot he casually toyed with in his hands.
“Perhaps. But then? They dropped ALL the charges. Dropped everything. Retracted every single allegation. Can you guess why?”
“You cut them in?”
“Actually? I made a deal but not the one they wanted. I never gave them a penny. Which begs the question- why did they drop the allegations?”
“It was the Bendolzians? They were getting art from you. They moved to protect you?”
“Oh no Mr Robert. The answer is much more mundane and obvious. Think back along what I have told you during the interview. What is the one glaring inconsistency in my story. What part, when you think about it, doesn’t make sense? A single idea that doesn’t sit right?”
Robert Fadden blinks and sits back. His mind ranges over the rambling discussion. None of it really made too much sense he supposed. A billionaire justifying his fraudulent method of getting rich. Still, it DID seem to have a consistency to it. Fadden mused.
About sex, and art, and how humans think and how the aliens think, and about copies of art, and museums and lawsuits and fraud and...
He blinks.
“Wait. You said the Bendolzians PAID you. But Bendolzians don’t use currency. They never ‘pay’ anyone. They trade. Technology for art.”
“Ah, you are very intelligent Mr.Robert. Yes they trade. A thing for a thing.”
“They gave you technology?”
“No. I have never displayed any advanced technological item have I? No, they did not give me any technology for this art.”
“So what did they give you?”
The Indian smiles and tosses across the small gold ingot casually at him, underarm. Fadden catches it, loses it, and hurriedly grabs it as it falls. He stares at the gold bar for a few seconds.
“Gold?”
“The heriarchy of desire Mr Robert. Question- why do we value gold?”
“It’s precious.”
“No, WHY? Why is it considered precious?”
“It’s rare.”
“Yes. All gold on Earth arrived here at a very specific time period in the planets history. The late heavy bombardment; the asteroids came they hit the thick crust and gold was deposited. But it isn’t much. Gold is a rare and precious commodity on Earth. This rarity makes it desirable. It moves up the heirarchy of desire.”
“But the Bendolzians...”
“The Bendolzians are a very advanced civilisation. They harvest plasma from their sun you know? This process provides fuel for their ships. There is, however, an annoying side effect in this process.”
“Annoying side effect?”
“What business did I begin in again Mr Robert?”
Robert Fadden clings to the small gold ingot, but his eyes widen and in a horse Scottish whisper says, “Waste disposal...”
“Well done Mr Fadden. Bendolzians harvest plasma from their sun and remove the many impurities they find there, including huge quantities of a useless, soft yellow metal, that they have no need for. Gold. I offered to dispose of it for them. In my eagerness however, I unfortunately mentioned it had a value to us humans. Otherwise they may have just given it to me for free. But I was able to fashion an arrangement. I give them art, they give me lots of this waste metal,” he smiles.
“But... that... I mean...”
“Question Mr Robert- can you imagine what would happen to human civilisation if it was revealed that the most precious metal, the actual bedrock of the global economy, was actually as common as sea water?”
“It would... the price would...”
“It would lose its place in the heriarchy of desire Mr Robert. It would no longer be a Mona Lisa, but a low quality postcard of it. The value would plummet.”
“It would... it could... cause a global economic meltdown.”
“Which is what the leaders of the world realised. So a deal was struck. They leave me alone and I keep this a secret. I was allowed enough gold to enter the market to make me richer than anyone else who has ever been and then? I sit on the rest. Occasionally I make secret transfers to the few governments who know. I have actually helped prevent a economic crisis or two. I get good rates.”
“But that’s...”
“Merely a function of the hierarchy of desire Mr Robert. Human beings are no longer alone in the universe. But we haven’t actually changed at all have we? We are still human.”
He laughs, joyful and happy. He catches Robert’s shocked face and his grin seems to grow.
“Of course, I need to keep this fact a secret, but I’m fine with that. Mostly.”
The reporter feels a cold clammy sweat trickle down his back. He gazed at the gold bar in his hand, his mind awash with a thousand thoughts and then one thought stops his thinking dead. One single thought makes him slowly look up, look at his microphone and the recording device, and then look Sanjay Gupta dead in the eye.
“Wait. You have to keep this secret. From everyone. Why are you confessing to me?”
“Oh Mr Robert. I’m not confessing... I am BRAGGING. The only issue with having pulled this off, this brilliant manipulation of TWO species is, alas, I can’t tell anyone about it. It can be somewhat vexing.”
He leans forwards eagerly, a cold glint in his eyes.
“And so? Every so often, when the desire to gloat gets too much much for me? I invite a journalist who is sniffing around, and there are ALWAYS journalists sniffing around, to come meet me. And then I get to brag about this brilliant thing I have done. It is most refreshing and enjoyable to do so. You will be the fourth person I have told this too.”
“What happened to the other three?”
A shrug.
“They are all dead. Oh, it wasn’t me who did it. All three left this Island as alive as when they arrived. But what can I say? All three knew a secret. And maybe they would have published the story. Or maybe they would have kept it to themselves. Who knows? But I ask you? What government can take that chance eh?”
“They were killed?”
“Maybe. They are all certainly dead. Which is odd don’t you think?”
Robert Madden finds himself standing, moving towards the open windows, staring out onto the perfect Caribbean Sea. It’s blue waves gently undulate but the beauty of it is lost upon him. His mind races, considering possibilities and permutations.
Behind him two security men enter the room quietly, and the Indian muses, “Of course we have to ask WHY human governments would think it better to dispose of the reporters like this. Where exactly DO trashy tabloid journalists fit on the hierarchy?”
Fadden feels very cold.
A Bond villain after all...
“You can keep that, by the way,” says Gupta, and Robert is aware he is still holding the gold bar; he gazed at it as his host says, “it’s not like I would miss it.”
Robert closes his eyes. He considers all he knows about the world, all he has learned about life and comes to one sudden, cold, reality.
“I’m fucked,” he says openly, his Glaswegian accent becoming thicker as he gets upset.
“Alas yes Mr Andrew. It would appear so. Now, these gentlemen will escort you to the boat.”
Robert turns and sees his recording device on the table. Next to it sits Sanjay Gupta, smiling away and next to him stand two menacing gentlemen in well made suits.
Twenty minutes later he gathers his wits. As he sits on the purple boat he realises he has one chance, just one chance... if he can upload the interview onto the web, he could maybe use it as leverage. His mind races through possible negotiations with mysterious government figures, his silence can be bought.
But as he fumbles with his phone he spots something and a few minutes later a crew member explains “Mr Gupta apologises, but Bendolozian craft generate a field that prevents signal getting out. If you could wait until you reach the shore...”
Robert Fadden’s mind races. He’ll upload the moment he gets to the marina, then go back to his hotel, if he has time, encrypt the recording, hide all trace, use its existence as a way to...
But as the boat comes into view of its destination he sees them. A small handful of local police officers. Amidst them westerners. Tall ones. Casually dressed. Wearing sunglasses. Their faces all staring at the purple boat that glides into the marina...
He hears his mother’s voice echo in his mind Don’t be having anything to do with dangerous men Bobby; Ya neva know what trouble it can land ya in.

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