Having money is one of most addictive things on this planet, but it is also one of the least addressed forms of addiction. We focus on other addictions, like food, drugs, gambling, and spending as mental health issues, but we forget that money addiction could be a treatable mental illness.
Many people acknowledge forms of addiction like alcohol, drugs, food, spending, and gambling as mental illnesses, but very few people treat money and power addictions seriously. We brush it off as if it isn't really a thing, or even if it's a thing, we don't think much about it. I would argue that money and power are just as addictive, if not more addictive than the addictions we are used to hearing about. Earning money brings a dopamine rush. Lottery winners get a dopamine rush. Spending money gives a dopamine rush. Having power gives a dopamine rush. Over time, this rush gets less, and we require more of the thing to get the rush. For those addicted to money, the more money they have, the more they want. For those not addicted to money, the more money they have, the less they want, because they don't "need" it as urgently anymore. If money and power are so addictive, why aren't people recognizing it as an illness but rather a character flaw? Money hungry people are seen as evil, sick, and twisted, but could at least a few of them be mentally sick in a similar way to an alcoholic? Now before you think I'm defending the rich and need to be crucified, I'm thinking of this from a mental illness point of view. Forget politics, inequality, and the whole class wars for just a moment, and let's focus on mental health. Inequality is definitely a huge thing and I find inequality disgusting and want to fix it, but if we put all of those aside, could some forms of addiction to money be a mental illness? Calling certain rich mentally ill isn't exactly flattering to them, but just like the difference between a drinker and an alcoholic, being able to tell which rich person is in control of their money and who isn't can really open up areas of ideas that can solve inequality. Are some rich people evil? For sure. Heck, even rich people who are addicted to money could be evil, similar to how some drug addicts are evil. Addiction doesn't exclude you from being evil, but it certainly doesn't help. Recognizing addiction when it happens can create a breakthrough in recognizing human behaviour. One thing to understand about addiction is that you don't have to have much access to the thing to be addicted to it. For example, an alcoholic without any booze in his hand or in his cupboard is still an alcoholic. Alcoholism acts on your body and mind. It changes the way you think about alcohol. You feel you need alcohol. In the same way, you could be broke and powerless and still be addicted to money, but you don't know it. A lot of people feel they need money, and we do need money like we need food. But food addiction is a thing. What is the difference between food addiction and just being hungry? There is a lot of difference. You can be hungry, but not have an unhealthy relationship towards food. You could be full, but still have an unhealthy relationship towards food. If you find yourself wanting more money the more you have, then you could be at risk. Similarly, addiction can reduce your quality of life even if you have the said thing. An alcoholic with access to alcohol isn't exactly living the best version of his/her life. Just because an alcoholic has alcohol doesn't mean they are happy. Their life may be out of control, and their life could be revolving around alcohol against his/her consent. They may be smiling when they are drunk, but they might be unhappy inside. A lot of reasons why people associate money hungry people with evil is because when you get money, someone else doesn't get the money. They see it as a zero sum game, where money hungry people are getting money at the expense of others. If so, the same thing could be said of food. If I eat a hamburger, someone else doesn't eat the hamburger. There are starving people everywhere. Is it right to say that all food addicts are evil? "Why don't the rich people who protest against inequality simply give away all their money if they are so concerned about inequality?" Because money is addictive. If alcoholics protest against alcoholism, is it so easy to give away all their alcohol? Even I wouldn't ask an alcoholic to simply "just give up alcohol". It's way more complicated than that. We need to understand addiction better. Not only to help inequality, but to help all the addicts, including alcoholics, gamblers, eaters, spenders, and people with money. TLDR: Money is addictive and people addicted to money could be mentally ill and need to seek professional help.
Asian American Federation, a non-profit composed of 39 member agencies, calls on New York to do more for Asians on mental health: One specific shortfall, according to the AAF, is an absence of specialists who can deal with such issues as gambling, alcohol and drug addiction from an Asian perspective
DisclaimerI want to thank everyone for the gilds, replies and suggestions. I just do not have time to reply to everyone, but I am reading everything. I am not sure how much bigger the thread can be, I already typed this but it vanished so I think I'm at the limit. I will try to keep updating, but I don't expect the thread to be up top for much longer and will likely vanish soon, so if you need anything save it. Yes, it's hard, it sucks, it's depressing. It is something we all have to do if you want to see this virus go. Everyone knows the deal, too many think they're the exception but no one is. However, staying home is hard so maybe I can help at least one or two people with some incentives. I'll try to give links to some things that can help cure the boredom, and some support if you need it. Most of this might be obvious to some, some might not even have internet and of course, money is a big issue, so I'll try to give some suggestions: For streaming and on demand things such as Netflix et al, don't forget you can subscribe for free for your first month. This goes for most things in the list. If you are worried about putting in your payment details and forgetting to cancel a month later, don't worry! You can sign up and immediately cancel and you still get your free month! For people who don't have a smart TV, you can buy a cheap Amazon Fire TV stick or a Roku box. The Fire stick can go as low as £20 often for 1080p. It will drop to £30 for 4k. I picked up a 4k Roku device for £18 on Amazon once. It's fast and snappy. currently it's going for £33 for the 4k version. Having both, there is little difference between the devices. NowTV also do their own roku powered device. Subscription based streaming sites that all offer 2-4 weeks free for first timers
Netflix *According to comments the second month is free.
Amazon Prime You can either get Amazon video on its own, or take prime with other benefits. I strongly urge those who use Amazon for buying off their store front to use [https://smile.amazon.co.uk/] as there is literally no difference except everything you buy amazon donates to a charity of your choice.
Amazon channels. I believe you can get all these individually but Amazon offers them as channels bound to your prime account, and they are again either free for a couple weeks (again, take them, cancel instantly) or very cheap. I recently subscribed to Starzplay for £1 for 3 months. It has some good shows on it like Fringe, doom patrol. It also has channels like Curiosity stream and shudder
If you have not subscribed to the any of the above, you can get a few months of free TV by signing up and cancelling instantly. I suggest waiting at least 5 minutes just to let it go through the system. Some tips for Now TV. IF you already have a subscription, I've noticed you can get it cheaper by cancelling. When you cancel they will beg you to stay. Select "I can not afford it this month" and they should beg again, telling you what shows they have. If you say you still want to cancel, they'll beg one last time and offer you the subscription for cheaper. This won't work every month, but I've noticed they'll always offer it the first time, then again after a couple months. If you're subscribed to both films and entertainment do the most expensive one as it may not work both times (but it might!). You can also pick up passes from storefronts a lot cheaper sometimes, before I could pick one up on Amazon for £3 but, they seem to have cracked down on it. If you shop around (or if anyone knows of a legitimate store please let me know) you might be able to pick it up cheaper. Lastly, check their website and under your account they should have an "offers for you" section. Completely free TV
If you do have a smart TV and/or device, there are some good free streaming apps. One I really love is called PlutoTV. I know this is on both Roku and the fire stick, as well as Ps4/Ps5 and xbox. Pluto offers a bunch of live channels and now an on demand section, all for free. It has adverts but they are actually short (shorter than regular TV and fewer of them). Some of the channels are just streaming certain shows like Mythbusters 24/7 or Dog the bounty hunter, but it has a lot of old movie channels as well as 24/7 kickboxing and MMA. It also has a 24/7 poker channel I quite like. Another one I like is Rakuten Viki however, I haven't watched it for a while as my fire stick is only 1080p and I have too many other devices attached. I believe it is on Roku but you have to jump through some hoops and have an account. The last I checked on the fire stick you did not. Viki offers a metric ton of Asian shows, mainly from Japan and South Korea but it does have chinese, Malaysian etc. It has subtitles. Some Japanese shows are hysterical, albeit weird. Roku also do their own channels with free shows if you own a device. For those who don't have a smart TV or a Streaming device, you can set up your own computer as a dedicated streaming device with Plex. It's been a while since I used it but I believe it now also offers free movies and TV. Anime If you are into Anime there is
The first 2 are free to watch, or offer premium without ads which you can have a trial with. Crunchyroll is the better of the two with more original choice for Japanese voice and subs, while Funimation has more Dubs. I don't believe HiDive is free to watch but you do get a 2 week trial. These are more exclusives than the previous two. PC Centric software If you are a gamer or like Audiobooks or anything that uses computers for things like music making, programming or graphic design
Humble Bundle offers, as per the name, bundles. A long running site that got bought out by IGN. It offers both single items and bundles you can buy individually/as a pack while also offering a separate monthly subscription for around £8-9. The subscription gives you 12 games on average per month. That's the simplest explanation but it changes somewhat as sometimes you get to pick 10 out of 14 games, or get all 12. Humble bundle offers more than just games though. Every Tuesday they bring a new bundle of games, while Thursday (I "think) a new bundle of books. They very often have books from the Black Library giving you a ton of Warhammer books. Sometimes it's standard E-books, other times it's audiobooks. A few times a year they do bundles for graphic design, a typical bundle would include programs like Paintshop Pro Corel Painter etc, They usually go for £0.76 for tier 1 up to around £18 for tier 3, which would include 4-6 full titles with 10+ addons. They also often have Music making bundles or video editing software as well as Programming or video game development. The bundles change often, they usually have around 11 bundles at a time that last for 20 days. Sometimes it's trash but they do often have some very good deals. Fanatical offers the same as humble bundle except usually not as high quality, but sometimes they do have some incredible deals, and they are very very cheap. Both humble and fanatical are safe, trusted and been around a long time, and they are NOT grey market key sites. They work with the publishers and developers. You can buy games both old and new for a lot cheaper than you would most other places. Unless it states otherwise, keys are usually for steam. **BOTH HB and Fanatical (HB much more common) offer free games fairly often. The catch is linking your steam account to them (at least HB). It is safe however. IndieGala is another site like above. Except, these are much much lower quality. However, they offer a metric ton of free games. Quality is low but it is legitimate, and a lot of free stuff. Game Store Fronts
Steam This one is so obvious I didn't add it, but apparently many want me to. It is the best out there, and you can find almost everything, with fantastic deals.
Greenmangaming offers games cheaply. Again, not a grey market site (which are legal but unethical) and they sometimes do bundles.
GoG (Good old games) is a DRM free site run by CDPR, the makers of the Witcher 3 and Cyberpunk. They offer you games quite cheap and not needing DRM (such as Steam, Uplay etc which is less invasive versions of dodgy DRM from the olden days).
Epic Games Despite the controversy whether you care about their rivalry with valve, they offer free games ever week. Without ever having bought anything I have gained over 170 games. literally. Good games for the most part. They often give you £10 coupons as well.
Twitch Everyone knows twitch, but if you don't, it's a streaming service for watching gamers and girls with low cut tops accidentally bending over in front of the game. However, if you're signed up to prime, you get free games each month (and randomly between the set bunch).
Playstation Store Currently has January sales. Currently the free games for PS+ are for PS4: Shadow of the Tomb Raider and Greedfall. For the Ps5 it is Maneater
Games with GoldBleed 2 and the King of Fighters XIII is available until Janurary 15th whilst little Nightmares is available until January 31st.
Gaming Subscriptions Like the TV versions, you can sign up to these for a free trial (or very cheap). If you do sign up to only one at a time, it should keep you busy for a few months
Xbox Game Pass You can do this on both/either an Xbox or PC. If you sign up to the regular one, you can get a month (maybe three!) for £1. After you have done that, you can sign up to the premium version for 3 months at £1 a month. Most people know game pass, but you can download a large selection of games for free. The premium version gives you games with gold, allowing you to keep the games forever (but can only play with a subscription)
Ubisoft+ I'm not 100% sure if you get a trial or not. This allows a large collection of Ubisoft titles to play for £12.99 a month. Quite expensive but good if you like Ubisoft titles I guess.
EA Play EA's version. Goes by a ton of names I think, EA Access, EA Play, Origin Access etc etc. There's a couple of versions of this, and it is across all platforms (PS4/5, Xbox, PC) but not sure about the switch. I "think" the premium allows you to play on all platforms, while the cheaper one on a single platform, but I may be mistaken.
PS Now a once terrible service that is now actually very good. Allows you to download some Ps4 games to your PS4/5 and lets you stream a massive amount of Ps2/3/4 to your PC or playstation.
There's more like nvidia's service but you need the Shield device which is quite expensive. I'll leave it at that. Audiobooks & Ebooks
Audible Not sure what the current deal is but if you are a prime member you can sign up for a trial and get a free Audiobook each month for 3 months. Some warhammer books are 48 hours long, 3 of those gives you a good 100+ hours of listening!
Comixology Another Amazon company, but lets you download some free comics I believe.
Sign LanguageBSL here No experience myself, suggested by n21brown and asked for a few times. Didn't know SL was so popular! Listed as "Pay what you can"
BBC's Bitesizehere is apparently good for home learning. Again, no personal experience.
If you need some spare change Okay, I don't generally bother with it, but maybe some of this could be useful to you. These are NOT a quick way to make a fortune. These are small things you can do over time for a bit of pocket change
If you have prime you can get a FREE FIVE POUND GIFT CARD by literally just streaming a song from Amazon music (which is included in prime) here is the detailsAccording to the comments it's only for select people, but it's worth trying If the link doesn't work for you just google "Amazon £5 coupon music"
Now, these sorts of sites have been around for years, I haven't used any other than talkInsights which I must have signed up to 10-15 years ago. Basically they send you surveys and you answer them. They are confidential and don't ask for personal details in the survey. You need 2000 points and you get £20. During the pandemic they've slowed down but I probably get around £40 a year. Not much I know, but it's an email followed by a quick survey ticking boxes. Depending on your answer sometimes you get screened out, I'm not telling you to lie but just be consistent with your answers and you should be able to work out how to not get screened. Some emails are only worth 20 points, others 200. It's slow to get to the 2000 but very quick to just answer a few questions.
Apparently beermoneyuk is a good sub to make some pocket change with.
There is also matched betting. I have never done this, I don't have the patience but from what I've read, it's legitimate, it works and you can make a fair amount of cash from it so long as you do it correctly, and there's a ton of guides. I mention this because people stuck at home could get into it and as long as you're careful (I.E not entering in the wrong numbers) it's risk free AND it pisses off the betting shops. It seems people in comments have had success with it. Disclaimer A couple have complained about gambling. This arguably is not gambling. If you are susceptible to addiction do not do it. However, it's argued that there is no fun or buzz in this, and it's a very tedious and time consuming thing. Others argue you can't make the same money anymore (People were making thousands, now only hundreds if that). It's risk free providing you know what you're doing, the risks are user error, such as entering the wrong numbers. Someone pointed out that due to the lockdown, bets could potentially be cancelled due to sport stopping. So use on a side of caution. We're (mainly) adults so I'll leave it up just because this doesn't have the excitement of regular gambling.
Microsoft Rewards This is an easy way to make pocket change doing very little. Most people have a MS account. The rewards program offers you numerous ways to grab points, by playing free to play games, answering small questions (you don't even need to answer most of the time, just open the link and shut it) and by using bing and searching on it. I've gotten 20k points JUST by answering questions over a couple months. There are many rewards but you can grab a £5 gift card for 6k for example, or a month of game pass (and AFAIK you can make points playing the games)
Google rewards Someone mentioned this in the comments. I have not used it, so can not give any input on it. Sounds similar to TalkInsights which I linked. Google states "Complete short surveys while standing in line, or waiting for a subway. Get rewarded with Google Play or PayPal credit for each one you complete. Topics include everything from opinion polls, to hotel reviews, to merchant satisfaction surveys. We’ll notify you when a survey is waiting."
That's it for now. I will try to update as I go along. A long post but I hope that it can help some of you with finding something good to do that's free, cheap or a bargain. I do suggest getting prime, especially since you get free music, free delivery, free TV and music and free video games each month. In fact, there's a ton of perks and I feel I've gotten way over the cost investment. Hope it helps someone at least PartTimeCrazy said if you bought an Apple product you get 3 free months of Apple Arcade and Apple TV free for a year fakehunted is upset I didn't mention wanking. Tesco have 225 sheets of Tissue for £0.75! tale_lost suggested Project Gutenberg for a collection of free E-Books Learning Language Unfortunately, I don't have time to check every link listed so I will link the comments: TogtogtogGives a lot of links for Spanish
Board & Tabletop games Corporal_Anaesthetic has made a list of Board games ilyemco suggested these HEALTH I'm not a doctor! But if you're a smoker, something I strongly suggest is to quit. I struggled for years but in the first lockdown I quit, technically. I haven't had a cigarette since, however, I do that silly thing millennials do. I vape, but, it made quitting extremely easy. I would not have been able to do it if it wasn't for 88Vape They sell extremely cheap liquids at £1 each. You can find these in B&M but you can pick up 25 for £20 or buy your own mix. Vitamin D deficiency has been said to be a big problem for the virus. I'd suggest (again, not a doctor!) that you pick some up. Tesco do a 3 for 2 deal. So you can pick up 270 tablets for £7. If you are vulnerable you MIGHT be able to phone tesco and get put on their delivery saver list (currently it's paused but phoning may help. At the very least they might give you a priority slot. I did this for my mum, we didn't shop at Tesco but I phoned for her, and they put her on with no hassle, so she can always get a delivery. HELP & ADVICE The lockdown Rules. Reasons to leave home include:
Work or volunteering where it is "unreasonable" to work from home. This includes work in someone else's home, such as that carried out by social workers, nannies, cleaners and tradespeople
Education, training, childcare and medical appointments and emergencies
Exercise outdoors (limited to once a day). This includes meeting one other person from another household in an open public space to exercise
Shopping for essentials such as food and medicine
Communal religious worship
Meeting your support or childcare bubble. Children can also move between separated parents Activities related to moving house
I want to add, if you are in danger you are also allowed (and must!) to get away from the situation for some reason, BBC seems to have missed this very important thing (or I am blind)
FOR THOSE SHIELDING YOU CAN CONTACT THEROYAL VOLUNTARY SERVICE. These people helped my mother with picking up her medicine from the chemist. They were very helpful and went out their way to keep in touch and do it immediately. (It's the only experience I have with them though) _riotingpacifist wanted these links added, but I simply just don't have the time to vet and check all the suggestions here, so I will link as is:
Krita Arguably the best in my opinion. It has a load of options, brushes and a decent UI. It works fantastic with a tablet.
Gimp This is a decent program but last I used, the UI was a pain, and it isn't so user friendly while misses features, but it works, and it is possible to do some incredible creations on it.
Medibang Paint This is slightly geared towards Comics and Manga. I really enjoy using this with my drawing Tablet. As far as I know, it also for regular tablets for Android/Ipad and is free.
You can pick up a drawing tablet on Amazon quite cheap these days! Small ones that are just a black slate such as the wacom ones are good but takes some practice to get use to, but very worth it if you can't afford a dedicated drawing tablet with a screen. Office suit software A couple of free applications for word processing, spreadsheets etc.
LibreOfficeThis has most the average user would need to write their own books or to work from home. There's not a huge amount of difference between the two I'm linking (since I last used anyway) so it's more for preference.
Open Office You can pick this up here and again, like above it's just preference.
Music Making I'm going to direct to matthewharris806 for some links as all the programs I've used like Reason are expensive, or cheaper stuff in bundles such as Magix software. Games development D_Dad_Default gives some links for that here
got asked to make this it’s own post, so i did. For reference, keep in mind I’m 28F (so split between them age wise) and was an athlete in undergrad though not in a sport anyone cared about cause who tf cares about track Friendship break ups are really hard, especially for women in their 20’s. For women, that time period is usually the first times they’re actually enabled to make our own decisions, including through sexual empowerment. Freedom from your parents. Your female friendships are often therapeutic in this setting, as they’re the first people who really “understand” you. ESPECIALLY if you’re at a school with casual hook up culture, female friendships can especially protect you from being drugged while you navigate the novelty of casual sex under various substance influence. At least from the outside perspective, this is how it seems: disclaimer this is psychoanalytical af no I don’t think I’m “definitely” right
Sofia struggled with substance abuse and mental health in relation to work in capitalism and leaving a conservative rural area for a big city/culture shock where she could finally fit outside of the minute role she felt existed for her in her hometown. Just leaving the environment didn’t negate the years of negativity, or feeling like an “outsider” or “bad influence”
Sofia’s substance abuse started young, in childhood, making her particularly vulnerable to being taken advantage of in these contexts later in life. (Or able to disregard healthy behavior because it’s suspicious to you because you grow up thinking and knowing you won’t be accepted and flaunting “healthy” behavior in conservative cultures only shames normal, human reactions. As a woman who is sexually empowered, especially from a young age, there is a strong will to rebel. Or just not care. To then disregard a lot of “rules” because the ones setting them no longer have your respect. Purity culture especially makes women more at risk because sexual freedom is conflated as “high risk” behavior)
Alex came from d1 athlete mentality, which, imo is always a little toxic. You don’t play at those levels or have that drive without taking negative motivating factors and channeling them into fuel on the field.
However, sports psychology is poor. Sports psychology for women even more so. Female sports don’t command money (in part because we engrain that in our culture) For a female athlete in college, you’re raised on a pedestal by other collegiate members (“narps”) Then, you leave college and are pretty much on a level playing field, because that national prestige or ability to remain an athlete and be profitable isnt as realistic or available for women (yet?/it probably shouldn’t be a huge goal to play a game for a living just saying. The other work environments and hours shouldn’t be so shitty that’s the only version of happiness you can imagine but i digress) Alex happened to leave college and be an athlete’s girlfriend. An athlete within baseball, whose wives’ club mentality is one of the most misogynistic (my brother went back to back to back national championship games in baseball in college. The fan base is incredibly white as it relates to America’s pastime and racism). I’ve posted before about the overlaps in barstools culture with this. Alex had fuel coming in from needing to be better than her ex. She has fuel in general, as most athletes do, from needing to be better than XYZ. Track is actually helpful in that regard because it’s always racing against yourself, ultimately. Your own PRs. But for soccer, what happens when you no longer have a field to play on? Who are your new opponents? Where is your team? Sofia and Alex’s friendship came at the cusp of their combined lowest mental points. On a time when they were essentially on their own. They had had to be solo and strong because of their circumstances, mentally and fiscally to an extent (even if they ultimately had parental support or pressure to fall back on). In the process of building CHD, they built each other up, and used their tragedies and lack of caring about other’s mentalities to show it was profitable, smart, and powerful to be a sexually empowered female in a male world. That’s what so many of us wanted. (Literally the Tyra Banks meme “we were all rooting for you!” Comes to mind) especially for collegiate aged women, sexual empowerment and discussion is NEW and still very culturally based. Women can be sexual but only privately versus men can discuss sexual conquests openly and aren’t thought poorly of if it doesn’t work out with a partner. You don’t assume something is “wrong” with them. You don’t remind them “their clock is ticking”. Hypersexuality is part response to purity culture and likely a response to a heavy atmosphere of sexual trauma and being casual towards it is destigmatizing it inwardly. But money corrupts. Power corrupts more so. Combine both with Alex internalizing that the brand that gave her so much power and happiness and joy to work, during a dark period of her life, as a tangible result of how she was better (than her exes, everyone that’s wronged her, etc) as potentially being taken away from her by sofia (in the deal on the rooftop), versus by Dave (who was very manipulative in his “I keep 100% of the IP and all of your stories and all of YOUR content”) and this is where the break down in how they responded comes in:
Alex was in it for the money and recognition. She wanted celebrity status, not as justification for herself, but as justification for the attention from others. She was willing to do whatever she wanted to get that. Hopefully, with time, she’ll have a “moment of recognition” in how her actions were, but as long as she keeps carelessly traveling idgaf (I’m an epidemiologist, I have no sympathy for celebrity status right now. Tbh I don’t listen to CHD but I still follow the subreddit and listen to SWAF)
Can we blame her? Isnt that a facet of current sporting culture? Do you actually expect someone who has grown up in the wings of the public eye, whose parental role models were in sporting culture, to not embrace that spotlight? Particularly when her ex who caused her pain has that spotlight and is somebody’s version of a sex symbol? Why can’t she want it for herself?
but Sofia just wanted validation for HERSELF. As proof that she and who she is as a person was still valuable, that she was still worthy of acknowledgment. That the pain of her substance use and mental health was for a greater purpose. That she could share it and help people, not just profit from them. It’s clear with her guest quality and the work she’s done since going solo.
Maybe Alex also felt pressure in their friendship and business relationship to be Sofia’s healer. To always be the one caring for her, making sure she got home okay, and maybe that was exhausting even if it was a role she enjoyed playing. I often feel like I’m “heavy” for my friends to “put up with” because of my anxiety and PTSD. I don’t like to put pressure on living with them, which reduces my issues, because of this.
Alex ALSO has mental health issues, and the combination of living and working with someone else struggling with something so heavy and not having a medically appropriate background to know how to help was likely incredibly toxic for their friendship. I’m sure it made some great content, but it was clear they didn’t embody or encourage healthy behavior. Their own healing is going to be subjective. It’s not going to coincide. It’s not going to operate on the same scales or in the same direction and they’ll need different things. Such as separation when one person no longer serves you. My therapist reminded me “just because someone was a good friend to you at one point in your life doesn’t mean they still are”
Maybe this is more obvious with knowledge of CHD production behind the scenes. If Alex has constantly been just a figurehead and spoke openly about others stories and content, then to her what she’s doing now is no different. She’s being rewarded by her boss saying “yes keep acting this way. Money is flowing in. Do whatever you want.” So why would she stop? That’s who is paying her bills. That’s who ultimately gave her the “freedom” and show that she wanted to just be herself
To her, it’s the same thing. Especially if she had frequent ghost writers. It was never her content to begin with. Which, ultimately, makes her just a sex symbol for a male dominated gaze who may very well be financially compensated adequately (NOW) but is ultimately manipulated for the entertainment of others. If that’s your whole life, and what you’ve always done... who are you? Like with child stars or actors in general, you feed off energy i imagine. Extroverted people are almost more vulnerable to social coercion than others. To me, this enables them to be more susceptible to thriving off external validation and avoid the reality of who they are and that they don’t like themselves internally/struggle with who they are as a person (or just don’t know who they are without XYZ existing. If you’ve always been in sports, especially one single sport, your identity is tied to that. You don’t have the time or energy to question who you are. It takes years after graduating or being removed from that atmosphere to do so.) Alex now has money, time, and comes from rich white privilege. She likely will never have people who tell her it’s okay to struggle, because it seems like her family and general friend group is the “everything is fine. Here’s some money. Look! You can travel. You turned out okay” I’m sure she’ll have a time period later in life where she has this recognition. However, the CHD brand was built around the symbolism of a female friendship. Of female empowerment in a patriarchal world. The sexual empowerment worked because, at the end of the day, you had this community of people who understood you were just trying to figure out yourself and willing to laugh with you at your negativity. Not laughing at you. A community of people who were able to embrace, applaud, and financially reward you for sexual prowess when you’ve been told to dim it your entire life “to be taken seriously”. A community who LIKED the self deprecation because it was RELATABLE because we likely ALL have or know someone with sexual trauma related to drinking/college culture and dating is hard and flaunted like you’re always supposed to be in a relationship, especially if you’re attractive 🙄 Abiding to the influencer brand of how CHD has gone since “the break up” and how Alex has people like Tana—who exploit their childhood abuse, not so they can learn how to be healthier and live happier lifestyles or draw attention to substance abuse, but so they can continue to party in LA with idiotic “celebs” whose only contribution to the community positively is through money. Who go riot malls for YouTube material. Who are stuck in their own cycles of abuse and unhealthy behavior but vlog about the glamour and think “talking about it” is the same thing as “healing” because they won’t go to actual therapy even though they can afford it now. Who don’t realize they’re desensitizing themselves to the trauma by letting random men they barely know choke them out versus addressing how fucked up it was that they were raped as a child, or that their parents couldn’t protect them, or that they needed validation or father figures and only got it from their peers and just wanted an escape from reality and now need one ALL THE TIME. Who dont realize those people they think embrace them won’t embrace them when they’re sober and actually healthy, because it reminds them of how they’re not. But it’s scary to recognize that and you internalize it as not being loveable versus being brought up in unhealthy environments and not knowing better. Maybe with time, Alex will look back and realize the strength of female friendships lies in being there for each other in darkest times because humanity definitely doesn’t have your back. In the USA, 1 in 5 women are or will be attempted to be raped in their lifetime, over 80% have been sexually harassed. And yet, prostitution is not legal. Birth control is not freely accessible. Universal healthcare and comprehensive sexual education is not nationally mandated so a lot of people may never realize just how fucked up their circumstances are. Education is often unaffordable and inaccessible for those who most need it. Sexual harassment is so normalized that we voted in a president despite him being a rapist pedophile. And 55% of white women tried to vote him in again. The visual leader of the Barstool brand endorsed him openly. Sofia wanting to distance herself from a brand and drinking culture, at a company currently breaking into alcohol and gambling exploitation, on the basis that the majority of their fan base may not have done it otherwise, but will because they now have access to it (like with how Juuls target teenagers with flavoring and people who wouldn’t have normally smoked have nicotine addictions now) as well as FINALLY being paid adequately, YET was labeled as “greedy” mainly because Alex stayed instead of trusting Sofia and sticking with her. We normalize competition in the sense that most people are competing for just the right to live, for acknowledgment that the things they went through matters. It’s why working classes are currently pitted against each other and conservative Republicans think progressive policies are sure to doom the USA because Fox News says so. So instead of making our citizens stronger overall, we keep half of them convinced that healthcare should be debated, an educated population isnt good on a global scale, and that change ISNT possible even though societies are supposed to adapt that’s literally how progress works. We have research that shows us why we should do it and instead capitalism made education so elite that we distrust intelligence or condemn it as “liberal education”. So do I blame Alex for her inability to recognize that when she thought she was going to lose the brand that made that feasible for her? Maybe not. Do I think Sofia got fucked mentally, friendship-wise, and culturally and Alex enabled and fed into it? Absolutely. Even if CHD was always the “Mean Girls” mentality and didn’t ever really offer advice, Alex embodied “Regina George” and Sofia was “Cady Heron” in its time. Good female friendships are awesome, and hard to come by in a world that makes it so and makes you convinced you have to somehow compete for these men when the bar is on the actual ground for chivalry and women just want men who won’t scream or yell at them, will communicate, and will explore sexually in the bedroom without stigmatizing them or making them feel bad for their bodies. Shout out to anyone who read my dissertation. I’ve been in quarantine on a farm working remote contracts for almost a year now. I’ve also watched a lot of LOTR in the past week and barstool and Dave is going a very “Sauron” way and Alex embodies “saruman” vibes to me, for another allusion.
I don't really know how to start this out so I will just go ahead. Some of the older members might still remember me, but probably most of you won't since I haven't posted in this sub in literally ages, so I will just start to get my message across. As you can probably tell I am quitting this game for good after months of inactivity in NxB and on this sub, and I want to reason why and maybe motivate some of you that are struggling to do the same. I started this game in January of 2018 and I never really had to regret it because I loved Naruto and the game gave me the opportunity to play my favorite characters and it was so much fun, because even though there were definitely Meta cards and characters, basically every character had a use and it was actually a well balanced game. However since approximately when Kankuro released the game started getting extremely Meta based and in retrospective, I feel like I started to play the Game for meta characters, and not for my love of Naruto characters, which is when it all started to go downhill. I don't know if you noticed, but Bandai will at one point shut down the servers of this game, and everything you did will be for nothing. This alone is of course not a reason to discard a game you like, but there is more to it. With time, the game became Increasingly pay to win. Obviously, P2W players always had an advantage over f2p but you could still easily compete by grinding. If you look at the game now however, you have 0 chance against an ultra whale like the arrogance himself, Shikamaru Hokage, because there is just nothing you can do. I, who spent pretty much exactly 1900 euros on this game over the time stand absolutely no chance against this guy because of Bandai's power creep. Now look at this number, you could do SO MUCH more with money like that, especially since I suppose most of us are around the age of 18 - 21 and it is just an absolute waste of money, solely for the ability to compete in a mobile game. Did that stop me from buying packages? Of course not. I bought and bought and bought because, as I mentioned, I just absolutely had to be able to compete because I was now playing the game for meta characters and not for my love for Naruto. It was an absolutely toxic relationship, especially for my money an in some ways even for my mental health. I urge all of you who have a problem with buying too much packages to seek help if you cant mange on your own, gambling addiction is a serious health issue that can ruin your life and arguably even the lives of the ones you hold most dear if you have a family to take care of. With all of this I wish you all goodbye, and take care during the current pandemic
Disclaimer I am posting this here because I got a message from the mods asking me to. I'm not from London so links aren't London centric (but hopefully still of help) and the main post is here so any updates will likely be there (I will try here but it's hard to keep up with the amount of suggestions) Thanks. Yes, it's hard, it sucks, it's depressing. It is something we all have to do if you want to see this virus go. Everyone knows the deal, too many think they're the exception but no one is. However, staying home is hard so maybe I can help at least one or two people with some incentives. I'll try to give links to some things that can help cure the boredom, and some support if you need it. Most of this might be obvious to some, some might not even have internet and of course, money is a big issue, so I'll try to give some suggestions: For streaming and on demand things such as Netflix et al, don't forget you can subscribe for free for your first month. This goes for most things in the list. If you are worried about putting in your payment details and forgetting to cancel a month later, don't worry! You can sign up and immediately cancel and you still get your free month! For people who don't have a smart TV, you can buy a cheap Amazon Fire TV stick or a Roku box. The Fire stick can go as low as £20 often for 1080p. It will drop to £30 for 4k. I picked up a 4k Roku device for £18 on Amazon once. It's fast and snappy. currently it's going for £33 for the 4k version. Having both, there is little difference between the devices. NowTV also do their own roku powered device. Subscription based streaming sites that all offer 2-4 weeks free for first timers
Netflix *According to comments the second month is free.
Amazon Prime You can either get Amazon video on its own, or take prime with other benefits. I strongly urge those who use Amazon for buying off their store front to use [https://smile.amazon.co.uk/] as there is literally no difference except everything you buy amazon donates to a charity of your choice.
Amazon channels. I believe you can get all these individually but Amazon offers them as channels bound to your prime account, and they are again either free for a couple weeks (again, take them, cancel instantly) or very cheap. I recently subscribed to Starzplay for £1 for 3 months. It has some good shows on it like Fringe, doom patrol. It also has channels like Curiosity stream and shudder
If you have not subscribed to the any of the above, you can get a few months of free TV by signing up and cancelling instantly. I suggest waiting at least 5 minutes just to let it go through the system. Some tips for Now TV. IF you already have a subscription, I've noticed you can get it cheaper by cancelling. When you cancel they will beg you to stay. Select "I can not afford it this month" and they should beg again, telling you what shows they have. If you say you still want to cancel, they'll beg one last time and offer you the subscription for cheaper. This won't work every month, but I've noticed they'll always offer it the first time, then again after a couple months. If you're subscribed to both films and entertainment do the most expensive one as it may not work both times (but it might!). You can also pick up passes from storefronts a lot cheaper sometimes, before I could pick one up on Amazon for £3 but, they seem to have cracked down on it. If you shop around (or if anyone knows of a legitimate store please let me know) you might be able to pick it up cheaper. Lastly, check their website and under your account they should have an "offers for you" section. Completely free TV
If you do have a smart TV and/or device, there are some good free streaming apps. One I really love is called PlutoTV. I know this is on both Roku and the fire stick, as well as Ps4/Ps5 and xbox. Pluto offers a bunch of live channels and now an on demand section, all for free. It has adverts but they are actually short (shorter than regular TV and fewer of them). Some of the channels are just streaming certain shows like Mythbusters 24/7 or Dog the bounty hunter, but it has a lot of old movie channels as well as 24/7 kickboxing and MMA. It also has a 24/7 poker channel I quite like. Another one I like is Rakuten Viki however, I haven't watched it for a while as my fire stick is only 1080p and I have too many other devices attached. I believe it is on Roku but you have to jump through some hoops and have an account. The last I checked on the fire stick you did not. Viki offers a metric ton of Asian shows, mainly from Japan and South Korea but it does have chinese, Malaysian etc. It has subtitles. Some Japanese shows are hysterical, albeit weird. Roku also do their own channels with free shows if you own a device. For those who don't have a smart TV or a Streaming device, you can set up your own computer as a dedicated streaming device with Plex. It's been a while since I used it but I believe it now also offers free movies and TV. Anime If you are into Anime there is
The first 2 are free to watch, or offer premium without ads which you can have a trial with. Crunchyroll is the better of the two with more original choice for Japanese voice and subs, while Funimation has more Dubs. I don't believe HiDive is free to watch but you do get a 2 week trial. These are more exclusives than the previous two. PC Centric software If you are a gamer or like Audiobooks or anything that uses computers for things like music making, programming or graphic design
Humble Bundle offers, as per the name, bundles. A long running site that got bought out by IGN. It offers both single items and bundles you can buy individually/as a pack while also offering a separate monthly subscription for around £8-9. The subscription gives you 12 games on average per month. That's the simplest explanation but it changes somewhat as sometimes you get to pick 10 out of 14 games, or get all 12. Humble bundle offers more than just games though. Every Tuesday they bring a new bundle of games, while Thursday (I "think) a new bundle of books. They very often have books from the Black Library giving you a ton of Warhammer books. Sometimes it's standard E-books, other times it's audiobooks. A few times a year they do bundles for graphic design, a typical bundle would include programs like Paintshop Pro Corel Painter etc, They usually go for £0.76 for tier 1 up to around £18 for tier 3, which would include 4-6 full titles with 10+ addons. They also often have Music making bundles or video editing software as well as Programming or video game development. The bundles change often, they usually have around 11 bundles at a time that last for 20 days. Sometimes it's trash but they do often have some very good deals. Fanatical offers the same as humble bundle except usually not as high quality, but sometimes they do have some incredible deals, and they are very very cheap. Both humble and fanatical are safe, trusted and been around a long time, and they are NOT grey market key sites. They work with the publishers and developers. You can buy games both old and new for a lot cheaper than you would most other places. Unless it states otherwise, keys are usually for steam. **BOTH HB and Fanatical (HB much more common) offer free games fairly often. The catch is linking your steam account to them (at least HB). It is safe however. IndieGala is another site like above. Except, these are much much lower quality. However, they offer a metric ton of free games. Quality is low but it is legitimate, and a lot of free stuff. Game Store Fronts
Steam This one is so obvious I didn't add it, but apparently many want me to. It is the best out there, and you can find almost everything, with fantastic deals.
Greenmangaming offers games cheaply. Again, not a grey market site (which are legal but unethical) and they sometimes do bundles.
GoG (Good old games) is a DRM free site run by CDPR, the makers of the Witcher 3 and Cyberpunk. They offer you games quite cheap and not needing DRM (such as Steam, Uplay etc which is less invasive versions of dodgy DRM from the olden days).
Epic Games Despite the controversy whether you care about their rivalry with valve, they offer free games ever week. Without ever having bought anything I have gained over 170 games. literally. Good games for the most part. They often give you £10 coupons as well.
Twitch Everyone knows twitch, but if you don't, it's a streaming service for watching gamers and girls with low cut tops accidentally bending over in front of the game. However, if you're signed up to prime, you get free games each month (and randomly between the set bunch).
Playstation Store Currently has January sales. Currently the free games for PS+ are for PS4: Shadow of the Tomb Raider and Greedfall. For the Ps5 it is Maneater
Games with GoldBleed 2 and the King of Fighters XIII is available until Janurary 15th whilst little Nightmares is available until January 31st.
Gaming Subscriptions Like the TV versions, you can sign up to these for a free trial (or very cheap). If you do sign up to only one at a time, it should keep you busy for a few months
Xbox Game Pass You can do this on both/either an Xbox or PC. If you sign up to the regular one, you can get a month (maybe three!) for £1. After you have done that, you can sign up to the premium version for 3 months at £1 a month. Most people know game pass, but you can download a large selection of games for free. The premium version gives you games with gold, allowing you to keep the games forever (but can only play with a subscription)
Ubisoft+ I'm not 100% sure if you get a trial or not. This allows a large collection of Ubisoft titles to play for £12.99 a month. Quite expensive but good if you like Ubisoft titles I guess.
EA Play EA's version. Goes by a ton of names I think, EA Access, EA Play, Origin Access etc etc. There's a couple of versions of this, and it is across all platforms (PS4/5, Xbox, PC) but not sure about the switch. I "think" the premium allows you to play on all platforms, while the cheaper one on a single platform, but I may be mistaken.
PS Now a once terrible service that is now actually very good. Allows you to download some Ps4 games to your PS4/5 and lets you stream a massive amount of Ps2/3/4 to your PC or playstation.
There's more like nvidia's service but you need the Shield device which is quite expensive. I'll leave it at that. Audiobooks & Ebooks
Audible Not sure what the current deal is but if you are a prime member you can sign up for a trial and get a free Audiobook each month for 3 months. Some warhammer books are 48 hours long, 3 of those gives you a good 100+ hours of listening!
Comixology Another Amazon company, but lets you download some free comics I believe.
Sign LanguageBSL here No experience myself, suggested by n21brown and asked for a few times. Didn't know SL was so popular! Listed as "Pay what you can"
BBC's Bitesizehere is apparently good for home learning. Again, no personal experience.
If you need some spare change Okay, I don't generally bother with it, but maybe some of this could be useful to you. These are NOT a quick way to make a fortune. These are small things you can do over time for a bit of pocket change
If you have prime you can get a FREE FIVE POUND GIFT CARD by literally just streaming a song from Amazon music (which is included in prime) here is the detailsAccording to the comments it's only for select people, but it's worth trying If the link doesn't work for you just google "Amazon £5 coupon music"
Now, these sorts of sites have been around for years, I haven't used any other than talkInsights which I must have signed up to 10-15 years ago. Basically they send you surveys and you answer them. They are confidential and don't ask for personal details in the survey. You need 2000 points and you get £20. During the pandemic they've slowed down but I probably get around £40 a year. Not much I know, but it's an email followed by a quick survey ticking boxes. Depending on your answer sometimes you get screened out, I'm not telling you to lie but just be consistent with your answers and you should be able to work out how to not get screened. Some emails are only worth 20 points, others 200. It's slow to get to the 2000 but very quick to just answer a few questions.
Apparently beermoneyuk is a good sub to make some pocket change with.
There is also matched betting. I have never done this, I don't have the patience but from what I've read, it's legitimate, it works and you can make a fair amount of cash from it so long as you do it correctly, and there's a ton of guides. I mention this because people stuck at home could get into it and as long as you're careful (I.E not entering in the wrong numbers) it's risk free AND it pisses off the betting shops. It seems people in comments have had success with it. Disclaimer A couple have complained about gambling. This arguably is not gambling. If you are susceptible to addiction do not do it. However, it's argued that there is no fun or buzz in this, and it's a very tedious and time consuming thing. Others argue you can't make the same money anymore (People were making thousands, now only hundreds if that). It's risk free providing you know what you're doing, the risks are user error, such as entering the wrong numbers. Someone pointed out that due to the lockdown, bets could potentially be cancelled due to sport stopping. So use on a side of caution. We're (mainly) adults so I'll leave it up just because this doesn't have the excitement of regular gambling.
Microsoft Rewards This is an easy way to make pocket change doing very little. Most people have a MS account. The rewards program offers you numerous ways to grab points, by playing free to play games, answering small questions (you don't even need to answer most of the time, just open the link and shut it) and by using bing and searching on it. I've gotten 20k points JUST by answering questions over a couple months. There are many rewards but you can grab a £5 gift card for 6k for example, or a month of game pass (and AFAIK you can make points playing the games)
Google rewards Someone mentioned this in the comments. I have not used it, so can not give any input on it. Sounds similar to TalkInsights which I linked. Google states "Complete short surveys while standing in line, or waiting for a subway. Get rewarded with Google Play or PayPal credit for each one you complete. Topics include everything from opinion polls, to hotel reviews, to merchant satisfaction surveys. We’ll notify you when a survey is waiting."
That's it for now. I will try to update as I go along. A long post but I hope that it can help some of you with finding something good to do that's free, cheap or a bargain. I do suggest getting prime, especially since you get free music, free delivery, free TV and music and free video games each month. In fact, there's a ton of perks and I feel I've gotten way over the cost investment. Hope it helps someone at least PartTimeCrazy said if you bought an Apple product you get 3 free months of Apple Arcade and Apple TV free for a year fakehunted is upset I didn't mention wanking. Tesco have 225 sheets of Tissue for £0.75! tale_lost suggested Project Gutenberg for a collection of free E-Books Learning Language Unfortunately, I don't have time to check every link listed so I will link the comments: TogtogtogGives a lot of links for Spanish
Board & Tabletop games Corporal_Anaesthetic has made a list of Board games ilyemco suggested these HEALTH I'm not a doctor! But if you're a smoker, something I strongly suggest is to quit. I struggled for years but in the first lockdown I quit, technically. I haven't had a cigarette since, however, I do that silly thing millennials do. I vape, but, it made quitting extremely easy. I would not have been able to do it if it wasn't for 88Vape They sell extremely cheap liquids at £1 each. You can find these in B&M but you can pick up 25 for £20 or buy your own mix. Vitamin D deficiency has been said to be a big problem for the virus. I'd suggest (again, not a doctor!) that you pick some up. Tesco do a 3 for 2 deal. So you can pick up 270 tablets for £7. If you are vulnerable you MIGHT be able to phone tesco and get put on their delivery saver list (currently it's paused but phoning may help. At the very least they might give you a priority slot. I did this for my mum, we didn't shop at Tesco but I phoned for her, and they put her on with no hassle, so she can always get a delivery. HELP & ADVICE The lockdown Rules. Reasons to leave home include:
Work or volunteering where it is "unreasonable" to work from home. This includes work in someone else's home, such as that carried out by social workers, nannies, cleaners and tradespeople
Education, training, childcare and medical appointments and emergencies
Exercise outdoors (limited to once a day). This includes meeting one other person from another household in an open public space to exercise
Shopping for essentials such as food and medicine
Communal religious worship
Meeting your support or childcare bubble. Children can also move between separated parents Activities related to moving house
I want to add, if you are in danger you are also allowed (and must!) to get away from the situation for some reason, BBC seems to have missed this very important thing (or I am blind)
FOR THOSE SHIELDING YOU CAN CONTACT THEROYAL VOLUNTARY SERVICE. These people helped my mother with picking up her medicine from the chemist. They were very helpful and went out their way to keep in touch and do it immediately. (It's the only experience I have with them though) _riotingpacifist wanted this links added, but I simply just don't have the time to vet and check all the suggestions here, so I will link as is:
Krita Arguably the best in my opinion. It has a load of options, brushes and a decent UI. It works fantastic with a tablet.
Gimp This is a decent program but last I used, the UI was a pain, and it isn't so user friendly while misses features, but it works, and it is possible to do some incredible creations on it.
Medibang Paint This is slightly geared towards Comics and Manga. I really enjoy using this with my drawing Tablet. As far as I know, it also for regular tablets for Android/Ipad and is free.
You can pick up a drawing tablet on Amazon quite cheap these days! Small ones that are just a black slate such as the wacom ones are good but takes some practice to get use to, but very worth it if you can't afford a dedicated drawing tablet with a screen. Office suit software A couple of free applications for word processing, spreadsheets etc.
LibreOfficeThis has most the average user would need to write their own books or to work from home. There's not a huge amount of difference between the two I'm linking (since I last used anyway) so it's more for preference.
Open Office You can pick this up here and again, like above it's just preference.
Music Making I'm going to direct to matthewharris806 for some links as all the programs I've used like Reason are expensive, or cheaper stuff in bundles such as Magix software. Games development D_Dad_Default gives some links for that here
My sister dumped me last night - they never take my side. Fully estranged.
Last night, I (f30) got the text from my little sister (f22) who I was still speaking to which explained that she was done speaking to me. That she was siding with our mom and our other sister (f25). It really sucks. My mom grew up under extreme abuse - she was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. She lived in poverty and starved. They moved around a lot so she never got to settle in. So guess what! When it came time to be a parent and raise me, she was wildly unequipped. She psychologically abused and terrorized me growing up. I believe that my mom has BPD based on her behaviors but she has never been diagnosed as such. I could tell you many things about her. She is a gambling addict who earns 6 figures but will often cry that she doesn't have enough money to pay for gas to drive to work. She is always in a lot of unspecified debt. I have a different dad from my sisters who saved his social security checks when I was growing up into a college fund for me. My mom and he divorced when I was very young. As a teen, when my mom felt too much pressure from her debts, she would scream and cry at me, "I am going to go out and drive my car into the ocean!! You sit on your golden gilded fucking nest egg and you refuse to help your mother!!" ...all because I wouldn't convince my dad to turn over my entire college savings account so she could blow it on her debt (and then immediately accrue new debt as she always does). That's just one aspect of her personality. Another is constantly stomping on boundaries and then shitting on me when I tell her to stop. "You have a very real problem with BOUNDARIES," she will text me, then tell me that when I tell her no and ask her to stop behaviors that are upsetting, that she gets suicidal ideation. Makes me out to be the bad guy. My mom always suggested to me that I get a certain kind of ground cover for my back yard. I think the suggestion she made is ugly and have told her no many times and have told her to stop talking about it. But she is the kind of person who - if I hadn't made some extremely hard boundaries - she would have already gone and snuck into my back yard and planted whatever she wanted in there and then gotten angry at me when I wasn't pleased about the "favor" she had done. Okay? Like, I have tried for my entire 20s to have a relationship with her that preserved my mental health and I found that I could not have it no matter what, so I decided to go NC. I fucking TRIED!!!! I had her walk me down the aisle at my wedding in 2019 in place of my dad who died, okay? I fucking tried!!! And then comes my sister Liz yesterday. We have had our own shitty relationship and decided to try to get along because our sister Rachel betrayed both of us last year over relatively simple disagreements and started telling vicious lies about our homes and our partners. Rachel did some extremely bewildering and potentially dangerous lying which could have had police sent to mine and Liz's houses last year. Rachel lived with me first, betrayed me and moved in with Liz (who took Rachel's side and didn't believe me!). Then - only after Rachel betrayed and lied about Liz to everyone in the same way - Liz came crying to me and apologizing for not listening and taking the wrong side. The lies Rachel told were not trivial I am no fool - I haven't spoken to Rachel since she did that. But apparently now Liz and Rachel have made up. Liz has taken mom's side. And she sent me a text where she chastised me for not being understanding of everyone's mental health issues and for not having an, "open, honest, and candid" relationship with all of them. Puh-LEASE!! What about my mental health issues? What about how just because someone has mental health issues doesn't mean you should tolerate abuse from them? What about all my efforts to include and care for everyone? Also of note in her message, she said she loved our mom and sister twice. But she never said she loves me in these parting words. Not even to say goodbye. So I feel pretty sad, like a giant stone is inside my chest. They can all have each other and stew in their intergenerational trauma. I am getting the fuck out. I really hope this message from my sister means they have all sided against me and cut me out and made me the bad guy - because maybe then they will fuck off and leave me alone!! It still sucks. Thanks for listening.
Hey guys, it’s Coooolin!! How was everyone’s Throwback Thursday!? Gooodd ? Baaddd? Whaaat?! Lemme knooww, downn beloow! .... wait before going further, did you read this ? It’s for you! Here’s the new cards for today, Thanks EA!
Silver Master Icons
(All cards have +2 their Syns, i.e., DIS2) .. not home, and busy! will update! Bobby Clarke - 91 OVR - PHI / C - HOW2 , SWA2 Jacques Plante - 91 OVR - MTL / G - BAL2 , DIS2 Terry Sawchuk - 91 OVR - DET / G - BAR2 , H and S2 Needs 9 Collects to upgrade each —-
Montreal vs Toronto
Toronto Dave Keon - 88 OVR - TOR / C - SPA1 , SPE1 Tim Horton - 87 OVR - TOR / RD - SPA1 , SPE1 Bob Baub - 86 OVR - TOR / RD - SPA1 , SPE1 Montreal Steve Shutt - 88 OVR - MTL / LW - DIS1 , HOW1 Serge Savard - 87 OVR - MTL / LD - DIS1 , HOW1 Bob Gainey - 86 OVR - MTL / LW - DIS1 , HOW1
23 H / 40M • Mega Players Pack - 50k C / 1k P 30 items , all Gold Players , with at least 5 80+ OVR Players • NHL Players Pack - 30k C / 600 P 10 items, all Gold NHL players with at least 4 80+ OVR Players • Jumbo Premium Pack - 15k C / 300 P 20 items , at least 9 players with at least 4 Gold Players
P.S.
• Squad Battles Rewards - 5pm EST (Today) • New Game Modes of HUT RUSH - 5pm EST (Today) • Silver Upgrades for Sawchuk , Plante , and Clarke
• More Event Cards - Tomorrow at 5pm EST • Weekend! —————
Summary of the day
Quick Read Best Forward of the Day - PT - is DAVIIDD PASTRNAAK OVR 93 with the syn PASSINN PLAYMAKERRR and MAGIICIIAN Best Defence of the Day - PT - is RYYANN MCDONAUUGH OVR 87 with the syn LIIGHTT THE LAAMPP and WIINGMAANN ——- —— ——- • Squad Battles Rewards • New Season of HUT RUSH • Silver Upgrades for Plante , Sawchuk , and Clarke ———— —— ———
Important Notice
Dear haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at. Just be patient. Behind someone successful, always lies a pack of haters behind. Because lets face it — if you can’t handle being talked about... you’re not ready for success. Success comes in a variety of things; little and big. Everyone wants to be “successful” in life... but what they really don’t know? They already are. They’re waking up every single day, battling life as it comes to them; problems, situations, decisions, sickness, and just doing their best at life... and thats really all that matters? You’re waking up every day - if you’re blessed with it - doing little things during the day, or having a relaxful “nothing” day.... and that? That is successful, too. Reward yourself every so often. Don’t be scared to take a few days off work - you’re doing yourself a favour by making your mental and physical health better for a day... regaining all that strength, and just having a relaxing, stress free day... and we all deserve those every once in a while. So if you’re feeling anxious, and down, and not wanting to go to work? Don’t feel bad to call in.... everyone needs “those days” to get onto a better day!
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EA’s Stock Price, after hours - Feb 4 $ 138.63 (usd) —- Currency Converter we looked at the stock at $137.54 usd —— That is a difference of ( $1.09 / 0.79% ) — Disclaimer - I am not a financial advisor. It is your money, please do your own due diligence. I am not responsible for your money. This is *not** advice. I added this section for an added educational purposes only. Thanks* —— —— —— —-
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I made this for everyone. I’ll update it whenever I feel like it, but its been often!
WHO LIKES LISTENING TO MUSIC? How are you not listening to this playlist already!? Comment songs to add, and please give feedback! It’s much appreciated!! I currently have “Crazy Train” by “Ozzy Osbourne” stuck in my head.... which you can play, recently added to the playlist! Sidenote - How do you guys like the playlist!? I have a friend who makes music...and I really want to surprise him with some new people listening to his music... if you wanna help me, please click Here!! it would mean a lot to me!! ———-
Sites To Bookmark!
If you click here you will be redirected to bilasport. Bilasport is the best Online Streaming site for your entertainment needs for all sports! (Not affiliated) A great streaming source recommended by NHLStreams is SurgeSport. Click on Hockey and you’ll be good to go! Want to make your dream team, and show others what you’ve been working on, and much more? I will redirect you HERE!. Here’s a helpful pack guide for you! Click! Want to know how the market is holding up? With a simple TAP! you will be on the newly fresh made website for the HUT market, made by one of the guys on the sub! .... what do the stats on a card mean? Is my card I want / pulled good? Click here to find out!! When is my favourite team playing? When do they play!? Here you can click on this link, and tap on your favourite team. From there, tap “Schedule” . You can add this to your homescreen on iPhone by clicking the square with the upwards arrow, scrolling down, and tapping “Add to Home Screen” ——- —— —— —— —— —— —— —— —- —— —-
Fighting a Gambling Addiction?
Don’t feel scared to click here. Winning is SO much louder than losing. Know that you are NEVER alone. We are all here for eachother, and it is never too late to get help. I am here for you. This is a VERY important thread, especially if you are new to HUT. Here!
Colin’s Thoughts
Recently I’ve been writing a whole bunch of poems, and just writing stuff down. If anyone’s curious to read any of em, or wants me to post em next time in a daily content, let me know please! :) Thanks! ——- 35 / 365 —— —— —— —- —- ——- —- —— —— Thanks for reading. I’m always welcome to feedback, please let me know what I can improve on. If there’s anything missing, please let me know! Take care, happy gaming! TODAY IS NATIONAL GIRLS and WOMEN IN SPORTS DAY • Coolin Killin It (Life is like a puzzle, you just have to find the right piece.)
What is addiction? Is it a disease? If so, are we experiencing a pathological disease process when we become “addicted” to the naturally-rewarding endorphin release that comes with exercise? Are our addictions to the internet and coffee attributable to a ‘disease’ process too, or are those just habits, despite one (caffeine) having a basis on an actual, physical, chemical dependency? When does a habit become an addiction — or an addiction become a disease — and how, exactly? Do various chemicals and drugs, themselves, cause a disease process in only THOSE specific addictions? Is gambling addiction a disease, even though there are no drugs involved? Does that make it a disorder as opposed to a disease? What’s the difference? Habit, addiction, disorder, disease — what do each of these words mean, and, more importantly, what do they look like in the brain? As a result of the ongoing global pandemic, rates of alcohol and drug use, both pharmaceutical and otherwise, are skyrocketing, along with obesity. Against a backdrop of stress, fear, isolation, and actual or potential economic scarcity, more and more of us are developing maladaptive coping mechanisms like binge eating, binge drinking, and compulsive use of technology — even when we know that these actions will have adverse effects on our physical and mental health. On top of these issues, many of us are succumbing to the depression and anxiety that so commonly co-occur with addictive disorders, and we might find that our bad habits accelerate and gain strength as our mental health deteriorates. Why is this so? What are the TRUE neural underpinnings of these experiences, divorced from any bought-and-sold biases? How can we use this knowledge to strengthen us? It has never been more important for all of us to come to a collective understanding of exactly what addiction is, what is isn’t, how it happens, how we free ourselves from it, and how we can avoid it in the future or use our natural addictive tendencies to our advantage. Addiction exacts an almost incalculably high financial and human toll on us here in the United States, as the total economic cost to society is greater than all types of diabetes and all cancers combined. That’s a lot. As our life situations complicate and our problems are exacerbated, we might feel that our survivability is at risk. The rampant stressors of 2020 have triggered emotions that are primordial valuation signals. Emotions are e-motive; they come from a Latin root that means ‘causing movement’. Our emotions are motivational. Emotions are evolutionary signals that are designed by nature to get us to assess how we fare on the daily road of survival and moderate our behavior accordingly. Fear is a primal emotion that is designed to get us to do something, NOW — but what can we really do right now? As a result of evolution, we mammals are subconsciously wired on an extremely basic level to avoid the negative emotional stressors that often led to pain and death in our ancestors and seek the comforts and pleasures we intrinsically associate with survival. As a result of these ancient emotional valuation systems, stressors are a known trigger for comfort-seeking behavior. Hence, we are all at greater risk of falling into the kinds of impulsive, ritualized, and isolated routines of comfort-seeking despite negative consequences that define addictive disorders — which includes the binge eating that often leads to obesity, as Nora Volkow, the director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, has so beautifully illustrated with her work. check out the article, what do you guys think about addiction?
Hello all I am here asking for insight on what to do as every situation is unique and there definitely isn't a one size fits all solution. First some background. I am usually a pretty level headed person, but keep in mind this is from my point of view. I am 41yr. I am the bio - father of four children and step father to one. The ages are 25m (stepson) 18f(daughter) 15f(daughter) 7f(daughter) 5m(son). My older two daughters I have primary custody of them since 07. Their mother has been absent for a portion of their lives. My oldest daughter is on the spectrum and I have been to every doc, psych, therapy, IEP appointment for her. Youngest daughter her mother and I have joint custody. I found there was a level of abuse being done to my oldest daughter from my youngest daughter's mother. Once i found out i made the decision to have us split. Due to my youngest being an infant the courts sided with her to have custody. I see her every other weekend. My youngest relationship with me hasn't taken a hit. When she is here we make it about having fun and not being negative. I have since remarried and we had a son who is the sweetest soul that i have ever know. He has all the best parts of me. I already know he is smarter than i am. My wife(44y) older son(my stepson) i feel has been taking advantage of her. He can't hold a job, claims he has mental health issues, has a gambling addiction, doesn't contribute to the house expenses, and blames everyone else for his problems. When I have tried to talk to her about him she immediately denies and deflects. she takes out her frustrations with him on me and my daughters. When she deflects she starts blaming my daughters for causing the rifts. I know and agree sometimes my daughters can be a handful, but i can also separate fact from opinion. I have also stated to my wife that it isn't what you are saying about them that isn't true or not. it is how you go about it. Then she throws in my face how my daughters dont have a proper mother or how much money i don't make. I am at my wits end and would like some guidance.
**TL;DR;** : Myself (41 M), Wife (44 F), Stepson (25 M), Oldest Daughter (18 F), Middle Daughter (15 F), Youngest Daughter (7 F), Youngest Son (5 M)
*ESSAY* My story of successfully living as a hetero man with AGP
Disclaimer: Before we begin, let's establish some boundaries: I'm not able to speak for every person with AGP. I haven't been conducting in-depth studies for years on thousands of patients. All I can tell you is my story, and my observations in my life. I've been commenting on others' posts with little tidbits and excerpts from my life and my stances, but I've now received several private messages asking for more info - one person in particular asked for me to write out my "full story" more or less...so perhaps this is more effective, to have it all in one place. There are many examples of "successful" trans stories, and tragic tales of de-transitioning, yet we don't see or hear much about AGP men leading a happy, successful life into middle-to-old age...which I think is mostly self-evident: if you happily manage it, you aren't likely to want to bring up old memories again in some reddit post. However, after so many years of not having anyone to understand me, I am enjoying wading in these waters, and absolutely feel it as my duty to share my story of success. One more time for emphasis: AGP seems to affect people very similarly in some ways, and very different in others. Someone who was molested is likely to have a harsher trauma than someone who was told they looked like a girl one time - but it's actually not certain. We have SUCH limited data and awareness as a society on this thing, that it's almost all anecdotal other than a handful of doctors/authors. And while I write this to give hope to many, I understand that an 18 year old who already knows they have AGP has a way better chance of breaking habits as opposed to a 48 year old who's been indulging them since puberty. That said, perhaps the 48 year old has more willpower than the 18 year old! Point being, my story will explain what's worked for me. Perhaps it could work for you as well, or perhaps you actually want to feed into the AGP. This got very long.I've divided it up into 3 parts:
Early life + teen years. This is the longest due to the importance of formative years + the relevance to a lot of young guys reading this. Writing about these parts was like looking into a different world, so guys, please have patience with your developing mind.
College years up until discovering "AGP" as a concept at 27. This is the shortest section, due to its relatively static nature.
27 "the year of destiny"-present. This is also long because I begin with my discovery of AGP, and I've ended it off with my advice on how to achieve similar results with success. I'd recommend scrolling to the end if you're of limited attention span and just want some jot-points...but knowing AGP, I think you'll all read it just fine.
PART 1 Potential origins: I didn't have a terrifying upbringing or a terrible family, but there were flaws. My father was a hard-ass about "manning up" which I actually think has a place, but he didn't balance that with expressing love as much as he could have. But I believe the major point of origin was when my sister and I (she's 2 years younger) would get in an argument or potentially minor physical clash, she would screech and my dad would come running in and give me a smack. No beatings, but it was evident to young me (I believe this happened from the range of 6-10 years old) that boys were at more physical risk than girls. It was never explained (if it was, it wasn't done well because I don't remember it) about the biological differences between boys and girls as they get older, which at least would have made more sense. However, it was still a bad scene since my sister figured out the game and would fake-scream just to get me in trouble sometimes. I am sure this could have contributed to the AGP, as my brain may have imprinted from a base, primitive, survival level that being a girl is safer - ironically it's clear now that women are much more physically vulnerable, but once the imprint establishes itself, it's in. My father was the bad cop, my mom the good cop, he was working a lot - which I'm grateful for - but he wasn't as involved as he could have been in hindsight. They eventually split up when I was 10, about a year before puberty...so yeah, I'm sure all of this has some accumulative effect. During this pre-pubescent time, I was entirely hetero on the surface, although I can vividly recall a dream or two where I was a girl against my will - telling that I recall them. One was where I ran out the front door and if I didn't go back in, I'd become a girl. Another one I was sitting at a dinner table and I just was a girl - this one was actually more uncomfortably weird, due to me just being a girl in it doing normal things, but knowing I wasn't in real life. Anyway, those dreams are not to be ignored, but I had the standard crushes on girls and had multiple "girlfriends" even at age 10. Played some sports but wasn't super interested in them at this point, although I liked video games and competition. I've always been emotionally intelligent, but other than that I had no typical feminine interests or desire for their clothing/bodies. Girls, to me, were mostly just boring people who didn't get rough and play sports with us guys. I don't recall any conscious AGP feelings until puberty, where the imprint barged in through my mind's walls KOOL-AID MAN STYLE. First signs of AGP Safe to say, from here on out it's NSFW, but I'll try to keep it as classy as possible while still being informative. Had it ever since first masturbation. It was to a picture of Angelina Jolie on a video game magazine dressed as Tomb Raider; I was very fixated on the tight shorts and imagined myself as her, and after that I'd often imagine myself as a woman in sex with a "shadow" man. I had never watched porn at this point, although I had seen sex scenes in movies which gave me the visual fuel. I was the typical teen boy in that I was jacking off MULTIPLE TIMES every day, but I was atypical in that it was always AGP. I didn't have regular access to the internet until I was 14 or so, and even then I was never really into porn. All I needed was imagery if I wanted external stimulation; looking at a picture of a naked woman and imagining I had her body. My imagination game is very strong. I remember first hearing about "transsexuals" or "sex changes" through TV shows/movies, and would get strangely curious about it. I remember reading into it at some point, and being immensely turned on the whole time. I went to a school with uniforms and would look at girls all day, and often I'd get jealous when they'd wear tight pants. Much more tamely, I'd often play little weird games in my head like when playing games I'd think to myself "if you hit that target on this shot, you get to become a hot girl". So...YEAH it was pretty strong. It's also important to mention that I went through many changes during one year, around 11 years old: puberty, parents separating (only saw father every 2nd weekend), went to a different school...so it was a lot of change at once, and it's hard to say how much each contributed to what. Social struggles, search for teen identity All I know is I was significantly less socially successful from 4th grade to 5th, by a longshot. I was still playing sports and doing well at all that, but I just never really had that drive or knowhow to interact with girls. I was a good looking athlete so I was a little confused at all this; although I was also very late to the internet game as I mentioned - a lot of social bonding was happening over "MSN messenger, the equivalent to "AOL messenger" or the current facebook messenger. I was missing out on a lot of interaction there, so once again, hard to pinpoint how much was the AGP's fault, but I doubt it helped. From 11-16 I didn't really know how to socialize effectively, although I was starting to get girlfriends slowly but surely in high school (14-16). And then my father passed away from cancer! Certainly not ideal. Around 16 I found a group of stoner males that taught me a bit of the "party scene", although they had a parallel group of females that I actually started hanging out with more. This was probably the most effeminate path I'd taken in life to this point, but the guys were very aggressive and harsh, and I was so much more emotionally sensitive. I will never forget one night these girls tried convincing me "come on, just admit it, you ARE a girl! it's fine, you're just one of us..." uhh COME ON GOD WHAT THE HECK. That scene is instilled in my head to this day as an AGP-dysphoric memory. All this time, I was indulging in AGP masturbation fantasies, but I also had strong hetero competition - I had romantic girlfriends, and even in that female group of friends I actually would have liked to have hooked up with some of them. I really just lacked the ability to be forthright and bold and masculine in my advances; all of the girlfriends I had, had advanced on me first. I will admit I have very good looks...without them, I would have likely been incel...UNTIL: ALCOHOL HELPED WITH HETEROSEXUAL ENCOUNTERS Around 17-18 years old I merged back in with the male group, and started drinking at gatherings/parties more often. Turns out this was GREAT for making me analyze less, being more forthright and brash, etc. Sure, I also behaved as a buffoon, but I guess in hindsight it did get me feeling stronger about my masculine side. Really not good advice, as I did engage in the typical "college weekend alcoholic" for years, something I didn't fully escape until about 27. BACK TO PRODUCTIVE INSIGHT/ADVICE: cross-dressing phase So yes, I clearly had textbook AGP, but it didn't terribly impact my life for a while - I imagine being purely hetero during puberty would have me jacking off just as often, and being just as distracted. Testosterone is a heckuva drug. But there was some escalation eventually. I believe the first time I cross-dressed in private was around 14-15...this gave me TREMENDOUS AGP excitement, but I felt a ton of shame and the level of arousal was a little scary. If I had to guess, I'd say I did it only once or twice every year, until somewhere in my later teens, perhaps 16-18. It's hard to pinpoint, but I do know that at some point I started CDing (always to intense ejaculation) more and more, and one week in particular I was doing it every day. I began shakily/anxiously trying to put on makeup, and even *NSFW* putting a lubed-up pen up my butt a little bit. Writing that out feels weird, but hey, them's the facts. Thankfully, one day that week, someone came home - I believe it was my sister. I was fully dressed up + makeup, and my heart was pounding. Luckily I was in the bathroom, so I SOMEHOW MANAGED to have a shower and return all the clothing without anyone ever noticing. But I'm pretty sure that was the last time I ever CD'd...and I haven't looked back in that time. It was very clearly the most addictive thing I've ever felt in my entire life, and in the span of one week it was already escalating tremendously. First big dysphoria Let's talk about my thoughts during these times. As this CD phase escalated, dysphoria became extremely present. I remember getting hard to thoughts of myself as a woman, looking at my cock, and thinking "well, I see you're happy, but you're going to be cut up into a vagina someday if we keep doing this. Hope you're happy, bro". I am somewhat of a manlet, with light features, and small hands/feet/bone structure, which only confused me further. I thought often and thoroughly about how it seemed I was basically meant to be a woman, and how there was no escaping. This level of obsessive thought-loop has appeared several times in my life, but thankfully not consistently or for too long. Every time I was in the deepest depths of this dysphoric mindset, I always felt my worst. The more I tried embracing my "inner woman", the more incredibly anxious, depressed, shaky, weak I'd feel...it became clear to me that I do not want to feel those things, and I had a lot to be grateful for in my male life. If this happened the more I accepted being a woman, then why would I surrender and feel that way all the time?! As I strayed away from the CDing, the dysphoria dissipated considerably. ONE MORE TIME I have basically never felt intense anxiety or depression as an adult male. I always feel intense anxiety or depression when I have fed the AGP to the point it grows to dysphoria. This should be a major emphasis for anyone out there who's still reading and resonates with my story. We are always told to listen to our body in terms of health, so why should this be any different? Yes, sure, if you get depressed NOT giving into your AGP, then sure, try indulging. But for me, one week of crossdressing seriously impacted my stimulus-sensitive mind, and could have altered my life completely had I not stopped then and there. By the way, I didn't pop a pill, it wasn't easy...but I did it. I'm not a superhero. If you recognize that a drug addiction is bad for you, it's not going to be easy to quit...but you can do it. PART 2 Alpha Chad Frat Boy + First "Coming Out" Welcome to part 2, and I hope you enjoy the ironic title of the next stage. I'm going to try to be as concise as I can, as part 1 was very long - but the formative years are incredibly important, especially considering many young men will be reading this and still living in those years. This next period basically covers my late teens/mid 20s. It's important to remember I still didn't even know what AGP was at this point. Huge disadvantage. I had figured I was maybe "half trans" or something, but couldn't figure it out. After the CDing phase, I continued my partying and social growth. On the positive side, I had some AMAZINGLY FUN times - despite my emotional senses, I am still extremely extroverted. And by this stage, likely with the help of alcohol, I had managed to build up some protective walls so the harsh words of brotherhood didn't affect me so much. I made MANY friends, and had sex with MANY women in my early-mid 20s. The negative side: this immense social success made it very easy to ignore AGP tendencies. I still had very strong AGP masturbation fantasies, and was actually imagining I was many of the women I slept with. But because I was satisfying a huge social issue for me, this wasn't a big deal... ...until I actually fell for a girl, instead of just wanting a one-night stand. All my obsessive thinking was transferred to her - and I never got with her, even though we spent almost every day together for 2 years. We took the same classes, but she completely friend-zoned me. I would still hook up with other women, but she was always the target. She also didn't help the AGP by saying things like "I wish you were girl so we could talk about fashion/boys/etc." or "what if we come back for a class reunion in 10 years and you're a woman!" Idk if this broad could see the underlying femininity or what, but that was certainly not great. Eventually, after trying to overtly and forthrightly convince her to date me for two years, I drunkenly tried to fight my friend at a party who was making a move on her. She hated me for this, and said she never wanted to speak to me again. "OH HI MARK, HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE?" - my AGP morphing to dysphoria at that moment in time. Yeah, turns out if you completely shut out all remotely feminine traits in public, while privately engaging in AGP fantasies, and then putting all your emotional eggs in one human being...you're putting a lot of hope in that one basket not falling. Well, it fell. And I genuinely loved her as a friend at the least, so I actually told her I wanted to meet up and tell her something important. I told her I had "trans thoughts" and went into some detail. I wanted her to just tell me it was obvious and that I should go for it, if we're being honest. I was wide open for exploitation after having all those "eggs in a basket" explode in one night...THANK GOD I didn't know about trans reddit, they would have had a field day. I got lucky. This girl was shocked, and told me I shouldn't do anything drastic, that she wasn't someone who knew what to do here. It's important to note she had previously expressed some curiosity toward trans people, and seemed to like the idea of them. But her very rational response here was a major blessing at that vulnerable moment in my life. Saying a lot of these then-decade old thoughts (was probably 21-22) out loud was therapeutic enough at the time, so the dysphoria basically vanished. This is why I do not recommend "blind repression", as it can leave you vulnerable when sometimes even just talking about or acknowledging the AGP on a non-sexual level an relieve very heavy dysphoria. But I still didn't even know what AGP was...so let's fast-forward. First therapeutic activity At 23, after what was probably another year of blind repression like I'd done in the past, I managed to find an outlet for my emotionally sensitive side: acting classes. I had a very tough instructor who cut right through my tough-guy act and helped break down my walls to access the emotion required for acting out highly emotional scenes. This probably saved my life. For me, sexually feeding the AGP directly will lead to the least-desired outcome. However, finding an outlet to vent the AGP-adjacent (feminine, softer, but not sexual) side of me seems to have altered my life a lot. I also began exercising more than ever during this stage of my life. This was also the poorest I have ever been financially, working temporary factory jobs for minimum wage. But I don't recall any major flare-ups leading to dysphoria, even though I was still engaging in the AGP masturbation fantasies, and doing the "I'm her" thing during sex. This indicates that even during times where flare-ups are more likely, things like exercise and having a "vent" can help. Career boost I focused on training for my career and at 24 I got a huge opportunity with a company. This helped boost mental well-being and kept things largely on-track for a few years... Part 3 AGP discovery At 27, I had moved to a new city, living at an AirBnb with other people, my career lost some momentum, and I still hadn't had a stable relationship since I was 19...you guessed it, AGP-fueled dysphoria-time. This was the most critical turning point in my entire life to this point: I stumbled upon the concept of AGP. This was amazing! It described me perfectly, and so I delved through alllll the literature, and allll the online content...but remember, my life was still un-sturdy. I still exercised, but on its own it is not enough. And now I was obsessing over the AGP, diving in head-first...I ended up entering by far the worst dysphoria since the CDing era in my teens, arguably worse. I say worse because I was very recently 27, and was acutely aware that 27 was getting a little too close to 30. Instead of learning how to control the AGP, I ended up watching some of the sissy hypno for the first time, and masturbating multiple times a day to AGP fantasies. Fortunately, I was old enough at this time to comprehend how powerful it was, and didn't go too far in that. But it was the most intense year of my life. I could feel a spiritual tug-o-war, it was very apparent that this was now-or-never - in both directions. Knowing my enemy in AGP was great, but it wasn't great that I had a strong condition that the literature made it seem as if one day I was doomed to transition no matter what. Doomed to Trans? And doesn't that just play right into the fantasy? "well, you're going to do it as an old weird dude anyway, might as well do it now and not destroy the lives of a woman and children - not to mention enjoy some attractive pretend-woman years" "just give in" "surrender to it all, let it happen"... What a siren song for someone with AGP...and yet, there was so much at stake. While not as wildly social as my early 20's (I quit drinking to excess that year), I enjoyed my social life as a male. I was attracted to women, even with the AGP sideshow. Let's face it: the most beautiful, mentally sound women are much more likely to be attracted to an in-tact man, and a traditionally masculine man at that. They want someone to fill the father role for their children. There's also the matter of personal well-being. I've never seen an elderly transperson, frankly, until Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. And they have the best medical teams money can buy. The facts are that medical transition is extremely dangerous...most people can develop serious health problems just from living normally, never mind the introduction of cross-gender hormones. One is hooked on a lifetime prescription of pills. As for the physical surgery elements: a neovagina has many, often disgusting, unfortunate outcomes that are far from uncommon. We will never be women. Knowing I had AGP really helped with that, especially as I do have some feminine-ish physical traits. It's a lot harder to justify living as a man if you're definitively instructed by society that you're actually a woman in the wrong body...and that's all I could find for the first 16 years of my pubescent life. So I more or less listed the pros and cons of each. List your pros/cons of each outcome Pros of living male: great mental and physical health, attractive, great friends, get to create my own family, get to be with a great woman, career is overall still good, my future goals all align with this, day-to-day life is easy in term's of society's expectations of appearance, don't have to worry about walking alone at night etc. Cons: never knowing for sure what the other side feels like, must exercise discipline instead of instant gratification, society expects a higher income if you plan on mating effectively, people feel less sorry for you, more responsibility Pros of deciding to be a pseudo-woman: perhaps orgasms would be 12/10, not just 10/10, would at least be fun at first to play with female/body, basically get to hit re-start button on life and learn a new-playthrough, less responsibility, have sense of finality as opposed to constant wondering in dysphoric state cons: may be unattractive, even if somewhat attractive will always know that you aren't actually a woman, less men will be interested in settling down, infertile, likely to die sooner, less physical strength, more vulnerable, mental health likely less stable due to nature of estrogen, operations could be botched leaving one a mutilated mess, will drastically alter all friend/family/work relationships, have to learn how to live from the ground-up in a brand new world, novelty could wear off and realize grass was not greener ...I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but it sure looks like the cons for succumbing to the AGP desires are more numerous and have much more dire consequences. It looks like a fun sexual gamble you'd maybe take with a video game character...but to take a chance risking a good life? It was obviously the worst outcome. Do I have control? Okay, so the AGP feelings are permanent, but I wanted to overcome them. I logically recognized that the male life is much more desirable...but once again, am I doomed? Heading towards 30, I wanted to find that special lady and have some kids, and I would loathe myself to give in to a selfish, illogical sexual kink that ruins the mental state of an entire family. Was I doomed? Not if I could help it. If I kept blindly hoping for the best, pretending there was no dragon nearby, one day that dragon would emerge from its cave and kill me. If I was going to "die" at the hands of this thing, I was going to do it in the dragon's lair. Die bravely, or live triumphantly. I needed to hammer this out, so I reached out to Blanchard himself, and he mercifully replied. Living in Canada, I was able to see his friend Ken Zucker, who understands AGP - I WOULD ONLY RECOMMEND GOING TO SOMEONE WHO TAKES AGP SERIOUSLY. The majority of today's gender therapists are likely to look for any reason to castrate you, more or less. Heading into the therapy, I realized that this was an intense step and the dysphoria flared up substantially for the final time. I will admit, the AGP wanted him to tell me I was doomed and had to do it. It wasn't the logic talking, but the AGP knew it was closer to its goal than ever before... Thankfully, talking about ALL of this with a true professional helped immensely. He said there is likely some AGP (no way!), but nothing I can't handle. I can't stress enough how fighting this head-on was such a victory for me living a normal life. Now, this exact therapy-outcome may not be realistic for many. Money and/or an AGP-aware gender doc may not be in play. Use this subreddit, ask people like me or others whose story sounds relatable to yours. You can achieve this first step of clarity in many ways on your own. Take control.
Figure out your exact condition, your feelings, what's led to it all, where you see your future...FIGURE IT OUT. Way easier said than done, but so crucial.
Decide your path, understanding that at no point will you be "forced" to do anything. Everything in my story after the AGP was imprinted was a choice of mine. The only difference was that each choice was made with different levels of wisdom behind it.
Protect yourself. Let's talk about that.
Protect yourself Understand that while deciding to carry on as male is almost always the smart choice, and long-term the "easier" life...you are likely to have at least mild-to-medium AGP flare-ups for life. The people who go for the pseudo-woman life are sacrificing a lot long-term, but their big advantage is that they at least don't have to worry about AGP taking over any more - they've surrendered to it, at whatever cost that may be. But if your life would be much better as a male, then I liken this logic to losing a war. Sure, the relief of the war being over would be something - you don't have to fight for your life anymore - but the repercussions may be profound, as seen by the effects on defeated nations/civilizations over the years. It's been 2 years since my last dysphoria/major AGP flare-up, which is pretty cool, but obviously not a victory lap yet. However, there are massive differences in my lifestyle between now and my pre-AGP-aware repressions:
I no longer look at porn at all, or use AGP fantasies for masturbation or during sex. The urge isn't even there.
After implementing this mental wiring ^ I was able to increase my outward female-targeting. This landed me a great gal that I've since married, and I dominate her submissiveness automatically. Writing this essay has basically been like looking into a different world, in hindsight.
I've come to Christ fully and completely. To be honest, if you look at how my puberty began and where my life is now, it's not hard to see "miracles" can take place, and I do attribute God to many of my life's saving turning points...however I didn't mention His influence until now, as I want to reach as many people as possible, and I know reddit isn't the most Christian-friendly website. But I assure you that the advantages to having Faith are very helpful. One caveat: if someone does not effectively take control and understand their issues before jumping headfirst into religion, it is more likely to result in relapse. Hence the molester priests who kept their problems buried their entire lives.
I've returned to the weight-lifting of my early-20's, with a better diet than I ever had back then (and less of a weekend alcohol addiction). These seem basic, but mental health is so drastically improved from these factors alone, that it's worth mentioning.
Obsessive thought-loops: these are what spiral the AGP out of control, but they can also keep you going to the gym every day. Feeding the AGP via little thoughts will generally lead to medium thoughts, and so-on, unless it is identified and squashed early on. When I get mild flare ups I just laugh, and go over to kiss my wife, realizing she's a better woman than I could ever pretend to be. We are likely all somewhat obsessive, so be vigilant with your thought cycles.
Pillars of stability I figured that I'd identify some pillars of stability that will naturally reduce anxiety and accompanying AGP flare-ups:
Career. Find a way to be happy while making money
Romance. The longer you use AGP fantasy in masturbation/sex, the harder this aspect will be to fulfill. If you pop an AGP boner, try switching over to a hetero fantasy before you finish. Maybe a girl you have a crush on. Tbh I've finished to visualizations of my ideal life, which is weird but seems to work
Physical. Work out, if not for physical appearance, then for mental well-being. Maintain a strong diet, get your vitamins.
Social. We are social creatures, get out there and have some fun. Loneliness is a major source of AGP flare-up.
Spiritual. I personally testify that God has had a major hand in my preservation, and not just from AGP/dysphoria. Maybe this seems silly, but keep an open mind.
You may notice that all of these are under attack from the lockdowns...I personally don't think this is an accident. It doesn't take a genius to see how terribly mental health in general has been affected by it all. Stay vigilant. Do not allow corrupt politicians (who don't abide their own rules) to mentally castrate you. Final thoughts/Where I'm at now I've been writing this for almost 4 hours now...jeez. My brain is spent, and I haven't eaten as I want this done. But let me try to offer a little bit more of my story/advice briefly. I may edit this little section if I think of something later:
AGP doesn't have to be a curse. I actually believe that if it's compartmentalized effectively, you have an advantage over other guys when it comes to reading a woman, and knowing what she wants - especially sexually.
self-awareness, discipline, willpower...these things reign supreme. You control a lot more than you think you do.
I've been completely content since those fateful therapy sessions and subsequent life decisions, no hidden rage or envy. I am almost never affected by anxiety or depression
these 2 years have been the best of my life, even though I had temporarily repressed blindly in the past. Considering I had still been engaging the AGP fantasies back then, it's no wonder something ate at me underneath it all, even in successful repression.
Alright, that's it for me. Hope this helps someone, even slightly. There are likely spelling errors, repetition, and/or missing links/holes in the story throughout...I am not proofreading this right now, but feel free to point anything out or question anything I've written, of course. I'll edit where necessary. Open to all questions and am always available to talk about this very lonely condition, in public or private if you prefer. Stay strong...you are not alone.
The Mystery of the Bakersfield 3: Two friends disappeared, a third died in a drive-by shooting. Their families suspected the crimes were linked. How did Baylee Despot, Micah Holsonbake, and James Kulstad end up in the middle of an arms trafficking and murder plot in their California city?
Over the course of 34 days in the spring of 2018, three unsettling crimes played out in the city of Bakersfield, California. The families of the three victims realized their children all knew each other and ran in the same circles, and they began to suspect that all three crimes were connected. But what began as a crusade for justice among grieving parents took a shocking turn when investigators discovered that the so-called Bakersfield 3 were embroiled in a criminal underworld of black-market weapons smuggling, the Hells Angels, unspecified ties to drug cartels, torture and kidnapping, and a convicted felon nicknamed “The Boogeyman of Bakersfield.” This is a genuinely bizarre case, and while I’ve never written up a case for this sub before, I’ve been following this story closely for the past couple years. The last time it was mentioned on here over a year ago, but there have been some huge recent developments in the last year that I thought deserved as comprehensive a telling as possible. And despite all that, it's nowhere near resolved. So without further ado... Part 1: Missing On March 23,2018, Micah Holsonbake, 34, went missing in East Bakersfield near the intersection of Flower Street and Mount Vernon Avenue. Micah was a clean-cut dad who worked in finance, a former high school debater who loved karaoke despite not being any good at it. He was presumed endangered missing until August 22, 2018, when teenagers swimming near a local park found an arm in the Kern River that was identified as his. The rest of his body has never been found. On April 18, 2018, James Kulstad, 38, was murdered on a quiet block in Southwest Bakersfield. A father of two daughters, James was a serial entrepreneur described as the type of man who “could sell a dollar bill on the side of the road for a million dollars if he could just get 5 minutes with you.” His brother Ryan heard the gunshots from the next street over, but didn’t see the shooter, and he claims he held James as he died in his arms. On April 25, 2018, Baylee Parrent-Despot, 20, disappeared from Rosedale, the upper-middle-class neighborhood in Northwest Bakersfield where she’d grown up. Baylee described herself as a “flower child” who had been born in the wrong generation. After facing a number of serious challenges, she was struggling to get her life back on track, and was said to be pregnant and trying to leave her boyfriend when she went missing. She has never been heard from again. Local media christened Micah, James, and Baylee the “Bakersfield 3” after the victims’ families discovered that all three victims knew one another. In the wake of the links between all three disappearances coming to light, Micah’s father told a local news reporter, “Just to be blunt, something happened to Micah… and a month later something happened to Baylee, and I think it’s because she knew what happened to Micah.” And in between them, there was James Kulstad, who ran in the same drug-fueled circles as Baylee and had helped Micah move just weeks before they both were killed. Bakersfield is a city of half a million people, but on a social level, it can feel as insular as any small town — you’re rarely more than one or two degrees removed from anyone you meet — and even in a city where everyone seems to know everyone, it’s hard to buy three friends all going missing within the space of a month by sheer coincidence. But as time went on with few official developments in the investigation, it seemed like people largely lost interest in the case by late 2019. Then, in 2020, the Kern County District Attorney’s office charged three people with a total of 34 different charges, ranging from first degree murder, torture, kidnapping, assault with a firearm, and illegal manufacturing of assault weapons. Two of the defendants were already in custody — and the third may not even be alive. Part 2: Some Local Context By every metric, Bakersfield is just a flat-out terrible place to live. It’s my hometown, I left for a reason, and the reason is that it sucks. Kern County suffers from a slew of serious socioeconomic and public health problems, the largest of which is probably related to economic and income inequality. A fifth of the population is under the poverty line, and crime rates are sky-high, especially drug-related ones. Opioid abuse is rampant, though it still falls second to methamphetamine, the most widespread drug in the area. There’s a significant issue with white supremacist gang violence. When I was 16, my 70-year-old next-door neighbor got stabbed in a biker gang fight at a tattoo parlor by a Hells Angel called “Delano Mike.” A high school chemistry teacher was literally arrested for trying to make meth in his classroom three months before Breaking Bad even premiered. This is a region with a lot of serious problems that go deeper than any one symptom, but suffice it to say, there’s a reason I moved away as soon as I tuned 18. The other thing you need to know is that despite being one of the most conservative cities in California, there’s a widespread distrust of law enforcement outside of the police and courts themselves — and, frankly, for good reason. Corruption in the justice system is widespread, and basically a local tradition dating back to the tenure of longtime district attorney Ed Jagels, perhaps best known for ramming through 36 false convictions of ritual child abuse at the height of the satanic panic. (34 were eventually overtured, and the other two people convicted died in prison and never saw justice.) Jagels’ history of prosecutorial misconduct is also the subject of Mean Justice, a 600-page doorstopper by Pulitzer-winning author Edward Humes about the wrongful conviction of Pat Dunn, who is currently serving a life sentence for the murder of his wife despite a wealth of evidence that would suggest his innocence. In 2002, Jagels’ protege, an assistant district attorney named Steve Tauzer, was murdered by a former Bakersfield police deputy, Chris Hillis, after Hillis allegedly learned that Tauzer had a sexual relationship with Hillis’ 22-year-old son, an addict in recovery; facing first-degree murder charges, he pled out to manslaughter and received a 12-year prison sentence. In 2015, The Guardian published an in-depth exposé about how widespread corruption within the local law enforcement community led to Kern County having the highest rate of police killings in the country: the deadliest cops per capita. And over the past several years, the Kern County law enforcement community has been mired in a police corruption scandal in which members of the BPD abused asset forfeiture laws to illegally seize guns, drugs, and money from suspects, which they in turn trafficked for personal gain. All this is to say that Bakersfield cops and prosecutors have not engendered much public trust outside of their own communities. In a city with high rates of violent crime, law enforcement has consistently put its own interests above public safety, justice, or victims’ rights. That's just something to keep in mind while reading. Part 3: Down the Rabbit Hole Micah In the weeks and months prior to Micah Holsonbake’s disappearance, his family could tell that something was troubling him. Lance and Cheryl Holsonbake both recalled their son behaving erratically in the days before he vanished. But none of it seemed to make any sense coming from someone like Micah, whose family described him as intelligent and hard-working. He had a comfortable upbringing in Rosedale and worked his way into a lucrative career as a financial advisor despite only one year of college. In the photo his family circulated following his disappearance, he wore the suit and tie and placid smile of someone posing for a corporate headshot. But Micah was going through a dark time following a rocky separation from his wife and family, and had been struggling with a painkiller addiction for the past two years. The year before, he’d been laid off from his job after going on disability leave due to depression. According to court documents, Micah owed drug-related debts to members of the Hells Angels as well as “the cartel.” One friend of Micah’s told police his life seemed to be headed in a downward spiral after he lost the ability to see his son, and often got in fights with others at bars. In one witness statement, an unidentified woman told police of a prior incident when she and Holsonbake were kidnapped at gunpoint and driven to an orchard in west Bakersfield. Holsonbake bolted from the vehicle as it was moving, she told police. That account was corroborated by a friend of Holsonbake's who told police that he said he had been kidnapped at gunpoint. He told his parents that he feared for his life, frequently thought he was being followed in his car, and rambled about various people he believed were out to get him, but they mostly wrote it off. James Micah had been hanging around with James Kulstad for some time before he disappeared. It’s not clear when they first met, but it appears they become friendly through the drug scene. Like Micah, James first became addicted to prescription painkillers after being hit by a car, before progressing to fentanyl patches and eventually heroin. He’d been a single father to his daughters Camryn and August. His obituary characterized him as a free-wheeling surfer who held a patent for an action sports product and earned the nickname “Joe Vegas” for his love of gambling and table games. Camryn, now 19, says she and James had an especially close relationship after her mother died when Camryn was an infant, and James often warned her against getting involved with drugs and partying in a clear-headed way, which made it even harder to watch him spiral downward in the years before his death. “I felt like I lost him before I even lost him, but I worked so hard,” she told a reporter. “I was working so hard on everything I could do to make him get better… I was hanging onto hope and whoever killed him took that away from me. I don’t have that anymore, I don’t have hope.” In the wake of her father’s death, Camryn says that a number of stories and rumors about his life surfaced, further complicating her grief. “Some of the stories I’ve heard is that he was a really bad person these last 3 years,” she said in 2019. On the night of his murder, James reportedly drove to an acquaintance’s home in Southwest Bakersfield where his brother Ryan Kulstad was hanging out. Ryan claims that the homeowner allegedly owed money to James and told Ryan that if James came over to his house, he’d “call his boys and they’d come over there strapped,” which Ryan says he didn’t interpret as a serious threat. Ryan and James reportedly argued about this on the phone, and James showed up at the house a couple hours later. Ryan says he had just returned from driving someone else home and noticed a driver in a silver sedan behaving suspiciously as he returned to the house. Moments later, Ryan and his unidentified male passenger heard gunshots on the next block: an unknown gunman opened fire on James from another car, causing him to crash into a parked trailer. The same silver sedan was seen speeding away from the scene. The owner of the home where this all took place was Dr. Sukhjeet Bajwa, who at the time was a chiropractor with a local practice. Bajwa lived in a quiet subdivision in Southwest Bakersfield. It was an unlikely setting for a drive-by, and according to initial news reports, police were at a loss for the motive behind the killing, or what James was even doing in the neighborhood at all. Then things began to unravel: Bajwa, it turned out, had been arrested twice in 2016 and 2017 after driving while impaired, and in addition to liquid heroin, Xanax, and hydrocodone, police also found two unregistered, loaded guns in his car, an AR-15 and a .22LR semi-automatic rifle with a fake silencer attached. All of this was detailed in a disciplinary complaint filed by the California Board of Chiropractic Examiners, and after Bajwa’s name began repeatedly surfacing in connection with the shooting, a rumor began to circulate about a black-market gun and drug trafficking ring in which Bajwa was supposedly a central figure. It was the type of conspiracy theory most people instinctively write off as too bizarre to be credible. But it must have rung a bell to Lance Holsonbake. Before Micah’s disappearance, he told his father that he was “putting together guns for people,” according to a 2019 interview. Lance said he reacted in disbelief to this confession, because the idea that Micah would risk his career by getting involved in illegal gun manufacturing just didn’t make sense. “If you’re this afraid, just stop,” Lance recalls telling him. “And he’d say, ‘I can’t do that I can’t do that.’ He was afraid he did that they would hurt his family.” He wrote it off as paranoia exaggerated by his son’s drug use, and didn’t know how much of it was real and how much was in Micah’s mind. According to Lance, Bakersfield police initially suggested that Micah had left town of his own volition after getting mixed up in criminal activity and, from what I can tell, didn’t make much of an effort to investigate. Though the family says he was last seen on March 23, 2018, Bakersfield police claimed he wasn’t reported missing until April 4, and it appears they waited until April 13, when he’d been missing for almost a month, before BPD made its first public statement regarding his disappearance. After James was murdered a few days later, the Holsonbake and Kulstad families grew increasingly frustrated with the apparent lack of interest in investigating either case, and told the media later that as they began digging into the circumstances surrounding both cases, one name kept coming up with everyone they talked to: Baylee Despot. And within a week, Baylee Despot had also gone missing in Bakersfield. Baylee Baylee Parrent-Despot was 20 years old when she was reported missing in April 2018, and the families say that it was her disappearance that finally motivated the police and local news to start investigating the links between all three cases, for reasons that seem obvious to anyone who has ever seen the media react to a pretty white 20-year-old going missing. Her sister, Katelyn Parrent, describes her as “a girl that’s grown up in a good neighborhood, raised by good parents, had a good childhood, could’ve had everything she ever wanted,” much like James and Micah. And beneath the surface, she was as troubled as either of the men: after graduating high school, she’d run off to Vegas to marry her boyfriend, but their rocky relationship turned into an abusive marriage that ended just a year later in 2017. In the aftermath, she wrecked her car, lost her job, and in her mother’s words, “Her life just spiraled out of control.” In July 2017, Baylee was arrested for disorderly conduct in front of her friend Micah Holsonbake’s house. This came as a surprise to her sister, who had at one point been friendly with Micah herself — she didn’t realize he and Baylee even knew each other. But even though he was 14 years Baylee’s senior, Katelyn remembered him as a clean-cut guy who worked at a bank, and their mother, Jane Parrent, says Micah helped her get a restraining order against an abusive ex-boyfriend. They didn’t see any cause for concern. Still, Baylee’s life continued to spiral out of control. The following month, she was drugged and gang-raped at an acquaintance’s apartment complex. She disappeared for days at a time and resurfaced with “horrible stories” or pleading phone calls begging to be picked up. On one occasion, Katelyn remembers, “She had none of her belongings, no shoes… A couple nights after that there were two vehicles that came to pick her up and we could tell by the look on her face that she didn’t want to go, but if she didn’t go, we didn’t know what would happen.” Matthew Not long after that incident, Baylee had a new boyfriend. Matthew Queen was 43 years old, a convicted felon, and an all-around bad dude. Not much is known about his background, with one major exception: in the early 2000s, he plead guilty to one count of making a false statement to a federal firearms dealer after he used a false address, but his real name, to purchase $11,000 in guns from dealers in Indiana. Many of those guns were later recovered at crime scenes in Detroit and Chicago. If you want an idea of what type of criminal mastermind we’re dealing with here, I recommend reading just the final ruling on that case from the 7th Circuit court of appeals:
“We reject Queen's argument that gun buyers may lie about a street address so long as they live within the state where the gun is sold . . . Queen in fact had once lived in an apartment at 2072 Egret Court, but he did not live at this address when he completed the forms and bought the guns because he was evicted on December 18, 2000, for nonpayment of rent."
Great. Sounds like a great guy. Lest you assume Matthew Queen might have hypothetically seen the error of his ways and cleaned up his act after this early foray into gunrunning, he absolutely did not. In December 2017, just a couple weeks into Matthew and Baylee’s relationship, they were arrested after police found four unmarked, unregistered, loaded assault rifles in Matthew’s car during a traffic stop. Neither he or Baylee said a word to the police, but while Matthew (who, as a convicted felon, was prohibited from carrying any guns or ammunition at all) was charged with several felonies, while Baylee pled no contest to a lesser misdemeanor and received three years probation. Later that month, she moved in with Matthew, his mother, and his estranged wife. Baylee’s family saw and heard even less from her. And in April, a month after Micah’s disappearance and just one day after she and Matthew attended a court date for the weapons charges, Baylee went missing. Her mother believed she was pregnant with Matthew’s child and was trying to leave him at the time. Matthew told police that she had connections through her father's side of the family with a Mexican drug cartel and believed they had something to do with her disappearance. Local interest in the case reached an even greater frenzy after Micah’s severed arm was found in the Kern River in Hart Park on the east side of town, not far from from where he was last seen. It was positively identified in late December 2018. By this point, the family of the Bakersfield 3's investigation had amassed around 10,000 followers on Facebook and another 5,000 in a private group, and the story was a fixture on local news. Another curveball came around this time too, when a former friend of Baylee’s named Sara Wedemeyer, 21, filed a restraining order against Baylee’s mother, Jane Parrent. As it was reported, Sara had moved in with Matthew mere weeks after Baylee disappeared, and she was four months pregnant with his child when she attempted to take out legal action against Mrs. Parrent, whom she claimed was harassing her and her “fiancé” by hanging up missing person fliers in their neighborhood. The restraining order wasn't granted, but Queen allegedly began making disturbing social media posts about Baylee, Micah, and the Parrent family, with Mrs. Parrent as the primary target. And in mid-2019, the investigation seemed to grind to a halt. Part 4: New Developments On May 27, 2020, roughly two years after the first developments in the Bakersfield 3 case, the Kern County District Attorney held at a press conference to announce they believe Baylee Despot and Matthew Queen “deliberately and with premeditation" murdered Micah Holsonbake. Despot and Queen, along with a third man, Matthew Vandecasteele, were charged with the alleged kidnapping, torture, and first degree murder, as well as unlawful manufacturing of assault weapons, conspiracy relating to the murder and torture plot, and a slew of other assault and gun charges (34 in total). Queen and Vandacasteele were both in custody at the time the charges against them were filed, but even though Baylee still has not been seen or heard from since 2018, the DA’s office issued a warrant for her arrest, leading some to speculate she may still be alive. According to court records, Matthew Queen allegedly believed that Micah Holsonbake had stolen a .44-caliber revolver from him. He and Baylee Despot kidnapped Micah, zip-tied him to a chair in Matthew Vandecasteele’s garage, and attempted to torture him in order to extract information from him. A blood stain in the garage matched Holsonbake’s DNA. Vandecasteele told police that he didn’t see or hear Micah on the night he was killed, but knew that the other two had brought him there to question him. After several hours, Baylee allegedly returned to the apartment seeming “flustered” and changed her clothes in a back bedroom. Before they left, “Queen told Vandecasteele that he had cleaned everything up and it was OK to go inside the garage.” The next day, Queen returned to Vandecasteele’s apartment and said he “needed help disposing of something” in a large black storage container in the trunk of his car. Vandecasteele claims he refused to help with disposing of the body, but according police reports, his Google history during that period of time included searches for “lye chemical formula,” “lye for sale” and “how long does it take to dissolve a human body,” as well as browsing for lye on the Home Depot and Lowe’s websites. Queen, Despot, and Vandacasteele allegedly manufactured and sold AR-15s from gun build kits. Other witness testimony released by the courts described various kidnappings that witnesses allege Queen, known as “the boogeyman of Bakersfield,” committed. In one incident, Queen allegedly handcuffed one victim to a chair and put an electric dog collar around his neck because he believed the man had stolen a gun part from him. Another witness said that Queen and Vandacasteele showed up armed at his hotel room after the witness told Baylee where he was staying, and that he believed they intended to kill him because he’d been arrested “with a large quantity of narcotics that he was fronted or given without paying for them and the people who had gave him the narcotics could have been upset.” (According to the police report, surveillance footage from the hotel corroborates this account.) It’s also believed that he made anonymous calls to the police tip line to misdirect the investigation away from himself: one such caller referred to Baylee as a “sugar momma,” a phrase which Queen reportedly used to describe her when he spoke to investigators in August 2019, and he also used the same pseudonym on the tip line that he did on social media. When police questioned him around this time, he denied being part of a criminal enterprise and claimed he could barely pay his bills. Then, while out on bail for unrelated gun charges in January 2019, Queen allegedly kidnapped another man at gunpoint and forced him to walk into the Kern River while Queen accused him of snitching to the cops. He’s been in custody since July of 2019 due to this kidnapping. Part 5: No Body, No Crime So where is Baylee Despot? According to official statements from law enforcement, no one knows. After the warrant was issued for her arrest, a wave of speculation followed that she had faked her own death or fled to Mexico with the help of unspecified “cartel connections.” That story seems less and less likely as more details have emerged from court documents. Vandecasteele told the police that Despot was “falling apart mentally” after murdering Micah. He and Queen both suspected that she was cooperating with police on an investigation relating to the illegal weapons charges, called her a “snitch” in one interview, and told investigators he believed Queen “made her disappear.” In one interview, a female witness said Queen kidnapped her at gunpoint, took her to an orchard, and held an AR-15 to her head while he questioned her about whether Baylee was faithful to him. When police questioned him about Baylee’s disappearance in July 2019, he said was depressed and off her medications, and she had said she wanted to die. When the investigator told Queen there had been allegations of domestic violence involving him and Baylee, some of which resulted in bruises, Queen said he never laid a hand on anyone. He told the detective she was clumsy. Despite all of this, Jane Parrent says that police have told her that they don’t consider Matthew Queen a person of interest in Baylee’s disappearance, and that there is "no known physical evidence that definitively confirms her possible death." She is now offering her own personally-funded $1000 reward for information about her daughter’s location. The rest of Micah Holsonbake’s body has not been recovered, though according to court documents, investigators believe Queen may have buried him in the hills near Taft, a rural area about 45 minutes west of Bakersfield. There have been no developments in the investigation of James Kulstad’s murder since 2018. Anyone with information is urged to contact the Bakersfield Police Department at (661) 327-7111, or the Kern Secret Witness program at (661) 322-4040. A reward of up to $10,000 is being offered for information leading to an arrest in this case. Ultimately, what really frustrates me about this case is that even after this avalanche of charges, so many questions remain unresolved, and not just what happened and who did it, but why. If the investigation concluded that James Kulstad’s death was unrelated to the disappearances of Baylee and Micah, who ordered his murder, and what was the reason? To what extent was the chiropractor involved with Queen and Vandecasteele’s trafficking racket? Was Sara Wedemeyer involved with Baylee’s disappearance, and if not, how’d she end up living with Matthew and expecting his child just two months after her “friend” went missing? Why did Sara and Matthew harass Baylee’s mother for months after the disappearance? More than anything, I’m still lost as to Baylee Despot’s motivation for any of this. Did she just find herself in too deep with no way out? Did she actively make the choice to become a gunrunner? Did Matthew, looking to settle a grudge against Micah, seek out a relationship with Baylee with the intention of using her to get to him? Did he kill her because she was cooperating with the cops, because she attempted to leave him, or because he was just a sociopath who felt she was no longer useful? Or is there a chance that law enforcement knows more than they’ve let on? When investigators told Mrs. Parrent that Matthew isn’t a suspect in her disappearance, was that an indication that she may, in fact, be alive? Probably not. But at this point, anything is possible. Sources:
“‘Bakersfield 3’ member Micah Holsonbake was afraid of murder suspect Matthew Queen, became increasingly paranoid before he disappeared, documents say,” 6/17/20
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