what does xoxo mean from a guy - lannoyschool.com

Welcome back to my rambling, aphasic story about my transition!! Here’s the previous part (which also links to the previous, previous parts). So where were we? It’s May something or rather. There was Something about me being bi and how I’d discovered that boys and girls are both hot. And there was this whole thing about me trying to deal with that and how I even got to that point. Well not to skip ahead too much, but I am so very bi. Or pan or whatever. I like bi as my label, mostly because I LOVE the bi flag. Bi pride!! Anyway, I think boys are cute. And girls are cute. And enbies are cute. And just… everyone. Everyone is cute. Especially the person reading this: you’re adorable and amazing. I just honestly don’t care at all about the gender of the person I like, only that I like them, and they are a consenting adult person. But I was still figuring all that out back then; just dipping one terrified toe in so to speak. Also, I have to get back into a sort of bad headspace to write this. In May I was really falling deeper into depression and not pushing away from it. I was very confused by the way I felt about my sexuality “shifting” and was still trying to figure out what that all meant. I try to make it all seem fun, but for serious it was rough for me and a lot of the things I did and thought were influenced by how depressed I was. Sorry if that’s a bit of a downer. Just hold out with me till about August and things get better, I promise.
So, hopping back in, I was rather recently separated and in a position to be dating again (at least physically, mentally is a WHOLE ‘nother thing). And I was at least tangentially aware that I was probably, maybe, attracted to men as well as women. That being said, I really wanted to be alone forever and wallow in misery. But my wife actually encouraged me to make profiles on Tinder and Bumble. I was heavily of the opinion that I was manish, undatable and unlikable. It had taken me AGES to find and have all of my previous relationships, so I figured that trend would continue. It took me a bit to feel comfortable with it all, but eventually I gave in and we made some profiles together. I put in that I was looking for women, of course, and (on a lark) men too. I was met with… mixed success... Okay, not so mixed, lol. I got SO many matches!! I was so very not prepared for it… Lots and lots of guys and a handful of girls.
So I’m going to take a quick moment here to talk about some of the guys that contacted me. I’m going to call them chasers because that feels like the most appropriate name to me. Yeah, diving right into that controversial shit today. Cool. For reference, I don’t mean this to be political or controversial, but I know there’s some differing opinions and thoughts out there about this topic. So let me make it clear that these are my opinions. I have never claimed to be either right, or a good person. Maybe I’m a shite person (I make that exact argument several times in fact), and my opinions are garbage. But They’re still my garbage opinions and my shite personality, so I’ll just have to deal with the fact that that’s who I am. /shrug. Anyway; chasers. Fuck chasers. Those people never even saw me as human, and it really messed with me at first. No… it still messes with me. Their desire was for me as essentially an inanimate object. They just wanted to fuck me like I was some sex doll, and then throw me away. I was a disposable, subhuman thing to them, good only for fulfilling their imagined pornographic fantasies and desires. And some, I assume, were good people.
I got contacted by so many guys that wanted me to top them. Btw, that, in and of itself, is not a terrible thing mind you. Not a thing I like or will ever do, but by no means bad. That’s exclusively down to preference and comfort. It’s just that these guys did not actually give any fucks about me as a person, despite how it seemed at first, they just wanted me for that one part of me. like I was a porn video they could get off to once then discard. Literally all they cared about was the fact that I had boobs and a girldick, and that they wanted that girldick used on them. In their asses, presumably. A thing about those guys; a lot of them seem really sweet at first. They seemed so interested in me and so genuine! They wanted to know how things were going, and they were SO complimentary. It was really the first time anyone had acted head over heels for me, so I was a bit entranced. But inevitably, we’d start texting about more… explicit things (because they led me there). And eventually, they’d ask me about my OEM equipment. Did I have my **** and would I use it on them? Was I ****? Would I *** on their ****? Could I bend them over and **** them in their ***? Or let them **** my ****?? Needless to say, I was creeped out. I was wildly unprepared for this at first… It takes some work to figure out their tack. To figure out what they’re into and where their interest lies. Once you see it though, the pattern is clear as day; There’s a preamble of quick conversation where they ask you surface level questions, but never anything too intense or deep… nothing designed to really know you as a person, just what they think is the minimum small talk they can engage in before shifting to whether I’ve had “THE SURGERY” yet. Then all they care about is sex and they only want me if I’ll use my girldick on them. (Okay, I’ll stop posting memes. Sorry. Kinda.) But If you push back, tell them you need time, that you don’t do one night stands, don’t top, or that you want to get to know them more before talking about that stuff, they ghost you. Because to these creeps I was NOT a person, and any amount of continued effort was too much.
For however disgusted I was by the way some of these guys treated me, I did figure out that I was very, very into men. Provided, of course, they were willing to engage with me under MY conditions, and not some weird porn fantasy. Ugh, again, fuck chasers. But in and amongst the garbage chasers, I did actually find a few decent guys and gals. I will very briefly and in much less detail than is necessary or right, talk about Tyler (not his real name). Ty was a decent fellow and seemed interested in me as a person. Mostly at least. We had a few good conversations on tinder and then decided to meet up for a cup of coffee. Gods, I was sooooo nervous!! Like crawling out my skin!! This was my first date with a man… and my first date as a girl. Omfg I was like all over the place!!! He turned out to be a sweetheart and a gentleman, honestly. He bought me a cup of coffee and we went walking for a while. After a few hours he asked me if I wanted to go hang out at his place for a bit and “play video games”… Yeah, that’s gotta be code, right? So we went over to his place and… he made me watch him play Fallout 76 for like an hour and a half. No lie. I’d have never thought that anyone would want to subject a date to that… but here I was, watching this reasonably sweet and pretty cute guy play one of the worst videogames ever. For HOURS. I don’t have enough faces or enough palms to palm my face enough times to properly express to you all how bad and stupid it was. Now eventually he kissed me and we did… stuff and things that I thoroughly enjoyed. Or I guess I did stuff and things to him that we both thoroughly enjoyed. I guess I’m bi and a whore. Good to know.
I don’t have a good segue here… I can try though I guess. Uhhh… So speaking of Tyler, and how I dated him for like 2 weeks then unceremoniously dumped him, it was June! See? Awful. I don’t really want to talk about my dating life too much, but I also briefly dated a girl I’ll call Abby. Abby dumped me after like 2 weeks much like I dumped Tyler, and for similar reasons, so I guess karma evens out (sort of like how my Karma count on reddit evens out from all the downvotes I get arguing with TERFs in news or thisubisnotabouttransissues.) I guess I should be all introspective and serious again now. As a recap, it was June, less than 2 months after my wife had ended our 10 year-long marriage, and I had blown through 2 relationships already. Clearly, I was not ready for this kind of thing. I am about to be scathing in my review of myself: I was relying on other people to be my source of happiness. Tyler was too into the idea of me to be actually into me and so I didn’t feel validated enough, and I was too clingy with Abby and demanded far more of her emotional resources and attention than was fair. At that moment I needed someone who could shower me in genuine attention so that I could focus all of my internal insecurities onto an outside source and use that as my primary fount of happiness. Which, in case it’s not super obvious, is just a really terrible thing to do to someone.
So faced with this situation where I desperately wanted external validation, but clearly could not handle the responsibility of that, I made the only decision I could: be alone. Oh, and cut my bangs. Btw, that’s my real hair. I was wearing a wig in public at that point still, but this was my real hair I cut. Anyway, I turned off my dating apps ending my brief experiment. I needed to figure out who the hell I was. Ugh, I need to wax poetic again. Is that getting tiring??? I bet it is. Well, bear with me a few more times while I pretend myself to be a Greek philosopher. I had to figure out who I was without relating that self-perception to other people. Who am I in a vacuum? If I am alone and have no one to bounce off of, what is the… me that exists there? Cause if my problem is that I seek too much external validation, then the solution is that I need to find internal validation, and then project that outwardly as confidence and leverage that into making better relationships; both romantic and platonic. So I tried to do what I had done before and kind of look back at the most recent save file for my base identity and work from there. Except I’d corrupted my save files by modding in the gender switch, and now I couldn’t use any of that data. Crud.
I’m not gonna lie, I felt lost. Like REALLY lost. I was this essentially new person who I barely knew and I had just lost a huge portion of my identity with the separation. I had been referring to my marriage and wife as “Anchors”, because I realized just how much of myself I’d rooted in her and our relationship. That and being a mother were pretty much all I had at that point in my life, so when I lost her and the relationship (and the 2 more that followed) I was kind of screwed, existentially speaking. My problem was that I was essentially floating free. No anchors anywhere in sight. I’d need to make a new one… Or several.
I think that this is a good time to bring up my friends, though honestly they’re really more like sisters. I’m going to use their real names because I love them and they deserve all the recognition that a minor reddit post will bring them (plus I specifically asked all of them and they all consented): Julie (and her wife Luna), Saoirse (pr. Se’er- Shuh), Olivia(Liv), Alexandria(Lexi), and Aeris. Anyway, through a series of ridiculous coincidences I met all of them and we formed a group together. All being trans and in somewhat different stages of transition, we’ve been able to help each other and talk through anything that any one of us is dealing with. They are a friend group, therapy group, meme exchange, venting channel, political discussion group, and other stuff. I’ve leaned on them a lot. When I said earlier that I talked to my chosen family, it’s these girls I’m talking about. They are amazing and I love them all. I’m bringing them up here because I think that it’s easier to do this now so that I can reference them all later. I don’t have anything else specific to say at the moment. Just that my girls exist, and I love them xoxo.
So… Anchors. I needed to figure out what in my life made me, me. I decided that I would take this in two steps. Step 1: figure out who I am alone (I’d need at least a few months to do this). And step 2: figure out who I am in relation to other people (my girls, mentioned above, helped out with this as well as future dating partners). I started with just focusing on step 1 by itself, but have moved on to doing both more or less concurrently. I want to be able to pass down some answers from on high about how I figured out my existentiality and reached nirvana, but I’m just not that cool. I think that I’ve gotten closer to figuring myself out irrespective of my relationship to other people, and I am learning a LOT about my “self” as it relates to others right now. About my interdependencies and self actualization, and blah blah blah. This is all just a sort of self-discovery, right? Btw, doing this in month or 2 is a laugh. This is gonna take me years, I think. Maybe when I’m done I can go be a famous you-tuber passing along my proto-philosophical wisdom to the masses ala our Dark Mistress Contrapoints. But for now, I’ll settle for a middling reddit post.
Anyway, let’s move on. I don’t have any answers about my existential crises for now, but just know that I was kind of floating blindly and trying to figure myself out. June is also the anniversary of my coming out. June 22 specifically. I’d left my ex the letter on my computer exactly one year prior on that day. She’d later given me this really cute print out of the position of the planets in our solar system that day. My first day being honest with myself and her. I’d framed it and hung in the hallway. I took it down when we separated because of what it represented to me and how it had felt like this amazing thing before and now felt… tainted I guess. I still have it down. I’m not sure if I’ll ever appreciate it the way I used to, but I will absolutely acknowledge just how sweet that picture is. I did not feel like celebrating my coming out day this year… Maybe I’ll feel like it next year. I felt the same way a month later on my 1 year hormone anniversary on July 28, 2020. I just didn’t want to celebrate it at the time. I hope that my 2 year anniversaries are significantly better.
My wife ended up moving out in mid-June or so too. She went to go live with her mom and we started to work out a way to split up our time with the kids. She was planning on doing one of those tech boot-camps to give her some new workplace skills and move into a better career (a thing that she has since done and enjoyed a lot). But the gist here is that I was now alone at home for extended periods of time for the first time since before I’d met my wife about 12 years prior. I was ALWAYS with her or kids or something. I had an hour or two here or there, maybe a day or weekend, but not like this. Not LIVING alone. It was crushing in its emptiness… What I really needed to be able to get more human contact in. What I needed was to be able to go out and have fun. See my friends. Get a little drunk and give out my number at a bar. Buuuuutt… COVID. I couldn’t really even leave the house. Ugh, what a year 2020 was… In lieu of being able to go out though, I did the very next best thing, which I still do to this day, and talked regularly with my girlfriends.
I think maybe one of the best ways to make sure that you can stay grounded and not get lost in that despair is a good friend group. And in times like this, that can be just so important to have that contact and companionship. Going through all of that turmoil and discontent alone probably would have pushed me to a different result… Having my girls to talk to and bounce off of was a really great thing. There were a few times when I would talk to them late into the night about whatever was ailing us! It was cathartic and helpful in a way that few things are. There was one night I remember distinctly that Julie, Luna and I all stayed up till like 1 in the morning drinking wine and champagne together over discord till we were all drunk and rolling around on the floor laughing together (me alone in my empty house and them in their place in California). They are some of my best friends and I have no idea what I would do with out them!!! We would all of us meet up at least once a week too, and have a zoom call. Just talk for hours and discuss the problems of the world, our individual problems, HRT, emotions, good stuff, bad stuff, stupid stuff, whatever. It was, and is, a blast and something I look forward to every week. Get yourself some girls like this. Trust me.
But as you may be able to tell, I have this whole sadness that’s still sort of worming it’s way into my life here. I was still not on my anti-depressants at this point, that wouldn’t happen till August, and I was struggling to cope. My friends and my kids were keeping me around and engaged, but I was not doing well. Everything felt so suffocating. And I was avoiding my therapist too. I’d had one session with her in like early May and was now verging on 2 months of not talking to her. Not a great thing to do when you feel this bad btw. And then it was Father’s day... Do I celebrate Father’s Day? I’d had people tell me happy Mother’s Day, and that felt appropriate, though perhaps not… deserved? I was super confused about what I should do here… We decided to kind of half celebrate it… We went up into wilderness and did a hiking trail. It was nice!! I just felt so… weird about it all. There’s this super interesting shift between celebrating Father’s Day last year to feeling like that’s inappropriate this year. Ugh, it feels so jumbled up… Mother’s Day, Father’s day… blah. There should just be 2 nongendered parent’s days. All I felt was like I was in between and didn’t deserve either day anyway, so that made it even worse.
There’s I think a lot to address in that last paragraph… See, there was this period where I felt like I didn’t deserve to be called a mother, or even a woman. Like it was something I had to earn. It was this feeling like I had to be worthy of being a woman and that I was somehow falling short. That’s crap btw. I “deserved” it, whatever that even means, whether I thought so at the time or not. I am a mother through and through and I do deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day. I am a woman in every sense and that is not something that has requirements other than just being one. Like, being a woman is a state of being, one which I am in, and not something that is a question of desert. People simply are their gender. TERFs and other pieces of shit contribute to the notion that there is something unworthy about trans women. That they are women* and not just women. I‘ve even rather recently argued with a TERF who basically told me this exact thing. And fuck her. Don’t internalize any of that bullshit if you can help it. Whoever you are that’s reading this, you are valid, and amazing and uniquely you!! Never lose sight of that!!
Anyway, back to me being an upside-down depressed girl. I was sinking into this boredom and malaise and I wanted out of it. I needed to do something. I needed to get out and be reckless and try something interesting and new. I needed to be alone… kind of. I just needed something to change and get me away from all of the depression and melancholy that I was wallowing in. So after going around on a few different things, I decided that I was going to go to California! To Napa, specifically, and to go get drunk for a few days with my girlfriends. That felt like JUST the thing I needed. Girlfriends and wine. God I’m such a basic white girl. I did some research to try and get the emptiest airport I could so that I could avoid as much COVID as possible, we got some hotel rooms, scheduled a driver in wine country and we were off!!
Primarily I met up with Julie and her wife Luna. We had rooms in the same hotel and spent a few days together in Napa. We went to nice restaurants and sat outside all done up in our best makeup and prettiest dresses. Everywhere we went we were greeted with “Hello ladies,” which I thoroughly appreciated (proper gendering euphoria ftw, yo). It was a BLAST!! We went to 4 different wineries, all with something different and unique to offer us. We spent way too much money on bottles of wine. We absolutely spent the entire day, and then some, pretty drunk. A waiter lightly hit on me in a rooftop bar. It was amazing!! I feel like I could write a whole thing on just my few days in Napa. Maybe I will for my poorly reviewed self-published book that I’ll release in 2025.
The following day, Julie and I drove back to her and Luna’s place (which was also in CA) while Luna took their car back. We tried to visit Saoirse, who was on the way, but unfortunately she was having a super rough week and wasn’t really up to it. We dropped off some wine and well wishes, waving at her through the window, and continued on. At Julie and Luna’s we played video games and ate wonderful homemade food and generally relaxed. It was really nice. I was SOOOOO not ready to go home at the end of my 3 days. I’m not sure what else to say here honestly… I probably could, but like, do I keep just going on about it? Nah, seems good to stop here. And it was definitely what I needed. A distraction, and comfort. A way to let go of all the crap I was dealing with, even for a few days. Forgetting about all the tribulations and the hectic slowness of my life. Back to the grind I guess! I came back to my home and just sort of sunk back into things. I want to tell more interesting stories about things that happened, but when you’re depressed there just aren’t any. I was just sort of… there. I was able to get out of bed every day and I didn’t die due to self-negligence. That’s really all I can say here. I was playing a lot of FFXIV too. That was fun at least.
My one year HRT anniversary came and went with little fan-fare. In my journal I apologized to myself for how trash my entry that day was. It was lamenting the fact that I had nothing good or inspirational to say. And that, plus the fact that I was slipping back into a heavy malaise, is what drove me to FINALLY call my therapist again and set up a new appointment. I talked to her and I cried through the entire session. I told her that I felt inhuman. That I wasn’t in control of my emotions and I was sad all the time. That I needed to be severely distracted or drunk to not feel lonely and awful. That I wished I was dead. That I needed help. She gave me a recommendation for anti-depressants, and I set an appointment with my GP that same day. I really should have done that a LOT sooner. I’m going to repeat the lines that I put in the previous section discussing this. They bear repeating:
For anyone who needs to hear this; YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! And it is NOT your “fault” that you are trans. There is no fault and no blame to be had anywhere. Your existence is not “wrong” and you are not “bad” for existing. You are being true to yourself and working on being the best you that you can be. And that’s exactly what we should all do. Work to be the best self that we can be!! Find a place where who you are and what you’re doing makes you happy. That’s what’s important. But please, please, please, if you’re having a rough go of things, don’t be afraid to reach out to friends, family, therapists or dumb bitches on reddit giving you unwanted lectures about your mental health. (here’s the number and website for the Trans Lifeline, in case anyone needs this right now: (877) 565-8860 / https://translifeline.org) And legit, please feel free to DM me if you want.
August was a big month. I stopped wearing my wig because I finally felt like my hair was long and femme enough to present femme reliably. I’d get extensions in September, but we can talk about that later. August is also when I started taking Prozac. And I do want to talk a bit about anti-depressants and the stigmatization that I think many of us still buy into. One of my girls was feeling pretty down for a while and she told me that she didn’t want to start on anti-depressants because the HRT should be enough. Let me say this very, very clearly – Being trans and being depressed are not the same thing - You can be trans and not depressed and you be depressed and not trans. Or, and this is important, you can be both. They are NOT mutually exclusive. When I first started on HRT I felt AMAZING. It really did lift my depression! And for a bit, for months really, I felt like I didn’t need to take anything else because the HRT should be enough. I bought into that crap too. But the more depressed I got, the more I realized that my HRT had nothing to do with depression. Depression is usually to do with a lack of sufficient serotonin (more or less). It has nothing to do with primary sex hormones (I mean… it does… but lets not get TOO into endocrinology and neurology here). And please, don’t get me wrong: HRT is a life saver!! It made me feel so much better and more human!! But it did not cure or treat my depression. That was independent of my transness and required a different treatment. Prozac, to be specific.
It took a few weeks on my anti-depressants before I started to feel better. I’d been crying hard every single day and was totally losing myself. At first, it sort of turned me off… I wasn’t sad, but I certainly wasn’t happy. I was a little… nothing. I didn’t like that, but I kept on. For like 2 weeks I couldn’t cry. I almost stopped because I wasn’t willing to give up my emotions, but they did return. And here’s what I felt when I started to feel what I’d describe as normal again. I found that I had a bit of a volume knob on my emotions now. Not like complete control, but it was like I could tune it between the nearest 2 notches or so. Like if I was feeling 9 sad, I could let it creep up to an 11 if I wanted or hold it back to a 7 or so. I still felt it all!! I just had some control over it. That really let me understand just how badly I was letting my emotions run my life. I had lost control and it took regaining some of it to see just how much. E is a ride!! It’s sort of like riding on the air drifts around those huge dragons in Breath of the Wild. I was just drifting along, running out of stamina, losing control and about to careen into the spikes on it’s back. Riding the dragon is such a trip. It takes practice and determination, and sometimes, help. Don’t be afraid to ask for that help.
Alright, I think I’ve imposed on all y’alls time enough for today! Know that things start getting better from here on out. This is more or less the end of this depressive phase I was going through. Not to say that things are rose petals and rainbow poptarts after this, but the Prozac saved my life and really turned things around for me. By September I was trying to date again. I have a one hell of a story about a wonderful woman I met whom I’ll call River, both as a Dr. Who reference and because it’s a bit of a pun on her real name. I met a few guys too. I made new friends and did more interesting things. Relationships ended. Elections happened. I got an RTX 3080. I think on the next entry I should probably get pretty well caught up to real time so that I can take another 9 month long break from writing this. I hope all you wonderful folks have the best weekend or week or day or whatever. Be happy and go forth into the world with confidence and vigor!! Be yourselves and be your best self. Bye-bye lovelies!!

Housewives History Post: 2009-2011 That Goddamned Blog!

After the RHOC S4 reunion in 2009, Gretchen posted a deranged blog about Tamra. It was first posted to the Bravo site with the cast blogs but removed due to the content and accusations. Gretchen then reposted it on her personal blog in 2010. It was referenced on the show again in S6 in 2011 when Tamra attempted to make up with Gretchen during the Florida trip by asking her to, "take down that goddamned blog!" Gretchen never did which is great news for us as we can time travel back to this messy moment in Housewives History because of that.
This is the blog I wrote after the airing of the reunion show last year (season four). Both Tamra and my blog were removed from the bravo website due to unknown reasons, and therefore I found it important to make sure the truth was still heard. This is the only reason I still have this blog up. Tamra has tried to taint who I am as a person and Jeff’s and my relationship for way to long. It was about time I addressed all her lies, and set the record straight since TV only shows you want they want you to see.
I had already written my blog yesterday regarding this “lost episode” and didn’t get to send it in because I was at Slade’s son’s graduation. On my way home I received tons of calls and e-mails regarding Tamra’s blog on Bravotv.com and the “excuses” she used for her inappropriate actions on the reunion show. So of course, I read what she wrote and now feel forced to address the lies she continues to spin to the press and the public. Sorry in advance for this being long winded, but I have been QUIET for way too long, and it’s about time the truth be told as Tamra so eloquently pointed out.
First of all let me state this very clearly, Tamra changes her story according to how it best suites her in that moment. I have honestly never met anyone so contradictory in my life (or someone that just plan lies to your face) Let’s address some of Tamra’s “stories” as I like to call them.
Story #1: She states that I asked her and Simon to have a threesome the night of her infamous dinner party in the very late hours of that dinner, but contradictory to that claim, she sent me several texts after seeing that footage in season four, and stating that she was appalled at what she said about getting me “naked wasted” and that she was so drunk she had no idea she said those things at all. So if that was the case, then how convenient for her now to all of a sudden have a clear mind that night and remember that she supposedly heard me say I wanted to have a threesome? Maybe that’s a fantasy of hers, but it surly is not mine. I would never say something like that, as a matter of fact Tamra is the one who spends her time on national TV season four talking about having crazy sex, shopping at sex shops, and having to keep things better then the same old peanut butter and jelly sandwich. How miraculous that she all of a sudden pops out of her drunken state and could remember what was said, and to boot at the late part of the night (aren’t you normally drunker later?) In her own blog about that dinner party she states that Simon stayed up with me making some food while she was hugging a toilet. So when did I say this exactly again? If you ask me she wasn’t getting any response from me during the reunion show about her accusations so she needed to reach for the stars on something else hoping it might stick. (I.e. I picked up on Don, Ryan, and then the threesome comment) I mean seriously what is it? Pick one already. This is when you see me drop my mouth in amazement and say “you seriously have some balls”. Tamra was reaching even for her.
Story #2: About “J and I” involving Tamra in a love triangle. First, let me be clear! There was NO love triangle to involve Tamra in, second J, NOT me involved Tamra in this. I said it on the reunion show and I say it again now, “I cannot control what someone else does”. J was someone that I thought was a friend and it turned out he wanted something much more with me, when he couldn’t have that it caused him to do things that were not right. J calling Tamra in the middle of the night was because he was drunk and angry. He wanted to hurt me and therefore he tried to create conflict by calling Tamra and claiming he was my boyfriend. Tamra took the bait, hook line and sinker and he got exactly what he wanted. The next morning when I called to talk to Tamra about it, I apologized to her that he had called and said I was not sure how he had her number, but maybe he had gotten into my computer or my phone. At the time J was someone I considered to be a very dear friend, and he was someone that I believed had my best interest at heart. He would come to the house offering to take out the trash, or change light bulbs, or help around the house since Jeff was no longer able to do those things. He made me laugh during a very tough time in my life, and he and many of our mutual friends would go out and try to get my mind off the crap I was dealing with in the hospital, so yes it would make sense that people would see us out around town. Unfortunately, unbeknown to me he was going through my things, I believe stole pictures from my home and computer, and had access to personal information during those times because of access to my home. Now I understand and know he was planning on hurting me with those things at some point if he couldn’t have what he wanted. I later was told that he was out bragging around town he would figure out a way to make money off me.
As I said I called Tamra after J’s phone call that night to her and apologized to her, and said that he was acting “stalkerish”, because his irrational and strange actions were causing me to feel that way. I didn’t speak to him for weeks until he sent me a “I’m sorry” e-mail. He stated he was drunk and was wrong for doing what he did . I even forwarded J’s e-mail to Tamra. She said she understood and was sorry I was dealing with that because she has dealt with some of the same issues with guys from her past before, and I believed we had put it behind us. Obviously that was not the case.
And just for the record Tamra had already been on camera several times tallking crap about me long before this “phone call” to her was made (it was made half way through the season). So for her to blame her actions towards me all season on this guy calling, I believe was just a cop out. And as Lynne so brilliantly said during the lost footage episode to Tamra “So what’s your reason for being so mean to me”; proves my point even more.
Story # 3: I had no idea J continued to call her until much later, and once again him continuing to call her is not anything I was controlling. Tamra said on the “lost episode” that he kept calling every night at late hours, so if that doesn’t prove my point of him acting “stalkerish” with his behavior I don’t know what would, but again I didn’t know that he was continuing to call her until much later. J acted one way with me, but was obviously up to something else behind the scenes. I have never seen Tamra out on the town, so for her to say she saw him and I “very cozy” while out on the town is a flat out lie! I had no idea that J was talking to Simon behind my back and feeding him lies about our supposed relationship till much later. I also still don’t understand why Tamra wouldn’t have just told him to stop calling and that she has nothing to say to him. A guy will not keep calling if you shut all those doors, but obviously there is a part of that story that is missing. She says I dragged her into this but from my point of view she is the one that continued to allow herself to be involved. If that was me I would have told the guy to go pound sand, never to call again and if he continued I would get my husband on the phone and tell him we do not want to be involved and if you don’t stop harassing us we will get a restraining order! I now believe it was part of a bigger plan.
I would like to address her comments in regards to Bass Lake as well and J being up there for the day. J decided to drive up to Bass Lake for one day because he said he was sick of partying in Havasu for the holiday. I told him I would be there with my family and that he was welcome to come up to Bass Lake and hang out for the day because it was very chill. My family knew who he was, as did Jeff, and my parents would have never allowed J to be there if they believed for one second I was having an affair with him on Jeff! That’s just absurd! As I mentioned on the reunion show, Jeff had meet J, and he knew J was up in Bass Lake with us for the day because I talked to him several times throughout the day. The film crew was there that weekend as well, shooting for the show, so why in heaven’s sake would I allow this guy to be on camera if I was having an affair? Isn’t that just plain stupid? For Tamra to act like she was “calling me out” on something during the reunion show about him being in Bass Lake is hilarious because she didn’t even know any of the details. She simply was looking for an excuse to not like me and act the way she did towards me. I have realized some people don’t have the most innocent of intentions and that has been a rough lesson to learn lately.
Story #4: Tamra would just love it if she could convince everyone that I was using Jeff this “poor sick man to get on T.V.” Tamra even said to me at one of our first lunch meetings that Simon seemed to think that Jeff being ill was a big advantage for me because then everyone would feel sorry for me and like me. I found that to be a very strange statement. She knew her claims about J would help excuse her behavior as a person and possibly make people doubt me or not like me. Are you kidding me, how sick can they be? How can someone possibly say something so awful about a couple dealing with a deadly disease? And for the record again, I was approached to do the show, I didn’t audition like Tamra did through the internet by sending in a resume and picture to do the show. I had no intention of doing the show and certainly didn’t go looking for it. It was an opportunity that was brought to me, I originally was very hesitant to do the show but Jeff, who always liked an adventure, was actually the one that convinced me to do the show. So for her to say that I was using this poor man to get on a T.V. show is just ludicrous. Since Tamra never meet Jeff she could have never known any of the details about our relationship and the reasons we agreed to do the show. For her to just make assumptions based off a strange man’s phone calls to her in the middle of the night makes no sense at all. She herself said J was “trouble” and “wouldn’t stop calling”. Once again completely contradictory!
Story #5 Tamra states in her blog that “she was prepared to talk about J at the reunion show” yet in the weeks prior to the show she sends me texts saying she has no intention of talking about J because she didn’t want the drama and that is exactly what the audience and the Network wanted”. Then we attend the Virgin American event (in April 2009) and she tells me (with Lynne as my witness) she was forced to talk about J at the reuninon. Why? I’ll address that in a minute, but the point is, her story changes again. Then in her blog she states that J texted Simon just to stir things up on the day of the reunion, so if that was the case then why was she so surprised that I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about? Obviously I had no idea J was trying to stir things up because I believed J and I were friends and that he had my best interest at heart. I later realized that was not the case. Throughout the off season as Tamra and I talked she told me many times to be careful of J and that she believed he was trying to get his 15 minutes of fame. This is also when she told me about the continuous phone calls he made too them. So if she knew he was “trouble” and was only trying to get his 15 minutes of fame then why would J texting Simon affect her so much that she turned into such a mean bitch on set. I couldn’t quite understand it and that is why you see me asking her “why do you care so much about who is my friend or not, how does it effect you?” I just couldn’t understand the reasoning behind her ambush. Especially because I felt we had buried the hatchet on this issue many many times.
Well the very next morning I found out why she exploded like she did. It wasn’t about me at all, it was about the e-mail she received from her own husband, Simon, that day of the reunion show. I know she knows exactly what I am talking about here because I still have the e-mail saved and I responded to both Tamra and Simon to let them know I got CC’d on the e-mail. The most ironic part is that the e-mail came from her husband Simon because he was trying to save face with the cast and copied all of us on that e-mail, about Tamra lying to all of us about the reason he showed up in Vegas earlier in the season. Get this, the title of that e-mail addressed to Tamra from Simon was “Your B.S. and Lies” Ironic huh? Her own husband is addressing Tamra as a liar. Classic. I will get to that e-mail in a second but on another note I want to express that what really sucks about this whole thing is I really don’t think this is anyone’s business and I never brought this up because I just don’t like to be this way, but unfortunately when someone goes so out of their way to try to defame your character, at some point you have to call them on their own BS. I have let this go and go, tried to let it die, tried to not to add fuel to the fire, and take the punches and roll with them, but I am so done with this now! It’s so obvious that Tamra is out to hurt me and therefore I am forced to have to go here with all this because she continues to spin her lies to benefit herself and cover her own lies.
Simon writes this in the e-mail to his beloved wife and I quote; “So what did you say to Gretchen and Vicki at the pool? And maybe you should tell everyone the truth about Vegas and how you lied to me to get me to come up there. Or I will” The whole truth? I don’t need J’s text to prove what you told them lies about me the next day. Marriage is about being honest and loyal. Try it. I would have never done that to you. I don’t deserve it. Make it right.” End quote! Isn’t it funny how in every blog or piece of press Tamra claims she’s just “ Keeping it Real” or “The truth will set you free” Ha Ha Ha She tries so hard to convince the world she is always being truthful because every other word out of her mouth is a bullhonkey two faced lie.
As I put the pieces together in my mind I realized that the time of the e-mail sent by Simon was exactly when we were coming back from our lunch break during the reunion show, and wha-la,! I all of a sudden realized why Tamra flew off the handle with me that day. J texted something to Simon that made Simon realize that Tamra lied to all of us about why he came up to Vegas. By Simon sending Tamra that e-mail above, it sent a backlash of emotions that came pouring over onto me about how I am such a liavictim, all the while her own husband is saying “marriage is about being honest and loyal, try it” Tamra was so mad she got busted because of some text from J to Simon. No mind you, I had no clue any of this had transpired. J and I had corresponded by text that day in regards to how the day was going; he never told me he had sent a text over to Simon that day. Now unfortunately as I put the pieces together I believe that was all a part of his plan, and to get his name on T.V.
I think the only thing Tamra and I agree on to this day is that J was looking to have his 15 minutes of fame no matter what avenue he took.
I have to say though, funny how she was calling me a liar on National Television, all the while her own husband was calling her a liar in an e-mail to her. This is part of the reason you see me say “am I being set up” on the lost footage episode. It really came out of nowhere her attacking me. Let’s see her now try to explain her way out of that one. I’m sure it will be someone else’s fault, or she will say I made this up, but the good news is that Simon CC’d everyone involved in this situation so all the cast and crew know exactly what I am talking about. Even Jeana admits to this particular e-mail beginning of season five.
Story #6 Tamra having to show up in court! What a flipping joke this one is. For the record I didn’t just NOT show up for my own court case. I DROPPED the case the day before it was even heard in court. That was from advice of my attorney, as J told his own attorney he didn’t care if I got a restraining order against him, which lead me to believe all he wanted was a media circus and I was not about to allow my serious concerns to be made a mockery out of in the press. When I heard he was involving Tamra in the case I immediately texted her. The reason for the text was because I had just seen her two weeks prior at the Virgin America event. I once again believed her when she said she wanted to call a truce and she would no longer talk about me. She claimed she just wanted all this to be over.
In good faith I agreed, and was looking forward to being past all this, but once again her story changes. Tamra and I exchanged texts messages the day before court and she stated that she wasn’t happy and was very stressed about having to go into court. I understood and felt bad she had been drug into my situation by J once again and told her I was going to drop the case per my attorney’s advice. J had already violated the Temporary Restraining Order once and it became obvious a piece of paper was not going to protect me from what he was consistently doing. I not only texted her the night before, but then again the morning confirming that the case had been withdrawn. Tamra knew the case had been taken off calendar because J’s attorney called all the people that were going to be in court that day the night before to let them know. But low and behold guess who still shows up to court……Tamra. Then surprise surprise she talks to press and spins her lies again, claiming she found it very strange that I didn’t show up for this case, when she knew damn well the day before I was dropping the case and the reasons for it because I texted her, and she responded! Then Tamra goes on to say that it “shows my real character”, and all she wants to do is “tell the truth”. So where was the truth in any of that? She flat out lied again, says one thing to me and another to the press. The funniest part is she actually made me believe that she was concerned for me for a minute in our exchange of texts. I fell for her two-faced B.S. again.
Then she says to press, “That J was very apologetic” as if she is now buddies with the guy that she was trying to convince me was “trouble”. If you ask me this whole thing sounds strange. Maybe my initial intuition on the “lost episode” of questioning if I was being set up, wasn’t that far off after all. Who knows really, but then I have a flash back of the footage where Tamra is saying she was going to get me “naked wasted” at her dinner party “and she was going to make me do something stupid”. Makes a girl think.
J is not someone I choose to be around anymore or have in my life especially after the very sick and shallow things he has done to taint Jeff’s and my relationship. He is not someone I care to talk about, but unfortunately I have been forced to discuss because of the “lost episode”, Tamra’s lies, and his consistent attempt of putting his name in the media and stating lies about me. I made a poor choice to be-friend someone that obviously took advantage of my friendship by stealing from me, borrowing money he never paid back ($18,000 dollars to be exact), and using my name to bring his into the limelight. I am not sorry I had that friendship because I have learned a lot from it, but I am sorry that he had to ruin it by doing what he has done to me and the memories of Jeff.
On a personal note, as far as all the other footage on this “lost episode” it was so nice to see some of the happy moments that Jeff and I shared together and with the kids again. The footage was hard for me to see and so I am sure the kids will have a hard time seeing that footage as they no longer go to Dad’s house to have those bar-be-ques. Jeff always loved to hear the sound of all us together, it made him happy even in his darkest of days. Just laughing and giggling, and poking fun at each other. That really was a very fun day. We had no joke about 50 kids over to the house and we played all afternoon. Jeff was the “cool” dad and the kids loved to hang out at his house. I obviously got along well with all the kids and enjoyed my time with them every time we got to see them. I miss all our time together it has been a while since we all got together and had a good laugh. I talk to all of them still very often. They are all very good kids and had the great influence of their Dad to turn into great kids with a lot to offer this world. I am very proud of them and the battle they have endured over losing their Dad at such a young age. I am in a much better place now, no longer vulnerable to predators and people that want to take advantage of me. I have good people around me and I will get through this period with my head held high. As far as Tamra goes, it’s sad that she just can’t “own” what she continues to lie about, and just stop talking trash on me. I have never been able to figure out why she cares so much about my life and what I choose to do. She is no longer someone I care to be friends with and I have given that woman numerous opportunities to make amends and be sincere about it, but I guess a leopard never changes it’s spots. Thanks to all my loyal fans and friends during this difficult period. As Tamra said, the truth will set you free. Gosh I feel much better now, thanks for the advice Tamra.
Xoxo Gretchen Christine

Coco’s LDR tips & tricks for forever happiness!

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whats your take on this? from whats being said by either part to experiences

am i losing my mind?.. so that I can feel I'm not just feeding myself bullshit if someone else can see it. it's about me and my girlfriend. i'm male dating female (no age specified). ive read a lot but never posted, recently created a account just to post this. this is about relationship advice.. that's what i need. or maybe this is my therapy, thank you if you make it to the end i really tried shrink this. 6 years
I'm not rich, just smart with my money, we started off as acquaintances, met in school. I didn't really love her, just liked her, felt there was something and decided to ask her out (she on the other hand really liked me, been crushing on me for a whole year, even tried dating some other guys to get over me but failed, at least that's what she eventually told me). she is from a poor background.. didn't know this at first.. but what she used to do for her family back home with her little allowance is one of the things that eventually led me to love her.

fast forward in, I love her.. to death.. she couldn't afford winter clothes I took her shopping. she couldn't afford to eat because she sent some money back home... I paid for all her monthly expenses.. mind you we are students. and every now and there I would take her out. became a fortnight ritual(the standard student life couldn't afford to take anyone out unless you had extra money coming from somewhere else. the tuition was calculated to food, toiletry and transport, and just a few other school extras.)
now we were doing engineering. meaning our school time was really intense. and couldn't always be around. so much that I even just started retiring my day at her place, just so at least we see each other. when I started it was all new and I still had a lot of my energy, but with time the work overload became too much. she loved my attention, sometimes would complain that I am not giving enough.. we were open in our relo, from basic behaviour to phones to sex. everything was put on the table. she loved our sex, would want it round after round. and I enjoyed that.. the desire. I'm a pleaser just in case this isn't obvious. so I get my high from fulfilling her pleasure. so I found myself stuck between having to perform in school, spoiling on dates and spending time, and sex... I had to be a 110 %. and each time I would try and adjust something to perform better at another the scales just wouldn't allow. soon I felt exhausted all the time. my money habits started changing so I couldn't spend as much, my grades went down, and the nail in the coffin was when she said I had changed in the sheets.

I paused to reflect. and reduced spending because it was killing my savings. reduced the sex, because I needed energy and time to read my books, and hoped that we could still get along chatting and hanging in between, now I have a very high sex drive, but every human has their limits when stacked with certain odds. and I focused more on my school. I've never cheated and in fact, I'm kind those guys that act dumb when other girls flirt with them when they are in a relo. bad for social reputation but I felt she was worth it. in fact. I wanted to marry her. she knew this...
another issue that popped up is self-care also went down the tubes.. like before I was always looking sharp. but taking care of her needs especially when she feels she doesn't look attractive or sending money back home... I would spare my own money for toys and clothes etc, to spend on her stuff, so she eats, looks good and everything, this was the only alternative I had in order not to ruin my savings schedule. in my opinion, I would rather sacrifice my looks than my savings. yes, I was wiped. I really loved this girl. and I did it all because of that. in school before all this. I think I can vouch to say I could get any get I wanted.. in fact. even while I was dating her, I still could.. but like I said I'm those stupid loyal to the core guys. I guess I just felt I found the one.. and believe me I was picky when I chose to date eventually. her taking care of her family back home made e think she was real and understood the real world and compassion and all that. not to say she doesn't now.. just explaining why it had a real sway on me when I started really loving her. thought she understood the value of sacrifice
She started flirting with other guys. And yes she looked stunning. Every day I prized myself in how much I take care of her, she had nice clothes, ate well, even better than most school students(even I at well, wouldn't sacrifice my meals, need that for studying) not to take away from her natural beauty, she was always beautiful. just didn't have the "drip", in case anyone thinks I'm painting the wrong idea. I was all attractive but my "drip" was taking a left turn. now I'm never really the uptight boyfriend. in fact, I would argue to say that I normally don't press a girl about anything harmless. but I catch her flirting with guys on her phone. remember our phones were open access.. she read my messages and I read hers.. it was just normal and not out of the ordinary, we would laugh about the people hitting on us and make jokes(eg she said once said she doesn't understand why she has to look out for both girls and guys when dating me, I'm hetero but have gay guys in my DMs too) anyway it was normal to find that as long as your not encouraging it, and she was encouraging it.

one guy, we will call him Tim, was always in her DMs acting like the good guy when we have a disagreement. while also throwing in how he lays goods and girls can't have enough of him. she said they are just friends. and I just excused it because I figured he was going overboard on his own, but one time we went out and when she saw the guy she screamed his name and jamp into his arms. and I was fuming... but didn't break it up.. just watched from a distance. let her do her thing.

just so your keeping record: I spend over a year or so without buying new clothes and looking sharp, just focused on the basics but made sure she looked good because she enjoyed it as well as took care of our other stuff like dates and stuff.. but not to say she didn't pay for dates when she could. but I digress, she would complain about the sex, saying I don't fuck her the same way I used to. that she used to come all the time, now she hates the feeling when she doesn't sometimes. or if we fuck, and I can't go the next rounds like I used to.. she would complain saying she didn't get satisfied. she would complain that I don't take care of myself as much anymore. and it's making her hate herself, and even complain that girls opinions now about me have changed, when before every girl would kill to be in a relo with me. (I'd get girls calling me selfish for not wanting to sleep with them), I would give my reasons why things have changed, starting now I am prioritizing... I'm just one man I can't be superman, especially since I am young and haven't built myself enough, maybe in future I will be able.. but for now, I can't be that guy who gets all the best grades in school while being able to spend time with my girlfriend and fuck her brains out like I used to and still have all the "drip", money and have other girls hitting on me without making my girl jealous.

sometimes I feel it was her turn on or something, the idea that other girls wanted me made her stay on her toes with me. but I didn't want her feeling that that's why I played dumb with them. I bought us a pair necklace for our anniversary, they link up to read something intimate, she broke up with me that same day. I honestly did not see it. in fact. in my head, these were just ups and downs and any relationship has them, but I was convinced that we could weather the storm. I went mad... and cut ties with her completely, never contacted her. completely lost it.
I started reading red pill stuff, I was just on edge. felt abandoned.. and I already had that problem from my relationship with my dad. which is a story for another time. my issues were I felt I was giving and sacrificing so much and she took it for granted. I felt so insulted. I remember even think "how dare she, me?!?! even after all I was doing." happened around our holiday, I became a really tough nut to crack. went travelling.. boat trips you name it, game reserve trips you name it, hotel living, fucking a new girl every two days, that Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and refused anything close to I love you from any girl after. but I was always upfront about.. that I did not want a relo, even when came back from my travels, I was still doing the same thing.

then one day I just felt worse. even more empty, so I stopped. the argument was one-day I'm going to look back at all this and it was for nothing. when I could have invested the energy in building my career or something more productive. and fulfilling. (but I established my regulars because I have a high libido, and they were not getting used or anything, it was their choice). tree months had passed, and my now ex calls me, I answer the phone, thinking maybe there is something urgent or serious. and I figured I need to work my way toward being indifferent so answering the call without losing it will help. and truth be told I was right. but not for the right reasons. it's more like I had just buried my pain than actually dealing with it. so I was indifferent but it just took something to push the feelings to the surface again. and another is I still loved her. she was the only girl I've ever loved. still is.. I've never gone that deep with anyone else. nd she was begging me to take her back, she was sorry, apologised and everything.. went on like this for 3 weeks. so I asked her why she broke up with me and she said she didn't know... it was just a feeling and it was stupid, believe me, I've tried to get a different answer from her but even till this day she says the same thing. I'm just concluding that it was our issue compounded over time and that some guy whispered sweet nothings into her ear and she took the bait.
either way, I took her back but saying we will start from the beginning, but this time she has to earn my trust, once broken twice shy. I thought it fair, then to just kick her to the curb coupled with the fact that I still loved her.. she asked me if I had been sexually active. and even the number of people and times, I was honest about it all. even said that I still had girls that were waiting on me.. they only stopped because I took her back and asked them to chill. and that if she doesn't act right, I have no problem just continuing with these girls. (picking up where we left off). and she cried. told me that she didn't sleep with anyone. even though she had opportunities she didn't because to her it felt like she was cheating on me, even though she broke up with me. this would go on to be the spark of some of our new arguments.. her trying to pin this on me. but I would always tell her, I was and still am one of the most loyal guys out there... if she never broke up with me I would have never slept around as I did.. but in her eyes, it didn't matter.. because at the end of the day the reality hurt her feelings.

one of our most intense arguments when she tried to accuse me of not waiting on her or my sleeping around pushed me to tell her how fucked up I had become since our break up. that my abandonment issues are so high that I need therapy. and she knew about my dad so she could understand the full story. and I told her that its all her fault.. she wanted me to just trust her now. and no I still didn't bother her when she is talking to other guys or anything like that, I would just take note, and maybe think "okay I guess she wants us to be like this in the relo." but when I would do the same thing she would complain.. and I told her to leave. she refused but just cried there. and eventually, her crying got to me. and we kissed and made up. but she still had to earn the trust. mind you I never made it apparent that I didn't trust her, even among people, they wouldn't notice anything.. but because she knew me she could tell that I'm not quite the same.. but I thought that's fair... I can't force it and she must understand.
I still took care of her. because I personally can't see someone I love suffer and i was trying to give her that chance, be real about it. so I still took her out, fed her and all that.. but it was the distrust she didn't like. during sex, I did my best (i am a pleaser, that's my turn on) but was more reserved.. and needless to say there were guys. remember that guy time? well, he is about to make a dramatic entrance. but id just tells her that I like don't like how things look and feel. I can tell when a guy wants my girl and when he just wants to be friends. this should be obvious, just like I can tell when girls want me or just want friendship.
to avoid saying too much, for this part just know that something happened to the both of us that really shook our relo afterwards. so much that I even had to be strong for her and put my feelings aside. and she would start distancing herself from me. and I would complain about the distance saying we went through it together.. even my feelings were hurt so don't push me away. and another thing came in where we got separated.. so I would have to travel to come to see her. her friends hated me. (one funny moment was when one of her friends who is rude to me all the time, came to my girl's room to get food, while shit saying to me, and I was the one who bought the food she was now taking, but I didn't complain, wanted my girl to do that for me. stand her ground with her friends) for some reason the fact that when we broke up I fucked around she needed to vent to her friends so there are multiple possibilities as to why they hate me and coupled with the fact that she would feel my distrust and got tell her friends crying.. but anyway... I digress...

so I was away long-distance, it was soon to be my girls birthday, she wanted me there with her and I couldn't make it, work-related issues. but I bought her gifts and had them sent to her, even posted her all over my social media. she was complete all the way with my trust again but we were cool enough to post each other. she tells me she is going out with her girlfriend to celebrate, I tell her its cool, I hope she has fun. she leaves and I tell her goodnight because she won't find me awake.

in the morning we greet each other XOXO everything cool. and on that day I almost even sent her money but she didn't have her card because she was waiting on a new one so she wouldn't even be able to access the money. and other options were just tedious for me. so I postponed doing that. the day was just a regular convo day. the day after that. she sends me a text. says she has something to tell me and knows that it's a red limit for me. that if I find out I will break up with her. this was in the morning, right out of my sheets. I just felt dread come over me. but I told her to say whatever it is.. tried calling but she ignored and said she would prefer to text.

so I sit there waiting. text bubble pops up. she says that the morning after the night she went out, she woke up and found used condom raps on her floor. and she is so sorry, she didn't remember anything because she just thought it was a dream. when she asked the guy who dropped them off, who she thought was her friend (Tim) he said they had sex, and he wishes they could have cuddled. and was even asking her if they could just date.. on the text she says when she heard this she got very furious but panicked and told him not to tell anyone and to stay away from her. she ended the messages saying she understands if I never talk to her again or break up with her.. she knows she crossed a boundary.

these messages were coming is slowly, I guess texting with emotion does that. on my end, I was boiling inside. losing myself. I wanted to go after that guy.. even had my friends ready for a road trip. I was seeing red... and in my mind, I had already told her that that guy wasn't good(i could tell he wanted something sexual from her and I had mentioned it before but she said they friends and so I backed off), but I didn't say it to her face at that moment. but I was seeing so much red that I went offline just for 15 minutes because everything from the beginning was just too much, even the feelings I had pushed aside to put her's first surfaced. within that 15 minutes, I found 5 missed call and 7 voice note messages of her crying and apologising. and telling me that she just told her family and they are going to the police, so I pushed my emotions again to the side. and this time I was completely logical.. and said that's the right thing to do, I'm sorry for what happened to her and before I even said anything she said she doesn't want me going to prison so I should leave me (in my mind I was wondering if she was protecting him. redpill thoughts can make you paranoid as well or think of some nasty truths.)

so when we spoke again I asked her where her friend was in all this.. the one who was supposed to be with her.. usually girls look out for one another, that's why they go out together. and she shouted at me calling me names and everything you can imagine..( saying she has been in the hospital getting questioned and now she is getting it from me) but in my mind when some you care about gets hurt often you want to know where their company was and why didn't they prevent it. not to say they always can but rather if they were there.. how did they miss any signs. and she was pissed at me.. didn't even want to talk to me. and said that she didn't want to press charges because she doesn't want to ruin the guys future or get interrogated. so she was dropping the case.
had to visit my mother and she could tell immediately that I was off. I hadn't eaten for three days. lost weight significantly.. lost lots of sleep. I was just a mess and had nightmares about the whole thing. vivid nightmares like I were seeing everything.. woke up in a cold sweat and everything. so I told my mother everything about the new issue giving me sleepless nights, she knew about our relationship.. and she said the way my girl was phrasing her texts, in the beginning, sounded like someone who made a grave mistake, like she may have been intoxicated, yes, but it wasn't not an offense. but either way, she is hurting and I need to be there for her, if after she is better and I feel I can't go on anymore then I can break things off. because in her words (a relationship that works should be one you want to have).
went back to my girl even though I was furious that she shouted at me and the whole thing hurt me too, I put my feelings aside. and focused on her.. but she wanted nothing to do with me. she wants me to leave her alone, she was done. and constantly even said more hurtful stuff to me. I just took it all and told her that she isn't think straight. that we will talk in person when she is done with what she is doing and is with reach. holidays maybe.. and she just left my texts unresponded to. and I said at that moment "I love you. I will give you space."
and during the next week my emotions about everything started surfacing bit by bit as I was waiting on her. and now my family is very close, my aunt(my mom's best friend and sister) passed, she was ill, and chaos in my family broke out, I'd never seen my mother cry like that ever in my life. spent the night at her place and she was crying in her sleep.. even around 2 am. and that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I just broke down emotionally, and I went of social media, turned of one of my phones and left another one.. while working at home on the funeral and getting my bearings..
all in the same week.. during the funeral as the casket goes down my girl texts me as tears are spilling out my eyes and I feel like I'm losing fluids on all holes, groggy and completely introverted.. she calls again.. and I don't answer it... it would be too much in that moment for me.. and I was honestly just trying to avoid losing it some more. (I've always tried to protect those I love and in no less than 13 days, two people I loved the most in this world experienced immense pain. do you know how painful it is to sit there holding your mother while she is wailing out her mind and you feel like there is nothing you could possibly do to make her feel better? the powerlessness of it)
my girl send another message saying she will be in town for a few minutes, she is passing through, and it was on the day of the funeral, right at the climax of it.. then in my mind, l don't want to lie, I was slightly mad at her at this moment, because I had been hurting since that point when I said we experience something I will not state(highlighted in bold above) and with all these events I've just been pushing my feelings aside with her distancing herself from me and still wanting me to be there for her. not taking my feeling into account.. and I've even said this to her that she has a tendency of forgetting that I'm human too, that I have feelings too... but during those times she would just say that I've just cultivated the idea in her head that I will always be there for her.. that she can depend on me but she doesn't want to share the empathy saying it takes away from her pain when she considers mine. she cant comfort me when she is hurt..(saying she can't save me when she needs to be saved herself). so it also made me not consider answering at that moment, wanted to sort my emotions on my own first
after not seeing my response she just nonchalantly says "I will take that as a no on the meetup" and I say nonchalantly because I could feel it. it was short and careless. when before she sent this I had sent a paragraph apologising and telling her to take her time. and that I loved her. we never, don't say I love you back. and she had done that to me knowingly. I don't know, I just felt I needed to put my self first. or at least not be this much of a mess if I'm going to go have to comfort someone else. and I had been doing that for so long that I felt entitled to this moment. needless to say, we didn't meet up.
got on social media again after two weeks had been off for 1 week.. and I check on her. she had been active even posted a picture.. a total of 3 weeks have passed for both of us not talking. I contact her asking her where she was, I wanted to see her, hopefully, talk the way I had intended at first. and she blows me off, saying after how long? why now? then said she went out with friends. I just ignored the other stuff and asked when she will be home, she said she might spend the night else were.. (she knew how to tease me and she was.) so I said alright when will you be back.. and she says I should answer her first questions. so I tell her. that I would prefer we talk face to face, cause things to get lost in translation. and she refuses. so I tell her about the funeral and she goes ham about it, saying I didn't tell her so it's not her fault. and she is right. I didn't, but just like she needed time I needed time... but either way. I did not tell her that I needed time when she just said she moved on with her life I said okay. and left her.

this part is hindsight, some guy pulled moves on her as she told him how I betrayed her and all by leaving her hanging. and when I contacted her she had already started flirting with him. (part of this feels quick because she dated the guy a couple of days after) makes me think that maybe its one of the other guys she had on the convos id come across. but anyway.. at the time I didn't know. but proceeded to move on, but I was broken started smoking and stuff. cut contact again. she blocked me on a lot of stuff. how do I know..?? friends would ask me about what she posts and I would tell them I don't know, but they still could see it, and I didn't bother to tell them we broke up again. just avoided it all until they asked.. to be honest, I just didn't want to think about it at all.
couldn't sleep, got nightmares left to right and centre. in larger social circles her friends would tell people that I broke up with her because she got into her misfortune.. that left my reputation and name in shambles. which really wasn't true because she broke up with me, again. would get friends calling me telling me how social media people say the have cancelled me and stuff. but thinking of sharing my own thoughts and point, I would stop myself because I would think maybe she will start getting asked again and it will create stress for her.. so I just kept my thoughts to myself, only told close friends when the asked just so they get the right idea. their thoughts were more important to me.

now this is where it all gets freaky.. remember I said I couldn't sleep? id get cold shivers and even see her in my dreams. waking up at 2 am in the morning. turns out she is my twin flame. trust me I am not quick to superstitions but after the months I had endured. not going to get into detail but it fell to this... twin flame. she told me that she would dream about me too. she even calls it manifesting. says she was on a spiritual journey. and to be honest I was on one too. and how we met again she sent me a message on Pinterest. three dots, and weird enough I usually don't use but Pinterest something told me to check it out, pin a couple of pictures, and I found the message with three dots... I responded with a question mark, she said sorry she didn't think i'd see it and respond.. and another time before that she sent me a message requesting for a call. when I did she said it was a mistake and I hung up. but this time I was pissed but calm, so I just say "what do you want, is this a mistake like last time" and she says it won't happen again. the night after, I experienced the most chilling dream ever, like I was losing something. it took me some time to fight my stubbornness but I eventually just contacted her on the same Pinterest that she used to get to me.. and she had been praying about it. we started talking again.. and we are dating again.
where there other girls for me? yes. one even treated me better than my girl did, and if I didn't get that spiritual vibe I honestly probably would have continued with the girl(we just took care of each other, she even felt we were of the same yoke,). but we weren't in a relationship, and I didn't love her and she knew, I didn't see myself getting married and made that clear. even now I am hesitant. because I've been through so much. and I feel like getting married is a much bigger vow, don't want to risk abandonment, especially since these days people don't take it that seriously, id rather she left as my girlfriend. now coming back together, we were honest again about everything, and this time she also had sex with other guys. ( before all this I was her first and only) but she just brushes it off saying they don't count, when I ask her why she just says she didn't cum, therefore she doesn't count them (honestly sometimes i just feel like she feeding me bullshit with this one. i just feel uneasy but she did say that the guy was a wolf in sheepskin) and she had broken up with the guy she says she dated after we broke up. she said she felt like she loved him until she realised she didn't and ended things.
but as far as my commitment, I just can't break up with her.. she just might break up with me again if that's her wish. we've kind of taken a dom/sub relationship, I'm am very dominant naturally but I can be a switch, she is a sub, and she enjoys it that way. sex life has become darker, with the consent of course. she is a brat, I'm not yet sure what I am, just that I'm dominant, we both have traumas but were working through them, which reminds me I need to get a collar...
i want your honest opinion, am I crazy? is my story unique at any point?
TL;DR
Ive been dating someone i really care about on and off for 6 years. but mostly because she breaks up with me and in that process we have gone through a lot in life. so much that even our sex life has become darker. and she often ignores my emotions to the point i feel like I'm considered a robot. but i have vivid dreams about her and so does she about me, but i just feel uneasy about her sometimes due to what has now become my abandonment issues though they are self diagnosed. she tells me that i have a saviour complex and her a victim complex..

Trouble in paradise, need another person's opinion

this is a tale of woe but I am hoping someone can help me find the rainbow.. so that I can feel I'm not just feeding myself bullshit if someone else can see it. it's about me and my girlfriend. i'm male dating female (no age specified). ive read a lot but never posted, recently created a account just to post this.
I'm not rich, just smart with my money, we started off as acquaintances, met in school. I didn't really love her, just liked her, felt there was something and decided to ask her out (she on the other hand really liked me, been crushing on me for a whole year, even tried dating some other guys to get over me but failed, at least that's what she eventually told me). she is from a poor background.. didn't know this at first.. but what she used to do for her family back home with her little allowance is one of the things that eventually led me to love her. fast forward in, I love her.. to death.. she couldn't afford winter clothes I took her shopping. she couldn't afford to eat because she sent some money back home... I paid for all her monthly expenses.. mind you we are students. and every now and there I would take her out. became a fortnight ritual(the standard student life couldn't afford to take anyone out unless you had extra money coming from somewhere else. the tuition was calculated to food, toiletry and transport, and just a few other school extras.) now we were doing engineering. meaning our school time was really intense. and couldn't always be around. so much that I even just started retiring my day at her place, just so at least we see each other. when I started it was all new and I still had a lot of my energy, but with time the work overload became too much. she loved my attention, sometimes would complain that I am not giving enough.. we were open in our relo, from basic behaviour to phones to sex. everything was put on the table. she loved our sex, would want it round after round. and I enjoyed that.. the desire. I'm a pleaser just in case this isn't obvious. so I get my high from fulfilling her pleasure. so I found myself stuck between having to perform in school, spoiling on dates and spending time, and sex... I had to be a 110 %. and each time I would try and adjust something to perform better at another the scales just wouldn't allow. soon I felt exhausted all the time. my money habits started changing so I couldn't spend as much, my grades went down, and the nail in the coffin was when she said I had changed in the sheets.
I paused to reflect. and reduced spending because it was killing my savings. reduced the sex, because I needed energy and time to read my books, and hoped that we could still get along chatting and hanging in between, now I have a very high sex drive, but every human has their limits when stacked with certain odds. and I focused more on my school. I've never cheated and in fact, I'm kind those guys that act dumb when other girls flirt with them when they are in a relo. bad for social reputation but I felt she was worth it. in fact. I wanted to marry her. she knew this...
another issue that popped up is self-care also went down the tubes.. like before I was always looking sharp. but taking care of her needs especially when she feels she doesn't look attractive or sending money back home... I would spare my own money for toys and clothes etc, to spend on her stuff, so she eats, looks good and everything, this was the only alternative I had in order not to ruin my savings schedule. in my opinion, I would rather sacrifice my looks than my savings. yes, I was wiped. I really loved this girl. and I did it all because of that. in school before all this. I think I can vouch to say I could get any get I wanted.. in fact. even while I was dating her, I still could.. but like I said I'm those stupid loyal to the core guys. I guess I just felt I found the one.. and believe me I was picky when I chose to date eventually. her taking care of her family back home made e think she was real and understood the real world and compassion and all that. not to say she doesn't now.. just explaining why it had a real sway on me when I started really loving her. thought she understood the value of sacrifice
She started flirting with other guys. And yes she looked stunning. Every day I prized myself in how much I take care of her, she had nice clothes, ate well, even better than most school students(even I at well, wouldn't sacrifice my meals, need that for studying) not to take away from her natural beauty, she was always beautiful. just didn't have the "drip", in case anyone thinks I'm painting the wrong idea. I was all attractive but my "drip" was taking a left turn. now I'm never really the uptight boyfriend. in fact, I would argue to say that I normally don't press a girl about anything harmless. but I catch her flirting with guys on her phone. remember our phones were open access.. she read my messages and I read hers.. it was just normal and not out of the ordinary, we would laugh about the people hitting on us and make jokes(eg she said once said she doesn't understand why she has to look out for both girls and guys when dating me, I'm hetero but have gay guys in my DMs too) anyway it was normal to find that as long as your not encouraging it, and she was encouraging it.
one guy, we will call him Tim, was always in her DMs acting like the good guy when we have a disagreement. while also throwing in how he lays goods and girls can't have enough of him. she said they are just friends. and I just excused it because I figured he was going overboard on his own, but one time we went out and when she saw the guy she screamed his name and jamp into his arms. and I was fuming... but didn't break it up.. just watched from a distance. let her do her thing.
just so your keeping record: I spend over a year or so without buying new clothes and looking sharp, just focused on the basics but made sure she looked good because she enjoyed it as well as took care of our other stuff like dates and stuff.. but not to say she didn't pay for dates when she could. but I digress, she would complain about the sex, saying I don't fuck her the same way I used to. that she used to come all the time, now she hates the feeling when she doesn't sometimes. or if we fuck, and I can't go the next rounds like I used to.. she would complain saying she didn't get satisfied. she would complain that I don't take care of myself as much anymore. and it's making her hate herself, and even complain that girls opinions now about me have changed, when before every girl would kill to be in a relo with me. (I'd get girls calling me selfish for not wanting to sleep with them), I would give my reasons why things have changed, starting now I am prioritizing... I'm just one man I can't be superman, especially since I am young and haven't built myself enough, maybe in future I will be able.. but for now, I can't be that guy who gets all the best grades in school while being able to spend time with my girlfriend and fuck her brains out like I used to and still have all the "drip", money and have other girls hitting on me without making my girl jealous.
sometimes I feel it was her turn on or something, the idea that other girls wanted me made her stay on her toes with me. but I didn't want her feeling that that's why I played dumb with them. I bought us a pair necklace for our anniversary, they link up to read something intimate, she broke up with me that same day. I honestly did not see it. in fact. in my head, these were just ups and downs and any relationship has them, but I was convinced that we could weather the storm. I went mad... and cut ties with her completely, never contacted her. completely lost it.
I started reading red pill stuff, I was just on edge. felt abandoned.. and I already had that problem from my relationship with my dad. which is a story for another time. my issues were I felt I was giving and sacrificing so much and she took it for granted. I felt so insulted. I remember even think "how dare she, me?!?! even after all I was doing." happened around our holiday, I became a really tough nut to crack. went travelling.. boat trips you name it, game reserve trips you name it, hotel living, fucking a new girl every two days, that Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and refused anything close to I love you from any girl after. but I was always upfront about.. that I did not want a relo, even when came back from my travels, I was still doing the same thing.
then one day I just felt worse. even more empty, so I stopped. the argument was one-day I'm going to look back at all this and it was for nothing. when I could have invested the energy in building my career or something more productive. and fulfilling. (but I established my regulars because I have a high libido, and they were not getting used or anything, it was their choice). tree months had passed, and my now ex calls me, I answer the phone, thinking maybe there is something urgent or serious. and I figured I need to work my way toward being indifferent so answering the call without losing it will help. and truth be told I was right. but not for the right reasons. it's more like I had just buried my pain than actually dealing with it. so I was indifferent but it just took something to push the feelings to the surface again. and another is I still loved her. she was the only girl I've ever loved. still is.. I've never gone that deep with anyone else. nd she was begging me to take her back, she was sorry, apologised and everything.. went on like this for 3 weeks. so I asked her why she broke up with me and she said she didn't know... it was just a feeling and it was stupid, believe me, I've tried to get a different answer from her but even till this day she says the same thing. I'm just concluding that it was our issue compounded over time and that some guy whispered sweet nothings into her ear and she took the bait. either way, I took her back but saying we will start from the beginning, but this time she has to earn my trust, once broken twice shy. I thought it fair, then to just kick her to the curb coupled with the fact that I still loved her.. she asked me if I had been sexually active. and even the number of people and times, I was honest about it all. even said that I still had girls that were waiting on me.. they only stopped because I took her back and asked them to chill. and that if she doesn't act right, I have no problem just continuing with these girls. (picking up where we left off). and she cried. told me that she didn't sleep with anyone. even though she had opportunities she didn't because to her it felt like she was cheating on me, even though she broke up with me. this would go on to be the spark of some of our new arguments.. her trying to pin this on me. but I would always tell her, I was and still am one of the most loyal guys out there... if she never broke up with me I would have never slept around as I did.. but in her eyes, it didn't matter.. because at the end of the day the reality hurt her feelings.
one of our most intense arguments when she tried to accuse me of not waiting on her or my sleeping around pushed me to tell her how fucked up I had become since our break up. that my abandonment issues are so high that I need therapy. and she knew about my dad so she could understand the full story. and I told her that its all her fault.. she wanted me to just trust her now. and no I still didn't bother her when she is talking to other guys or anything like that, I would just take note, and maybe think "okay I guess she wants us to be like this in the relo." but when I would do the same thing she would complain.. and I told her to leave. she refused but just cried there. and eventually, her crying got to me. and we kissed and made up. but she still had to earn the trust. mind you I never made it apparent that I didn't trust her, even among people, they wouldn't notice anything.. but because she knew me she could tell that I'm not quite the same.. but I thought that's fair... I can't force it and she must understand.
I still took care of her. because I personally can't see someone I love suffer and i was trying to give her that chance, be real about it. so I still took her out, fed her and all that.. but it was the distrust she didn't like. during sex, I did my best (i am a pleaser, that's my turn on) but was more reserved.. and needless to say there were guys. remember that guy time? well, he is about to make a dramatic entrance. but id just tells her that I like don't like how things look and feel. I can tell when a guy wants my girl and when he just wants to be friends. this should be obvious, just like I can tell when girls want me or just want friendship.
to avoid saying too much, for this part just know that something happened to the both of us that really shook our relo afterwards. so much that I even had to be strong for her and put my feelings aside. and she would start distancing herself from me. and I would complain about the distance saying we went through it together.. even my feelings were hurt so don't push me away. and another thing came in where we got separated.. so I would have to travel to come to see her. her friends hated me. (one funny moment was when one of her friends who is rude to me all the time, came to my girl's room to get food, while shit saying to me, and I was the one who bought the food she was now taking, but I didn't complain, wanted my girl to do that for me. stand her ground with her friends) for some reason the fact that when we broke up I fucked around she needed to vent to her friends so there are multiple possibilities as to why they hate me and coupled with the fact that she would feel my distrust and got tell her friends crying.. but anyway... I digress...
so I was away long-distance, it was soon to be my girls birthday, she wanted me there with her and I couldn't make it, work-related issues. but I bought her gifts and had them sent to her, even posted her all over my social media. she was complete all the way with my trust again but we were cool enough to post each other. she tells me she is going out with her girlfriend to celebrate, I tell her its cool, I hope she has fun. she leaves and I tell her goodnight because she won't find me awake.
in the morning we greet each other XOXO everything cool. and on that day I almost even sent her money but she didn't have her card because she was waiting on a new one so she wouldn't even be able to access the money. and other options were just tedious for me. so I postponed doing that. the day was just a regular convo day. the day after that. she sends me a text. says she has something to tell me and knows that it's a red limit for me. that if I find out I will break up with her. this was in the morning, right out of my sheets. I just felt dread come over me. but I told her to say whatever it is.. tried calling but she ignored and said she would prefer to text. so I sit there waiting. text bubble pops up. she says that the morning after the night she went out, she woke up and found used condom raps on her floor. and she is so sorry, she didn't remember anything because she just thought it was a dream. when she asked the guy who dropped them off, who she thought was her friend (Tim) he said they had sex, and he wishes they could have cuddled. and was even asking her if they could just date.. on the text she says when she heard this she got very furious but panicked and told him not to tell anyone and to stay away from her. she ended the messages saying she understands if I never talk to her again or break up with her.. she knows she crossed a boundary.
these messages were coming is slowly, I guess texting with emotion does that. on my end, I was boiling inside. losing myself. I wanted to go after that guy.. even had my friends ready for a road trip. I was seeing red... and in my mind, I had already told her that that guy wasn't good(i could tell he wanted something sexual from her and I had mentioned it before but she said they friends and so I backed off), but I didn't say it to her face at that moment. but I was seeing so much red that I went offline just for 15 minutes because everything from the beginning was just too much, even the feelings I had pushed aside to put her's first surfaced. within that 15 minutes, I found 5 missed call and 7 voice note messages of her crying and apologising. and telling me that she just told her family and they are going to the police, so I pushed my emotions again to the side. and this time I was completely logical.. said that's the right thing to do, I'm sorry for what happened to her and before I even said anything she said she doesn't want me going to prison so I should leave me (in my mind I was wondering if she was protecting him. redpill thoughts can make you paranoid as well or think of some nasty truths.) so when we spoke again I asked her where her friend was in all this.. the one who was supposed to be with her.. usually girls look out for one another, that's why they go out together. and she shouted at me calling me names and everything you can imagine..( saying she has been in the hospital getting questioned and now she is getting it from me) but in my mind when some you care about gets hurt often you want to know where their company was and why didn't they prevent it. not to say they always can but rather if they were there.. how did they miss any signs. and she was pissed at me.. didn't even want to talk to me. and said that she didn't want to press charges because she doesn't want to ruin the guys future or get interrogated. so she was dropping the case.
had to visit my mother and she could tell immediately that I was off. I hadn't eaten for three days. lost weight significantly.. lost lots of sleep. I was just a mess and had nightmares about the whole thing. vivid nightmares like I were seeing everything.. woke up in a cold sweat and everything. so I told my mother everything about the new issue giving me sleepless nights, she knew about our relationship.. and she said the way my girl was phrasing her texts, in the beginning, sounded like someone who made a grave mistake, like she may have been intoxicated, yes, but it wasn't rape. but either way, she is hurting and I need to be there for her, if after she is better and I feel I can't go on anymore then I can break things off. because in her words (a relationship that works should be one you want to have).
went back to my girl even though I was furious that she shouted at me and the whole thing hurt me too, I put my feelings aside. and focused on her.. but she wanted nothing to do with me. she wants me to leave her alone, she was done. and constantly even said more hurtful stuff to me. I just took it all and told her that she isn't think straight. that we will talk in person when she is done with what she is doing and is with reach. holidays maybe.. and she just left my texts unresponded to. and I said at that moment "I love you. I will give you space."
and during the next week my emotions about everything started surfacing bit by bit as I was waiting on her. and now my family is very close, my aunt(my mom's best friend and sister) passed, she was ill, and chaos in my family broke out, I'd never seen my mother cry like that ever in my life. spent the night at her place and she was crying in her sleep.. even around 2 am. and that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I just broke down emotionally, and I went of social media, turned of one of my phones and left another one.. while working at home on the funeral and getting my bearings..
all in the same week.. during the funeral as the casket goes down my girl texts me as tears are spilling out my eyes and I feel like I'm losing fluids on all holes, groggy and completely introverted.. she calls again.. and I don't answer it... it would be too much in that moment for me.. and I was honestly just trying to avoid losing it some more. (I've always tried to protect those I love and in no less than 13 days, two people I loved the most in this world experienced immense pain. do you know how painful it is to sit there holding your mother while she is wailing out her mind and you feel like there is nothing you could possibly do to make her feel better? the powerlessness of it)
my girl send another message saying she will be in town for a few minutes, she is passing through, and it was on the day of the funeral, right at the climax of it.. then in my mind, l don't want to lie, I was slightly mad at her at this moment, because I had been hurting since that point when I said we experience something I will not state(highlighted in bold above) and with all these events I've just been pushing my feelings aside with her distancing herself from me and still wanting me to be there for her. not taking my feeling into account.. and I've even said this to her that she has a tendency of forgetting that I'm human too, that I have feelings too... but during those times she would just say that I've just cultivated the idea in her head that I will always be there for her.. that she can depend on me but she doesn't want to share the empathy saying it takes away from her pain when she considers mine. she cant comfort me when she is hurt..(saying she can't save me when she needs to be saved herself). so it also made me not consider answering at that moment, wanted to sort my emotions on my own first
after not seeing my response she just nonchalantly says "I will take that as a no on the meetup" and I say nonchalantly because I could feel it. it was short and careless. when before she sent this I had sent a paragraph apologising and telling her to take her time. and that I loved her. we never, don't say I love you back. and she had done that to me knowingly. I don't know, I just felt I needed to put my self first. or at least not be this much of a mess if I'm going to go have to comfort someone else. and I had been doing that for so long that I felt entitled to this moment. needless to say, we didn't meet up.
got on social media again after two weeks had been off for 1 week.. and I check on her. she had been active even posted a picture.. a total of 3 weeks have passed for both of us not talking. I contact her asking her where she was, I wanted to see her, hopefully, talk the way I had intended at first. and she blows me off, saying after how long? why now? then said she went out with friends. I just ignored the other stuff and asked when she will be home, she said she might spend the night else were.. (she knew how to tease me and she was.) so I said alright when will you be back.. and she says I should answer her first questions. so I tell her. that I would prefer we talk face to face, cause things to get lost in translation. and she refuses. so I tell her about the funeral and she goes ham about it, saying I didn't tell her so it's not her fault. and she is right. I didn't, but just like she needed time I needed time... but either way. I did not tell her that I needed time when she just said she moved on with her life I said okay. and left her.
this part is hindsight, some guy pulled moves on her as she told him how I betrayed her and all by leaving her hanging. and when I contacted her she had already started flirting with him. (part of this feels quick because she dated the guy a couple of days after) makes me think that maybe its one of the other guys she had on the convos id come across. but anyway.. at the time I didn't know. but proceeded to move on, but I was broken started smoking and stuff. cut contact again. she blocked me on a lot of stuff. how do I know..?? friends would ask me about what she posts and I would tell them I don't know, but they still could see it, and I didn't bother to tell them we broke up again. just avoided it all until they asked.. to be honest, I just didn't want to think about it at all.
couldn't sleep, got nightmares left to right and centre. in larger social circles her friends would tell people that I broke up with her because she got raped.. that left my reputation and name in shambles. which really wasn't true because she broke up with me, again. would get friends calling me telling me how social media people say the have cancelled me and stuff. but thinking of sharing my own thoughts and point, I would stop myself because I would think maybe she will start getting asked again and it will create stress for her.. so I just kept my thoughts to myself, only told close friends when the asked just so they get the right idea. their thoughts were more important to me.
now this is where it all gets freaky.. remember I said I couldn't sleep? id get cold shivers and even see her in my dreams. waking up at 2 am in the morning. turns out she is my twin flame. trust me I am not quick to superstitions but after the months I had endured. not going to get into detail but it fell to this... twin flame. she told me that she would dream about me too. she even calls it manifesting. says she was on a spiritual journey. and to be honest I was on one too. and how we met again she sent me a message on Pinterest. three dots, and weird enough I usually don't use but Pinterest something told me to check it out, pin a couple of pictures, and I found the message with three dots... I responded with a question mark, sne she said sorry she didn't think id see it and respond.. and another time before that she sent me a message requesting for a call. when I did she said it was a mistake and I hung up. but this time I was pissed but calm, so I just say "what do you want, is this a mistake like last time" and she says it won't happen again. the night after, I experienced the most chilling dream ever, like I was losing something. it took me some time to fight my stubbornness but I eventually just contacted her on the same Pinterest that she used to get to me.. and she had been praying about it. we started talking again.. and we are dating again.
where there other girls for me? yes. one even treated me better than my girl did, and if I didn't get that spiritual vibe I honestly probably would have continued with the girl(we just took care of each other, she even felt we were of the same yoke,). but we weren't in a relationship, and I didn't love her and she knew, I didn't see myself getting married and made that clear. even now I am hesitant. because I've been through so much. and I feel like getting married is a much bigger vow, don't want to risk abandonment, especially since these days people don't take it that seriously, id rather she left as my girlfriend. now coming back together, we were honest again about everything, and this time she also had sex with other guys. ( before all this I was her first and only) but she just brushes it off saying they don't count, when I ask her why she just says she didn't cum, therefore she doesn't count them (honestly sometimes i just feel like she feeding me bullshit with this one. i just feel uneasy but she did say that the guy was a wolf in sheepskin) and she had broken up with the guy she says she dated after we broke up. she said she felt like she loved him until she realised she didn't and ended things.
but as far as my commitment, I just can't break up with her.. she just might break up with me again if that's her wish. we've kind of taken a dom/sub relationship, I'm am very dominant naturally but I can be a switch, she is a sub, and she enjoys it that way. sex life has become darker, with the consent of course. she is a brat, I'm not yet sure what I am, just that I'm dominant, we both have traumas but were working through them, which reminds me I need to get a collar...
i want your honest opinion, am I crazy?

She's Thinking of Her All the While (Bonora fanfiction): Chapter 3

These haven't been getting much attention and if this one goes the same way it might be the last chapter I post here. But I'm proud of this one and I hope anyone who reads enjoys. Also accessible on Archive of Our Own.
Soundtrack:

Frosty - "Frosty the Snowman" from The Snowman EP (keep an open mind this song is HEAT)
Billie Eilish - "wish you were gay" from WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?
My Bloody Valentine - "All I Need" from Isn't Anything
Interpol - "NYC" from Turn on the Bright Lights
Polmo Polpo - "Romeo Heart" from Like Hearts Swelling

“Do I... know you?”
“I shouldn’t think so.”
“Who are you? What is this place?”
“I will answer your questions in good time. But first there is a conversation we must have.”
“A conversation?”
“How did you get here, Bonnie? How did you come to be standing in your Grams’ living room with me across from you?”
“How the hell do you know my... wait. I don’t remember how I got here. I haven’t even been to Mystic Falls in years. What’s going on?”
“Think, Bonnie. Think about what happened. What sent you here. What caused you to be here.”
“I remember I... Damon was trying to... and the fire everywhere and then they... they came at me their faces were... oh no. Oh my God no.”
“Say it out loud. Assert it. Believe it. This is important.”
“I’m... dead. I’m dead.”
“Exquisite. It takes most people much, much longer. Not you, though, Bonnie Bennett, not you.”
“You promised to answer my questions. If I’m dead then why I am here? With you?”
“I will need to tell you many things before my explanation will make sense. But to begin, let me introduce myself. My name is Arcadius.”

December 6, 2013
Bonnie isn’t usually a fan of loud music. She prefers it in the background, hovering at a level just below conversation, audible but unintrusive, or turned to a volume comfortable for her ears if it’s flowing through the wires of her headphones. Loud music is something undesirable, an annoyance: burbles up through the seams of someone else’s fun, shakes the floorboards and the bedframe when one is trying to sleep, tears tranquility.
But right now it isn’t loud enough. It can’t be loud enough. On the sprawling, beer-soaked dance floor, packed to the brim with sweaty twenty-somethings, all time and space slips away and Bonnie is a searing flame in slow motion, everyone else turning around her, the galaxy’s center. She feels unstoppable in her stylish, extremely flattering dress from the mysterious Freya, its simple sweeps of well-aerated polyester hugging her curves perfectly, its defiant scarlet a spark of heat amidst the low light and masses of dark clothing. Either this Freya was an expert seamstress and had been stalking her for the express purpose of fitting her for a dress; or—and Bonnie can’t believe this is actually the more likely scenario—given that she lives in New Orleans, she’s a witch. Either way, it seems prudent to get in touch, but for now no thought about magic or mysterious gifts or possible portents enters her mind. There is nothing else to think about other than the pounding bass of DJ Krampu$’s surprisingly high-quality Christmas song remixes and the movement of her own body. Grace and Anika and their friend Sung-Ho—a tall second-year she met briefly who only seemed to know two words: “lacrosse” and “bro”—are nearby and she’s grateful for them and the free drinks they gave her before they all drove over but no mere college student can join Bonnie in this intense, therapeutic catharsis of movement and rhythm, no one except her can truly understand the weight of things she’s seen and done and how euphorically liberating it is when that weight lifts for even a millisecond, no one except—
“Is that... Beau?” she asks no one.
“WHAT?” Grace yells, not hearing the words Bonnie spoke at normal volume for obvious reasons.
Bonnie makes the universal don’t worry about it gesture at her and Grace shrugs and goes back to dancing. Yes, she’s sure now, that is Beau over there, and the sight of yet another heretic at her school has forcibly removed Bonnie from her moment of timeless bliss, and she is pissed . She storms toward him, not-so-gently nudging the throng of dancing bodies out of her warpath, finally reaching the spot near the back of the club where he leans against the wall of the hallway leading to the bathrooms.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
Beau, startled, drops his mesmerized gaze from the obscenely large red, green, and white disco ball that hangs from the building’s high ceiling. He gives her a questioning look and cocks his head slightly to the side.
“Don’t play dumb with me. First Nora shows up at the bar, now you’re here? I know you’re planning something.”
Beau closes his eyes and shakes his head vehemently. He sets the two drinks he’s holding on a stray chair next to them. He points to the disco ball, then to the mass of people, then brings his hands near his chest and gyrates his shoulders in an awkward dance.
“Do you really expect me to believe you just came here to dance?” Beau shrugs earnestly, as if to say, it’s the truth. Bonnie thinks she believes him but she’s not ready to be nice just yet. She prepares to resume her interrogation when a familiar voice floats toward her ears.
“Hey, Beau did you get the—”
Bonnie turns her head enough to see Nora just as Nora sees Bonnie. She’s just come out of the bathroom and looks incredible in a short, modestly lacy dress, gently cinched at the waist and flaring out in folds of stiffer night-black fabric at the bottom. But Bonnie doesn’t see the dress at first because the two’s eyes lock as soon as their gazes intersect, an electricity that each either neglects or refuses to acknowledge surging through the space between them, and again time itself seems to melt like a forgotten candle.
Nora is the first to break the standoff, seeing Beau shoot a curious look at her in her peripheral vision. “Bonnie. How unexpected,” she greets, probably subconsciously but perhaps intentionally echoing words said to her just a day earlier.
“Nora.”
Upon seeing Bonnie the heretic’s posture immediately changes. She’s more nervous, unsure; anxiously tugs at the skirt of her dress. “Is it okay that we’re here? Beau and I didn’t have anything to do, and I haven’t been on campus long but not having anything to do on a Friday night seems to be a capital crime around here.” She smiles a bit. “But we don’t want to...”
“So it’s really true. You’re just here to dance.”
“Is that so hard to believe? It’s difficult to go out and do things, let alone find ways to have fun at all, when one sits desiccated in the same spot for a century. We’re just people, just like you.”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant…” Bonnie chuckles. “It’s just funny, you know? To see people who might have tried to kill me a few weeks ago at a dance club.”
“I know, Bonnie, I know, which is why we’re totally fine with going somewhere else if—”
“No.” Bonnie puts her hands on Nora’s shoulders. She doesn’t notice the brunette softly shudder at her touch. “Stay. Have fun. As long as it keeps you from eating people.” She looks at both heretics now. “No eating people, can we agree on that?”
Beau nods. “Of course,” Nora agrees. “We’ve actually... we haven’t been feeding from the vein. I saw how well your friend Caroline does with the blood bags and well... I told you I was never the biggest fan of the violence that comes with being a member of our species. A nonviolent solution for sustenance seems the right thing to do, and luckily it’s a lot easier to access properly preserved blood in the 21st century.”
“Thank you for telling me. That makes me feel a lot safer.” Bonnie turns her head. “And a lot less concerned about the wellbeing of my fellow students.” It sounds like sarcasm coming out of her mouth, but she’s being genuine. What a world.
“You no longer need to worry about us, Bonnie. I can’t speak for Julian or Mary Louise, but Beau, Valerie, and I have completely abandoned our old ways. I don’t expect you to believe me right now, but I will prove myself to the point that someday you will. I promise you that.”
Bonnie is speechless. She opens her mouth as if to respond and then closes it again. Then she smiles. “That means a lot, Nora. I also appreciate that you seem to somehow understand how much it means.”
Their eyes are locked again, the barest hint of a smile on each pair of lips. Beau makes a raspy gurgling noise that Bonnie interprets as him clearing his throat. They both look at him. He holds up his empty drink glass and gestures toward the bar. “Yes, of course, go! You’re a grown man aren’t you?” Nora says, laughing. Beau grins at her before turning and walking around the edge of the dance floor to the front of the club. Bonnie squints her eyes, grabs the bridge of her nose, and shakes her head vigorously as if shirking a fog that had gathered around her head. Why do people keep catching us like this?
“So...”
The witch looks up to see Nora with her arms behind her back, slightly slinging her weight from side to side adorably tapping the toes of her high-heeled feet on the floor in front of her. “So,” Bonnie echoes.
“Care for a drink?” Nora asks before gulping down the last of whatever obscure pale green concoction swirled in the martini glass.
“Absolutely,” Bonnie responds, not too excitedly, finishing the full sentence in her head: ...because I’m not even remotely drunk enough for this at the moment. This. Whatever the hell “this” is. Bonnie hasn’t the faintest idea. She’s never been attracted to another girl before. It’s not that she’s opposed to the idea, but rather that her brain can use precedent as more evidence for why absolutely nothing is going on between her and Nora. Nora, the almost 200-year-old mass murderer. Nora, the evil heretic that Bonnie did everything in her power to prevent from escaping the prison world. Nora, the vengeful vampire who tortured Caroline and butchered Matt’s academy class and killed God knows how many more people in Mystic Falls and
Nora, who stands with her arm outstretched, holding her hand out to Bonnie, almost absent-mindedly, almost as if it’s just instinct, wordlessly asking her to take it.
She does.

* * \*
“Okay, so... first question: I don’t even know your last name.” Bonnie giggles. They’ve done a few shots and are each nursing a vodka cranberry; Nora surreptitiously spikes hers with small vials of blood she’s packed in her purse. “That’s not a question.” They’re both on the south end of tipsy and decided to interview each other. Beau is on the other side of the bar talking to the gorgeous bartender who has to be at least 5’9”, making her laugh with every sentence he writes in the small notebook he passes to her. “What’s your last name?”
“Hildegard.” Nora downs the rest of the crimson cocktail. Now she’s the one not drunk enough. “I’m not exactly up front about it because, well... the Hildegards were awful. To everyone, and especially to me. To think—we get out of that loathsome place after more than a century only to see the Gemini coven is still as cruel and hateful as it’s always been…” she gestures for a refill to the stocky, swarthy bartender manning their side of the bar. “They were so loving. Right up until the moment they discovered I was broken. I think I was about four or five when I accidentally siphoned some random old trinket in the house. Then it was off to this horrible, cold, dusty house where they experimented on us with spells and potions and countless other things to try and ‘fix’ us. That’s where I met Mary Louise.” She smiles at the bartender as he brings her the new drink, blinking away tears from her eyes as quickly as they’ve formed. “We grew up in there together. Valerie too. Some other girls. They kept the boys somewhere else. We barely ever saw the light of day until Julian came. Knowing now what he’s done, the people, the children he’s killed, what he did to Valerie... I still think of his face that day. At first it was that of the devil: fangs, popping veins, red eyes, you know. But then it softened. He saw our pale emaciated hopeless faces and knew he needed to save us. I cherished that memory through the hardest parts of our journey. I was 14. Mary Louise two years my senior. They did more to her since she was the eldest. She scared them, I think. So I know why she sided with him. We had nothing, worse than nothing, and then we had him. But Valerie was our sister long before that; Mary Louise just refuses to see it.” Nora laughs bitterly. “You asked for my last name and here I am on a tearful tangent about my ex. Some conversationalist I am.”
Bonnie ignores the nervous backpedaling. “I get the sense that you’ve never really said any of this out loud to anyone before,” she says with as much compassion as she can muster.
Nora’s eyes widen, ever so slightly. “I haven’t, no.”
“Then that’s good . I am here to listen to you. Because talking about things helps.”
“Thank you, Bonnie.”
“What happened to the others? The girls who were with you when Julian came?”
“They were much younger. Died during our voyage east. Crossing America was no cakewalk in those days. If we hadn’t had a vampire tour guide we’d never have made it anywhere.”
“I’m sorry. Should I even ask you questions about it? Does that make it worse?”
“Not at all. It happened, whether I like it or not. And you’re right, it’s good to say it aloud. It feels good.”
“I’m glad.”
They just stare at each other, in silence, for the briefest of moments.
“How about we transition to less gloomy subject matter? Back to the interviewing, but let’s keep it simple.” Nora’s starting to slur her words a bit. It’s absolutely adorable. Bonnie smiles. “As you can see, I’m not exactly in a state for anything more than simple.”
“Me neither.” Bonnie gestures to herself and how she’s sort of half sitting half slumped on the bar stool, one leg slung haphazardly over the other with that distinctly drunken carelessness, except she gestures with her drink hand, causing a sizeable amount of vodka cranberry to slosh onto the floor, narrowly missing the bottom hem of the dress.
They look at each other again and burst out laughing. “That’s quite the disaster you just dodged,” Nora says between giggles.
“Oh, it wouldn’t be no thing. I haven’t told you about my Grams’ legendary stain removal spell?”
“What? You’re having a laugh.”
“Not at all. It is Sheila Bennett’s greatest legacy. Puts the white-eyebrowed alien man himself to shame.”
“White-eyebrowed alien man?” “Mr. Clean! Here, I’ll show you a picture.” Why does she feel the need to show her a picture? A text from Grace. Two texts from Grace. Where are you? and Hey sorry we couldn’t find you, we’re leaving to go a house party, let us know if you need a ride . “Ha!” Bonnie doesn’t laugh; she says the word out loud. “Some friends.”
“Sorry?” “The people from my dorm who gave me a ride here. They ditched me. I could be passed out in the trunk of some guy’s car for all they know. ‘Couldn’t find’ me? We’re sitting right at the goddamn bar!”
“They sound like arseholes.”
“Yeah, tell me about it! What the hell.” Bonnie sighs and chucks her phone back in her purse, sobered up a bit, Mr. Clean forgotten. “I knew it was too good to be true, finding new friends right after I finally realized how shitty of one Damon is and that I don’t have any others who are actually here with me.”
“I hate to break it to you, Bonnie, but your generation of humans is, by and large, quite abhorrent. I’ve been here less than a year, and the things I’ve seen just normal people do... did you know this summer Valerie got hit by a car and the devil-children just drove away?”
“Jeez. Almost makes up for how many of them you killed.”
Nora looks at her.
“Hey,” Bonnie protests, “you said it yourself: ‘it happened, whether I like it or not.’ And that means we can make horribly tasteless jokes about it.”
“I’m not sure I follow your logic, but I suppose you’re right. I can’t force you to forget.”
“No, you can’t. But I can forgive. And I do. I forgive you.”
Nora’s lips tremble. “You do?” “I do. But I’m not so sure about Caroline. Pretty sure about Matt. I’d wager you could win Damon over. In any case, if you’re going to be around, going to school here, you have more than just me to prove yourself to.”
“I know that. And I am working on it, I promise you.”
“Thank you.” They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Suddenly Nora says, “Me.”
Bonnie looks at her, uncomprehending. “What?”
Nora laughs. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget that other people can’t hear the conversations I have in my head. I had a lot of those when I was desiccated. I meant, you have me. You said you don’t have any other friends here with you. But I’m here.”
“Yes, you are.” Bonnie’s never really looked at her eyes this close. They’re a beautiful light emerald green that dances as it reflects the flashing, sweeping streams of color being beamed from the ceiling. “I like talking to you.” Wow, she really is drunk.
“I like talking to you too.” Nora shifts like she can’t decide whether to move closer to or away from Bonnie.
The witch notices and, as it’s getting kind of late and the room is starting to get so humid that her dress is sticking to her skin and her feet hurt from dancing and she’s feeling comfortably warm and fuzzy from all the alcohol but mostly for a reason she doesn’t understand at all, blurts out, “Hey, do you want to get out of here?”
“I—” Nora glances across the bar.
Bonnie forgot about Beau. The realization sobers her up from the Bonnie she’d been when she blurted out the question. Then she looks at Beau, laughing at something the bartender is saying to him as she pours a drink, and realizes that not only would inviting Beau cover up her initial meaning, but also that she could imagine worse scenarios than hanging out with who, at the end of the day, are two people that know how to have a good time. Truly a wonderful substance, alcohol. “Yeah, of course!” she says in response to a question that wasn’t actually asked.
“Sorry?” Nora’s confused.
“I meant Beau should come too.”
“Oh.” Is that gratitude? Disappointment? “Hold on, I’ll ask him.” Nora waves her hand at Beau, who’s so wrapped up in his conversation he doesn’t see it for about thirty seconds or so before noticing and focusing his ears on her. Bonnie can’t tell what Nora’s saying; she’s whispering behind her hand. Beau shakes his head. Nora looks surprised, doesn’t say anything but gives him a look that seems to say are you sure? He jerked his head toward the bartender, who was currently serving someone else, and then raised his eyebrows twice in quick succession with a smile. Bonnie’s laughing now. This man’s been stuck in a time capsule of 1903 for over a century and he has game ? I suppose the not-talking thing doesn’t hurt. If only literally every other man in the world could learn that skill.
Nora’s looking at Beau with an expression that’s half wordlessly saying you sly dog and half responsible guardian face, even though Bonnie is pretty sure that Beau is much older than Nora. Beau holds up his cell phone and flashes a reassuring smile, as if to say, I’ll be fine. What neither Nora nor Bonnie know is that even if Beau weren’t chatting up the sexy bartender he’d probably still stay behind. It’s been a long time since he’s been a wingman for someone. He wants to do it right.
“Well, apparently my brother has adapted to this world far more quickly than anyone, especially me, could imagine,” Nora says with a bit of bewilderment but mostly pride as she turns to face Bonnie again. “And I thought I was getting the hang of things.”
“You are,” Bonnie reassures. “I saw your Instagram. It’s very nice.”
“Well if you could just help me understand what this bloody social media thing even is anyway then…”
“But you never answered.”
“What?”
Whether it’s the alcohol buzz, the energy of a room filled with so many moving people, the power of a killer dress, or something else, Bonnie is confident now. The uncertainty is completely gone. She doesn’t regret asking in the first place, and she doesn’t regret it when she asks again. “Do you want to get out of here?”
Nora doesn’t look right to Beau this time. She’s looking at Bonnie already, and remains doing so. “I would love nothing more.”

* * \*
Bonnie is doubled over with laughter, having to clutch the railing of the staircase leading up to her floor to keep from collapsing. “I can’t take you anywhere, I swear,” she says in gasps.
“What’s so funny? I was simply being chivalrous!” Nora had kissed the cheek of their turbaned, bushy-bearded Lyft driver upon reaching the dorm, his face reddening endearingly as she said to him in her most regal English voice, “Your selfless generosity will not be forgotten.” Bonnie knows the exact quote because she repeated out loud several times in uncontrollable mirth after explaining the concept of rideshare to Nora, who was under the impression a random gentleman just happened to pull up at just the right moment and give them a ride out of the goodness of his heart.
“I still don’t understand how he actually gets the money.” Nora’s putting on a petulant act, sulking a bit, but mostly trying to not laugh along with Bonnie, whose guffaws have quieted to chuckles.
The witch holds up her phone the way Beau did at the bar. “Comes right out of my account. And look, we can rate our drive with Sai! I say a solid five stars: special bonus for his ‘selfless generosity’ and gentlemanly kiss-receiving etiquette.”
“Alright, you’ve made your point. I’m a musty old Victorian vestige and you’re just the most savvy new age gal who ever lived.” “Aw, hey,” Bonnie says in a playfully mock-comforting tone as they finally reach the door of her room. She sniffs exaggeratedly. “You’re not... musty.”
“Hilarious. HILARIOUS.” Nora’s given up her poker face and is laughing now too as she follows Bonnie through the foyer. “You have... a fireplace?”
Bonnie doesn’t think about it because the booze still flows in her blood and she’s focused on Nora, but this is the first time she’s come back to her room at night without at least running her hand over the set of drawers that Elena used to keep her stuff in. Her and Caroline had decided to keep it in the room as a reminder. But somehow, Bonnie’s not thinking about Elena right now.
“Yeah... quite bougie, I know…”—Nora shoots her a quizzical look—“oh it just means super fancy or rich, I mean a fireplace in a college dorm? My mom says hers was half the size of this and had a horrible cold hard tile floor, so I guess I lucked out. By having a very determined vampire with the ability to compel an apparently stubborn student housing coordinator, that is.”
“That does help.” Nora plops down in one of the armchairs. “So are you going to build one for your chilly guest or not?” She wraps her arms around herself and does a theatrical shiver.
“Oh, sure, just put your feet up anywhere too, why don’t you,” Bonnie shoots back. “I am going to build one,”—she’s pulling some pieces of wood out of the metal bucket to the side of hearth and throwing them onto the grate—“but not”—she takes a deep breath and whispers incendia, flames instantly igniting the pile of small logs—“because you asked me to.”
“Oh? Why then?” Nora asks, warming her hands, then nodding at Bonnie’s wordless offer of a drink.
Bonnie pours them two glasses of bourbon—ugh, damn him, he really has corrupted her—and hands Nora one before striding over to her bookcase and grabbing the small wooden chest she uses to prop up her Grams’ grimoire. “To conceal a different kind of smoke, of course.” She sits down in the chair next to Nora’s and pulls one of several neatly rolled joints out of the chest. “Wanna get high?”
Nora looks at her quizzically. “High?”
“Yeah.” Bonnie didn’t really think about this. “You didn’t have, uh, cannabis back then? Marijuana? Weed? Devil’s lettuce?”
“Oh! Is it like opium? I’ve had that a few times. That was nice.”
Bonnie barks a startled laugh. “No, no, nothing like that. It just takes the edge off. For me, at least. When I was in high school I used to think drugs and the people who used them were below me. I was kind of a judgy snob in general for most of my teenage years.” She sighs. “My ex changed my mind about it. Some of my best memories of him are the conversations we’d have while sharing a joint or something. I haven’t seen him since I got out of the prison world, but the smoking has really helped. It’s like I still have a piece of him with me, because I can’t have the whole thing. And like I said, it takes the edge off.” Nora’s face is solemn. “I’m sorry about your ex. Do you still love him?”
Bonnie didn’t expect that question, and she also didn’t expect how easily the answer comes: “No. I moved on a long time ago, I think, and so did he. Not only is it pretty much impossible to rebuild a relationship after one person thinks the other is dead for a whole summer, but we’d also just become different people. I still think about him so much because focusing on losing him is somehow easier to handle than everything else, if that makes sense.”
“It does,” Nora reassures. “I can’t imagine having to go through that. Coming back to life, I mean.”
“Well, luckily I didn’t have to add ‘adapting to a new century’ to my to-do list,” Bonnie jokes back. She takes a sip of bourbon. “Hey, didn’t we agree to quit it with the gloomy talk?”
“For us it’s near impossible to avoid, it seems.”
“Well let’s try our best, shall we?”
They sit in silence for a few moments, the only sound in the dusky, amber-lit room the crackles and pops of the fire.
At the exact same time, Bonnie says “Well I didn’t mean we shouldn’t talk at all” and Nora says “So are we gonna smoke that or what?”
They both laugh at the clash. “Do you really want to?” Bonnie asks, surprised.
“I’m a 169-year-old vampire/witch hybrid. I think I can handle ground-up bits of a plant wrapped in paper.”
Bonnie laughs. “That’s the spirit.” She presses her thumb and forefinger to the end of the joint. To her delight, it smolders orange as if it were lit with a lighter; she’s been practicing small wordless spells but still isn’t 100% at it. She takes a drag, holds it in her lungs for a bit, turns slightly to see Nora examining her as if she’s a particularly fascinating animal at the zoo, and breaks out in a fit of coughing laughter.
“Well aren’t I just the funniest thing in the world to you tonight?” Nora remarks incredulously, smiling at Bonnie’s watering eyes as she continues to cough-laugh.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Bonnie sits back up and wipes the tears from her face. She hits the joint again and passes it to Nora, who accepts it delicately, as if it were a priceless piece of jewelry. “You’re just, I don’t know. You make me laugh.”
Bonnie wasn’t sure if that came across too mean—she can already feel her thoughts starting to melt a bit at the edges—but Nora smiles and she immediately feels better. “Well, Bonnie Bennett, you are lucky that I happen to love listening to you laugh.” She brings the joint up to her lips and inhales, not seeing Bonnie open her mouth, about to explain the proper procedure, just the witch’s impressed expression as she blows out a thick cloud of smoke without so much as a cough. “Vampire lungs,” she says with a cute smile and miniature curtsy, before taking a second hit. She passes it back to Bonnie. “See? No big—”
Bonnie's grin spreads from ear to ear as she watches Nora’s eyes start to unfocus and her lips form a peaceful, careless smile. “Not much of a vampire tolerance though, I guess?” she quips with a chuckle.
An awestruck “ohh” is all Nora has to offer in response. She slumps back into her chair and stares at the fire. Bonnie puffs on the joint a bit and then puts it out; Nora’s clearly good to go and her own tolerance is pretty low from mostly abstaining during finals week. But the last few are enough for the warm waves to wash over Bonnie as well, and she too sinks into the embracing coziness of her chair. “Do you mind if I put on some music?”
“Ohh,” Nora says again.
Bonnie explodes in a fit of silent giggles. She composes herself. “Okay, well just let me know if you’d rather I turned it off.” She quickly taps to her nighttime playlist, realizes she’s in the wrong app, closes out of it, forgets why she has her phone, oh yeah the music, goes to Spotify, plays the playlist. The first song is “NYC” by Interpol. Well that’s perfect .
Bonnie sits up and looks over as the song starts. Nora looks a bit alarmed at first, looks around rapidly before seeing the speaker nearest her, then relaxes and leans back, closing her eyes this time. Bonnie does the same. The room fills with reverb-soaked guitars, rolling drums, wistful croons. It’s at a volume level such that the burning of the fire can still be heard. The sound of the two together is magical.
After a few minutes of the song, Nora says, “I’ve never felt this comfortable in my entire life.” She sighs contentedly.
A sudden realization causes Bonnie’s eyes to light up. “You know what would be even more comfortable? If we changed out of these damn dresses!” Nora joins her in looking down and sees that they’re both still wearing their slightly sweaty evening wear. They burst out laughing. “Look at us, the most bougie fireplace-hogs the world has ever seen,” Nora says.
“Hey, there you go!” Bonnie exclaims, complimenting her use of the word. “Wait. The hell is a ‘fireplace hog’?”
“That’s what I called the boarders who took up all the space in front of the fire in the hostels where we stayed.” Nora could continue but she knows talking about her past can only lead back to gloom. So instead she changes the subject by saying something she’s been wanting to say all night. Takes a deep breath, then, “You look absolutely beautiful in that dress.”
The whole night, no one, not the so-called ‘friends’ who’d given her a ride, not the guys who kept trying to dance with her at the club, no one had complimented her dress. “Thank you, Nora. You look stunning too.”
The heretic blushes. Bonnie’s glad because she didn’t want to sound like she was just echoing the compliment—she really means it. “I’m overstaying my welcome, aren’t I?” Nora suddenly asks, starting to get up out of the chair. “What? No!” Bonnie answers. “It’s like”—she checks her phone—“not even midnight! And what are you planning to do exactly, walk home? I can’t let you do that by yourself!” “You forget I’m a vampire, Bonnie. I can take care of myself. Besides, I can probably get Beau to pick me up.”
“Yeah, except the only reason you’re leaving is because of some perceived violation of my hospitality,” Bonnie says as she lightly grabs Nora’s arm before she can leave the chair. “I am inviting you to stay.”
“What do you mean?” Nora’s bright green eyes are streaked with red and glazed over, but something briefly sparks in them nonetheless. Hope? Fear? Bonnie can’t tell.
“You can spend the night here. Caroline almost never sleeps here nowadays. I can take her bed and you can have mine.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I know I don’t. But I am. How are you supposed to call yourself a college student if you’ve never passed out at a friend’s house after a long night?”
Nora smiles cautiously. “I suppose you’re right. You’re sure Caroline wouldn’t mind.”
No. I’m not the slightest bit sure. But Caroline’s been unpredictable lately. The pregnancy is changing her. “I’ll text her and ask, but I’m sure she won’t.” She taps out a quick text (strategically leaving out the actual identity of the person spending the night) before walking over to her dresser and pulling out a few things. “Here. Some pajama stuff that will probably fit you. You can change in the bathroom. Or I can, if you’d rather stay out here.”
“No, that’s fine,” Nora says gratefully as she takes the pile of soft cotton and fleece. “You’re too nice to me, you know that?”
“Don’t make me regret it,” Bonnie singsongs with a smile as Nora closes the bathroom door. Once she’s alone she fully expects to be assaulted with regret and guilt about what’s happening, but she doesn’t. She feels good. Warm. Safe. She only gets cozier once she’s exchanged the dress for her favorite pair of sleep pants and a soft silk nightshirt. Caroline texts back: oh, a FRIEND, hmmm? be safe casanova xoxo . Bonnie chuckles.
Nora’s small voice from the bathroom: “Are you decent?”
“Debatable,” Bonnie jokes, “but at least I have clothes on!” Nora’s laughing again as she opens the door, but Bonnie’s smile drops a bit at the sight as her eyes take in the sight before her. Nora has scrubbed the makeup from her face, brushed her hair out, and looks unfairly cute in the striped flannel pants and oversized Beach House t-shirt she’s borrowing. Bonnie finally brings her gaze back up to meet Nora’s, whose expression appears slightly amused— did she just watch me eye-fuck her? How long was I ogling?
“I just spent a concerning amount of time staring at my own reflection in the mirror in there. Is that... normal?” Bonnie snaps out of her daze a bit to laugh. “Yes, that’s very normal. How are you feeling?”
“Good. Really good.”
They smile at each other. Bonnie breaks the silence: “I, uh, are you done in there? I need to brush my teeth and stuff.”
“Yes, all yours. Thank you again for letting me stay. I’ve never had a sleepover before,” Nora confesses.
Bonnie’s heart melts. She pulls the brunette into a tight hug. “Of course,” she whispers in response. They’ve never hugged before. They’ve never been this close before. Bonnie feels her heartbeat speeding up and quickly pulls away. “I’ll be just a second.”
Door closes. Cold water splashes face. Bonnie shakes her head a few times and then looks at herself in the mirror. Get it together, Bennett. Oh, if Grams could see her now. She wipes her makeup off a little too vigorously, hoping the painful friction will help snap her out of whatever spell she’s under. It doesn’t work. She sighs, brushes her teeth, washes her face, opens the door.
Nora sits on the end of Bonnie’s bed, cross legged. Crying. Hard. It’s completely silent, but the tears streak down her face with an angry velocity.
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Nora looks angry at herself for letting Bonnie see her. “Nothing, it’s nothing.”
“Don’t you think we’re past the point where we just shrug each other off?”
Nora sniffs. “I... I miss Lily.”
Shit . “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be, we were all so awful to you…”
“But you’re still people. And I can still be sorry. You lost your mother.” Bonnie softly places her hand on Nora’s shoulder. “It’s okay to grieve.”
The heretic wipes her face clean and sniffs a few more times. “I’ll be okay. Thank you.” She looks at the clock, the pitch-black sky outside. “Are you ready for bed?” “Yeah, I’m pretty tired.” Bonnie gets up and pads over to Caroline’s bed. “Do you have anywhere you need to be tomorrow before we hand out the gifts?”
“I do not. As it happens, Toys for Tots and Bonnie Bennett are pretty much my only two commitments at the moment.” Commitments? “Alright, then we’ll just figure out a plan in the morning.” Bonnie lies down, then snaps and the lights go out. She’s gotten good at that spell, at least. She switches off the music. “Good night, Nora.”
“Good night, Bonnie.”
There’s about ten minutes of silence. They just listen to each other breathe. It’s clear neither one is asleep. Then: “Bonnie?” A barely audible hushed whisper.
“Yeah?”
“Could you... would you be okay with... joining me?”
Bonnie doesn’t hesitate despite her heart nearly pounding out of her chest. “Of course.” She tentatively crosses the space between the beds, extends her arms to feel for direction in the dark, her hands quickly finding the soft skin of Nora’s arms. “Is everything okay?” she asks, concerned.
“Yes. I just. I just think I need to be held.”
“That can be arranged.” Bonnie’s heart has inexplicably returned to its normal state. As her arms and legs tangle with Nora’s and they move their bodies close together, she’s never felt calmer. They lie still for a few moments. Bonnie whispers, “better?” but Nora doesn’t respond—she’s already asleep. And a few minutes later, Bonnie drifts off too.

what does xoxo mean in text from a guy video

Xoxo means hugs and kisses. If your question is what does the guy mean when he sent you xoxo, i think that it depends on how much you are close to him and the conversation at that moment. If the conversation was normal and he never sent you heart emoji or xoxo before then i think that he wanted to be closer to you. The xoxo is a symbol of hugs and kisses. This was used before emojis in notes and messages. Some people say the x’s mean kisses and o’s mean hugs, while others will say the opposite. I'm just curious, as it's the first time that I received a text from a guy that says xoxo.. so would just want to know what he means? Cause I find it quite random since I have never see him sends this before.. and that He just suddenly sends me that, after half an hour from his previous text to me to thank me for something that he asked me about.. It can be ,because xoxo means hug and kisses.It means that guy wants to say that he wants to kiss and hug you.But of course you should avoid to jump into conclusion that he has something about you. Instead, they signed with an O. What does it mean when a guy texts you xoxo? But what does XOXO mean and why do Xs and Os translate to gestures of love and affection? By licking that person, they are trying to relieve their stress because they know this is a welcome gesture. Usually XOXO is reserved for a romantic partner, but occasionally, one might find it appropriate to use XOXO with a friend or family member in a text or note. XO: What does a simple XO stand for? Well, it's a quicker way of expressing one kiss and one hug, so you could be addressing a significant other, beloved friend or family member. You want your text to excite and amuse the object of your affection, not annoy and frighten. There really is a fine line between the two, so we looked to relationship and flirt expert, Rachel DeAlto’s book , Flirt Fearlessly: the A to Z Guide to Getting Your Flirt On , to get her rules on flirting through text. Before you’ve met a guy in person, it can be hard to tell what he’s really like. The good news, though, is that you can figure a lot about who he is and what he’s like simply based on the texts he’s sending you. ... Creative emoji choices mean he’s down with the cute stuff. It’s not that hard to throw an emoji on at the end of the ... What does it mean when a guy put xoxo at the end of a text? Yank1218. Xper 4. Follow. Facebook. Twitter. 0 0. I have been flirting with my neighbor for a year. He is sweet and adorable. We finally hung out the other night. Watched some baseball, had some food and wine. We get along amazing. I walked him home as he had a candle for me and we ... Xoxo means hugs and kisses. It is used to express sincerity, faith, love, or friendship when used at the end of a letter, email or text message.

what does xoxo mean from a guy - lannoyschool.com

what does xoxo mean in text from a guy

what does xoxo mean in text from a guy - win

I just had the worst sex of my life and he blamed it on me.

Transition can be really, really good! (or "How I learned to pretend like I wasn't depressed and love the bomb") Part 2.2. Or part 4. whatever... It's a continuation of my way too long story. With pictures and stuff.