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"Mos Eisley Spaceport. Never again will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."
In the original Star Wars, Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina (yeah I just found out what it was actually called, thanks Wookieepedia) introduced us to the breadth of bizarre alien creatures in the Star Wars galaxy, all crammed in a seedy bar on a backwater planet. From the hammer-headed Ithorian designed by Ron Cobb to the devilish Devaronian designed by Rick Baker, Lucas's creative team helped bring a universe of seemingly limitless possibilities to life in one short sequence. The scene has had a number of homages and imitations in other entries of the saga, but how do they all stack up compared to the original and arguably the best?
There's some criteria for what constitutes a "cantina" scene. It has to be some kind of enclosed environment featuring a plethora of unique alien designs with tonnes of visible personality as well as an overall lively though somewhat intimidating atmosphere for the protagonists. I'll be ranking them all out of 10 on the Cantina Factor. I'll only be counting the mainline "episodes" of the saga.
Episode V... doesn't have a cantina scene. The closest thing is the bounty hunter gathering on the Star Destroyer bridge, but... it doesn't really have the same feel and is a bit too brief to count. Move along, move along.
Episode VI, on the other hand, throws us right into the 24/7 partyhouse that it Jabba's Palace. A stew of filth and debauchery surpassing Mos Eisley, you almost feel dirty just looking at this place. Jabba is truly the Fisher King of his establishment, everything is as grimy and seedy as the giant slug himself. We see Jabba's entourage of performers, jesters and burlesque dancers, as well as servants, guards, bounty hunters, VIPs and assorted criminal scum. Compared to Mos Eisley, we get to see this litany of bizarre characters in greater focus, with many turning out to be quite important figures in the expanded universe. The main centres of attraction include: Jabba's pale, weak-minded Twi'lek majordomo Bib Fortuna; the axe-wielding, boar-like Gamorrean Guards; Jabba's cackling jester Salacious B. Crumb; Boba Fett flirting with girls; Oola the sexy Twi'lek slave dancer who's fed to the Rancor; Malakili the Rancor keeper who tenderly weeps when his beloved pet is crushed to death; EV-9D9 the sadistic torture droid; Ephant Mon the horrifically ugly elephant thing who is apparently Jabba's best mate; and last but not least, Max Rebo the cute blue DJ. Bossk the Trandoshan bounty hunter also has a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo. The 1997 Special Edition controversially extends the song-and-dance number with Sy Snootles, replacing her (admittedly awful) puppet with CGI and adding an entirely new singer, Joh Yowza, who obnoxiously mugs the camera during his solo. Overall, the Jabba's Palace scene is in many ways better than the original Mos Eisley cantina scene, but it suffers greatly in the Special Edition... still, nothing can stop it ranking a solid 9/10 on the Cantina Factor.
With an enhanced budget and new fangled digital effects technology, Episode I is basically one long creature-feature. There's not really a single scene quite like Mos Eisley, as nearly every scene seems to have crowds of alien extras wandering around. Ironically, we don't see any cantina-like locations on Tatooine in the film, though the Boonta Eve Classic podrace scene provides us a decent alternative. All of the greatest podracers in the Outer Rim gathered together with their own idiosyncratic vehicles, including Anakin's cruel arch-rival Sebulba, the four-armed Gasgano, and the legend himself Ben Quadrinaros. Pit droids wander around providing some visual comedy. We see Jabba and Gardulla presiding over the event, with live race commentary provided in both Basic and Huttese by the hammy two-headed Fodesinbeed Annodue, a.k.a. Fode and Beed. Anakin's slave friends, including the young Rhodian played by Warwick Davis, also appear to cheer him on. However, considering that the rest of the film shoves so many CGI alien mugs in our faces all the way through, it doesn't have quite as much impact. 6/10.
In Episode II, we get the Outlander Club on Coruscant during Obi-Wan and Anakin's citywide chase for the bounty hunter Zam Wessell. As an avid clubber myself (not so much now, thanks COVID), I naturally like this scene and it's also cool to see the night life on a civilised Core World for once. On the downside, we don't get a good look at many quirky alien characters, but the one who does make an impression is no less than excellent: the deathstick dealer Elan Sleazebaggio. I wonder if he did go home and rethink his life? The scene also started the fan theory that Obi-Wan might be an alcoholic, seeing as he eagerly heads straight to the bar for some shots like the absolute legend he is. The "Jedi causes commotion with lightsaber, everyone looks then just carries on as normal" beat is given a tribute too. Moreover, the Outlander Club is used in an awesome fan film called Hell's Club which mashes together various iconic club scenes from other movies -- Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan encounters Ewan McGregor's Renton from Trainspotting while Tony Manero from Saturday Night Fever leers at Anakin a little too long (also the madness makes Carlito's death no less sad, RIP). 8/10.
Episode III, there isn't one, skip.
Being a soft remake of Episode IV, Episode VII gives us a straightforward cantina scene with Maz Kanata's Castle on Takodana. Takodana might be one of my favourite locations in the whole saga. On paper it's an unremarkable forest planet but there's something... tangible about it. The fact that it was filmed in a real forest and a real set for the castle rather than a greenscreen backdrop definitely helps. Beyond Kanata herself, we see glimpses of some interesting looking characters, including: Grummgar the hulking big game hunter; Bazine Netal the enigmatic First Order spy who rats on BB-8; and most memorable of all, Sidon Ithano a.k.a. The Crimson Corsair, the red-garbed mercenary who Finn offers to join up with. Among the flags adorning the castle, you can also see the emblem of the real life charity organisation, the 501st Legion. Nice touch. Will we ever find out how the Skywalker lightsaber got there though? 9/10.
Episode VIII gives us the controversial Canto Bight on planet Cantonica. I'm very much pro-Canto Bight, it's a perfect 'anti-Mos Eisley'. Rather than a usual wretched hive of destitute criminals, Cantonica is a luxury casino resort filled with the disgusting, decadent elite of the galaxy. Crooks of a different breed. The aesthetic is great, it's all white and clean but filled with some truly repulsive-looking aliens squeezed into tight tuxedos and dresses. Like Finn, it's easy to get lost in the glitz and glamour until you see what it's all built on, then you can cheer when the Fathiers tear it all down. As bad as it all is, a part of me still finds Canto Bight appealing -- I wouldn't mind getting suited and booted and playing a bit of roulette (or the Star Wars verse equivalent of it, idfk) with some fuckin' weird aliens. Speaking of, let's get to some. We've got: Countess Alissyndrex delga Cantonica Provincion, the ruler of the town who can only be described as a purple slab of meat with a human face; Lexo Sooger the long-armed masseur; Slowen Lo the busybody Abendedo who almost destroys the Resistance because Finn and Rose parked on a beach; the Cthulhu-esque Palandag jazz band, somehow weirder than the Modal Nodes from Mos Eisley; Dobbu Scay the diminutive monocled alien who drunkenly mistakes BB-8 for a slot machine, also played by Mark Hamill; Justin Theroux and doll-faced model Lily Cole cameoing as the suave "Master Codebreaker" and his square-haired partner respectively; and of course, Benicio del Toro's "DJ" imprisoned down in the cells. Below the casino itself, we see the abusive slavery practices on both animals and children, with the boy Temiri Blagg revealing himself as Force-sensitive in the ending shot of the film after being inspired by the legend of Luke Skywalker. Whether or not you like its role in the story, it's a damn good alien cantina, 10/10.
Finally, we get to Episode IX. It's easy to miss because of how insanely fast-paced the film is, but yeah, there is a cantina scene on Kijimi, in the Spice Runner Den. I always wondered if this planet is a reference to Hideo Kojima, makes sense considering he and J.J. Abrams are friends, though apparently it's also a reference to some Japanese synthesizer brand. It's nothing to write home about. I mean, yeah, we're introduced to Zorii Bliss and Babu Frik, the best character in the entire trilogy, but what else is there? Oh yeah, a cameo from John freakin' Williams as the bartender Oma Tres. But yeah, apart from that, it's bland and forgettable, there are some aliens dotted around but none of them are focused on particularly. 3/10.
And there you have it. I felt weird about ranking Mos Eisley itself with its own imitators when it originated the whole trope, so I leave that one to you guys. Which is your favourite?

Stuart Ullman: Four presidents, movie stars...
Wendy Torrance: Royalty?
Stuart Ullman: All the best people.The Shining
I would imagine the biggest problem you're going to have with Snoqualmie is not ending up at the ski resort. There is nothing worse than going to see The Falls and ending up saying "fuck it" and renting ski gear because you drove too far east.
Snoqualmie has grown by leaps and bounds since the mid 90s when land was portioned out to create Snoqualmie Ridge. Later, Snoqualmie Casino would join Snoqualmie Ridge in helping to absolutely bottleneck, block, and fuck forever the exit to Highway 18 off 90.
But before all this, Snoqulamie was known mostly for Snoqualmie Falls. Snoqualmie Falls has been around since whenever some glacier decided to head north and go buy 222s in Canada. The Salish Lodge Resort has been around since 1919:
Stuart Ullman: When the place was built in 1919, there was very little interest in winter sports. And this site was chosen for The Falls and the scenic beauty.
Jack Torrance: [laughs] Well, it's certainly got plenty of that.
Stuart Ullman: ...The winters can be fantastically cruel. You get rain, then rain, then more rain, then snow. Then you get snow that looks like you can drive on it, but you can't because this is Seattle and no one can drive in snow, so you get in a car crash trying to get to work and spill coffee all over yourself.
Jack Torrance: Well, that sounds fine to me.
Stuart Ullman: Don't be a prick - it sucks. The rain - I mean, it just doesn't stop! Plus the tremendous isolation of living on Snoqualmie Ridge - every home looks the same! It starts making you feel like everyone lives in the same home and therefore are all one. Total isolation.
Jack Torrance: Well, that just happens to be exactly what I'm looking for. I'm outlining a new writing project and, uh, five months of peace is just what I want.
Stuart Ullman: You're really pissing me off. Look. See the rain??? It's a fucking nightmare. I hate this spooky place. Did you see Twin Peaks?
Jack Torrance: Not for me.
Stuart Ullman: C'mon - everyone's seen it. At least once. Well, it was fucking filmed here. Get out while you can. You're family will hate it.
Jack Torrance: They'll love it.
Stuart Ullman: I hate you.
Yes, the area can be rainy and with all the trees it is a bit dark and spooky, but the Lodge boasts some of the most expensive meals and hotel rooms in the entire state! They used to have gift cards discounted at Costco - and it still costed about a grand to stay there. Jesus, it was expensive. But you don't have to stay there, you can just visit and take a look at the Falls. I'm not a big pancake guy, but Snoqualmie Falls Lodge Pancake mix is apparently amazing. You used to not be able to get it outside of the Falls, but...yep, it's online. There's also a hiking trail you can take from the top of the falls to the bottom. And, yes, the lodge and falls are the exterior for the hotel in Twin Peaks. Before The Ridge and the Casino, The Falls was the only reason I can remember to go to Snoqualmie. In fact, I hardly even remember anyone calling anything besides The Falls and the Pass Snoqualmie, before the Casino. I didn't even know it was a town.
But there was a town...is a town. And it's pretty cool.
The Ridge however...
The Ridge can be expressed perfectly by a PIL song, No Birds:
This could be heaven
Shallow spreads of ordered lawns
I like the illusion, illusion of privacy
The careful trees blending so perfectly
Bland planned idle luxury
Life in lovely allotted slots
A token nice, a nice constitution
A layered mass of subtle props
This could be heaven
Mild mannered mews
Well intentioned rules to dignify a daily code
Lawful order standard views
This could be heaven
Up on the Ridge (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Xg5ShByeuA) you can find quality dining, shopping, and even a PGA golf course that hosts the Boeing Classic (golf thing, not the thing where they lay people off every year).
Leave your cares behind as you shop at the grocery store...the eyeglass store....and something called "Great Clips".
Indulge your palette with Taco Del Mar (barely food), Ana's Mexican (I couldn't see a bar from the window so I didn't go in), and Finaughty's. Finaughty's is actually good. And it's the closest you'll get to night life at The Ridge. The Ridge is total burbs, so I was surprised to see falling down, puking drunk chicks on a weeknight. Quite a few times. But don't get me wrong - it's a family restaurant until a band starts playing. Last time I was in there they had pull tabs. Great place. There's also an assortment of independent donut, burger, and sandwich shops which I haven't been in but haven't really heard anything good about. Behind all that is just one giant neighborhood full of houses that look exactly the same and are packed way too close together. I had a friend who walked out to get his mail and when he went back inside, he realized he was in his neighbor's house. There's also bears. I shit you not. A friend went up looking for a house there once and ran into an elderly Japanese couple. My friend asked them "How do you like living up here?" The man stopped, stared at my friend and exclaimed "BEARS!!!!" True story. Another buddy lived up there and it was routine to have bears go through your trash on garbage day.
Point is: you will be killed by bears if you try to live in Snoqualmie.
Wendy Torrance: I just wanna go back to my room!
Bear: Why?
Wendy Torrance: Well, I'm very confused, and I just need time to think things over!
Bear: Can I eat this lettuce with diapers on it?
Wendy Torrance: Please! Don't hurt me!
Bear: I'm not gonna hurt you.
Wendy Torrance: Stay away from me!
Bear: Boy, I could use some honey.
Wendy Torrance: Stay away from me! Don't hurt me!
Bear: Christ, these houses all look the same.
Then there's the casino. If you've read the other Destination "pieces", you'll know that I've already gone into great length at what you'll find at a casino. However, I will mention that Snoqualmie actually gets good comedy and musical acts...if you're 40 like me. For instance, Norm MacDonald will be there in November and Ringo Starr will also be up there soon. I mean, it's not the Arcade Fires or the...I had to Google biggest bands right now. I think the Arcade Fires are even like 50 years old. Anyway, the point is: there's entertainment that's not bad.
One thing that ticks me off about that casino is that at one time there was a big dance floonight club. I don't miss the dancing, but I miss the fact that you could walk through the nightclub and go out on the deck. It's an amazing view of rolling hills and John Denver stuff. Oh, well.
If you're a total moron and want to get lung cancer, there's a smoke shop with cigs at about seven bucks a pack. That's a discount compared to the Issaquah Safeway where they're like 15. Keep in mind, smokers always exaggerate cigarette prices, which now run 20 a pack.
The funny thing about the smoke shop is for the first three months they were operating a drive thru liquor store. I swear. I went up there getting smokes and they were handing bottles of vodka out the drive thru windows. Finally, I had a reason to buy a bottle of booze and they told me they had to stop doing it. But for about three months in....2009???.....there was a drive thru liquor store in Washington.
Snoqualmie Casino: Hello, Danny. Come and play with us. Come and play with us, Danny. Forever... and ever... and ever.
As The Ridge is quasi corporate housing and Stepford Wives, the downtown area of Snoqualmie (the old town) is actually like a neighborhood of people who know each other and grew up together. In fact, I'd say Issaquah still has those elements, Snoqualmie definitely does, and North Bend really does. It'll all come to an end. But the closer you get to North Bend, the closer you will get to a bar that everyone knows your name.
By the way, anyone see Cliff Claven in those PSE ads? He lives here. Probably in North Bend.
In, what I call, Old Town (base of Snoqualmie Ridge), you'll find Snoqualmie Taphouse. I'm sure you've run into Wildcat IPA here and there and this is where it comes from. I'm not a big fan of the beer, but the food is really good. Pizza and sandwiches. Great place to go on the way back from Skiing or Hiking. There's also nothing like watching people come out of there loaded and realizing that it's across the street from the police station. Around the corner is Mt. Si Brewing Supply where you can buy all your brewing tools you'll never, ever, never in a million years use.
There's also a Brewfest each year...or was...it's been awhile.
There's a number of other shops, restaurants, dunno if the bowling alley is still operating....along the railroad tracks down in Snoqualmie. Of course, if you follow the tracks north you'll be at The Falls.
All in all, I look forward to the comments as I'm pretty pedestrian with this city and it has a lot of old school color and charm. Much like Kent and Renton, it's hard to tell where Snoqualmie ends and North Bend begins....but honestly, I would skip The Ridge area (barring Finaughty's) and head downtown.
Delbert Grady: I and others have come to a belief, that your heart is not in this. That you don't have the belly for it.