Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5
Part 6: Subject E
When I was young, I was plagued by nightmares. They were the kind of nightmares that started out in some familiar place, like my kindergarten classroom or my grandmother's kitchen. Suddenly the air turned, and I'd be left with an ominous feeling that something bad was about to happen. It came down like a cloud, filling the room, permeating every corner of the dream world. Whatever the bad thing was, it was never quite as awful as the feeling that preceded it. The feeling that made a safe place become poisoned. Sometimes the bad thing never came. This almost made me feel worse, like the omen would carry over into real... I mean, waking life.
Rajiv taught me not to call it "real" life. The idea that dreams are not real is detrimental to the dreamer. Our brains automatically filter out things that are unreal to make more space for the things we deem tangible and plausible. By making the distinction that our waking life is the "real" world, we make it more challenging to remember our dreams and become aware inside of them. It's like going into a dark theater and watching a movie. While you're there, you become completely immersed in the story. Sometimes you forget yourself for a while. The characters on the screen draw you in, and you enter their world. When the picture comes to an end and the lights slowly come on, all that constitutes your experience of "you" returns. As you exit the theater, the details of the movie fade. Sometimes a few weeks go by and you only remember the highlights. It drifts away from you until it no longer feels like a shared, immersive experience.
It was December of my sophomore year of college, and I'd been working as an observer at the sleep laboratory on campus for almost two months. I was finishing up the semester, and our college was about to enter winter break. I was supposed to go home for about a month. This was not an exciting prospect.
I come from a family of seven kids; I'm the third in line. I grew up with no space of my own. My parents were not well to do. They each had problems: my dad with gambling, my mom with drinking. We'd experience periods of wealth which then quickly evaporated into abject poverty. It was not uncommon for me to share a bedroom with three of my siblings, my two sisters stuffed in a bed next to me. Memories of the four months of living in a city penthouse at age eleven wash over me at times. It seemed like things were finally stabilizing at the highest level. I had my own room for those four months, in that mansion apartment up in the sky. I got new clothes, toys, and we even had a cook that came by every weekend and made us whatever we requested. My dad had won big, but then he got cocky. Fell in with the wrong people, blew his earnings on high-stakes poker games with unforgiving types. The collectors took all my toys away and led us out of the penthouse. It was back to the condemned building on Tenth Street, with black mold spores on the walls and boarded up windows. I got a job the second I turned fifteen and saved all my money up for a car of my own, and later, my college tuition. I didn't have a social life in high school; all my free time was spent studying so that I might earn some scholarships to lessen the burden.
My parents had bounced back somewhat from their lowest point, but they still lived in a too-small condo with my four younger siblings. Going back home meant sleeping on the floor for a month on an air mattress, somewhere in the three foot gap between my my two sisters' beds. Seven people, sharing a single bathroom. A Christmas where my parents got too drunk and I was stuck making dinner for all my younger siblings. My tiny dormitory shared with a single roommate was like paradise compared to that.
My mood was sour because of this impending "vacation" as I traipsed through the light snowfall to my last sleep lab session of the semester. It was dark and quiet until I heard Charlie's voice cutting across the white-speckled green.
"Hey, Amanda," he took a few hurried steps to catch up with me.
"Hey. You headed to the lab?"
"Yeah. Last shift before break." He grinned and rubbed his gloved hands together, like the prospect was exciting.
I couldn't relate, but I understood that most people actually looked forward to visiting home at Christmastime. "I'm going to miss it. Having to wait a month before the next session feels like torture."
He tilted his head as though he were trying to figure that one out. "You mean you actually like staying up all night watching people sleep?"
"That makes it sound like I'm a creep, but yeah. It's better than tutoring. It's never boring."
"Huh. That's what everyone seems to say. I work the front desk for the regular sleep studies every now and then, and the observers there sometimes fall asleep, it's so dull. They have me make them coffee every hour." We entered the psychology building and headed down the basement steps toward the lab together. "Now you, you and Becky, I think I only make you coffee a couple times a night." He chuckled.
"Do you remember your dreams?" I asked him as we rounded the corner. He used his ID card to open the locked double doors.
"Eh, not that much. I used to think I didn't dream at all."
"Everyone dreams," I said, "but maybe you don't give it much thought in your waking life. I guess the more attention we pay to our dreams, the easier it is to remember them."
"Yeah, maybe." He shrugged with a casual disinterest, and the conversation turned back to his band and how they all planned to drive to the next town over to rehearse during winter break.
When I was finally all clocked in and sitting in the observation room with a cup of hot coffee that Charlie had made for me, I got my first glimpse at the last subject of the semester.
"Subject E - Carmella Rodriguez" Name: Carmella Rodriguez Age: 40 Occupation: Private detective
Carmella is a tough-looking, attractive woman with dark hair slicked back into a tight ponytail. She wears a leather jacket and tight jeans and has a visible tattoo of a rose on her right hand. Despite her steely demeanor, she has a soft, high voice and lips that are slightly upturned, making it look like she is always smiling a little.
Rajiv: Hello, Carmella. Thanks for coming in tonight.
Carmella: Sure.
Dr. Sinclair: I've been trying to meet with you for years now. What made you finally return my calls?
Carmella: I was impressed with your tenacity. You don't give up.
Dr. Sinclair: You're right.
Carmella: So, you heard me talking about my particular... peculiarity on WKBZ four years ago?
Dr. Sinclair: My colleague at the time did. She immediately began recording the segment and passed it on to me, knowing it would be of interest. You've been a bit hard to track down.
Carmella: Well, I'm a PI. I know how to hide if I don't want to be found.
Rajiv: Can you please tell us the story you shared on the radio four years ago? For our records?
Carmella: Yes. I was being interviewed for the KBZ late-night show Anomalies. It's not on the air anymore, but the host Davis Weller still does a lot in the field. TV appearances, seminars, stuff like that. Anyway, Anomalies centers around people with unusual abilities or who have had extraordinary things happen to them. I called in one day, not because I wanted to or because I even liked the show. I had to.
Dr. Sinclair: And why is that?
Carmella: (grins) It's funny how you know, but you're acting like you don't.
Dr. Sinclair: It's for our records.
Carmella: It's familiar to me. Knowing, but having to act like I don't. Every night, I go to sleep and I have a dream about the next day. In the dream, I wake up and go about my life. I live an entire day in my sleep, morning to night. So I knew I was supposed to call in, because I had already done it in my dream the night before. I didn't know about this radio show, though I guess it was pretty popular.
Rajiv: Yeah, it was one of the most listened to shows in the entire state. (Lights up as he continues to speak) Davis was always really good at screening the callers, so every guest was interesting and you didn't have to deal with crazy call-ins while listening to the program-
Dr. Sinclair: (Clears her throat) So, Carmella, today is December 11th, 2004. When you go to sleep later, you're telling us your dream will take place on December 12th?
Carmella: Yes. Last night's dream took place today. We've already had this conversation. I've already done this experiment.
Rajiv: Have you experimented with this ability? Do you ever purposely try to do or say different things and see what happens?
Carmella: (Smirks a little) Sure. I've had this skill since I was young. I've done pretty much everything you can think up. I've tried to alter the course of a day, maybe because I didn't like what was going to happen, or just because I was bored and wanted to see how much free will I have. I can say different things, but it's difficult. It's like moving through quicksand. It's so much easier to say and do things exactly as they were in the dream. Even if I push through all that and do something completely different from what I dreamed, something will happen to pull me back on course. Let me give you an example.
Rajiv: Please.
Carmella: Six years ago, I was working a case, trying to catch a bail jumper. I went to sleep after a long night, and found myself 'waking up' (she uses air quotes) the next morning. I checked the newspaper outside my door and confirmed it was the next day. The headline showed the results of a local election that hadn't been called yet when I went to bed. I went through some morning routine stuff, then headed out to the meeting point where my source told me this guy would be. He was supposed to be selling some drugs. I mess up and get to the drop off point too early. I was planning on parking behind the building, but it's too late, the other guy sees me. He shoots at my car and I get a bullet through the arm. I'm in a ton of pain, but I'm fine. However, the case is completely blown. The guy is tipped off and leaves town. So, cue the actual next morning. I wake up and go check the newspaper to find the same election results on the front page. I do my morning routine and I force myself to take longer. I know if I got there maybe ten minutes later, or parked down the road or something, that I'd avoid getting shot and could actually catch this guy in the act.
Despite my best efforts, it's impossible. I take forever leaving and someone pulls the fire alarm in my building so we all have to go stand outside. I get in my car and figure I'll stop for a coffee beforehand... turns out the coffeeshop is closed for the day due to an employee wedding. I drive down the road and every light is green. I get there ten minutes early, but I know not to pull up to the building. I wait down the road, parked behind a dumpster. This is the exact same time that the drug buyer was at the drop-off building in my dream. It should be safe here. But guess who stops by the dumpster to take a piss behind it? The drug buyer. And he sees me and shoots me, right in the arm. (She shrugs off her jacket to reveal a gnarly scar on her right bicep). Obviously I was fine, but the day played out pretty much the same as I had dreamed. The details shifted slightly, but that's as far off track as you can get. Most of the time it happens just as I dream it.
Dr. Sinclair: How do you feel about this ability of yours?
Carmella: (Shrugs, laughs. Her laugh is high and melodic) It is what it is.
Rajiv: Does it make you feel kind of... hopeless?
Carmella: Occasionally. It's an existentialist nightmare at times. But there's something kind of nice about it too. Knowing that at the end of the day, you'll be okay. You can prepare yourself for whatever comes. (She sighs.)
Dr. Sinclair: So, tell us, Carmella. What exactly is going to happen tonight?
Carmella: (Smiles widely) You sure you want me to ruin the surprise?
Rajiv: It's part of our research.
Carmella: I know, I'm just kidding around. Well, you let me wander around the hall and get some candy from the vending machine while you set this room up. You put me in... (she looks around and points at the bed in the far corner) that bed, and hook me up to those machines. You tell me to ask if I need another pillow, or blanket. You turn off all the lights except for that nightlight, and you leave me in here alone. I have earbuds in that play some soft, tonal music for me. It's weird and kind of alien, but very soothing. I drift to sleep but am somewhat aware, more than usual. I'm aware of a clattering sound as I drift off to sleep, and someone yells "Oops!"
Rajiv: And then what?
Dr. Sinclair: She doesn't know. Do you, Carmella?
Carmella: No. I can only see from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep the next night.
Rajiv: What about naps? If you were to take a nap, would that show up in your dream about the next day, or would the day be considered over?
Carmella: It depends. If I doze off for ten minutes then that might show up in my dream the night before. But if I fall asleep for a two hour nap, then it resets.
Dr. Sinclair: I imagine as soon as she enters the REM cycle, that constitutes a new beginning to the dream loop.
The next ten minutes play out as Carmella said they would. They get the room ready while she is free to get a snack from the vending machine. This is all fairly common precedure, but not necessarily something Carmella would have been aware of ahead of time. Rajiv has the funny idea to try to put Carmella in a different bed, but the machine next to that one short-circuits and won't turn on, and Dr. Sinclair tells him to just stick to the one in the far corner. Carmella is brought in to, hooked up to the bed, and given earphones that play the music designed to synchronize the hemispheres of the brain, allowing the subject to remain lucid while entering sleep. Rajiv and Dr. Sinclair join Becky and me in the observation room.
Me: Didn't you say before that only someone like Bobby Tremaine could deal with being fully lucid in the dream world?
Dr. Sinclair: The parameters of Carmella's dream world seem very concrete. We will pull her out if anything goes awry.
We wait as Carmella enters the N1 stage. Charlie comes in with our coffee.
Dr. Sinclair: (presses the intercom button and speaks into the microphone) Alright, good, Carmella. Stay with us as your body falls asleep.
Charlie moves into the room with the tray of four coffees, and I hear a huge clatter as he trips and drops the beverages.
Charlie: Oops! (He makes a move to begin cleaning up the mess)
We all look at each other with such surprise that Charlie picks up on the strange feeling of the room.
Charlie: I'm really sorry, everyone. I'll make more.
Dr. Sinclair: It's quite alright. (She seems somewhat amused.) N2 stage commencing. Are you with us, Carmella?
Carmella: Yes. (Her voice is more monotone and distant sounding)
Maybe ten minutes pass and then Carmella enters the REM stage.
Dr. Sinclair: Alright, Carmella, tell me what you see?
Carmella: It's dark. Oh, I'm opening my eyes. (Carmella remains seemingly asleep on the bed, her lips moving slightly. She speaks like someone who is hypnotized might, with a weird rhythm to her tone that she doesn't have when she's fully awake.) I'm sitting up. I'm in the lab. The doctor's here. She's unhooking me from the machines. She seems really excited. They thank me for participating and I sign a couple more release forms. Someone brings me some coffee and a granola bar. She's chewing gum, even though it's like 7am. Oh, there's a clock. 7:04.
Dr. Sinclair: Okay, that's all well and good, Carmella. But I want you to bring your attention to the device on the far wall. Do you see it? The one with the rainbow dial?
Carmella: One second. Um... I think so?
Dr. Sinclair: Step closer to it. You can touch it. It's a big silver machine with a rainbow dial. Can you please move the dial back from the purple meter to somewhere in the yellow?
Carmella: Sure. I won't mess anything up?
Dr. Sinclair: On the contrary, it would be a big help.
I glance up at Rajiv, who shoots me an excited expression.
Carmella: Okay, I did it.
Dr. Sinclair: Thank you. Now, you can go ahead and leave.
Carmella: Weird, you said that and then the doctor here said the same thing.
Dr. Sinclair: In the hall, you'll see a white coat. Feel free to put it on.
Carmella: Do I have to?
Dr. Sinclair: No.
Carmella: Okay. I don't want to.
Dr. Sinclair: There is a box of gifts at the end of the hall. Go ahead and pick one out, as a thank you for your work here.
(I want to mention that no such rainbow-dialed machine exists in the sleep laboratory, and there is no box of gifts in the hall. There may be a spare white coat, but it would belong to Rajiv or Dr. Sinclair.)
Carmella: I took one. Thanks.
Dr. Sinclair: Which one did you take? Just for my records.
Carmella: The blue one with a white ribbon. Can I open it?
Dr. Sinclair: Yes, but I'll tell you right now that it's an alarm clock.
Carmella: That's a funny gift to give people at a sleep study. (she laughs, and we all jump slightly)
Dr. Sinclair: The irony doesn't escape me. Now, here's the thing about this alarm clock. It's going to show up in every dream you have from here on out.
Carmella: But...
Dr. Sinclair: You turned the dial, and that's what happened as a result.
Me: (to the others) What's she doing?
Rajiv: One second.
Dr. Sinclair: Tell me what the alarm clock looks like.
Carmella: It's black, plastic, digital... the numbers are red.
Dr. Sinclair: Wrong. The numbers are yellow. Look again.
Carmella: Oh. You're right.
Dr. Sinclair: Every time this alarm clock shows up in your dream, it will go off by playing a single song. Rajiv?
Rajiv: (into the microphone) "Ceremony" by New Order?
There's a long silence and Carmella does not reply.
Dr. Sinclair: Maybe pick something she'll know.
Rajiv: Uh... (he flounders, drums his pencil on his notebook) "I'd Do Anything for Love"? (he winces and shrugs, and I laugh a little. Becky glares at us.)
Dr. Sinclair: Sure. "I'd Do Anything For Love". Do you know that song, Carmella?
Carmella: Yeah. Oh, the alarm clock is going off now. It's playing that song.
Dr. Sinclair: If you ever want to leave a dream, just turn the alarm clock off. When you go back to sleep, you'll have normal dreams. It's your choice, Carmella.
Carmella: Okay. Can I try it?
Dr. Sinclair: Not right now. It will go off again later.
We walk with Carmella through a day in her life. Strangely the pages detailing this are missing from both my and Becky's folders. I did not receive these pages in the package that showed up on my doorstep. I do remember that it was quite menial. She had the day off from work. She goes home and takes a shower, makes breakfast, and later goes to the gym. She comes home and watches television. The whole thing takes roughly 7 hours. I remember being bleary-eyed and stifling frequent yawns throughout. The notes pick back up around her bedtime.
Carmella: I'm brushing my teeth. I forgot to put the trash out, but I can do it in the morning. Laying down to sleep now. Oh, the alarm clock is going off. "But I won't do that." (she sings softly)
Dr. Sinclair: Go ahead and turn it off, Carmella.
Carmella: Okay.
Carmella's eyes open and she sits up, looking around her. Rajiv and Dr. Sinclair head into the lab to get her unhooked from the machines. Charlie has gone home for the night and has been replaced by the girl who works the front desk sometimes, Nancy. Nancy is chewing her trademark bubblegum as she brings in a coffee and granola bar for Carmella for breakfast. Becky and I check the clock. It's 7:04am.
They let Becky and me go after that, and so I headed back to the dorm to crash. I was supposed to leave to go 'home' in a few days, and knew I should start to pack up my mess. Later in the day, I received an excited email from Rajiv, who wanted to tell Becky and me that Carmella had called to tell us the day had gone in an entirely different direction. It had been identical to her dream until the point where she had turned the dial of Dr. Sinclair's rainbow machine. Then, everything had changed. She did not have a relaxing day. A friend from out of town dropped by and the two ended up going on a spontaneous road trip. Their car broke down in the middle of nowhere and they had to hitch a ride to the nearest motel. She was stunned and confused. It was the first time her day had not been foretold by her dream. Rajiv told us that Dr. Sinclair had been sure to write back and say that any time she wanted to be surprised by her own day, to just turn that alarm clock off whenever she heard it play "I'd Do Anything for Love".
I wrote back to Rajiv, being sure to take Becky off CC.
"Hey Rajiv, If Dr. Sinclair had the ability to alter a subject's dreams in this manner all this time, why didn't she do it to help all the other subjects? -A."
He wrote back a few minutes later: "Amanda, I'm not usually privy to those decisions. My guess would be that she's doing it to gather more information. Carmella was a safe enough test subject to work with in that way. Someone like Bobby Tremaine could maybe have those thought-suggestions planted in his head, but he wouldn't have been susceptible to it. He likes reading his book every night in his dreams. Lillian's mental power wasn't strong enough to remain lucid. Dana's was maybe too strong, and she would have fought us. I hope that makes sense. It's just my guess, anyhow. Hope you have a good winter break. P.S. Check out 'Ceremony' by New Order. It's better than Meatloaf. I can't believe she's going to dream about that song for maybe the rest of her life. 'Oops!' Best, Rajiv"
A couple weeks later, as I was falling asleep on the floor of my sisters' bedroom on Christmas Eve, I had a dream about Charlie. We were sitting on a porch swing, drinking mojitos. The air was hot and the skies were cloudless. A fly buzzed by us. A mountain was in the distance. I heard a song on the breeze, a repetitive guitar line, hypnotic and strange. A fuzzy guitar and a drumbeat dissolving into a bass line, increasing in tempo and intensity. It was a melody I didn't recognize. The whole dreamscape sparkled.
I got a small amount of money for Christmas, and a few days later I went with my sisters to the mall. I bought the New Order CD at the record shop with my gifted cash. I wasn't sure what else to pick up and I had to admit I was curious. I listened on my headphones on the way home. The first track, "Ceremony", started. It was the same song in my dream. The same song whose notes had come in, haunting, from the mountains beyond.
Maybe I had heard it somewhere before. Maybe it had gotten lodged in the recesses of my brain and Rajiv had knocked it loose by bringing up the song.
Surely that made the most sense.
Listening to that album helped me get through winter break. It offered a strange sort of comfort in an otherwise chaotic month. My parents fighting about money in the living room, my siblings loud and unrelenting in my ears, but my headphones sent me into another world.
I had another one of my trademark nightmares the last night I was home. I was standing in my high school gymnasium, totally emptied out. The door to the track outside was open, and the wind was picking up. I could feel its bite from where I was standing. That sensation began. My skin crawling, the feeling of something coming for me. It would be here soon. There was no getting away. If I stayed, if I went, it would find me.
I heard "Ceremony" coming down from the rafters, but there was no alarm clock to hit, no off switch. I had no way out. Nothing to do but stand my ground or hide. The threat never came to pass, but I found no relief in this.
Back in waking life, I packed my bags and prepared to return to campus. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was still coming, somewhere on the horizon. I had no vision of what it looked like, no concept of what it might do. As I moved into the day and felt the terror of the dream recede, it settled into a vague unease.
On the bus ride, I listened to "Ceremony" again and watched the winter scenery pass by in a wash of snow and dead trees. I felt safer as I moved back toward the sleep lab. To learn more, to maybe understand, felt like my only option.
The only way out is in.

Hello there. I'm 32 years old male, been sober for 160 days. This will be a long story. As my first book is soon ready (with different subject than alcohol though) I have been thinking of writing a book about alcohol. Because I have so much to tell. Anyway, here's my story of sobering up. I hope it's worth your time.
I started drinking when I was 17 years old, mostly because all my friends turned 18 and were in legal drinking age. My birthdate is always at the end of the year so I was usually the youngest. So I was a bit underaged but went along. My first experiences with alcohol were this drink called "Black Cat", it was kinda liquorice liquor which is quite popular here in Finland (salmiakki, a type of salty liquorice they use in candy), nowadays people just drinki salmiakkivodka and equivalent. It tasted like a couch syrup and I remember liking both the taste and effects. Of course we passed out to our friends floor later in the evening. It was "fun".
Anyway, years went by and I was usually the one that could not hold his booze. When I was young and in my twenties I used to drink until I vomited and passed out. I rarely remembered anything in the morning. I took my hangovers like a man and never drank when hungover, I thought that as path to alcoholism. I mostly drank during the weekends like kids used to do here in Finland. Usually it was only one day of the week, Friday or Saturday. We gathered to a place and drank different kind of drinks, played games, laughed, goofed around etc. I was the introverted shy guy who never got along with anyone, least with girls, but with alcohol I had little bit more confidence. Never too much though. I passed out usually early at the point where others were just getting started and barely noticed my disappearance. In later life my drinking got more controlled but it was still crazy. I got really drunk most of the time.
In some point I got tired of strong drinks because they messed up my head so bad, but I never stopped drinking them. I never liked beer and never drank it but one time I bought this Murphy's can out of curiosity. It tasted like roasted coffee and I was amazed - how can a beer taste like this. So I got into craft beer. The scene was already starting to boom in Finland with new beers so I made it a hobby. I purchased all the new beers I could find. I started a beer review blog. In this point I tasted different kind of beers many times a week. Usually I wasn't even getting drunk, I just enjoyed the culture and taste. The binge drinking continued couple of times per year. Then I wouldn't care what I drank as long as it had alcohol in it.
It was year 2013. We went to summer festival to celebrate my best friend's and coworker's bachelor party for five consecutive days. We drank all that time, day after day after day. We had so much to drink, be it beer, vodka, soft drinks with alcohol, wine, didn't matter. It was crazy and it's all blur to me. I was missing days, didn't remember much of it. After I woke up that day we were meant to leave the festival area, I was so hungover I felt like being in hell. Somehow we got the tent and everything packed up. I remember our tent stick was so deep in the ground that it had been stuck in the root of a tree. We had to get the car and pull it out with a rope tied to the car. Our friend was drunk and high and I was lying in unnatural position in the back where all the seats where taken out and below me was all kind of stuff, I barely fit in the car. I remember watching to the horizont from the front window of the car and seeing how the driver was zigzagging in both ways from the centerline of the road... I was in terrible hungover, sweaty and paranoid and fearing for my life. Thank goodness cops didn't stop us and we got home safely but it was a very dangerous ride. I don't know why I agreed to even go.
When I got home to my family I was feeling like coming back from the war. I was seeing things, it was still blurry and I had both physical and mental symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. I wanted to take it easy but instead I was a wreck, I was panicking, depressed and anxious and felt like going nuts. I slept the day, the next day, the next day. The anxiety and "the feeling" didn't go away. I was going on loop to my friends and wife that "I feel funny in the head". You know the feeling that like you are drunk but are not? It was that but even worse, I didn't feel myself, I saw my hands doing things but I didn't feel them as mine. I watched me in the mirror but I didn't recognize my face, or kinda, but kinda not. I watched myself from behind. I didn't recognize my home. It was surreal and horrible, like a nightmare. I thought it was because I binge drank so many days, that must be it, it's just been a short time, these are just the effects of it. But after two weeks I still got that "feeling". After four weeks it was the same. It never went away. Every time I thought about it I got a really bad panic attack and it felt like I snap and go crazy or die soon. I screamed and cried. Weeks went by. A month. Two months. Three months. I tried everything. Started to eat and sleep well, lost weight, excercised, concentrated on work. I never drank during this period. Couple of times I had to go to ER because I thought I had a brain tumor. They didn't find anything. They said my shoulders were a bit tough so they recommended a massage or ciropractor. So I went to one acquaintance of mine who is a well known ciropractor and he got my back in order. Nothing was helping. I still felt terrible.
I was constantly googling my symptoms and listed them out to my blog. The blog bost grew to a multi page manifest about different kind of things it might be. Never found the definitive answer. After that summer I started therapy. After six months I still suffered from "that feeling". The therapist never did an official dianogis but she SAID that I have probably been having a generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) for a long time and the circumstances have caused me (and I quote) psychosomatic dissociative disorder induced by binge drinking of alcohol and enforced by anxiety and vicious hypochondriac thinking loop. We went over feelings and events from the summer festival all the way back to my childhood. The "cognitive therapy" as it was helped a lot. In some point I found "The Holy Grail of Curing DP/DR" post and it opened my eyes. After about one year it finally lifted of when my mind got out of the loop.
In 2014 I had started drinking again but I decided to keep it under control and drank mostly beer at that time. I wanted to avoid the thing in last year happening again. But in spring I went with friends to a town near Helsinki. We were attending to a black metal festival nearby as I'm a huge black metal fan. We had whiskey and spirits in the hotel room and I guess I didn't care any more and already forgot about the miserable event in the past. I drank for two days like I was young again until I passed out and lost my memory of the days. So the same thing happened again. I suffered half year of the dissociation, again. Only difference this time was that "that's it", I quit drinking spirits and wine and I no longer wanted to drink anything else than beer. I explained it to myself that spirits are no fun to me as I can't hold my liquor, I lose memory, vomit and pass out every time I get them, I simply get too drunk too easy. Wine was not good to me anyway since it triggers migraine. I remember one time we were attending to a fine dining meal and I had red wine that the waitress recommended. After we left by train my headache got so bad I had to pass out to the floor of the train (there was no space). My friends watched me and told the nearby family that he is not drunk, he just has migraine. It was horrible. After that time I never drank red wine again. Anyway, I stopped everything but beer. Craft beer was my thing and consuming it was slow and controlled. For some reason I didn't want to quit for good. From later life perspective I was already hooked, an addict.
We moved after I had gone through 2 years of therapy and the therapy stopped because of the new location. It was very helpful but I didn't want to search another therapist after moving and my dissociation had been long gone in that point so I didn't see any reason for that. I embraced my life as a snobby craft beer enthusiast as I had got a job from the nearby craft beer pub as a reviewer and connoisseur. People would ask my advice what's THE craft beer to drink and I would gladly tell them and taste with them. I would find pine and oaky notes in there, I would comment on mouthfeel and richness of the hops etc. It was just like wine tasters basically but with beer. That's how the scene evolved, there were no longer lagers and schwarzs, there were dozens of whole new beer styles and new ones were invented daily. From all the beer styles in the world I was most fond of dark imperial stouts. I hunted for them. The best ABV was from 10 to 20, the stronger the better. I liked beers like "Imperial Salty Caramel Cookie Dough Double Coffee Fudge Chocolate Milk Hazelnut Butter Vanilla Cocoa Crumble Brown Ale", they were crazy good and had lots of alcohol. Slowly and steadily my drinking habits grew from "just a two on Friday" to "couple of beers every other day". When the ABV was almost always 10%+ I got drunk most of the time. I didn't really suffer from hangovers much but I was always tired and anxious. It was taking a toll on my health, focus at work and so on. I often said to everyone I wouldn't drink if there was no craft beer and that was true. I drank because of the craft beer culture, people, social aspects and relaxing and of course being intoxicated and hooked.
Years went by. I tasted over 4000 different beers. The hobby evolved from rating every beer to the point I was started to get annoyed about the elitism and hobbyist culture where you need to have a certain recommendation, high enough ABV, certain admired style, or score of the beer to even consider drinking it. So I gave up reviewing beers and started "the old way" to drink any beer that had alcohol in it. It didn't even have to be craft beer. I mostly liked "easy to drink" beers and many breweries tend to make beers so that it's like orange juice. New England Pale Ales and Sour Ales were wonderful, it beautiful juice, and deceptive to say the least.
Fast forward to 2020. We went to celebrate summer to our friends' cabin in the middle of nowhere. We got couple of barrels of beer from the local brewery with taps and all. For two days we had fun, played games (it was a forest LAN event). I remember taking it as an experiment, I wanted to try how much I can drink "just beer" to have a bad hangover. As we paid the barrels together based on how many pints everyone were drinking we had a "logger bookkeeping" with lines in the potholder. I must have had like over 30 lines over two days of period. And it was high ABV new england pale ale. I vomited my guts out both days of the event.
It was a bad hangover on Sunday. I never got the dissociative effects from that but there in that day I was seriously thinking about this. I started to make a list of positive and negative list of using alcohol. The negative list got out of hand and I ran out of paper. The positive list had no points. Finally I made the decicion I had thought of so many days in the past. This time it was for good. I signed up for I Am Sober app and it currently says 5 months, 7 days, 13 hours, 11 minutes, 50 seconds sober.
First weeks sober were kinda hard because in Finland alcohol is everywhere. We have about 5 million people in this country and 90% of people drink. I was starting to learn we use alcohol by habit. We use it at work (yes, many jobs have beer in the fridge and it's free to take whenever you want), after work (it's actually called "afterwork" and can happen many times a week but usually on Friday), on weddings, on funerals, on gettogethers, on housewarming parties, during every national holiday, on christmas, new year, on any public holiday, when you assemble furniture (yes, there is even a saying "asennuskaljat" here which is "an assembly beers" to make assembling IKEA stuff more fun), when you go to sauna (in Finland we have millions of saunas and most saunas per capita, it's Finnish pride and invention to relax, almost every apartment has sauna here, myself included), when you celebrate, when you have fun and not have fun, when you eat, when you play computer games many people have beer instead of energy drink. We have many days in the year even MADE FOR consuming alcohol, like Vappu (Walpuri's Night) where it is socially acceptable to drink on the streets. There are so many examples where alcohol is present, I see it even on TV here, yes, some tv hosts drink beer on live TV and it's not even considered odd. Finnish alcohol link site says: "Use of alcohol has increased considerably in Finland over the last four decades. In 2008, statistics showed that annual alcohol consumption had risen to 8.5 litres of pure alcohol per inhabitant. The amount has quintupled since the late 1950's.".
After three weeks I didn't crave alcohol daily any more. Sometimes during Fridays I watched others drink and it kinda made me sad. I wanted to belong, I kinda missed it. It was like breaking up after a long time of abusive relationship. I recalled only the good times and had to remind myself of all the bad alcohol caused me. I rechecked my list of all the negative things alcohol caused me. There were loads of benefits in being sober from money to mental health.
Here's my list of positive things in alcohol: + Are there any? "Good" beers (NOT that good you want to ruin yourself) + Social life (Actually a negative thing as well because what kind of life is the life that needs alcohol? Can I get social without alcohol? Yes I can if I want)
Here's my list of negative things in using alcohol: - Tiredness in the morning - Can't eat breakfast - Uninterestedness (this is the worst for me). I'm not interested in new things, I can't read books, etc. - Mental health problems escalate, my anxiety gets worse, dangers of dissociation - Stomach problems - In general alcohol causes physically bad things, you just don't always feel them because it also numbs you. I had many headaches and muscle pains while drinking. You can ignore them but they are there. - Money and spending out of control. Alcohol costs a lot in Finland. One good craft beer in a pub can be easily from 15 to 20 €. So one night would cost 100 €. I lost from 500 to 1000 € per month during my craft beer habit. That's about 10000 € per year. I often bought fast food or things I didn't need when drunk. Not to mention irregular gambling while under influence. - General Anxiety Disorder. Doesn't do good. - No time for good things. Wasting time in pubs talking trash. And sleeping in. - Hangovers. Didn't have them much during "craft beer stage" but tiredness is also a hangover. Fatique, metal coma and anxiety could last for weeks and weeks without end. - Circadian rhythm. Didn't have any sleep patterns when used alcohol. I could stay up without much sleep or sleep too much. Alcohol messes up the system. - Risk of cancer. My father, grandfather and father's uncle died of cancer. - Risk of heart issues. My mom has some stuff with her heart. - Craft beer culture getting toxic and elitist - Most of the alcohol doesn't suit me (or anyone) anyway, already quit spirits back in 2013 and can't drink wine - Maybe more but here's the key negatives
So here's my story. Glad you made this far! After almost 6 months sober I have noticed some positive things:
- Better sleep - Better focus - No hangovers - Always time for my son and daughter - More time home - More time to do ANYTHING I want - More money, way more than I ever had, we had a wonderful christmas with presents - Found tea, coffee and artesan soft drinks like ginger beer again - Falling in love again with my wife - Less anxiety, GAD is controllable now - Lost some weight - Less stomach problems
Some negatives as well:
- No social life at all but I'm happy with my family

translated from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_KnXHycF2s&t=689s

Damwon 3:1 Victory!

As of now because of Damwon's victory in World LCK are now the number 1 region this year. Of course next year we still have to see MSI and Worlds but for now LCK have reclaimed their number 1 region spot.
 
This was a very emotional moment for me. This took longer than I thought. When LCK first fell I thought they would do better next year but they kept faltering on the international stage. I even thought this day would never come. When I watched LPL to be really honest they were really good. Even at the finals they gave us a hard time. Damwon really won our confidence back.
 

General Ideas

To start I think Suning did better than I expected. Both side have something they regret/fell short and there are many points going for them both but in the end I thought Suning did better than I expected. I predicted a 3:1 but I predicted a much easier 3:1. The won games were all loseable and to be honest I am not sure what would happen if they went to game 5.
 
Looking at Suning it reminds me of the old(young?) Damwon. Overall Damwon are a better team but Suning was really able to play out their style. Just like the name 'Style of Me" Suning was able to play according to their strength and displayed a monstrous performance. To be honest it was really fun seeing them play. Of course it was fun because we won it probably won't be that funny if we lost(IG flashback).
 
This is going to be a short overview of the series. Let's not go too deep on the games itself since we have something else to talk about.

Game 1

SofM Shen Jungle

Last time I talked about Shen and how not everyone can play the champion. There are just some player unable to play the champioin. I don't think SofM was good with Shen but instead, he is just really good with jungling. When you see the game you don't really get the feeling that SofM or even Suning is good with Shen. I don't think Shen is a champion that mesh well with Suning. But SofM is really good with Jungling so in terms of farming and macro he is really good but I don't he played to Shen's strength.
 

Pick/Ban

Damwon picked a pretty traditional comp: Orianna, Ornn, and Graves reminiscent of the group stage and then Ashe/Pantheon. The analyst desk talked about this already but this comp is great even in blind pick(OGN B05 prepared us for this). This comp doesn't really have much weakness and it's a great game 1 comp.
 
Suning on the other hand chooses a very stylish(flavourful) comp which they will continue to do so the entire series. The comp is all about combos with Azir, Wukong, Leona going in while Ezreal deal damage in the back. Azir is good on paper(original: 'concept pick') but it was really hard to use him effectively in-game.
 
Suning's comp was really scary but to put it simply BeryL played out of his mind this game. He was good overall but specifically his positioning before teamfight/objective was really amazing. Because they have Ornn against Shen/Wukong they really can't break sidelines so they have to group around mid. What Suning want to do is catch them offguard with Leona/Azir but BeryL was able to stop them and even catch them before they catch Damwon.
 
You hear this and might think Damwon is unstoppable this game but in reality, it was a really close one. Biin played out of his mind this game. Specifically when Biin who was able to outplay Nuguri and Canyon who came to pick him off. But Biin was able to dodge their skill and survive till Angel and SofM came and clean them up. Wukong wasn't even that ahead. Overall however Damwon did have the advantage but Damwon made some mistakes and we realized that this isn't going to come easy.
 

Sunny Side Up

What is interesting about Suning is that they play around top which is rare and no other team do this. But because Biin is so good they were able to put out a great performance. SofM too was good on enabling Biin while making sure bot doesn't collapse.
 
So Nuguri was really important here. If there was ten ganks then he evaded nine of them. Since top side was Suning's win condition Nuguri did a really good job absorbing the pressure. Sometimes he doesn't even get help and was just expected to survive on his own.

Suning Roster on Paper vs Reality

I don't think Azir is a good pick overall and he is only okay in niche comp like this. But Angel isn't their star player and aside from that Syndra game he didn't really surprise anyone.
 
What is kind of funny is that if you look at Suning on paper they aren't really a scary team. Because one: they play around top side and who the heck play around topside today? Their mid and bot isn't that strong and they are not even that great at Macro. Don't they sound like a weak team? The problem is that you lose even if you know all that. Suning has a particular style and they perfected that style to a tee. (It's like that quote that the best swordman isn't afraid of man with hundred move but man who perfected one single move).

Shen pt. 2

So a lot of people was asking why Shen didn't fall behind like many other Shens. Shen is a level 6 champion and like many other level 6 champions he couldn't keep up the tempo in early game. Suning however played around it and let him grew in the jungle. It was a team effort to keep Shen in the game. Canyon however didn't just slack off. He was able to get many objectives and was really busy. On the other hand Shen was focusing on leveling. This is why Shen didn't fall behind.
 

Game 2

This is a world record game where we have the first pentakill in Worlds Final. This was a really good game from Suning who played almost perfectly. They gave Lucian and picked Syndra who is good against Lucian in exchange. Because Damwon picked Lucian Damwon picked an AP Jungler(Eve) which then they picked Rengar to counter. From a pick/ban point of view it was a work of beauty.
 
Looking at this comp you might have thought Damwon inted in pick/ban. They gave Angel Syndra who is almost a Syndra one trick, they gave Rengar who counters Eve, and they gave Suning Jhin/Leona two of the most contested pick in bot. But in reality, Damwon had the advantage. It was a winnable game for Damwon and there were many reasons why they lost but I think the biggest reason is their failure to adapt.
 
It seems Damwon struggled against Suning surprised picks. You have to play a little differently against Rengar and Showmaker especially seems to panic a bit. And Biin Fiora played flawlessly this game. Canyon and Showmaker to be hoenst made a lot of mistakes this game. There were times where Canyon died with summs and Showmaker didn't do well with Lucian. I wonder what would happen if they played with a bit more caution.
 
To be honest this game might have been a frustrating game for Nuguri. Because to be honest as long as Nuguri was able to hold Biin Damwon should've won. Ornn is really hard to break and they wasn't able to break Ornn but other lane collapsed. Nuguri said in interview that he was angry for playing weakside this game and other games. And to be honest this is a game he deserves to be angry because he was able to hold on his own against Fiora. He did his job but as a tank he can't really do anything when his team collapse. He is really good on Ornn but you can't win against Fiora as Ornn.
 

Lucian

This and Damwon giving G2 Lucian makes me think they are not ready with the pick. It is hard to get practice time with Lucian since he is so contested and if you picked Lucian you need an AP jungler which is also contested and hard to match with other champions. Lucian is a good pick I think everyone agrees with that. But sometime there is picks like that where because it is so contested not everyone are able play them(Like Kalista at her prime).
 

Why Eve Why Not Lillia?

Eve is really good at pressuring enemy team and are great in shutting down Fiora. I don't think the picks are the problem but the in game plays. But you can say that the comp they picked might not been bad but what they gave to enemy team is wrong. Syndra who is Angel best champion, Jhin and Leona the teir 1 bot lane champions. If you look at the game from this perspective then yeah the pick/ban isn't good from Damwon.
 

Millionaire Binn and Vietnam Rengar

But for people who watched the game Biin was insane this game and SofM showed us the peak of Rengar. The analyst desk talked about this but there is some freedom to Rengar. You can go lethality Rengar or Tank Rengar. Usually, for solo alne Lethality Rengar is perferred but SofM was insane with the ping pongs and stack management. Out of the three mustakteer champions: Camille, Fiora, Jax Fiora has the weakest team fighting but with that items, nothing really matter. No matter who you are if Fiora has that many items she has no equal.
 
Even I with that many items could've won.
 
"??????????????????" -Chat
 
Cloudtemplar is currently Plat 3 with a 42%(33 games) winrate on Fiora.

Game 3

If I have to describe this one game with one word it would be: Nuguri. If I have to do it in two then it would Nuguri and BeryL. I am oversimplifing a bit and of course other players did their part too and BeryL was really good but Nuguri was a whole another level. He was able to evade ganks, win lane, and win team fights. Usually it is almost impossible to evade ganks and win lane he really did everything he can do. BeryL also did really good job with Braum.
 
However this was also a close game. Biin picked Jax(one of the three sword champion), Angel on his Akali, and SofM on Nidalee. It was a close game and it could've been a frustrating game for Nuguri because he really everything he can. Especially that time when four of his team mates made bad judgment and died. It almost became the like second game where Nuguri lost because of his team mates when he was doing really well.

All Right, Then. Keep Your Secret

So... people have been asking about the Omnistone runes Biin and SofM used. The thing about Omnistone is that it could be unexpected to the enemy and surprise them of course sometime it also surprise you. It is a gamble and it is really fun to play around that randomness but at the end it is really just for fun. I am really unsure about this. If Wunder told us why then we could have known but Wunder said he is keeping as a secret for next year so... Use it with caution to your LP.
 

Damwon's Biggest Strength

One of the biggest strength Damwon have and also the most important thing in this meta is lane prioirity/dominace. Damwon's bot doesn't falter against HuanFeng/SwordArt and Nuguri is Nuguri so Mid is very important here. But Showmaker is on Syndra so he is able to get lane priority which creates a scenario where all three lane are winning which gives Canyon a lot of space. Because of this it wasn't huge to give Sunnin Nidalee.
 

RED vs BLUE

When you are Red Side you have to give them one pick so what Red usually does is they give the enemy one good pick and take two afterward. Usually Blue take Lucian and there are still many good picks leftover like Jhin, Leona, Syndra.
 
Let's make this simpler. If you are red side you are able to take 2 OP pick against their 1 OP pick. AND you have last pick so you can counter one of their pick. This is why everyone picks Red side. So why does people prefer blue side the early stage of Worlds? This is because not everything was solved. At that time Nidalee, Lillia, Graves was super contested and getting just one of them at the start gave you such big advantage in Jungle. But over time people started to figure out how to play around them so the OPness got smaller. BTW this is normal. Players always find counterpick/style against OP picks and find a way to counter the current meta.

Game 4

There isn't much to talk about this game. Suning seems a bit fatigued and mental seems... a bit down. Suning Pick/ban wasn't that good, their secret picks was already shown, and went into this game a bit worried and exited the game the same way. One important thing is that Showmaker is once again on Syndra and through many adc bans they picked Cait gaining lane priority, Pantheon and Leona has the same role but Pantheon was able to move faster than Leona, and once again they seek to play around top but Nuguri was able hold once again.
 
I think SofM regretted picking Graves this game. I think SofM didn't expect them to lose so much lane priority. Graves is a good pick when you have lane priority and when you don't have lane prioirity you want to pick a ganking jungler. Whether it is Lee sin, Jarvan, or any ganking jungler they would have worked better. As for Kindered wolf was basically in heaven with 3 lane priority giving them free reign. Graves can't gank can't make plays. Other picks would've been better.
 
As for Gankplank he doesn't have as much as outplay potential than Jax, Fiora, Camille so I think Damwon had an easier time dealing with him then the last three games. Of course Damwon did well in pick/ban but you don't win just off of pick/ban they also did well in-game. This is game that I expected to happen. But aside from game 4 all three games was really close and clutch.

Series MVP

So Canyon received the series MVP which continues the feeling that Junglers are dominating the mvp spot after Ning, Tian. Some fan asked me if I can choose who would I choose for MVP. I think I would've chosen Nuguri because to put it simply Nuguri didn't have a single bad game this series. Canyon was a bit... bad in that Evelynn game but Nuguri did well all four games. Even the game they lost he still did well. I think Nuguri was the most consistent player and Canyon did really good but he didn't do good that Evelynn game.
 
BeryL did well too, Ghost did good too and Showmaker. Guys to be honest MVP is really just for show, for celebration. This is a team game everyone did their part to win the trophy. Who held the trophy highter doesn't really matter.

Best Players in Each Role in Worlds

I have always believed that whoever win Worlds are the best in their role ^{If you know my history you would know that to be true} and this is especially true this year. Think of any player that is better than Damwon's roster. There is none. Damwon roster is the best this Worlds.
 
However, who is the second/third is a bit more complicated. I think it is much more interesting to pick 2nd/3rd than to pick first since it is just Damwon.
 

2nd Best Players

Biin
SofM
Caps
Guys Guys Guys. This isn't World top 20 this is my own list. This is my subjective opinion and you can pick whoever you want. This isn't a poll rank. I will explain why I pick Caps later.
 
Marksman is a bit tricky but my pick contenders are: HuanFeng, Ruler, Rekkles
 

Huanfeng

Guys come on aside from that final series what other games did Huangfeng did bad on? Yes, there was some adc gap between him and Ghost but- people who play marksman will know this. They played top side games what can you do when you are playing weakside marksman? Suning always play around top side so how can you expect a weak side marksman to super carry? I am getting frustrating saying this so I am going to pick Huanfeng(lol).
Huanfeng
SwordArt

Why Caps?

Caps isn't as lane dominant as let's say Knight who is the second contender but he is a great playmaker. He made a lot of plays and are crucial to G2 and even in games they struggled Caps still made the best possible choice to win. I picked him because of his game changing playmaking potential.
 
I was going to put Sword as a joke but as you guys are rioting down there I am going to stop here.

Q&A

1. Was there a party?

a. No
 
b. Yes, but I just stayed for a while
 
c. Yes, but I didn't know
 
d. Yes, but I was banned
 
It's one of those

2. Cake?

I don't knw what taste it is since I didn't get get to eat it. I was going to throw the cake to fellow caster's face but then it had Damwon on it so I didn't want to ruin it.

3. Seed Change?

A lot of people have been asking that since we won Worlds would that give us 4 seed? I am not the one in charge but I don't think winning one Worlds automatically gives us 4 seeds. I think it is more about past achievements so this is only the start.

4. Next year?

So people have been asking what LCK will look like next year with the Franchising change and such. I don't know much but I think the region will be more competitive with the influx of money and slot security.
 
Come on guys its only been a couple hours since Damwon won please don't ask where I think the players are going...

5. Cloudtemplar's Schedule

I am not sure how they are going to do All-Star if at all but if they do it I will probably be there.
 
Starting soon I am going on a college tour and will meet many college students interested in League. I have already done this a few times but I am going to do more starting on Monday. If you wanted to meet tell your student council because they are the one giving out invites.
 
To be hoenst student council are such Chads. Like even when I was in High school I would see my seniors playing basketball or soccer and I think they are so cool. I usually just sit in a corner and talked about video game with my friends. I remember we would talked about last night game and break the game down. We would do our own draft and compare it. I think this is something our fellow gamers could relate like we would gather around during Lunch and talked about draft, pick/ban, and where/what we should play tonight.
 
I enjoyed it. It was my childhood and to be honest it was fun. I remember before video game we would make our story and people role play(it's kind of like DnD). Like we would have one DM and one artist and we will play out our story. One would be mage one would be barabainians and then DM would be like "Ah a monster appeared what would you do?" and we will be "attack", "run", "poke his butt hole". The story would go on for weeks and every time we had break we would gather around and play. It was really fun. Some people are laughing but I know some here could relates to it.
 

6. Stage, Opening

So to give my honest opinion I was quite dissapointed at first but then I was like "it's okay" at the end. The Galio wasn't too bad and I think at the end it got better. I don't think it's not that bad. It picked up at the end.

7. Oberservor

To be really honest the Obseror was really meh. It was kind of frustrating because I am seeing so many things but they are not showing them. I am good at casting from watching minimap and it is something I am proud of but... At one point we just stopped talking about things because we know that the oberservor won't show them. It is not like they can hear us so we can't really do anything about it...
 
But it's okay cause Damwon won. These things happens time to time let's just move on. When we host it we will do better.

8. Crowd

A lot of people was complaining about the crowd and how it was a library. Let's be the better man here and let it slide. And to be honest LPL crowd didn't have obligation to cheer for us. Just like how LCK fan doesn't have to cheer for them they don't also have to cheer for us. These things sometime happens in Sport like people would go completely silent after a homerun from other team.
 
And someone pointed this out but at least they didn't boo'ed us. When I was playing against TPA the whole crowd was cheering for TPA. Like when they killed a ward they would chant "TPA, TPA, TPA"(because of screen sneak peak/cheating incident everyone hated Azu Frost at that time). As long as they don't cheer against or boo us I am okay with it. You guys are asking too much.

10. Hope for LCS?

I think they either have to grow their player domestically or they have to be more open to spending money. I said this before but I think having more S tier player in a region elvate the region as a whole. So they might want to get more S tier player to NA. They don't want to come? Slap them with so much money they are having a second thought, second house, and second wife.
 
To be honest though they are already spending way too much money. What they have to do is spend money on the right player and cut those who does not deserve it. They have to paint the region as a region that pay you a lot if you perform and not just give money for free. Right now they are just spending money they have to spend money more realistically and smartly.
 
I am not saying they should get more Korean but just imports in general.

11. Championship Skin

I wanted to see Nuguri pick Ornn but tank champion in general doesn't get much love. And Nuguri Kennen have always came out when they needed him the most so I think it is okay for him to pick Kennen.
 
Canyon said it is either Graves or Nidalee and I think those two are fine. Probably going to sell a lot once it come out. Oh he said he picked graves? That's pretty cool.
 
As for mid he said he is picking TF which is fine. Akali would have been good too since he got famous for the pick but I don't think he picked her this World. I am not sure about Syndra since she already have a skin. Picking TF is actually kind of huge since he was one of the oldest champion and was in and out of the meta quite often. He is quite popular too.
 
Hmm I wonder who Ghost is going to pick. Oh he is picking Jhin? Hmm I don't think Jhin fit quite well... Draven? I don't think that sell well so I am not sure... Ashe? Ashe is good too Ashe is also a beta champion like TF. She is also many people's first champion because of tutorial... Wait they changed it? It's no longer Ashe? I guess time changes but wow I can't beleive they changed it... I feel old now.
 
BeryL should just pick Pantheon. It is going to sell well too. What? He is picking Leona? Oh man Pantheon skin would have been nice because you flex him in any role so he is more versatille. I guess I have to respect his personal opinion. Hopefully the skin would look good.

Conclusion

I know it is easy to just say LCK won and celebrate but this didn't come in one day. This came with many hardworks and please don't think only Damwon contributed. A lot teams worked hard for this moment and they made each other strong doing so. So many of them were like "I don't want to fight cause we might lose" then the coaches will be like "fight cause that's the only way we can get better." The teams decided to change and this is the result of it.
 

The Future of Cloudtemplar channel

So I have been doing this kind of stuff for a while and this one marks the final episode of the year. I've done this with Pony, with guest speaker, and even just myself and I am thankful for the fans and the attention I have gotten. From a youtuber perspective it is really hard for a hours long video to get any view. In Youtube short video are the one that get attention and viewership. Even I don't want to watch hour long video so I really appreciate you guys watching.
 
I have said this before but I have many things to learn and improve on. I don't have talent, I don't have skill, and all I can really do is try my best. There is a lot of time where I just want to stop everything and I wonder do I really need to do this much? Do I really need to live a life where I get cussed everyday? I have confidence that I can do this but it is hard somtimes. Most people don't know how hard I work and to be honest that's just life. You work hard nobody notices and you make one mistakes everyone notices. I guess that's just something we have to overcome. Anyway thank you guys for the support see you guys next time.

Hello everyone. The new wipe has been awesome (atleast for me). So I decided to write a long ass post in which I discuss stuff. (tl;dr at the bottom)
The long stretch before has made many of us quit, or atleast play less. I was one of those that played less, but my mind has been on tarkov for that time. I thought much about how the game operates, which is no wonder, since I have been playing the game with kivers and forts in a land where Head eyes was nothing but a wet dream of Nikita.
When I first started out, I had massive Gearfear, many new and old players will probalby know that feeling. In all this time I overcame Gearfear, but to be completly fair, this is the first Wipe where I got completly rid of it. I see often in Twitch chat that so many new players have Gearfear and ask how they can get rid of it.
I have many Tips and tricks to do so, but those tips only made playing easier, but never lifted this fear of of me. Tips like, just start with a pistol and learn to survive to get loot out of the raid into your stash. A pistol gives you a fighting chance, while the one or two items you bring out will give you enough money back to buy another pistol or more. Up to Tricks like a fairly recent thing I noticed, bring atleast a ScavBP. It has 20 slots, with an average of 10k per slot you have an average of atleast 200k per survived raid, while the BP itself costs 16k or less if you craft it in the hideout. So you could run about 12 raids with a ScavBP, you just need to survive one with a full BP and you have enough money for the next 12 raids. Which is with an average Raid length of 20 min about 4h of playtime.
But all those tips and tricks never realy got me over the fear itself, those were just mechanism to cope with it. And now we are coming to a sad attempt of a philosophy student to think about a Post Apocalyptic not realy Realistic Realism Battle Loot and Survival Simulator we all know and love.
Whats the Point of Tarkov? Tarkov is by far no competitive game. It realy doesnt matter if you have 1% Survival rate or 100% survival rate, it doesnt matter how many Kills you have, and something that might supprise many of you, especially the new players, it doesnt matter how much money you have. You might ask, why all should nothing of this matter. First of all, we have no leaderboards (atleast not anymore), the game is in beta and full of bugs, which is bad for competitiveness. Also, all those stats can be manipulated by your style of play, the gear you take in and all those tiny details. You can have 70% winrate and a 15 kd, but someone with a makarov and nothing else could have the same stats while you were wearing the skin of a chad. I would definitley say the makarov guy is better (unless he uses hacks), but the stats wont show that.
"But what about money", you might ask. "Isnt it important to have a huge pile of money? If you have 300 million, you will not have Gearfear, I want 300 million to not have gearfear", you might say. That may be one way to get rid of Gearfear, but then comes the all mighty wipe and you will lose all of your 300 million and Gearfear has its fingers tightly around your neck again.
Now we get into the philosophy stuff. I mainly talk about a Philosophy course I had about Gifts and Gift culture (yes culture as in different cultures and how they handle gifts, in some way even as economy). The Book we talked about or atleast the conclusion from that book (sorry, I study in Germany, I dont know and couldnt find the english title) was Marcel Mauss - Die Gabe (Gabe = gift) with the translated subtitle "form and function of exchange in archaic societys". Its a good read, not so bloated with poposterous philosophical language because it was written by an economist. I wont discuss the book, but use its conclusion.
​

1. Money and Wealth

One of the Conclusions the book came to was that we live in an enviorment in which we have all the nessesary Resources, but to live in harmony with our surroundings, we have to use up resources, that we harvested, instead of piling them up. Piled up Resources is a form of "energy" which will lead to death and destruction (quite funny in context of Tarkov, because the resources themself will cause death and destruction, while not using them will do the oposite, but in Tarkov we **want** death and destruction). Mauss comes from the times of WW1 in which exactly this happened. Young people were used up in a War wich was only there because some countrys piled up wealth while others didnt or couldnt, the countrys without wealth wanted the wealth and started wars (to put it in extremly simplistic and probably not accurate terms, sorry history nerds). The only way Mauss saw, that wars like that never happen again was, that he advocates to use piled up resources, and bring them back "to the masses" in a gift culture, or use them up in decadence, or other ways, just use them up and dont pile them up.
What has this to do with tarkov you might ask. We have unlimited resources in tarkov. We just have to harvest them. But just piling them up will cause distress. You wont truly experince tarkov when you will only run a hatchet. Use your money, see your gear as decadence. You came to this game because everything is fucking cool. There are cool armors, cool weapons, cool attatchments, cool clothes, and if you use them cool PMCs and cool fights with other cool PMCs. And **dont forget, resources are unlimited**. You cant truly run out of money, because you are connected to a world, which is full of money. Every time you start a Raid, new money is generated, and **you are in the land of milk and honey**. Ofcourse you have to fight sometimes to get those precious roubles, but that will get me to my next point.

1. How to be immortal

Immortal? As in Unkillable? YES! Without hacks, just with a little bit of Philosophy. In the same course about gifts, we talked about other texts, not only that book I mentioned. One text gave a different perspective to the subject matter, not an economist perspective, but a more Philosophical one. When we gift someone something, why do we do that? There are multiple answeres (welcome to Philosophy), but the one that stuck with me is the following: If you make someone a gift, it will create a moment. But what exactly is a moment? A moment is in Time, but when you are in the moment, Time is meanigless. After you created the moment, you wont sit there and count the seconds of that moment, but you will remember that moment, Timeless. You, like many others, have many great memories. Those memories are moments which are frozen in Time, always there for you to remember. Those moments, are immortal, undying, and they can never unhappen.
"What is if you die, then these moments will die with you", might say. When you die, you cant remember those supposedly immortal moments, because you are dead (unless you are Religious, then Im truly sorry for you, that you have to live an eternity which is the scariest thought I could have). Here is the catch, the Universe will remember. How the world is today, was shaped by all those billions of people that lived before us, that you dont even Remember. As we go along and create our moments, we truly become immortal, because we happened. You cant take back that you happened, its a fact that you happened. And the fact that you happened, the fact that there are moments frozen in Time, in which you were, makes you Immortal. Maybe people wont remember you, but the Universe will. Just by beeing, you take up space which otherwise other atmos would have taken up. Just by walking, you push atoms around you, which will push other atoms, which will push other atoms in an endless cycle. Just by beeing, you get engraved into the causal chain of this universe. You will be a block in the Pyramid of things that cause other things. This chain will go on into the future, and your actions (or inactions) will be engraved into this exact chain, for all of eternity that will come. This is Imortality.
"But what has this existential crisis to do with tarkov?" All we do in tarkov is create moments, that we are fond remembering. Remember the time you killed a 5 man with a mosin on woods without any armor? (You maybe wont, but I will, and the poor 5 guys will too). That happened, and no one will ever make it unhappen. That moment will forever be one of those moments why I love tarkov. All we do is create memories, create moments. The Guy who only hatchet runs will only remember the time he did that. Thats why I encourage you to use cool Gear, use all that cool stuff. Because only when you use this stuff, go in a raid and play the damn game, only then will you have the oportunity to create everlasting cool moments that you will have joy remembering.

1. Ace of Spades

Now we take an abrupt turn into the metal zone. Im talking about the lyrics of Motörheads (RIP Lemmy) Ace of Spades.
" If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man You win some, lose some, all the same to me
The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say I don't share your greed, the only card I need is the Ace of Spades"
Tarkov is a gamble. And this Quote from the lyrics of Ace of Spades encapsulates Tarkov perfectly. You win some, you lose some. All the same will happen to me (or it makes no difference depending on how you interpret it), and to everyone in Tarkov. But its not about winning or losing, its not about your greed to always win, and never lose, its about the pleasure to play.
This is a hard one for me, because I am by nature a sore loser. Since I was a kid, I dispised losing. I learned to not act on those feelings, but they are still there. And they come up while playing Tarkov. Losing in tarkov feels so devastating, so final, so harsh, so bad. I could list so many feelings I have towards dieing in Tarkov. But Tarkov is not about losing. When I win, it feels so good, usualy I feel badass, accomplished, in short I feel realy realy good. But its not about winning either (even though this is arguable, as this is a survival Game). I am realy greedy if I want to always win/survive. It is not a Gamble if you always win, and Tarkov is a Gamble, therfore, you have to lose. After all, we want the pleasure of play. Remember the 5 Guys I killed on woods with a mosin? I didnt mention, that I didnt survive the Raid. I looted those guys, and a 3rd party solo killed me looting. But I remember this moment, because this was the pleasure of playing Tarkov. And there are many people out there, I have talked to, some of them in Twitch chats, who had awesome fights in which they lost, but the fight was so awesome, so nevewreckingly cool, that they came out of it with pure Joy. This is the way of Tarkov!
Hello to the end, thank you if you read all of that! I hope this helps you on your quest to kill everything in a pixel show on your screen!
(If you didnt read it, I cant blame you, as this is a long ass post about Philosophy, but you will never know what you missed. Maybe there is the Answere to everything up there, and you never expected it to be half of what everyone thinks it is [21 istead of 42], but you will never know)
tl;dr:

1. Resources are Unlimited, use your stuff! Be Decadent!
   
2. You play Tarkov to create great memorys about great fights, not about running a hatchet to a loot room.
   
3. You win some, you lose some, but this is not the game. The game is having awesome fights with cool Gear, that you can boast about to your friends (if you have some unlike me)
   

​
P.S.: Im sorry for every spelling mistake I made, but even though I read and write alot, I still have mild form of dyslexia. (and I am from Germany, go figure)

#10 Danielle Staub - 85 points
solovelysosoft - 5 points, readingrachelx - 10 points, BasilGavin - 15 points, MagnificentMistral - 5 points, percybitchshelley - 10 points, heartdeco - 10 points, insuredbycoto - 10 points, Amorzinho95 - 10 points, DanaPam - 10 points
solovelysosoft says: "If reality television can be a showcase for extreme human behavior, why not cast Danielle? She really shouldn’t be anywhere near this show given how precarious her whole mental health situation seems to be, but she filmed those two seasons and then the friend of seasons and there are no takebacks! Whereas I feel like the women could afford to be 500,000 times more compassionate to her, wow she’s really into boiling bunnies and such isn’t she?"
BasilGavin says: "The only reason NJ has ever been compelling to me. Bringing the Hell's Angels to a charity event for a baby with cancer is chef's kiss. We'll never have another like her, mainly because I think the psych eval is more strict these days."
MagnificentMistral says: "I only really enjoy New Jersey when Danielle is around, even if everyone else is resolutely refusing to film with her! Permanent deranged drama. My favourite Danielle Detail is the fact that they discover her sordid past via a… true crime novel? It makes the whole storyline feel like such a fascinating relic. Ah, the 2000s. The days before Bill Gates created the Internet."
heartdeco says: "the early rhonj comparisons to the sopranos were inevitable, but danielle staub is legitimately a tertiary sopranos character (either one of tony’s fatal attraction affairs, or the mouthy girlfriend of some low-level capo [she would absolutely end up getting murdered either way (no, danielle, that’s not a threat)])."
insuredbycoto says: "Perhaps my controversial opinion is that early “iconic” NJ is actually not that great. I say that not because I didn’t enjoy those seasons, but what would they be without Danielle Staub? She carried NJ to notoriety and while Teresa got to be the big breakout OG, my heart belongs to Danielle. She has a seedy and tragic backstory that fuels her with the kind of trauma you need to bring the Hell’s Angels to a baby cancer charity event. Is bye a threat?"
Danielle Staub says: "I shouldn't have had that onion bagel".
#9 Gamble Breaux - 91 points
rajavirgo - 11 points, solovelysosoft - 20 points, readingrachelx - 10 points, BasilGavin - 15 points, MagnificentMistral - 20 points, heartdeco - 10 points, insuredbycoto - 5 points
solovelysosoft says: "Gamble brings a perfect mix of self-aware irony and batshit energy to the table. She is far from the only housewife who is aware that she is responsible for making television whenever she’s on camera, but I think by far she has the most fun doing it. I’d also like to highlight that while she’s a natural entertainer, I don’t think she’s much of an actress. Her relationships with her husband and stepson appear very real and heartfelt to me."
BasilGavin says: "Buying Janet a title off the internet just to troll Venus is one of my favourite moves in HW history. It's just so petty and funny and perfect television. Gamble is an underrated gem."
MagnificentMistral says: "Gamble is just fantastic. She’s been centre stage every season since she arrived, consistently delivering the drama, the laughs and the quotes that we all love. Season 2, the rumours that continually sent her into a meltdown. Season 3, the wedding and its aftermath. Season 4, the breakdown of her relationship with Gina, featuring Mrs Wolfe sends her regards like the fucking Godfather, and her trolling Venus with a fake lordship before she’s ever even met her. Talent."
heartdeco says: "it’s probably to gamble’s great benefit that we’ve caught her in a relatively stable, cheerful time in her life (gamble + woofa + lukey 4eva) because between various incidents from her past, the box of roses to gina, the entire land ownership saga with venus, etc., there’s all kinds of indications that gamble would be a nightmare ex-girlfriend if truly unleashed."
insuredbycoto says: "Melbourne is such an ensemble that it’s hard to pick your favourite housewife. And yet it’s easy for me to say Gamble! Gamble is the perfect mix of smart, witty, unhinged, and charming to completely win me over. She understands housewives and plays it tongue in cheek but also if you gossip about her alleged sex work past to eeeeeveryone in Melbourne then she’ll tell people you fuck for heroin. She’s got a sweet family and cute dogs, too."
#8 Candiace Dillard Bassett - 98 points
solovelysosoft - 20 points, readingrachelx - 20 points, BasilGavin - 12 points, MagnificentMistral - 10 points, percybitchshelley - 10 points, heartdeco - 10 points, insuredbycoto - 10 points, un_velo - 1 point, DanaPam - 5 points
solovelysosoft says: "You don’t have to like her, but she is never boring. As it happens, I don’t just like her; I love her. I don’t know what the recipe to Candiace’s success: perhaps an overflowing well of charisma, an extremely enthusiastic willingness to get involved in the show and the ability to seem more human than is ordinary for a housewife. While there are plenty of housewives who are way more antisocial and bizarre than Candiace, I find her more than most to come off as someone who tries her best but is constantly undermined by her emotions. A lot of housewives have way too much confidence approaching (or reaching) delusion. While I think Candiace’s confidence is apparent, there’s a shakiness to it that makes her seem human instead of deluded and pushes her over the edge for me."
MagnificentMistral says: "There’s… a lot going on here. Her mother, a therapist, is actually responsible for fucking her up and giving her a lot of issues she needs to work on with a therapist! Because of this, I really feel for Candiace, and it makes for some awfully compelling television. Also probably because of this, she’s compulsively abrasive to everyone else in order to give me, the viewer, what I want, which is drama!"
heartdeco says: "of all the housewives who drive internet commenters to blithering madness simply by existing, candiace is the least evil. i’ve never quite been able to pinpoint her energy — veronica lodge with a sociopath mother? hilary banks with a tissue rectangle? gina rio if she weren’t in on the joke? either way, i’m forever rooting for my favourite poor little rich girl, and forever looking for my own chris bassett: a man to hold me down during the good times, the bad times, and the times when i’m about to maim ashley darby for disrespecting my mother in her my home."
insuredbycoto says: "Has any housewife with such a short tenure managed to become so iconic? We’re only three seasons into Candiace’s housewifing and I’m obsessed and would rank her in my top 10, maybe top 5 housewives ever. She’s so volatile and impulsive due to her short temper that she’s incapable of self-producing. She puts the real in real housewives, no matter how ugly it may be. I’d also nominate her alongside Kenya for wittiest housewife."
#7 Vicki Gunvalson - 115 points
rajavirgo - 10 points, solovelysosoft - 20 points, readingrachelx - 10 points, BasilGavin - 10 points, percybitchshelley - 5 points, heartdeco - 10 points, insuredbycoto - 10 points, Amorzinho95 - 10 points, DanaPam - 30 points
solovelysosoft says: "How do you write a “short paragraph” about Vicki? I guess it’s easier when you know everyone who is reading the paragraph already knows that she is an absolute machine: an accomplished businesswoman who is nevertheless extremely insecure at a high school level; a screaming wreck who somehow has the charm and charisma to win people to her side (even after playing a role in a cancer hoax); a loose cannon who manages to tell the truth even when it doesn’t suit her purposes; and a quote machine with a sense of humor that is not particularly high-brow but is still scathing and hilarious. Forever may we whoop it up at Andale’s."
BasilGavin says: "I haven't seen all of OC and so I don't revere Vicki the way that many people do, but the cancer scam season is one of the most riveting things I've ever seen on TV"
heartdeco says: "on a show where everyone is specifically bred in a lab to trigger the raisedbynarcissists crowd, vicki gunvalson is maybe the most textbook clinical narcissist. i love the constant whiff of malingering and medical fraud in the air around her — not just the cancer scam, but the glamis accident, the icelandic palpitations, influenza b."
insuredbycoto says: "What is there that can’t be said about Vicki? That she’s a remotely appealing human? Ok FINE, yes, she’s down there alongside the most reprehensible housewives of all time, but she’s always my favourite housewife. I love her narcissism, her neediness, her lack of shame, and how real she is. She’s true to being an insecure, shrieky workaholic and I hope she returns to my screen very soon."
#6 Karen Huger - 121 points
solovelysosoft - 10 points, readingrachelx - 15 points, BasilGavin - 20 points, MagnificentMistral - 10 points, percybitchshelley - 10 points, heartdeco - 6 points, insuredbycoto - 5 points, un_velo - 25 points, Amorzinho95 - 10 points, DanaPam - 10 points
solovelysosoft says: "Karen has a gift for mixing intentional wit with sloppy lying. She doesn’t shut down when confronted, she just thinks up a new lie to tell. I find that admirable. To this day, it really appears to me that La Dame was something she came up with just to stop Gizelle from snooping in her business. Season 3 was really a great showing, one of the best single-character showcases of all time. I don’t think anyone really believed in Potomac the way they do now until she marble-mouthed some bullshit about needing to make millions to owe millions in episode one and then holding a disastrous press conference in episode two to tell everyone to mind their business."
BasilGavin says: "She's teetering on the edge of self-parody, but she's giving so much more of her real life this year that it's grounded her and made her a better HW all-around. As good as she's always been, she really is having a breakout year."
MagnificentMistral says: "I think season 3 of Potomac really brought Karen together and made her a legend, and by extension probably saved the series by finally giving the other women something tangible and Housewives-y to mobilise in relation to. Denials and delusion are the keys to many fantastic Housewives, and Karen is no exception. Her bubble bursting provided us with a relentless onslaught of entertainment."
heartdeco says: "from the jump, it was clear karen was gonna be a jill or a luann. happily, she became a luann — she got in on the joke and embraced her reputation as a kitsch icon, and now no one cares that her home, marriage, business and finances are all fraudulent. just part of that fragrant la’dame charm."
insuredbycoto says: "In recent days Karen has been lauded as a righteous, reasonable queen. The viewers have gotten it wrong once again! Karen Huger absolutely deserves to be stanned but it’s because she is still a delusional, lying ass mess. She may have retreated from the highs of S3 delusional Karen, but we still see glimmers of that same mess we all fell for."
And we're down to our top 5! I'll probably finish the whole thing off on either Friday or Saturday night (my time anyway). Discuss!
u/readingrachelx u/heartdeco u/insuredbycoto u/solovelysosoft u/DanaPam u/Amorzinho95 u/BasilGavin u/percybitchshelley u/un_velo u/MagnificentMistral

It’s been just over three weeks since we officially broke up. But five rocky years of falling second to his addictive personality. He has struggled with alcohol and gambling addictions I believe his whole adult life and I seem to be the only one who actually gives a shit. When he goes too far and does something stupid, everyone thinks it’s funny because it’s doesn’t affect them. Therefor, leaving me feeling very alone when I tell him it’s not normal behaviour. I left him once before when the drinking got so out of hand I caught him out drink driving my car! That was absolutely not acceptable for me, nor should it be acceptable to anyone, but I also grew up with alcoholic parents who put me at risk many times by drink driving. He knows this and sadly used it AGAINST me. Said I was over reacting because of them.
Of course I never would have entered this relationship if this was how it started. I know there’s a honeymoon stage but this is a little different. When I met him I was new to town and had no idea about his reputation. He had been off the drink for months, gotten himself healthy and into shape and I wasn’t aware it wasn’t always like that. The first year moved pretty quickly as I had never ever had someone be so sweet to me without any games. He was not afraid to tell me how much he liked me from the get go which was so foreign to me. He was 12 years older, something I never thought I would consider, but thought that must have been what I needed all this time. Someone older as men my age were too embarrassed to commit. Like it was uncool.
I had moved to a new town because I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship of four years where he also ended up being an addict... to prescription painkillers, or anything he could get his hands on. There was only a two month gap between these two relationships which was pretty silly as I was still healing from past traumas but I just felt this guy was too good not to give a chance. He was initially much more into me than I was him as I was reserved about the age difference... thinking I may not be mature enough for him. That’s pretty laughable now.
What made me fall hard and fast was how he was how he was nothing like my ex partner! He was considerate, made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world, would do anything to make me happy, even if it made him look less manly or his friends would make fun of him, he just genuinely loved seeing me happy. Small gifts to show that he was thinking of me for no reason. Really listened to things I would say, things I didn’t even remember saying, them and surprise me with them later. Would not entertain other girls at all. I thought I had learnt my lesson and finally had it made! Saw all those sad relationship quotes that I used to relate to and would flick my hair like that ain’t me! I was ready to marry this guy 6 months in.
I’ve been reading a lot about addicts to trying and understand if what was the happiest time in my life was even real. I don’t know if this was just love bombing? A hard pill to swallow if that’s the case but I truly think he did love me at that time. I don’t know. For him to not drink for almost a year makes me think he really was trying and that that is the real him under the substance. Unfortunately it’s been a long 4 years of waiting for that person to come back and it’s only gotten worse. He broke up with me this time because he said it was “morally irresponsible” to stay with me and that he just wasn’t ready. I’m 26 and he’s just turned 38. So if he’s not ready now he probably never will be right?
I feel crazy that I’m hanging onto such a small fraction of our relationship and that maybe I just fell a fool to his manipulation and this is how it goes with all of his relationships but I just care so much. I don’t know how to turn it off. I don’t know how to stop believing he can and will wake up to himself one day. My gut tells me he was supposed to be the one for me. He was my protector. My biggest fan. Hugging him to this day is still overwhelming how much I feel I never want to let go. Everyone loves to just say you’re too young, move on but I’m an old soul and I would give up my best years to help him through this if it meant us coming out the other side like I believe we can. The year we spent broken up, I saw what was out there, I realised how rare this mans heart is and we never stopped checking in on each other. Were always there if the other one needed. The drinking was the only issue we had.
Please send a girl some advice.

Author's note: Mornin' y'all! This is chapter 29, and I completed the first draft of 32 last night just before I went to bed, which says I'll be able to keep this Wednesday and Sunday schedule for at least a couple of weeks.
Ok, so far I've tried to play this all pretty straight, but this is the point where things begin to go off the rails. Some of the equipment I describe is stuff which I haven't built yet, or hasn't been fully completed.
But most of the vehicles I'll be describing do have some basis in reality, at least as far as having the base chassis, and many of the parts for them. ;-) So Fess is going to have access to gear that doesn't actually exist yet. I'll stick with the plan of not giving him extra skills, and not too much extra knowledge. But he might get the chance to look a few things up. ;-)
I'd like to shout out a big thanks to those who threw me some cash after the last chapter. It's pretty amazing to me that people like my story that much. I hope it continues to please. If anyone else also wants to buy Fess a beer, there's the link. 🤪
As ever, comments and corrections welcome. On with the story!
First / Previous / Next
I had been reminded of an ancient Korean rocket powered arrow mitrailleuse by something, and while I wasn't entirely certain we could make it work, I suggested to Oz that they should start harvesting saltpeter from the moose middens. It would be something on the order of a year before the mixture was ready, but it would at least be moving in the right direction. And being vastly long lived, a year was nothing to them, as long as we could keep them alive in the meantime.
I felt pretty bad for whatever poor bastard that had to do the job, though. Hopefully they had some really good soap available.
Anneke was being annoyingly persistent in her refusal to go back to Earth.
"Look, you realize that we might lose, right? The trolls are vile. I saw things in that city that were utterly abhorrent. I… I just don't want you to get hurt."
"Fess, I like it here. Sisme likes me, Friday likes me, hell, even Oz likes me. I've been learning some of their language. I do not want to go back to my aunt and uncle. I'd rather die here, if that's what is going to happen, than go back to my old life."
Fucking teenagers. Oh gods, I really am old.
I tried a different tack. "Death is not the worst possible fate, here. You might get to watch your friends die, and then be enslaved for the rest of your life."
"You won't let that happen."
I must have done something exceptionally horrible in a past life to deserve this.
"Besides, you can't make me go. You aren't a wizard. Even if you tried to force me, Friday and Oz just wouldn't cast the spell, and you can't do it yourself. And I've told them that I don't want to go."
Well, she wasn't wrong. But I already wasn't a fan of gambling, and suddenly the stakes were even higher than anything before.
"Ok, darlin', you win. You're right. I can't make you go. I really wish you would, though. I'm going to have enough on my mind as it is without having to worry about you while I'm out fighting."
Guilt is always a good strategy, right?
"Well, I'll just come with you. Then you can protect me."
Ah. I see that I apparently actually died at some point and ended up in Hel instead of Valhalla.
"No. No you will not. I can see that I have lost this negotiation, but there is precisely zero chance that you are coming along when the army goes to fight. And if you even try, I will learn magic if that's what it takes and I will send you home myself. Even if I have to break the entire universe to make it happen."
"See, I knew that you really loved me."
Holy shit, I really am in Hel.
"I do, but there's a distinction to be made betwixt eros and agape. You'll be happier if you think of me as a cousin. A much, much older cousin. So very old. Ancient, even."
She glared at me, but it was amateur night compared to other folks that have glared at me. I've been glared at by the very best. Hah!
"Look, fine. You're not going back to Earth, but I still have to. Hug?"
She sighed, and walked up and wrapped her arms around my lower back, 'cause she's tiny. I basically ended up hugging her head. I tried to not, y'know, suffocate her.
We let go, and with that, it was time for me to go.
We walked down to the chamber we'd both shown up in. Oz and Friday were there and the candles were lit. With a very detailed set of plans in my pocket for the setup I'd need to draw when it was time to come back, I walked into the circle that would send me home.
"Oz, Friday, Anneke. I'll see you again in eight days. Ok. Git 'er done."
Oz raised his arms, made a gesture, and with the same strange lurch as before, I was back in my kitchen. Just in time, apparently, as a few minutes after I arrived, I heard the front door open, and my housemate walk in.
"Hey, dude. How are things?" I asked him.
"Where the fuck have you been?"
Man. Jack was pissed.
Which, fair enough, from his perspective I had just disappeared for a month with absolutely no notice. And he had also been the one who had stumbled across my suicide note that one time. Early, which was why I was still here.
Still, it's not like I had missed paying rent on time.
"Look, I get it, you're bent out of shape. I got called away suddenly-"
"AND YOU COULDN'T ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE? OR A TEXT? OR ANYTHING?"
I shrugged casually. "No signal."
"GODDAMMIT! YOU-"
"QUIT FUCKING YELLING AT ME!"
He stopped. "Ok, fine. Point. Where were you, anyway?"
"Honestly? You don't want to know. You know how it is, sometimes…"
"Ugh. Fess, you know I love you like a brother, but you can be a really crappy person to live with at times. You didn't even do the dishes before you left."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. Look, I hate to be like this, but I'm going to have to take off again for a while. I'll be around for about eight days, and then I'm going to be gone again for a bit. I'm not sure how long, even. It could be a few months. I'll kick you rent for six months tomorrow. If I'm not back by then… I may not be coming back at all."
"DUDE!"
"No, it's not like that. I'm going on a long trip, things are going to get pretty hairy. I'll have backup, at least. But it's quite possibly the most important thing I've ever done. Time to hoist the black flag."
"Shit."
"That's pretty much what I said."
He looked at me for a while, not saying anything. Then he just opened his arms, stepped forward, and wrapped them around me in a fierce hug. "Come back alive, you bastard."
"I'm going to do my best", I replied, returning the hug as good as I got.
"I'll keep an eye on the news."
"This isn't going to make the news."
He let go and stepped back far enough to give me a highly skeptical look.
"You're going to knock over a government and it's not going to be in the news?"
Jack might know me a little too well.
"What makes you think that?"
"You're going somewhere you can't tell me about, doing something you can't tell me about, and say that if you aren't back in six months you're probably going to be dead. I've known you for thirty years, Fess. What else could it be?"
"I mean… okay. So it's probably the logical conclusion to draw, given my history of ranting about the evils of government. But that's a bit ambitious, even for me," I said with a grin. "I mean, I could just be going off to permanently handle a group of particularly ugly kidnappers who managed to really piss me off."
The funny part was when that actually made him relax a little.
"Oh. Yeah, okay, that's more reasonable, I suppose. You can't get the cops to deal with it? You really have to do it yourself?"
"Where I'm going… no. There's no one else who can deal with it."
"What's her name?"
"What makes you think there's a girl involved?"
He raised one eyebrow and just looked at me.
"Okay, so there's a girl involved. Screw you," I said with a smile. "Her name is Anneke."
"Don't think I've met her."
"She's from Berlin."
"Ahh. So this is Charm related stuff?"
"Oddly enough, no. Same city, but he doesn't know her." I hesitated for a moment. "She's only sixteen."
I don't have kids. Jack does. Twins, a boy and a girl. Thirteen years old. His gaze darkened visibly.
"Kill 'em all."
"I'll be doing everything I can to make sure that they never hurt anyone else."
Jack sighed. His eyes bored into mine, willing my survival. Then he just gave me another quick hug and said, "Don't do anything stupid, yeah?"
"If you can't do something smart, do something right."
"You're quoting Jayne? That's not enhancing my calm, brother."
"Hey, at least I'm going to have grenades!"
"You throw like a girl!"
"That's why I'm going to use a grenade launcher."
He started laughing. I started laughing. He laughed harder, and that set me to cackling, and for a couple of minutes we just howled blackest mirth at an uncaring universe. Then he punched me in the shoulder and said, "Fine. Strength and honor."
My face went solemn.
"Strength and honor", I echoed.
I went looking for crossbow parts online and pretty quickly abandoned that plan. They were available, but not in the quantities I'd need at a price I could swing. I did order a case of ballpoint pens for Friday, along with a couple of sets of nice surgical steel ob-gyn tools and some medical texts. I also bought everything on William Lind's 4th Gen Warfare reading list.
It was all going to be here at the house in three days. Thank the gods for Amazon Prime. I snerked when I thought about how I'd gotten way farther off Earth than Blue Origin had managed, though.
That accomplished, I opened my gun safe and started putting things into cases. I loaded cases of ammo and ammo cans of full magazines into my truck, then stuck the rifles into storage cabinets in the back of the box.
Heh, my truck. Originally a '91 Dodge Ram based ex-service ambulance, I had nicknamed it "Mercury". There had been extensive modifications since I first bought it, though. I never can seem to leave well enough alone. Starting life as a two wheel drive truck with an automatic transmission, well, that was never going to last.
Following a very cold day in the snow and freezing rain at the local junkyard for their Black Friday sale, I had harvested all of the parts from a manual transmission factory 4x4 model for a remarkably good price. A rebuilt NV4500, a Dana 70 up front and a Dana 80 in the rear, riding on 8.25-16 Michelin XZLs, it's the only thing like it anywhere, I'm pretty sure.
I had also done a bit of work to the engine. Take a stock 160 horse Cummins 12v, add all the fueling and turbo parts someone else just 'had' to upgrade in their P7100 truck, play with the governor springs and add bigger injectors, plumb in a supercharger to feed the turbo, actually tune the bloody thing, and suddenly you get 300 horsepower… and 750 foot pounds of torque from 900 rpm on up.
The best part is, aside from turning the starter, the only electronic piece anywhere in the power train is for the fuel solenoid, and even that can be manually overridden. Sure, it's hard to run the lights without electricity, but you can still move. And since it's a manual, it can be bumpstarted.
And despite the power increase, it gets 25 mpg on the freeway, as long as I keep my foot out of it. Ok, so that doesn't actually happen very often. A four inch exhaust system pieced together out of mandrel bends and either MIG welded together or utilizing tractor trailer style band clamps terminates in a stack running up the front of the passenger side of the ambulance box. A giant cow catcher style brush guard bumper with interlocking angle iron to protect the intercooler and radiator in the front, and a massive slab of 4x12 inch rectangular tubing in the back as part of a 20,000 pound trailer hitch rounded things out.
It had been a ridiculous amount of work and would never be worth what I'd put into it, but it was nearly perfect for this. Though I still wished I had managed to score an LMTV. Never quite satisfied, I guess.
First / Previous / Next

Trigger Warnings: This series contains racial abuse which may upset. This isn't my intention, it is just to provide an unfortunate realism to todays Urban culture in the U.K. There is also references to drugs and violence.
This is more of a true crime story than a horror story. County lines drug trafficking is an ongoing issue in the U.K.
Large scale organised crime gangs manipulate kids from broken homes to run their drugs up the country into smaller seaside and market towns to bolster their profits.
This is a story about a young man who begins working for an CLDTG and soon rises through the ranks. The things he is forced to do to prove himself are in themselves horrific.
Episode 1 and 2 are written, with more episodes to come as I write them. Please give me feedback on what you think.
Episode 1 – Taken.
As I sit here trying to type this out, my fingers continue to slip off the keys. So, if there is any spelling or grammar errors then please give me a break. Sweat and adrenaline aren’t ideal when you are trying to type your dying declaration.
Why am I like this? That’s because I know what happens to people, who inform on this or any similar organisations.
Looking at my current predicament, I highly doubt that I will get to tell this story myself, in court and alive. That was the initial intention but due to unforeseen circumstances, I really can’t picture it.
Why? because I was sold out. Ironically by the people who are quoted to ‘protect and serve’.
Right now, I’m holed up in a dimly lit basement. Barricaded inside the local public house. I can hear the vehicles screeching to a halt, outside. They have come for me.
I run and pile as many heavy looking items, as I can, against the basement door. I take a step back, trying to calm my breathing, looking at the barricaded entrance to my hideout, desperately and rationally trying to assess, if this is enough. The noise outside distracts me.
The small 50 by 30, barred window on the wall parallel to the door, allowed me to see on to the backstreets. A black Range Rover, tinted windows, attended by a white Transit Van, were parked up outside the pub. The vehicle doors were open and a small group of handy looking men, dressed in dark balaclavas, combat gear and bomber jackets had emerged from the convoy.
Three of the men were focused around the back door of the tavern. The easiest, and likely the less public way of getting into the building. They were violently kicking at the lock. Luckily, I had the wherewithal to wedge the beer barrels in the doorway and create a sturdy barricade.
The other 4 men, held various items in their hands. Given the poor state of the window, the steel bars and the fact, I’m a 17-year-old kid who’s never met 5 foot 8, my vision and the vantage point trying to peer outside was poor. However, I’m semi-confident, I could make out a pair of baseball bets, one with barbed wire, one with nails. The other items appeared to be a pair of bolt cutters and a machete. The bolt cutters and machete were highly likely tools to get into the building, but I had no doubt that I would be seeing how efficient they were, once the men got inside.
‘I’m sorry, I had to do it, Will. They give me no choice...’
The words of Judas, AKA Detective Inspector Mark Neill, continued to ring in my mind. Almost in sync with the sound of the back door of the pub bursting and splintering.
I press the catch and let the magazine of the Glock, slip out in to my hand. 3 rounds. Even, if I was Butch Cassidy, the mathematics we’re not on my side.
Decisions, Decisions.
Going down in blaze of glory, putting three criminals in the ground to be then beaten, pulverized, mutilated and then mercifully, murdered.
Or, end it right here, don’t give them the satisfaction. But then everything I have put myself through over the past 2 years, would be for nothing.
I sat back and reminisced, how I got where I am right now.
I pull this laptop off the desk in the corner and decide to kill the time waiting for these bastards to get in, by writing what can only be described as the memoirs of a A* student, turned drug dealer, turned police informant, turned dead man. Strap in, it really is quite a ride.
If the CPS read this online or hear it on YouTube then please consider this tale a dying declaration and thus, must be treated as such if this story is being told by anyone other than me. I do this so that it may be entered into evidence and be deemed admissible in crown court.
My journey to this point right now, started 2 years ago. I was 15 years old and I was walking home from school.
My name is Will Cassidy. Also known as ‘Casper’ to my criminal associates.
This started in 2018, When I was attending Moss Heath High School, West Yorkshire. I was in my last year before graduating.
Despite Moss Heath being a literal holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show, I was different. I didn’t smoke, do drugs, fight. I was on for A*s across the board in Math's, English, Applied Sciences, History, Business Studies and Design Tech. I was the head teachers prize asset. My SATs score was one of the highest in the whole nation. I earned my school more in additional funding, in 4 years I've attended this place, than any of the last 250 charity events the PTA managed to fumble together.
A 162 IQ and a photographic memory certainly make test and homework easy but I still found it extremely difficult to make friends. For the most part, people were friendly enough, but It didn’t take me long to realise they just wanted to take a peek at my answers. When it came to being invited to the movies or to play games, no one had much use for my intellect then.
If I wasn’t being used, I was being abused. You know, you really can spot the kids, who bully others out of some sort of transferred self-esteem issues, a mile off. School clothes never look as clean as they did on Monday, black eye just about fading after a bank holiday weekend and boy, they sure can’t eat their food fast enough at dinner time. Either way, they see someone like me. Clever, looked after, on the way up, the entire world at my feet. They hate it, they despise it, as it’ll never be them because their parents drink, shoot and gamble and would sooner pour a mug of boiling water over them than help them with their algebra homework. So, they call me names, hit me, bully me because they think I’ve got everything they want. Jesus, they don’t have a fucking clue.
Thursday 23rd March 2018. The day my life was truly blown apart. Jake Hamer had done his usual ‘funny to him and his arse licking friends, yet not really all that funny to anyone else’ routine. This consisted of throwing pencils and pieces of screwed up paper at the back of my head, then him burying his head in his work, once I turned around. Pfft, like he could actually read. Not that he was really trying to convince me.
He then followed me out of the classroom, once the bell rang. There was a section of the school where for some reason the teachers never supervised. Too busy stood around near the gates, sucking the life of a pack of Marlboro, moaning how they are all underpaid by the government.
Hamer was a creature of habit; he always utilised this blind spot to overtake me and cut off my path. He would always ask rhetorical questions like where did I think I was going? And who did I think I was? It never mattered whether or not, I answered back. He always did the same thing. Left hook to the body. Right hand then on my throat, pinning me hard against the wall. His minions stood in the background, laughing away, flicking their wrists so their index fingers slapped against their middle finger.
‘Ya lucky ya know, Willy. My boys ere have got a bag of fat spliffs and we’re gunna go blaze em. Otherwise, I'd be banging you out ya little mug. So go on, get yaself gone!’
Declan Burrows was the school bad boy. Everyone knew his brother, Ian, was the towns drug kingpin. That’s probably a strong word. He grew his own weed, stole ketamine from the local farms and picked up the odd batch of borderline talcum powder from his uncle in Liverpool. Ian was the supplier. Declan was the dealer. Everyone in school bought their gear from Declan. Jake, being Declan's best mate, got his fair share of freebies. His home was also used as what you’d call a trap house to ‘bag up’ the goodies and in return, Declan and Ian paid Jakes mum and dad for the accommodation. And, the award for the Parents of the year, goes to...
Jake let go of my neck. He let me move away but he’d give me a stiff boot in the small of my back, as I walked in front again. Sometimes I fell, Sometime I didn’t. Today, I fell.
I heard the laughter once again and the name calling. Declan throw a half bottle of Fanta at my head. I fought hard, harder than ever, to hold back the tears. I bit down hard, I swallowed the lump in my throat and I walked out the school. I nodded like a robot when Mr Bell asked if I was ok. Like he’d give a shit, Jake is his star rugby captain and Declan is his football golden boy. Cheek turning Prick. Deal drugs on school grounds obviously not an issue, as long as you can boss the left wing.
Declan shouted an insult at me that didn’t quite resonate properly until I was out of immediate harm's way. ‘Absolute pussy, just like his brother. He went down like a sack of shit as well!’
Not quite sure what that was meant to mean. Nathan had only recently come back to live with me and mum. He’d lived with his dad for the best part of the last 10 years. His father had recently been arrested, charged and prosecuted for assault and driving under the influence. As a result, me and my brother had been reunited.
I hurried home as fast as I could. Jake was more aggressive when he was stoned, and there wasn’t much to do on the estate other than terrorise the local Asian corner shop. If I wasn’t at least within sprinting distance of my home, before Jake finished his first joint, I could be in further trouble.
As I approached my mother's 2-bedroom council house on the London Park Estate, I couldn’t quite tell you the point that I knew something was definitely wrong. However, I knew immediately that something was off. My mum always said to keep the doors locked. Day or Night. Yet the door was wide open. 3.30 in the afternoon. Mum had an appointment at the job centre. Nathan usually spends most of time out of our house so I was starting to threat - any Tom, Dick or Harry could just waltz in and help themselves to our belongings and, on this estate, they bloody would too!
I cautiously entered the house. Signs of a struggle were obvious. Small drops of blood made a trail that led upstairs, I followed. Nathan and mines bedroom had had its door kicked in. My computer desk was trashed. Mattresses were flipped, all our draws pulled out, a couple of bloody teeth lay in the middle of the floor, Nathans. Shit.
I turned in a panic to search the rest of the house, frantically searching for any sign of my brother's whereabouts. I tried to think hard. C’mon you’re meant to be smart! Not so brainy, now are you?
Police, I need to get the police. Phone? Phone? WHERE’S MY FUCKING PHONE?? Battery flat! Of course
I began to cry; 9/10 kidnappings result in a fatality if the victim isn’t recovered within a short amount of time. I looked at my flat phone and Nathans iPhone 7 smashed to smithereens in the corner of the room and wondered what on earth I was going to do.
Two things entered my head almost simultaneously. I saw Nathan take a call once as I walked past our room. It wasn’t an iPhone, looked smaller and older. Never thought much of it at the time but seemed highly significant now. The second thing was I once entered the bedroom while Nathan was in the wardrobe, he totally flipped out. Screaming about I should knock.
I ran to the wardrobe. The doors were ripped off the sliders, clothes ripped off the hangers and launched across the floor, draws tipped out.
Clearly whoever took Nathan, was looking for something, something valuable. Question was, did they find it? I re-searched the wardrobe, with what was likely much less violence and aggression.
Take your time, find what they missed. I focused, like a missing person investigation, I covered every blade of grass so to speak and then, I got my break, there it was. A frayed piece of carpet in the corner of the wardrobe. This floor had been pulled up. I ran downstairs, leaping down 6-5 steps at a time, swung myself off the bannister and launched into the kitchen. I forced open the utensils draw and equipped myself with a butter knife.
I flew back up the stairs in the same manner. I slide the knife in-between the carpet and the wall and pried the carpet up until I could grip it. I pulled back the carpet and was greeted by three floorboards. They were all loose. I used the same knife and lifted up all three boards. What I saw, made my heart sink.
A square cardboard box, sat in the floorspace. Inside the box were 6 mobile phones. I picked one out. A sticker was attached to the back of this particular phone. ‘H’.
Another one, ‘Cr’. The other phones had the stickers ‘Co’, ‘Ox’, ‘PU’ on the remaining phones. This left one more phone. I picked it up. 23 missed calls from a random number. I was just about to call the number back when I heard a scream. My mother.
‘Will! Will!’ She was hysterical. I grabbed the phones and stuffed them in my school bag and replaced the floorboard and carpet.
‘I’m fine, mum. We’ve only been gone and robbed’. I prayed she hadn’t noticed the blood and I kicked the teeth under the bed. My mum cracked; she began to wail.
‘No, Will. It’s not a robbery! It’s Nathan, him and his mate Dave have pissed somebody off! I’ve just seen Daves mum. She’s absolutely black and blue. A van pulled up and 4 men in balaclavas jumped out and kicked her door in. They smacked her about and stabbed her dog. They beat Dave within an inch of his life in front of her until he told them where Nathan lives. They said if they called the police, they’d come back and put her in a wheelchair and him in the ground. They taken him haven’t they? oh my god! What are we going to do?? We need to call the police!’
I was 15, naïve and in to fortnight but Jesus Christ, even I knew that would do more harm than good. ‘Mum, it’s ok. Nathans already rung. He says he’s sorted it and he’ll be home soon.’
Did she believe that?
She looked at me confused. ‘People don’t beat innocent women, kill dogs, threaten families and abduct people, for it to be just ‘sorted out’ in an hour!’ she barked.
‘I know, but it was some misunderstanding. I think they thought he was stealing from them but he’s proven his innocence now.’ Believe me, please.
‘Fucking hell. That boy! Always in shit. He needs to fuck off back to Birmingham. Just brings trouble.’ She said frustrated, looking at the mess, not knowing where to begin tidying. Frustrated, but satisfied. She bought it.
I didn’t know If I could get Nathan home safe but I knew I had a better chance of doing so, with the 6 phones in my bag, than with the help of the West Yorkshire police service.
I sat in my room and pretended to tidy up. I took out one of the phones with the ‘H’ on the back. I opened up the call history. There must have been at least 60 different numbers that called the phone in the last 2 weeks. I checked the other phones, the number of calls varied but the ‘H’ ‘Co’ and ‘Cr’ phones seemed the most popular. The ‘Pu’ phone hadn’t made a call in 9 months. The phone with no sticker now had 26 missed calls. 3 more in the time, I’d been trying to convince my mum Nathan was fine. I never heard a ring or a vibrate. Maybe that’s why they never found it.
I considered the fact, that if Nathan had given up these phones then he’d be dead. Perhaps he was hoping Dave would use them as currency to buy his safety. Well, unfortunately Dave was in the ICU after he slipped and fell down his stairs, early today. Yeah, fell right into 4 baseball bats and a meat clever.
So, they will have to make do with me. The number called again. I looked at the green answer button for around 4 seconds. If I could see into the future, knowing the path my life would have taken by pressing that button, would I have still pressed it?
You’re fucking damn right I would.
I answered the phone.

Dear Reddit – I am sure I will get skewered but I am struggling to figure out what has happened to me over the past few years.
Three and a half years ago I got an email from an old love "Jim" that was going through a divorce with his wife. I’d like to explain – that I was very careful and standoffish in the beginning not wanting to effect the course of the marriage in any manner. I actually asked and encouraged him several times – to go to his wife and ask her if they could work things out. He did twice and he told me that she said there was no way to save the marriage. Shortly thereafter – I fell in love – hard. His wife had kicked him out of the house and he moved in with me and my two kids that I share half time with my ex-husband. I was a little worried that things were moving so quickly - but Jim assured me that his feelings were real, that he loved me like no other and that he had thought about me for the last 20 years.
I was extremely happy – thought I had finally found the love of my life – he was hilarious, intelligent, kind to me, generous and successful. The first year and a half was perfect. I should have known – it was too good. I was madly in love and we spent all of our time together. I knew the relationship was not entirely healthy – he was an alcoholic and a gambling addict and his mood could sometimes be very dark. He also had an almost non-existent relationship with his family. I tried to bridge the distance between him and his mother as well as the rest of his family members and I became close to them and we spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together for the past few years. My two kids also became very close to his two kids.
The first major red flag that occurred was a little over a year in. The daughter of a friend of mine came to stay with me (and Jim) while she found an apartment in the city I lived in. Jennifer was 27 years old and very attractive. I recall one Saturday afternoon – she wanted to go to the thrift store – I wasn’t in the mood and Jim eagerly volunteered to take her. I felt weird about his eagerness to spend time alone with Jennifer and maybe sulked about it for a couple hours but got over it pretty quickly. A few weeks later – we met Jennifer for dinner. She was wearing a very very very low cut shirt and I recall Jim being almost giddy at the dinner table. Jim often commented on how “hot” young girls were but I am not the jealous type – and often thought he was just being over the top to be funny. Later that evening we ended up going to a strip club – Jim starting flirting with the waitress and when Jennifer wanted to leave – he begged her to stay – I ended up getting upset and went home angry. Jim stayed out. I called him several times and he finally called back to say that he was staying the night at his nieces house. It didn’t sound right – I went to his old phone that was laying in a drawer and found his location. He was at Jennifer’s apartment. I immediately drove over and knocked on the door. He was sleeping on the couch and ended up going home with me. He apologized explaining that he just needed somewhere to stay because they had drank too much. I felt as if he wasn’t telling me the truth. I called Jennifer two days later and she told me that he had also tried to kiss her and was “very persistent” but that she declined and that nothing had happened. I was devastated. I confronted Jim and he apologized and said it would never happen again. However – his apology seemed hollow and he got angry at me when I wasn’t getting over it fast enough.
After the Jennifer incident – things seemed to go back to normal. We spent most of our time doing the things he enjoyed i.e. drinking, gambling, strip clubs, cartoons etc. I didn’t mind because we had fun – lotsa fun – at the end of the night we would dance and sing to songs he would play for me and he would whisper sweet things in my ear… like how he wanted to marry me in Hawaii and how he wanted to take care of me, buy a house with me, etc. His younger son lived a couple hours away and he would spend a week with me and then a week up at his house near his young son. We talked about buying the house we were renting and fixing it up – or buying a house somewhere else. We spent holidays together and our kids got along great. I was happy.
But – something always seemed to be a bit off – I didn’t fully trust him. I began noticing that he would be on his phone a lot – texting. So – while I never felt the need to look at my ex partner’s phones and I’m not proud of this -- I ended up snooping on his phone. I found part of a conversation that he was having with his friend “Mandy” and another woman – where he talked about wanting to cum on someone’s face. I confronted him – he said he was joking and that if I ever looked at his phone again – he would dump me because to him – this was a major violation of trust. Unfortunately - because I was so in love – I believed him. I found it strange that he didn’t see my point of view at all i.e. that his past actions had made me feel insecure in the relationship and that I felt that he needed to earn my trust back. Jim said I was ridiculous for feeling insecure and snooping. I was also taken aback by the intensity of his anger surrounding the fact that i had looked at his phone.
Time went on and things were mostly good unless I showed any emotional neediness. If I said I was stressed about money for instance – he would tell me I was a downer and to stop playing the victim. I was working full time and Jim did not have to work but instead was living off of the 400k that he had in his stock brokerage account when he and his wife divorced - that he had since turned into 1.2 million dollars as well as his ownership interest in the family business. I was often stressed -- because I had previously lost some of my savings/retirement in an investment and was working 50 hours a week for a boss that was very full of himself (I had worked with several difficult people in the past – but this guy was different – he would actually say things in an extremely condescending manner to try and make you feel stupid – and I wasn’t the first employee that had spent a day at their desk in tears because of harsh words by this guy). If I complained about money or my boss – Jim – would get agitated – and tell me that he bet I didn’t dump this kind of emotional baggage on my other friends. I was disappointed – but eventually learned to control my emotions and not look to Jim for emotional support – however, I would lose it from time to time like when Jim would talk about his great success in the market – and I would just want to feel like we were a team and that we could build a future together.
At this time, I also began noticing that he was spending less and less time with me and more and more time in the City where his son lived -- even when his son would be in the care of his mother. I would complain and he would tell me that if I wasn’t so emotional – things would work out and we would bet together forever, we could be a team etc. I had also noticed that he wasn't say nice things to me as often. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time he had told me he loved me or that I was pretty or anything else nice for that matter. I also remembered that during this time – he accidentally sent me a text that was meant for his single friend “Don.” He was planning on going out on Don’s boat that day and asked if there would be any other “single” people there because married people were “boring.” I was hurt and asked him if he wanted to be single – he said that again – I was being childish and that he was an adult and didn’t want me restricting his freedom. For the next six months – I vowed to stay chill with my emotions – no matter what occurred and whether it hurt.
I remember around Christmas last year – he sent me a text saying – that he wanted to tell me that he loved me – because he knew he hadn’t in a very long time – and that I was kind to him and that he didn’t deserve it. I was so happy – to hear that he did still love me that I burst into tears… I had thought that because I had been “good” and not bothered him with my emotional baggage or other relationship "demands" i.e. seeing each other more.… that he loved me again and that things would go back to normal i.e. we would start planning our future together and see each other more.
I remember some time last February – I went to Jim’s house and ended up waking up in the middle of the night. I sat down at his computer that he had given me the password to when we were trying to place a sports bet. I went to type in something and noticed the first previous search bar that popped up was a craigslist add for a hooker in Dallas Texas – where his adult son “Matt” lived. I knew that Jim was planning on visiting Matt for his birthday and while I had been invited on such vacations in the past, I wasn’t invited on this one. Shortly thereafter, I was making Jim’s bed and found a condom on the floor. – we didn’t use condoms. I confronted Jim on both issues. He became livid and the discussion got more heated than I would like to admit. He accused me of being insecure, emotional, petty etc. and explained that he was planning to rent this hooker for photos with Matt and his friends for Matt’s birthday. He also explained that the condom was probably Matt’s from the time Matt and his girlfriend had spent at his place during Christmas. He then told me he no longer trusted me because it was obvious I was snooping, violating his trust etc. and that I needed to leave his house immediately. He then accused me of bizarre things like – turning over the photos of his kids (which I had not done – I actually loved his kids and had even put photos of them up at my house). I told him I wanted to stay and to try and work things out – but his tone was so mean – it was like I was talking to another person. I broke down and cried – Jim had no empathy – he told me to stop being a baby, to grow up and get control of myself.. Jim left me at his house the next day and told me that he was so angry he was staying somewhere else. Once again – I was devastated and he made me feel as if it were my fault. And I believed him.
Things were on and off again from there on… Jim would be kind and show me attention from time to time but then other times – would tell me I was too emotional and “crazy” for him to be with. He also started saying – things like – I need to find a new “good” girlfriend and that I should do the same. I thought he was joking. I felt strongly that he had fallen out of love or more likely was never in love with me but somehow believed him when he would say that if I could just stop being so emotional and needy that the relationship would strengthen and go back to how it was in the beginning. During this time - I would ask Jim how he felt about me and he would tell me that he “loved” me when I was being normal and not crazy. So – I stupidly tried to sweep my feelings under the rug and offered up my love and friendship to him without asking for anything in return. Towards the end of the summer – Jim planned a family vacation with his kids and his niece that I had also become friends with. My sons and I weren’t invited. I was hurt but he explained that he didn’t need someone “crazy” around – and that he just needed to spend some quality time with them. I understood. He and his kids stopped by my house on their way back from their vacation we hung out as if we were a couple again. We were intimate and Jim even sent me a text of quote talking about loving someone so much that it hurt. I was happy – He said we could see each other more if I would just stop being so psycho all the time.
Shortly thereafter – Jim invited me to his house – I was excited. I thought maybe we were starting to repair things. I hadn’t been there in months. While I was there, he took me to this property that he had decided to buy with this young single mom/real estate agent that he had just met. I was upset - but tried to hold it together. I think I was mostly upset because we had talked about buying a house together where I would put down some $$ and he would put down some $$ and I had also asked him several times if he had wanted to invest with me as I loved investing in fixer-uppers and building spec homes. He had always declined explaining that he didn’t have enough money because it was all in stocks etc. and that if this stock went up he would etc.
When he took me to the property – I said it was beautiful – but that I wasn’t sure if it would make a good investment as the sitework would be very expensive and the price that you could get for the homes out there didn’t really justify the costs involved with the development. He got angry- very angry – and called me petty, jealous, insecure and immature. He said – you’d have no problem if she was a male. I said that wasn’t true and that maybe I was a little insecure about the fact that she was so striking but that most of my hurt stemmed from the fact that he wanted to invest with someone else other than me – after I had sent him a million properties to look at as an investment over the years and he had declined all of my ideas. I asked if – I could see the numbers and if it looked good, I could maybe put in some cash too as it would be fun to do a project together – he said "no – I don’t want to do a project with someone as emotional as you." I later found out that he had purchased the property with cash and formed a LLC with this woman that he did not know and was willing to split the profits with her 50/50. We got into a huge argument – and I lost it. I screamed that he was mean and that I thought he was buying property with another person – just to spite me! He called me manipulative and controlling just like his mother and ex-wife. He explained that he was an adult and could buy anything he wanted. I said - I agreed but that it still hurt because I felt like he was listening to this woman's opinion over mine. I cried – and for the first time ever -- He laughed at me for crying. It was at that point – I started questioning everything – did this person who I deeply loved – have any empathy at all whatsoever? I had seen him hug his niece when she was upset and crying once – but he had never offered me that kind of care when I was upset. But to actually laugh and take enjoyment from someone else’s pain? I was not only devastated but I then started questioning not only my own judgment by my own sanity. Maybe – I deserved this – I thought – Maybe I am jealous… I know I am too emotional… etc. I left in tears.
We slowly starting talking again. Then - a couple weeks later – I was on social media and noticed – that he had commented on this photo of this female with her boobs hanging out – it was a fire emoji. I was hurt and pissed. I had no idea that he was out flirting with other people. I thought we were on again off-again -but that we were still working things out and might get back together. After I saw his comment, I sent him a million angry texts that I’m not proud of – things like “f*&$ you” – “I hope you drop dead” etc. I know. I know. No excuse - not okay - I own it. I realize that this was an overreaction for a comment on a photo – but by that point – I felt as if it was a confirmation of what I had thought all along – he was treating himself as single when I wasn’t around -- I had finally lost it and was angry – very angry. I thought to myself – what else don’t I know? That’s when I checked Tinder – I made a fake account and sure enough – Jim was on there – “divorced for 20 years. Friends first then connection. No drama.” My heart shattered. I had no idea he was actually dating other people – especially since we had just slept together a week and a half earlier. I was so hurt. I immediately called Jim. His immediate reaction of course was anger – but when he understood that I knew he was on Tinder – he explained – that his "friend" had signed him up and that he had only been on for a week and that we were broken up. He also said he was deleting his account. I took that as a sign that there was still a chance we could mend things. I know – I look like a pathetic idiot at this point.
After the Tinder incident - I told Jim that I still loved him and wanted to work things out - he immediately showed up on my doorstep and spent the next couple days with me – he was sweet and kind, and we were intimate – but we didn’t talk about our future at all. We again started texting all day long like we had done before when things were good and when I tried to raise the issue of how he felt about me - he basically said - don't start- and that if i could just let things be -- they would get better. At this point – I had no idea – how Jim really felt about me – I just remembered the good Jim and how great those first two years had been – and the last six months just felt like this surreal bad dream. I just wanted it over – or to know once and for all how Jim really felt about me.
That's when I did one of the worst things I’ve probably ever done. I signed up on Tinder under a fake account and sure enough – Jim was on there. This was of course – after he had stated several times that he wasn’t. I swiped right – Jim had liked me too!! I sent him a message as “Carly” and before you know it – I was meeting Jim for a drink… and I was extremely flirtatious… the texting quickly turned sexual - he loved it – I ended up cancelling at the last minute (because I’m two hours away) – and said I would make it up to him. He said he could meet up with me on Saturday after he got back from running an errand near where I lived (Jim didn’t tell me he was coming to my town to run an errand). Friday night, Carly texted to see if they were still on - he texted back saying he was horny and couldn’t wait... Shortly before his Tinder date – I was sure to tell Jim that I missed him and loved him and still wanted to work things out. He texted me back a love song – (which he had explained was his way of telling me he loved me) with lyrics like “the love that I feel is oh so strong”… etc. I was disgusted - It was at this point that I realized that not one of the songs that he had sent me in the past meant anything to him. That it was all lies. I hopped in the car and drove up to meet him – he showed up looking dapper and ready to mingle. I thought about just cancelling on him – but I needed to see his reaction – because in the past – when I had confronted him about questionable behavior – he was always able to explain it away – and I was usually in such an emotional state – that nothing was ever clear. This time, I would be watching his reaction closely with a clear head and there was really no way he could explain this away.
When I came walking in – he looked as if he had seen a ghost. Jim was livid. I tried to tell him that since things had been so confused and he wouldn’t be honest with me – that I had to figure out for myself what was going on. He said I had gone too far and that this was next level devious/psycho shit and that if I posted this story on Reddit – I would be the one skewered. I felt bad. I told him I was sorry that I had hurt his feelings and that I didn’t do it to make him feel stupid or embarrassed – that I just needed to know the truth. He actually told me - that he just wanted to talk to some person that was nice and wasn't me or is his ex-wife. I didn't really say much - because there was really no point anymore. So anyway – I am posting this on Reddit – to see – if I am a terrible person or if perhaps – my crazy actions might have been justified by Jim’s behavior. Sorry – this is so long – but – without the background facts – even I think that I appear psycho. Also - while I still love Jim - I don't think there's any recovering from the above - Thoughts??
TL/DR - i made a fake Tinder account after months of breaking up and getting back together with my ex to see if he was lying to me about his feelings and interest in dating other people. He set a date with my fake Tinder girl, I showed up and he was extremely angry - called me psycho and said if i posted this on Reddit - I would be skewered.

First, no matter how much I apologize, it can and never will be enough. I have so many wonderful people to Thank... this has been a horrific year for us all, and the connectivity brought by a card, a postcard, a note has been vital to my sanity. I finally came home on Friday, with my 4 legged fur baby after a long spring, and summer. In March, my state was in the grips of the pandemic, at a time when we barely understood everything about this novel virus. I don’t consider myself an essential worker, but a higher being decided I was essential to the essential workers, those incredible people on the front lines of caring for those who had the virus. No amount of Thank You would ever be enough to the people who directly cares for patients with COVID-19, who holds their hands as they say goodbye to loved ones over a video call. I love my work, I really, really do, and many of you may find it incredibly odd when I say, my job isn’t a job, it’s a privilege, and everyday is like inhaling happy gas, but for the first time ever, it wasn’t happy gas... not in the least. I had been asked to come to a couple of cities to provide “relief”, and that’s not unusual in what I do, but it was just longer this time, and it was lonelier because there’s really nowhere to go. I desperately missed home, in the worst possible way, and combined with erratic work hours, I was on the verge of insanity. I finally came home on Friday, and will be in self isolation for 14 days... my furry friend couldn’t be happier, because there were many days he hated me for dragging him along, but I came home to so much happy mail !!!! It literally moved me to tears !! My mom had organized it all by date, so I have been opening one after another, and I can’t even begin to express the amount of gratitude I have for each and every one of you... beautiful cards, with beautiful messages...I hope I haven’t forgotten anyone.
I have a list of wonderful people to send happy mail back, and will be doing that during this time. I got 2 pieces of mail sent out back, so I’m going to be reaching out to them to confirm the address I have is correct. They came back in a ziplock bag with half the card missing, and it never ceases to amaze me that the USPS with all it has to do right now, somehow managed to get it back to the sender. I hope the cards I send, will be enjoyed. I have tried to make them as special as I possibly can. Some of them will reflect what can only be described as a unique sense of humor.
I humbly ask all of you to please, please forgive the late Thank You, but please know every card, every message has been healing for my soul. The kindness of strangers is amazing, and it is through that kindness strangers become friends.
I love adding pictures for you all to see, and I will do that ASAP... I love you all ❤️
u/suzette393 : Thank You !! I LOVED your card !! Who doesn’t know “Sweet Caroline” ? I didn’t know he has Parkinson’s Disease... very sad to hear. But thank you for taking me back !!
u/loko_lo : Thank you so much for the beautiful card !! I loved reading about your hobbies... I feel like this summer has somehow slipped away too fast, and definitely not a normal summer. You seem to very outdoorsy, but I’m the total opposite !!
u/postcardsfromjenna : Thank you for the beautiful Vancouver artwork card !! I love Vancouver !! I always have a wonderful time when I’m there...
u/kecr101 : Thank You for the Disney Pinocchio postcard !! The running joke in our house, is my mom refuses to acknowledge that our fur baby is not a real boy, so we tease her that’s she’s waiting for him to turn into a real boy. This summer has been a crazy summer... I have done some cooking, not as much art as I would have loved to do, but most of all I miss our family getting together for our family holiday.
u/travellincat : Thank you so much for the World Postcard Day postcard !! I didn’t even know it was a thing, but I’m happy to celebrate the day ! Your wish that my card brings joy to my mailbox is exactly what it did, and I can’t thank you enough !!
u/lavender_icedtea : Thank you for the Mae Jemison card !! I really love these women in science card !! I have made your Chocolate Chip cookies, and they didn’t even make it off the baking sheet !! I added a ridiculous amount of chocolate chips and chocolate chunks... but thank you so much !!
u/KingnBanter : Thank you so much for the Horse card drawn from a child’s perspective !! It’s adorable and I love that the horse has only 3 legs and highlights in its mane !! Thank you for the Michigan sticker !! I love the message of things to be happy about, but here are my top favorites 1. Platters of good things to eat- no way will I ever turn down a good food platter... a charcuterie for one. 2. Reading outside on a blanket wearing a big sweater... Indian summers are my favorite 3. Traveling by bicycle... you didn’t mean long distance right ? Cause that’s never gonna happen, but I do enjoy riding my bike a lot. 4. Dozing... I’m a Gold Medalist at dozing u/shepanda : Thank you so much for the cutest amount Rainier card !! I love that it’s vintage !! Chemistry was my favorite class too... I took General Chemistry and Organic Chemistry but for some reason I loved General Chem (it might have to do with the fact I nearly blew up the organic chem lab, almost burnt my lab partner (who happened to be my sister)
u/msmomona : Thank you for the awesome Pantone card... I go through phases of favorite colors and this months favorite happens to be Teal... I know the card said Bottle Green but I really looks more real to me. Thank you for the happy mail.
u/Mareepharos : OMG so cute !! Thank you for the Wine Dogs postcard !! I loved reading about Boe !! Naughtiest Deed : Eating the contents of a burst piñata... Epic ❤️
u/ganzhimaself : Thank you for the Wisconsin Card !! I’m a huge cheese fan !! I love cheese !! I’ve been to the Wisconsin Dells and it was beautiful !! I think after reading your facts about Wisconsin being biggest cheese producer and having over 40 Breweries... it might be time to visit again ☺️
u/mf1ish : Thank you so much for the postcard from the Louvre !! I loved visiting the Louvre as well, but you really do need more than one day to appreciate all the art. True Story : when we visited the Louvre someone stole a painting, so huge barriers came down and we all had to go into the center of the museum and they were checking everyone as they let them out... so, yours truly here decides that would be the best time to pass out... yep. I don’t remember if they ever found the painting.
u/HufflepuffPuff_ Pass : Thank you for the card with the yummy tarts... I love it !! I have accepted and now take pride in being a Hufflepuff !! What you say is true... loyal and hardworking with the added perk of being next to the kitchen.
u/ImOkReally : Thank you for the kitten card !! It’s so adorable !! I also love yarn !! Thank you for the stickers and lovely note... I hope it’s cooled down for you and Knuckles ☺️
u/aneemo : Thank you for the adorable card and stickers !! Sourdough sounds like a cute book... my sister was obsessed with making sourdough and after a million tries has finally done it !!
u/Qknowsbest : ok I have never seen such incredible handwriting !! Thank you so much for the Never Stop Looking Up... it’s been tough but we are all trying to figure out how to navigate this new normal. I love the quote “Difficult roads often lead to Beautiful Destinations”... nothing could be more true
u/lovescraftswidow : OMG I loved your card so so much !! It was so unique and fun !! I adored it !! Thank you for the book recommendation... I will have to look up The amulets of Samarkand... fantasy is normally not my genre, but you know what ? I’ve read and loved books I never would have read if it weren’t for recommendations ☺️
u/indleaf : How do I begin to say Thank You for the gorgeous photographs ? I loved them all !! I loved seeing things through your lens and I truly appreciate the extra monkey card !! I love to take photographs, but am not nearly as talented as you... I love taking pictures of people, especially children... they’re fascinating subjects and are always full of emotions... I realized I sound like a weirdo. I will definitely be looking forward to seeing more of your work on Instagram, and thank you for answering all my prompts...☺️
u/xlez : Thank you so much for the astronaut postcard !! I absolutely loved the quote !! You have been so kind, with the 2 cards you have sent... I can’t thank you enough for brightening my day !!
u/msmomona : Thank you so much for my very first Lou Paper postcard !! I love it !! I love Las Vegas, not for the gambling but I just love staying on the strip and looking at all the lights and people watch, and to catch a show or two.
u/twerpto : Thank you so much for the handmade card, it really is so special. I lost my uncle a month ago to Covid-19, and never got a chance to say goodbye as he lives in another country, and his passing was so sudden, but I kid you not... I was just thinking about him like literally 15 minutes before your card arrived, and then there was this gorgeous cardinal inside. They always say a Cardinal represents a loved one.
u/earthfireairwater : Thank you for the Georgia O’Keefe card !! It is one of my favorites !! I loved the red wine sticker !! This quarantine has reduced my life to coffee time and wine time !! I just finished the book “Ask again Yes” by Mary Beth Keane... and wow !! I have a book hangover.
u/komalya13 : Thank you for the Elizabeth Blackwell card !! I love it !! It’s funny because another awesome Redditor sent me a Marjorie Stone Douglas card !! It’s nice to meet a fellow Desi... I’m from Idli-Vada-Sambar Land, Andhra ☺️
u/Alfie-Solomon : Thank you for the awesome card and stickers !! I have always wanted to study law, and I can see how Torts would be your favorite... we definitely do need more Federal Judges, and we need more people to understand Constitutional Law... it seems the Constitution has been chucked out the window.
u/StephenfromReno88 : Thank you so much for Mt. Whitney card !! It really did make my day much better !!
u/wyrmfang : Thank You so much for the beautiful Emma Golden Retriever card !! Emma is my favorite Jane Austen book and I adore dogs !! I think we have the same wish list of travel destinations !! I loved Italy... my favorite city being Venice !! I hope we will all be able to travel again soon, I think we all just have to find a new normal .
I’m sorry I don’t have the username but I received a card with a beautiful wax seal on the back... I just want to Thank you for the wonderful note !! I love the wax stamp on the back... it made me feel fancy ! I loved your fun facts, I never would think Dolphins gave names for each other. The vintage ticket stickers are so cute !! I saved all my tickets from when I was younger, but now I forgot where they are !!
I have another lovely person whose username I don’t have... Thank you so much for the recipe cards !! I loved them so much... thank you for sending 3 !! I can’t wait to try them...I’m going to start with the cobbler, cause who doesn’t love cobbler !! You were so kind to share these recipes, and I’m so happy to have met someone who shares my passion for baking !! I’m trying to teach myself to embroider and I got a sewing machine which I’m hoping to get the hang of soon... I used to sew so much many moons ago !! The machines are awesome now, with so many stitch options... they have machines for embroidery but I’m nowhere ready for that yet 😜